Ds21 and new “girlfriend”

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Ds21 met a girl a couple of weeks ago and has seen her maybe 3/4 times.
Hes wanting to bring her home to meet me and sit in his room with her. Promises he wont do “anything”I’ve said no AIBU?

Bit of back story. All he does is live in his room when he’s not at work or out with friends. He does nothing in the house to help anyone. He has 2 younger sisters. He never really interacts with any of us, only when it suits him.
Hes had 2 girlfriends in the past year. One he was with for 6 months the other for 3 weeks. I feel he has no respect for the girls he sees. He always ends up falling in love (so he says) really quick then just leaves them and goes back to his mates when he’s bored.

This said girl he sneaked into the house last Saturday night and had sex with her in the bathroom whilst we were all in bed. I heard them!!
He sneaked her back out again the next morning. I was really angry, he’s only known her a week or so at that time.

I know DP (his step dad) won’t be happy about this. He doesn’t know about Saturday. He thinks ds treats the house like an hotel and comes and goes when he wants. Contributes nothing to the house and says if he wants to do what he pleases he should look at moving out. Apart from this they get on ok

So am I wrong for seeing no?

Im Not sure if focusing on the girlfriends is the right issue to tackle first. If you don’t like the way he treats women, you need to start with yourself, and require him to treat you better by pulling his weight around the house. Sit down with him, have a proper talk about how things need to be going forward. He should be at a bare minimum doing all his own laundry, cleaning the kitchen a couple of nights a week and cooking a family meal once or twice a week.

How long does he plan to utilise this free knocking shop? Til he's 40?

And it’s gone from two relationships ending in one year and the latest girlfriend

to now “one night stands”

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing. While the thought of him having a one-night stand in his own bedroom in your house isn't particularly nice, it's not really any of your business and you shouldn't take on the role of the morality police.

However it is NOT OK for him to treat your home like a hotel. He needs to instantly start paying rent, contributing to the household, taking turns cooking meals or cooking his own food, doing his own washing, helping with household chores. He needs to be pleasant and interact with the rest of the household. Then he can bring his friends over, as any member of the family can, without you getting a veto. He still needs to show a modicum of respect and not do the deed in communal areas.

But that's on you - sit him down, tell him the new rules, and stick to them.

You have zero agency in your ‘relationship’ with your DS.

This seems to be lifelong but what you are grasping at now is trying to have impact by putting down rules about the girls.

They are irrelevant and will be a distraction of you rebuilding your relationship with him in an effort to finishing / turning around the failure of parenting on your behalf that you have admitted.

You need to break down everything that you do for him and stop doing them one by one so that he becomes independent. You don’t have to get him to agree to anything - you just stop doing the things.

Once this is established you engage him in communal chores - which have a deadline and a consequence.

If he doesn’t cooperate he moves out. Which is what should be the short term aim at his age anyway…..but it would be better for his emotional development and your long term relationship if this was achieved in a positive way rather than it ending in conflict.

How are your younger DCs with chores?

Does your relationship with your DH model respect, kindness and reciprocity?

I think you’re focusing on the wrong issue here.

Does be pay rent?

Stop doing his washing and cooking his food and tell him to grow up and get his ass in gear.

You’ve failed him by doing everything for him and not helping him become a functioning adult.

Privileges like having girlfriends round the house come with ties likes being an active member of the household and contributing to its up keep.

Having read the update & comments I am just goggling about the fact that having three sexual partners in a year (three!) is seen as treating women as ‘commodities’ and a ‘knocking shop’.

And this young man actually asked his mother for advice! And has a job! And wants to introduce a woman to his mother!

But no, he’s a vile pig who needs to be disowned asap.

I feel really sorry for him - if this was a film it would be ‘how to lose your child in 14 days’.

Young people have sex! They make mistakes! They hook up with the wrong person! They get hurt & hurt others! They irritate their parents!

This is all kind of what being a parent is about. They’re not always cute little buttons in the Nativity Play you know.

This, focus on the real problem. Ask him to cook dinner on Mondays from now on, and that the list of things to do will be growing steadily since he’s an adult in the house.

He's 21, not a child...you need to MYOB and let him be an adult. If you weren't trying to control his sex life he wouldn't be sneaking around in the bathroom.

But it is to do with his father because you are allowing him, facilitating him to behave in the same way. So that’s good you’ve stepped to stop that. House rules in place

And your son’s girlfriend should not have your number - how on earth did she get that??

It sounds like its just time for him to move out.

Ask him if he would like to hear his mum going at it? No he wouldn’t so he needs to be quiet for the household. Start charging him rent and stop doing his washing and chores. He can contribute to house by making a meal etc.

There are two different things here.

1. The new girlfriend visiting.
2. His lack of effort around the house and minimal family interaction.

Whilst you need to find a way to improve the second point. This should not prevent his girlfriend from staying in his room.

It's perfectly OK for you to say no. Especially if there are younger family members in the house.

That said, you don't have to be completely closed to the idea of meeting her.

Why can't he invite her round for tea to meet you and then she goes home? It sounds a bit like 'right, you've met my mum, now let's go fool around in my room.'

You could say yes, bring her round for a cuppa. I'd love to meet her. No, she can't stay. I'm not comfortable with you having sex in the house when your little sisters are here. I heard you in the bathroom. That wasn't OK and it crossed a line for me. These are my boundaries.

If he has an iota of self-awareness he will say, fair enough. He should realise you catch more flies with honey. He agrees to your terms and you might be more minded to welcome the gf in more frequently (if she sticks around).

If he pushes then yes, I agree, he is massively disrespectful to you and his girlfriend actually. Because he is taking the control away from her. If she heard what you had to say, (and he hadn't told her) how would she feel? Likely embarrassed and sorry she has disregarded your wishes.

It doesn't do any harm for young people to be accountable to someone - at this stage most likely their parents. It's good to remind them that not everyone thinks like they do, we have to live in harmony with our fellow house dwellers and people have boundaries.
Especially useful if that lesson is coming from someone who loves and cares about them.

21 isn't that old in terms of still being at home, especially these days with the cost of things
His behaviour is entirely normal. My son's at that stage- he'll leave soonish (please god!!) but in the meantime he's not made to feel like a burden.
We'll pull him up on some stuff but pick our battles because he's pretty good otherwise
Your partner doesn't get it, or try to, because he's not his father
How old are his sisters? Are they half sisters? He doesn't have to interact with them, they're yours, not his.
Not his fault his family couldn't stay together but he's paying a price and seen as a bit of a nuisance

Please stop doing everything for him. It sends all sorts of wrong messages: that women are on the planet to serve men; that he somehow is 'above' menial work; that everyday chores magically do themselves; that he isn't capable of being a responsible adult.

Tell him that you have left it a bit late but it is time he picked up basic adult life skills. Show him how to do mixed load laundry and delicates, which covers pretty much everything. Show him how to check pockets for tissues and check the machine isn't overloaded, and where to put whatever soap you use. Then leave him to it. But expect him to wash his towels once a week and bedding twice a month minimum, so the house doesn't smell like a squat.

Get him to cook a family dinner and clear up after it twice a week, every week, and to either buy the food or pay towards the food shop. (I always suggest DC clear up after their own cooking when they first learn to cook, so you are not left cleaning every pan in the house for a barely edible pasta. It teaches them to be economical with how many pans they use.)

He reminds me of his father

But he's not his father.

I think it’s weirder that one of these young women contacted you to say she was upset after a brief relationship…

Do your girls have the same father? If they had two relationships in a year would you be scared they were becoming like their dad?

I know they were upset about the break up because his first one was messaging me telling me how hurt she was by it all. He told me himself the second girl was upset by it all and he felt bad and asked for my advice.

I think your a bit over involved here as he's 21.

However respecting your house - contributing and following the rules he absoluetly should be doing and should have been doing it for years at this point. So sit him down and lay some ground rules down - make sure it is clear.

I'd be fuming I'd have to point out the no sex in bathroom rule - but bedrooms well it is your house and you need to think what you are prepared to tolerate - cheap hotel rooms are avalaible to him if he's earning - but it may be time for you both to sit down and make plans about how he moves out.

Can he afford to? It doesn’t sound like it!

I think you should tell him about Saturday night and not do any washing of clothes etc.

He needs to grow up and respect you and the house he lives in.

But it is being unreasonable if he is not allowed to bring girlfriends back, he 21.

I have 2 DS, both early twenties. One lives at home, the other doesn't. But why on earth can't he bring a girlfriend/partner home? My DS both bring partners home. That seems really restrictive to not allow them to do so. I'd ask them to keep it down and use his bedroom not the family bathroom, but I wouldn't have a problem with a girl/partner coming home with him. I would expect more contribution in terms of helping in the house (prepping a dinner for everyone every so often, putting on some laundry etc) but I see that as a different issue to the girlfriend.

As the mum of twin lads, (now29) let me say, living in their room is a thing.
I’m betting he has his TV, his games console and everything he needs to be comfy in his room.
First off, I do hope he is paying you some sort of rent, a token gesture maybe, but they need to learn, food, heating and a roof over their head, isn’t cheap. (£25 a month went to £50).
My rules were that they kept their bedrooms clean, cleared up and washed up, if they used the kitchen, made sure to include others if they were brewing up and helped if asked by either myself or their dad.
Secondly, he’s 21 and will go through any number of gf’s before meeting “the one”, I allowed girlfriends because, the thought of them being in some god awful hovel having sex, was unsafe and at least, I knew their whereabouts.
I also however, put my foot down on first date sex and instilled in both of them to take precautions, as girls lie to baby trap.
We have always had their young friends around, both male and female.
The treating the place like a hotel, is something you get used to, mine always informed me of where they were and what time they would be back, or not.
At a young age they all got into poker and poker nights at our house was a bedroom full of roudy young teenagers and then young people.
All their friends of over 15 years, gf’s and lads are still in their circle of friends.
I even eventually understood their grunt and groan language, it’s so enlightening having sons and having seen teenage daughters, am glad I didn’t have to deal with them!.

I also however, put my foot down on first date sex and instilled in both of them to take precautions, as girls lie to baby trap.

Yes I'm sure all the girls were queuing up to 'baby trap' lads who still lived at home and whose mum controlled whether they were allowed to have sex on a first date.

Yeah it’s time he moves out. I wouldn’t be doing any of his washing, buying food and toiletries. He’s been very disrespectful and not just with the girl thing. He’ll get a shock once he moves out. It would be different if he was nice to be around and helped. Sometimes adults living together just doesn’t work even if they are your child. Give him a month to find a room to rent I wouldn’t put up with all the bad behaviour. He can do as he pleases then!