Diet restriction imposed by school and father

[ByMauveEagle]

Hi All, I’ve a little issue that I’d like a second opinion on. I equally share care of 4-year old daughter with her father. She has recently started school and I just noticed that he has entered on her online profile (without consulting me) that she is vegan. It is on the catering staff’s records now and when she chooses a meal in the mornings she is being told “no you can’t have that you’re vegan”. She eats meat-based meals half the days of the week and has eaten meat all of her life. There was one instance lately of her saying “no I don’t eat meat” at home, but since then she declares that her favourite foods are “lamb, meatballs and sausages”. So, as far as the wishes of a 4 year old count, she certainly does not wish to eat only vegan food.

I fear that being labelled vegan will single her out, may affect her healthy attitude towards food (being told that some foods are bad etc), will confuse her when she is denied her choices at school, and more importantly will lead to her saying “I’m not eating that homemade shepherds pie tonight mummy because my teachers say that I’m vegan”.

I fully acknowledge that her dad can prepare any food he wishes at home. But when I am dropping my daughter off in the morning and collecting her in the evening she isn’t by any definition “in his care”. Without both parents’ consent, without a court order setting out her diet, and against her wishes (she is asking for meat and being refused it), I don’t believe it’s a school’s right to dictate to me and my child what she eats and restrict her to a specific diet.

I have suggested a compromise of dad asking her to choose certain vegan dishes on “his” days (the menus are on the school website). Or he could prepare her a packed lunch. But “dad” just ignores me. If I push the issue then I’ll be accused of all sorts: a bad co-parent, hostile etc.

Is this something I can/should do something about? I don’t want this shaping and influencing the rest of her life and being a label placed on her against her (and my) wishes. And I don’t want any instances at tea time where she refuses to eat the meal that’s been cooked for her with her family. If she gets to 12 years old and is adamant that she’s a vegan (or any other choice) then that’s a different story. But she’s little more than a toddler.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting to propose a compromise and to have the school record amended to remove the ‘vegan diet’ requirement?

The school isn’t unreasonable to assume that dd is vegan since a parent has told them that. They follow the parent’s instructions because of basic respect, not wanting lawsuits and the fact that some children follow a vegan diet for medical reasons like allergies. They aren’t bothered if dd is vegan or not- they just don’t want complaints.

Tell the school that DD’s dad is vegan but Dd is not and she can choose whatever meal she fancies.

This is going to be an argument that will continue for years. I think it’s a matter of time before Dd is told about his views on meat and that you’re a bad mum for cooking it etc. Don’t be scared of that- he is clearly the type to use threats and fear to get his own way.

Send her pack lunch on your days of none vegan food

speak separately to safeguardinf about your concerns that the Father is trying to control this and school should not enable him

this is fuck all to do with safeguarding!

If I was paying for the school meals and they continually refused her meat/dairy despite me repeatedly telling them she was not vegan. Then I'd stop paying for the school meals and send her with a packed lunch. Chicken and cheese sandwiches or whatever. Honestly, the school have no right to disregard you on this. That poor child, just wants some food she likes and they deny her it. The poor love may end up with food issues if they carry on like this. If the school continue to disregard you on this, make a complaint.

School dinners are free in reception. And how can she make a complaint that the school won't prioritise her wishes above the father's? Can you hear yourself?

@ByMauveEagle Have I missed it OP? is your ex vegan or is he just pushing this on your daughter to be difficult?

Can I hear myself? These aren't HER wishes, they are her child's. Her child WANTS to eat meat. Of course she can make a complaint. The school could try asking the CHILD what they want to eat.

Besides @Woompund this isn't a simple case of "wishes", by the school siding with dad, they are imposing a dietary RESTRICTION. The school should not be taking sides, and should ask the child what her preference is. Besides, school meals are NOT free throughout the UK. Even still, the OP can still send her child in with packed lunches on the days she takes her to school.

@ByMauveEagle I'm wondering if your GP/HV/nurse practitioner could help with this at all?

I've put that you are being unreasonable because it seems like this is all based around the fact that you want to reduce the chances of your daughter becoming vegan in a similar way to her dad wanting to increase the chances.

She isn't currently choosing plant based meals only, but you don't want her to start. And it is inconvenient when your child has a specialised diet that doesn't match the rest of the family so I get your incentive, I just think that is your main motivation.

Schools don't defer to children on issues like this when the child is 4 years old.

Yes, and parents are allowed to restrict their children's diets. Schools have to follow parents' wishes not children's.

The child is 4 years old!

@ByMauveEagle Are there likely to be any court proceedings coming up about contact arrangements and so on? If there are you can ask the judge to make a decision about this.

I have a friend whose daughter couldn't be vaccinated even though he wanted her to be, because her mum had told the GP she didn't consent to vaccinations. He ended up going to court and getting a specific issues order so that he could take her to the GP and get her vaccinated, overriding his ex wife's decision.

This isn't quite the same because your daughter isn't at risk of serious illness or death if she eats vegan school lunches. But I don't see why you, your daughter and the school should be forced to dance to his tune about vegan school lunches when she's not vegan and wants to eat the meat option.

4 year olds are very capable of expressing an opinion about what they do and don't want to eat.

Of course. But would you say a school had the right to give a Jewish child a ham sandwich because she asked for one?

Why does the vote of one man trump the votes of one woman and one child (the person who will actually be eating the meal)?

A Jewish child wouldn't be happily chowing down on ham sandwiches at home.

So you shoukd give your child unlimited sweets because they are capable of expressing that that is what they want to eat?

Does the child know meat comes from dead animals? I'm not sure my 4 year old did.

The main lunch option proposed by the school as part of a balanced diet is in no way equivalent to unlimited sweets, and I think you know that.

I'm getting a strong "I don't eat dead animals" vibe from you, which is fine, more power to you.

How about we let children choose whether to eat dead animals or not when they are old enough to understand? This child is eating dead animals at home anyway.

In this particular case, because an omnivorous child can eat vegan food but a vegan child cannot eat meat. If the father wants the child to follow a vegan diet when in his care then he should be able to. (I can’t tell you how strange it feels for me to be on the father’s side!) Incidentally, I am neither vegetarian nor vegan. I just hate the dominant anti vegetarian/vegan narrative on Mumsnet.

But she can eat meat because she's not a vegan child. When she's at school she's not in his care.

I’m not sure on this one many people are vegan and bring there children up as vegan nothing wrong with with that

the difficulty is with shared care why does your wishes trump his and vice a versa

By that argument she’s not in the mums care ether

But she’s not in her mum’s care either!
If mum and dad cannot sort this out, then the court will have to. Both parents have PR, the school has to take equal account of both. Currently, because Dad has said he wants vegan food to be provided, the school has to do so. If mum goes in and says that non vegan food has to be provided, they will do so, and on it goes!

I am a vegetarian but I still agree with the mother.
The simple fact is that the child is NOT a vegan.
There's no such thing as a vegan who eats meat half of the week.
The dad has lied to the school to get his way.