Diet restriction imposed by school and father

[ByMauveEagle]

Hi All, I’ve a little issue that I’d like a second opinion on. I equally share care of 4-year old daughter with her father. She has recently started school and I just noticed that he has entered on her online profile (without consulting me) that she is vegan. It is on the catering staff’s records now and when she chooses a meal in the mornings she is being told “no you can’t have that you’re vegan”. She eats meat-based meals half the days of the week and has eaten meat all of her life. There was one instance lately of her saying “no I don’t eat meat” at home, but since then she declares that her favourite foods are “lamb, meatballs and sausages”. So, as far as the wishes of a 4 year old count, she certainly does not wish to eat only vegan food.

I fear that being labelled vegan will single her out, may affect her healthy attitude towards food (being told that some foods are bad etc), will confuse her when she is denied her choices at school, and more importantly will lead to her saying “I’m not eating that homemade shepherds pie tonight mummy because my teachers say that I’m vegan”.

I fully acknowledge that her dad can prepare any food he wishes at home. But when I am dropping my daughter off in the morning and collecting her in the evening she isn’t by any definition “in his care”. Without both parents’ consent, without a court order setting out her diet, and against her wishes (she is asking for meat and being refused it), I don’t believe it’s a school’s right to dictate to me and my child what she eats and restrict her to a specific diet.

I have suggested a compromise of dad asking her to choose certain vegan dishes on “his” days (the menus are on the school website). Or he could prepare her a packed lunch. But “dad” just ignores me. If I push the issue then I’ll be accused of all sorts: a bad co-parent, hostile etc.

Is this something I can/should do something about? I don’t want this shaping and influencing the rest of her life and being a label placed on her against her (and my) wishes. And I don’t want any instances at tea time where she refuses to eat the meal that’s been cooked for her with her family. If she gets to 12 years old and is adamant that she’s a vegan (or any other choice) then that’s a different story. But she’s little more than a toddler.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting to propose a compromise and to have the school record amended to remove the ‘vegan diet’ requirement?

No it isnt for the school to manage all this and work out what lifestyles and choices are norms for some families

They had a parent with PR tell them about their daughter's needs. Thats all they know, thats all they need to know

If OP doesnt agree and he wont agree she needs to sort it out with the courts, not badger the school and make them some sort of mediation or fixing service for the dispute with her ex

WTF? Feeding your child a vegan diet isn't the same as starving them to death. Fucking stupid comment.

You think? That a parent will weaponise his child's food choices to give himself a feeling of control, says it all.

Sounds to me like he is a level 1 arsehole that needs to get in the bin. I wouldn’t be surprised if he wasn’t even vegan himself but using your child to get at you. He’s clearly trying to be controlling and you need say that.

Daniel Pelka was neglected to death by abusive parents. This guy is a man who presumably believes being vegan is the best thing for his DD and wants her to eat vegan food where he has control over the situation. In this case he's overstepped by saying she needs to be vegan at school as that's a decision that needs to be agreed between both parents but nothing actually indicates he's abusive, neglectful, controlling or in any way harming his DD. He's just behaving in a high handed way in relation to the OP, and she needs to deal with it accordingly.

That's quite a presumption.

It’s important if posters persist in displaying ignorance about veganism. Encouraging the OP to tell the school that a vegan diet will be dangerous for the child will not help her case and will just make her look silly.

It's more likely than the suggestions that he's arsehole, he's not even vegan, he's only doing this to exert control and even that he's an abuser on the level of Daniel Pelka's parents...
I am vegetarian and raised my DC vegetarian. It was important to me and my ex knew that before we had a baby. Thankfully he didn't disagree with that decision after we split. I empathise with this father who most likely wants what he believes is best for the DD. That doesn't mean I agree his behaviour is correct, it's not. But ascribing him all the terrible motivations on this thread with no evidence is bizarre. Not all fathers are abusive arseholes.

I think assuming the dad is controlling his child by insisting she's vegan at school, and also controlling the mum, is quite a stretch. Parents make decisions about what their children can do, including what they can eat, all the time. It may be that he is a principled vegan and this is important to him.

There are some brands I don't buy because of my ethics, and I won't buy them for my children. If they get given them by someone else they think they're getting away with something and it delights them.

The ideal would be for the parents to come to an agreement based on what is going to enable the child to have a good balanced diet at school. However, this quite often is very difficult for separated parents if one or both are difficult. In that case, the school will presumably have a policy - pps have said it's to default to the standard.

Children can cope with different rules - you can say 'at Daddy's house you eat vegan food, at my house we eat milk and meat as well'.

I’d let the courts decide, quite simply. This is very controlling from your ex, but I’d guess this is nothing new.

I'd assume you have no experience of the family court to give that advice. OP it may stick in your craw but you're better off letting her stay vegan at school than applying to court over this. She'll be old enough to assert her own wishes at school soon enough.

Again, your child is not vegan. There is no such thing as a vegan child, or a vegan cat. Your child eats meat and dairy happily and will continue to do so, and you will continue to feed her those things. She may choose to become vegan when she is much older, but for now it's just not a thing.

Your husband can choose to feed her vegan food but he has no say at all in what happens when he is not there. Be extremely clear with the school that your child is NOT vegan and must NOT be restricted in her diet.

I know of a family member with a specific issue order for very similar things so yes, it is possible.

I didn't say it wasn't possible. I said OP is better off staying away from the family court, which I will stand by 1000%. I've never experienced it as a litigant but I've been involved in a professional capacity hundreds of times. Mumsnetters are so quick to recommend family court and I don't think anyone who's actually done it would recommend it. And over whether a child gets offered meat options in her school lunches? Absolute madness.

Go and ask a paediatrician which is more appropriate for a 4 year old child. 😴A vegan diet or a healthy balanced diet including meat.

For the record, I’m a vegetarian and one of my children has a dairy/egg allergy. I would never force my beliefs onto my dc and limit their diet apart from allergies.

Ive worked in the family courts for over 20 years, private and public law

The court would support father in his own home to choose the diet he gives her (if legal and safe of course), but given the child is asking for and has eaten a non vegan diet at school before and is now quite confused about why she cant have this or that, a court would support that she is not considered 'vegan' at school.

Is this a cultural/religious issue? Dad wants his child to follow his culture/religion?

Lol.

Yes, I know, and I said that way up thread. But if you've worked in private family law and seen what the experience is like for parents would you recommend OP puts herself through it over this issue?

Your right it isn't solely OP's choice nor her ex's, it's the childs choice. The child is not a vegan as the child wants to eat meat and dairy. If OP was saying the child did not want to eat meat but OP really wanted child to eat meat at school and the school was not allowing the child access to the vegetarian/vegan options I'd still be saying that's wrong and child should get to decide what they want to eat.

Yes, she needs a CAO and possibly to deal with this as a specific issue if he gets arsey about it and wont agree.

He’s trying to unilaterally decide she doesn’t eat meat, except she does, he can’t control that. Her mum isn’t trying to say she has to eat meat either at school or her father’s home, she has no issue with her eating vegan at her father’s and just wants her to have a choice of either at school. That seems reasonable to me.
Op talk to the school and explain the situation. Tell them she is not vegan and while you have no issue if she chooses the vegan option, you also want her to be able to choose meat, dairy etc if she wants.

Our daughter will not be allowed to choose her own meat-based options at any age as long as this label is held on her file. Even when she is 12 years old say. It is treated like an allergy even though it is not. The school are incredibly strict on this.

Some are a little confused, of course I advocate her father choosing to cook whatever he likes in his home. I am not trying to dictate that in any way. I want our daughter to have free choice (at least on half the days at school).

OP - please speak to school
child is clearly NOT vegan by choice and therefore should Nott be listed as vegan at school.

if it was me I would just change it very matter of factly. Email the caterer (or fill the form - whatever your school need) and advise them there has been a mistake and X is not vegan. Therefor all dietary restrictions should be removed from their records.

then follow up with head / safeguarding and form teacher to confirm you have requested an update to the caterer record and request they update their school record.

then speak separately to safeguardinf about your concerns that the Father is trying to control this and school should not enable him.

explain to them child is not vegan. Has never been vegan. You are happy for her to follow dad’s dietary choices when she is with him but when she is at school she should be allowed to be an ordinary meat eating 4yo with no restrictions.

best of luck with it. Be matter of fact. Be polite. Be consistent. Be prepared to repeat the facts several times. Reiterate In person and in writing. Advocate for your child.

no need to tackle dad head on. This is a good choice your child is allowed and you can empower her to make.

And then as soon as Dad finds out he explains to school actually he wants child to be vegan so please change it back. And as he has PR's they have to.