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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Diet restriction imposed by school and father

266 replies

ByMauveEagle · 01/10/2025 23:30

Hi All, I’ve a little issue that I’d like a second opinion on. I equally share care of 4-year old daughter with her father. She has recently started school and I just noticed that he has entered on her online profile (without consulting me) that she is vegan. It is on the catering staff’s records now and when she chooses a meal in the mornings she is being told “no you can’t have that you’re vegan”. She eats meat-based meals half the days of the week and has eaten meat all of her life. There was one instance lately of her saying “no I don’t eat meat” at home, but since then she declares that her favourite foods are “lamb, meatballs and sausages”. So, as far as the wishes of a 4 year old count, she certainly does not wish to eat only vegan food.

I fear that being labelled vegan will single her out, may affect her healthy attitude towards food (being told that some foods are bad etc), will confuse her when she is denied her choices at school, and more importantly will lead to her saying “I’m not eating that homemade shepherds pie tonight mummy because my teachers say that I’m vegan”.

I fully acknowledge that her dad can prepare any food he wishes at home. But when I am dropping my daughter off in the morning and collecting her in the evening she isn’t by any definition “in his care”. Without both parents’ consent, without a court order setting out her diet, and against her wishes (she is asking for meat and being refused it), I don’t believe it’s a school’s right to dictate to me and my child what she eats and restrict her to a specific diet.

I have suggested a compromise of dad asking her to choose certain vegan dishes on “his” days (the menus are on the school website). Or he could prepare her a packed lunch. But “dad” just ignores me. If I push the issue then I’ll be accused of all sorts: a bad co-parent, hostile etc.

Is this something I can/should do something about? I don’t want this shaping and influencing the rest of her life and being a label placed on her against her (and my) wishes. And I don’t want any instances at tea time where she refuses to eat the meal that’s been cooked for her with her family. If she gets to 12 years old and is adamant that she’s a vegan (or any other choice) then that’s a different story. But she’s little more than a toddler.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting to propose a compromise and to have the school record amended to remove the ‘vegan diet’ requirement?

OP posts:
babyproblems · 02/10/2025 11:09

pottylolly · 01/10/2025 23:34

You need to explain to the school that she isn’t vegan, and the dad is using it to control her. Make it clear that your daughter should be allowed to freely choose whatever meal she likes. Talk to the head if you need to.

This x10000.
Id see a solicitor and consider what the future is going to look like; she’s only 4- you have a lot of co parenting left to do. I’d be keeping evidence of all of this incase I needed it at a later date in court.
This is about control - it’s quite dark actually that he is doing this to control your daughter’s choices and your choices. Have you considered this? It’s not really about the veganism at all. You need a meeting with the head and a solicitor to see what they’d suggest from a legal POV.

zeebra · 02/10/2025 11:12

Unfortunately I don't think a vegan meal in a school would be very exciting. Schools are producing meals on mass and a vegan meal could end up being very uninspiring. A school cook is not a chef in a restaurant. (sorry to any school cooks but they are not usually highly qualified trained chefs. )

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 02/10/2025 11:12

BuckChuckets · 02/10/2025 11:06

No it's not. You said vegan diets need expert care and attention. And they don't. They don't need more expert care and attention than any diet.

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Any diet that knocks out whole food groups needs administering, to a child particularly, by someone who has taken the time to educate themselves proficiently on the subject. If you think that’s just not true then I really hope you’re not out there feeding a child a restrictive diet with no clue what you’re doing and wondering why your child is looking unwell.

PineConesAndBerries · 02/10/2025 11:21

Must be hard for the school being caught between parents like this. If OP complains to the school and they stop giving the dd vegan food they'll then have the dad storming up the school shouting at them for giving non vegan food.

BuckChuckets · 02/10/2025 11:22

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 02/10/2025 11:12

Any diet that knocks out whole food groups needs administering, to a child particularly, by someone who has taken the time to educate themselves proficiently on the subject. If you think that’s just not true then I really hope you’re not out there feeding a child a restrictive diet with no clue what you’re doing and wondering why your child is looking unwell.

Show quote history

Both my and my child are incredibly healthy, thanks for your concern though 🤗

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 02/10/2025 11:29

BuckChuckets · 02/10/2025 11:22

Both my and my child are incredibly healthy, thanks for your concern though 🤗

Show quote history

And why are you healthy? I assume because you have bothered to read up on what foods are required to give the daily amount of protein and calcium needed, now milk, yogurt, cheese and meat off the table.

We have no clue what the OP’s father is now giving her if his Veganism is brand new to him. It’s a red flag and particularly because he has gone over the head of the OP and l straight to the school to remove dietary choice from her. As a mother I would be immediately concerned and I would want to discuss with the school.

InMyShowgirlEra · 02/10/2025 11:32

I don't think eating vegan food will single her out or give her an unhealthy relationship with food, but I do think it's silly for school to be going to the trouble of making sure she eats vegan when she eats meat at home.

Honestly I'd just inform the school that she's not vegan and then message Dad, "Hi, as we haven't been able to reach any kid of compromise on this issue I have notified the school that DD isn't vegan. Happy to discuss this if you wish."

StripyShirt · 02/10/2025 11:37

You are both independently deciding on what your daughter eats. She is too young to make an informed decision either way, so this is something you have to reach an agreement on between you.

Compromise at vegetarian?

FutureMarchionessOfVidal · 02/10/2025 11:46

Am I right in thinking the school are actually - having noted this on her records- refusing to change it?

if so I would escalate with the head teacher immediately.

The point is that a non- restricted diet is the norm. The school need the consent of BOTH parents with parental responsibility - or a court order- to deviate from this norm. Without that they need to revert to the norm of an unrestricted diet.

If the father wants to force the school to impose a restriction without your consent, he will need to take legal action to achieve this.

Basically the school have deviated from the norm & imposed a restriction without full parental consent. (Even worse, a restriction to which you could reasonably object on health grounds.) This is a problem & something they need to undo- it is not up to you to reach agreement with the father to change this. He - and the school!- needed your agreement to change it in the first place .

You could try setting this out in an email to the head teacher if you are worried about communicating in person.

Wowthatwasabigstep · 02/10/2025 11:55

Email the school outlining the situation and stating that she is not a vegan as she eats meat. It could be a useful paper trail if you need to apply for a specific issue order at a later date.

Is the father also vegan, if not mention that in the email to the school so they can draw their own inference, the reason he is stating she is vegan is to exert some control etc

Notagain75 · 02/10/2025 11:57

pottylolly · 01/10/2025 23:34

You need to explain to the school that she isn’t vegan, and the dad is using it to control her. Make it clear that your daughter should be allowed to freely choose whatever meal she likes. Talk to the head if you need to.

Definitely do this

QuickPeachPoet · 02/10/2025 12:01

Absolute no chance. I would seek a meeting with the highest possible person who will see you and insist that your child's notes are updated. No way would I allow a 4 year old to be vegan. I wouldn't allow a 14 year old to be vegan! Your ex partner is a twat.

CurlewKate · 02/10/2025 12:03

QuickPeachPoet · 02/10/2025 12:01

Absolute no chance. I would seek a meeting with the highest possible person who will see you and insist that your child's notes are updated. No way would I allow a 4 year old to be vegan. I wouldn't allow a 14 year old to be vegan! Your ex partner is a twat.

Why not?

CurlewKate · 02/10/2025 12:07

Mumsnet is so very weird about veganism and vegetarianism. It’s quite pathetic, really.

Jellywife · 02/10/2025 12:18

CurlewKate · 02/10/2025 12:07

Mumsnet is so very weird about veganism and vegetarianism. It’s quite pathetic, really.

Agree. This isn’t even about the diet, it’s about a co- parenting dispute with 50:50 care. The next steps would be the same if the argument was about whether DC should attend PSHE or school swimming lessons or a school trip to a zoo/mosque/theme park or residential trips etc etc etc.

saraclara · 02/10/2025 12:23

The thread jacking by the pro and anti veganism posters is getting really irritating and it's of no help to OP. Give us a break!

Lougle · 02/10/2025 12:25

Is this an issue of principle or concern about the control? Is he controlling in other ways? If it's just a principle issue, then I'd let the vegan lunch go and make sure she has really good animal protein on the other meals. If it's a control issue, you need to get that dealt with and school dinners isn't the biggest worry.

CinnamonBuns67 · 02/10/2025 12:33

I'd speak to the school and say "Dad's vegan, I'm not and neither is DD. I want her to decide what she wants to eat wether thats, meat, vegetarian or vegan", ultimately it should be up to her what she picks for her school lunch fair enough it's Dad's choice what she eats at his house as I'd not expect a vegan to prepare meat or dairy but he shouldn't be preventing her having foods she likes at school just because he doesn't agree with her having them.

anniegun · 02/10/2025 12:36

Please do not expect the school to manage a parental dispute. They have better things to do.

MikeRafone · 02/10/2025 12:40

pottylolly · 01/10/2025 23:34

You need to explain to the school that she isn’t vegan, and the dad is using it to control her. Make it clear that your daughter should be allowed to freely choose whatever meal she likes. Talk to the head if you need to.

This ^

sashh · 02/10/2025 13:05

Can you send a couple of sausages in for a break snack?

I can see the school is in a difficult position when parents disagree. Maybe a letter saying she is an omnivore but her father (I assume) is vegan but you believe it should be up to the child to choose.

You could possibly raise a safeguarding issue of coercive control. Controlling what you eat is listed as an example, and he is also trying to coercively control you by depriving you of independence to choose what your child eats at school.

helpfulperson · 02/10/2025 13:09

CinnamonBuns67 · 02/10/2025 12:33

I'd speak to the school and say "Dad's vegan, I'm not and neither is DD. I want her to decide what she wants to eat wether thats, meat, vegetarian or vegan", ultimately it should be up to her what she picks for her school lunch fair enough it's Dad's choice what she eats at his house as I'd not expect a vegan to prepare meat or dairy but he shouldn't be preventing her having foods she likes at school just because he doesn't agree with her having them.

But the OP can't say her daughter is not vegan because that isn't soley her choice.

Is the ex a vegan because that is fairly important?

Meadowfinch · 02/10/2025 13:15

Remind the school of the case of Daniel Pelka.

Then inform them that your child is not vegan, has never been vegan and should be encouraged to make her own food choices, free from control.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 02/10/2025 13:15

@ByMauveEagle so a young child is not allowed to drink cows milk or eat eggs?? god help the wee soul! vegan diets are bad for a kid of this age

Woompund · 02/10/2025 13:15

helpfulperson · 02/10/2025 13:09

But the OP can't say her daughter is not vegan because that isn't soley her choice.

Is the ex a vegan because that is fairly important?

Show quote history

But it is. Because vegan isn't a name, it's a thing you do. And in her time with the DD she allows her to eat meat. Therefore the DD is not vegan, whether her father wants her to be and only gives her vegan food during his time or not. Nobody can compel the OP to only give the child vegan food, therefore the OP is the one who decides if the child is vegan or not. And she's not.