To want my child to have cosmetic surgery?

[Savethewhales1]

I have an 8 year old DD, her ears have always protruded quite significantly. Up until recently, shes never mentioned them, nobodies ever mentioned them to her. She was recently part of a weddings bridal party and while getting ready made a number of comments about her “elf ears”. It’s the first time I’d ever heard her mention them and made me really sad.

I’d like to solve this problem now, as I believe it will likely become an area of great insecurity for her in the future and avoid any teasing down the line (girls can be cruel). I also believe it may be available on the NHS while she’s a child. However, I don’t want to make her self conscious of her ears if she isn’t and cause the insecurity.

So, AIBU?
YANBU - get them pinned back
YABU - don’t risk making her insecure if she isn’t

Used to be a very common surgery on the NHS in the early 90s. Remember lists of 'bilateral repair of bat ears' on small children. It's horrible that anyone makes mean comments so I'd speak to your GP for advice to see what options might be available.

My son has a squint and we have put his name down for the surgery purely for the bullying reason. He should get it as a toddler/before school. We’ve already had 5-7year olds say to us/him “why is he cock eyed”.

I'm absolutely, 100% against any kind of optional surgery for children...), but this I would do without hesitation

eh? This is an optional surgery for a child ..

How is it a "flaw" :/. I'm honestly shocked by the attitudes on this thread.

I had mine done about 40 years ago. I was having kids be unkind to me and hated going to school, I came home in tears a lot.
Glad I had it done.

You obviously do think there’s something wrong or you wouldn’t even consider entertaining the idea of surgically altering your young child for the purposes of aesthetics. Would you also tell her to have a boob job if you considered people were making fun of her too flat chest, or tell her she needs a BBL or a nose job?

Cant even believe people are encouraging this. If she’s insecure it’ll be because you haven’t taught her the true beauty in who she is - big prominent ears included.

There are several children in my extended family with ears that stick out. They’re siblings. All equally noticeable. But only one of them has ever been remotely bothered by it. She was super self-conscious and got picked on, and she had hers pinned back when she was about 15. None of her siblings disliked their identical ears, though - one of them jokes about his but he doesn’t dislike them and would be quite hurt if it was suggested he ought to have anything done about them. They’re all adults or older teens now and totally happy.

For that reason, I’d say don’t suggest it to her unless she makes it clear that it’s really bothering her. Just because she said she’s got ‘elf ears’ doesn’t mean she hates her ears or feels there’s something wrong with them.

You are highly, highly unlikely to get this done on the NHS.

I had a squint that my parents wouldnt allow me to have surgery for "in case it went wrong". My dad was squeamish about eyes, that was why.

So I was bullied mercilessly for years. Needless to say DS got his op as soon as he could.

Kids are shits and will pick on anything. I agree that doing it now before senior school would be best, the bullies at that age are a feral pack of animals if they smell any insecurity, and if a kid isnt insecure about their perceived "difference" bullies will make sure that they soon are.

My childhood friend’s sister had prominent ears and had her ears pinned back (no idea on how it was done), that was in early 90s. Sometimes these things need to be done if they’re having a big impact. Do whatever’s right for your DD and ignore strong views from very opinionated outsiders if they come up.

But OP doesn't think they are having a big impact- she's trying to preempt this?

My parents had mine done in the 90s when I was at primary and I'm glad they did because I had a visible difference. I don't remember it being sore but I do remember the hideous bandages round my head lol x

I had mine done privately as an adult two years ago. It was easy and a pain free recovery but I hear that is rare. I wish I’d had it done as a child, I was a very insecure teen and young adult.

But the fact that the daughter has brought it up and used "elf ears" when she hasnt before, suggests that this may now be an issue if some little shit at school has started pointing out her ears.

If she’s not bothered by them then I would leave it for now. When and if she does get bothered by them that’s when I would look at options.

Don’t make this decision for her. It’s her body and by making the decision you’re essentially telling her that she is in some way not attractive enough. I know you say that’s not how you feel, but that’s how it could easily be perceived. To say any iteration of “I noticed this feature of yours and I believe that it is so unusual you’ll be bullied for it” is going to be extremely upsetting for her.

If your daughter is beautiful, she’s beautiful as she is. Everyone has a feature that they’ve been teased about at one time - often things that are actually perfectly normal. For all you know you could do this to your daughter and she’ll end up being teased for having ears that don’t stick out enough! Kids who bully are cruel. They’ll pick on any old thing and make a person insecure about it regardless of the reality.

Instead of trying to change your daughter’s appearance out of fear she’ll not like her ears, why not reassure her that she’s beautiful as she is, and teach her to find the security and strength inside to see off whatever comes along. Otherwise the only lesson you’re teaching her is that she needs to change herself for fear of other’s opinions. Anyone bullying her over something so petty isn’t worth a second of her time or attention, let alone her changing her body because of it!

It was quite common to have them done on the NHS in the 80's.
Yanbu, if she really wants them done check with the NHS but you'll probably have to go private.

I would leave it be and not mention anything to do with her ears. If she brings it up, I personally would say I love her ears. If as a teenager it is an issue, you can talk some more but always with reassurance that you love her exactly the way she is.

Many many years ago I was an au pair for a wealthy family in Europe. One of the children was born with a large birthmark on his face. When I worked for the family, he had a faint but long scar across his face. He'd had surgery age 5 to have the mark removed and had worn what he referred to as a mask for 6 months while it healed. It had a profound impact on him. It had been painful and scary and his face had been hidden or partially hidden from view for what probably seemed like most of his living memory. He had some very deep seated feelings of being ugly and unloveable - that he was so ugly that he'd had to go through all of that trauma to make him acceptable to his family and others. It was a good many decades ago and as far as I know he never got any sort of therapy with the surgery. I remember that he was most the lovely child but deep down seemed very very sad.

Got mine done at 10 best thing I ever did. Funnily enough people used to flick my ears and call me dumbo. Got them pinned back and people didn’t notice they just stopped calling me names which I thought was odd. Very pleased I got it done.

Get it done sooner rather than later. These easy fixes, ears, teeth - braces, so easy.

You could get the procedure done proactively or you could wait and see what happens, both options are valid.
In the waiting scenario, remember that your daughter may or may not be bullied about it in the future. It’s not a given that she will be, and not a given that she will care if she is. She might even be proud of her ears. And if she’s bothered, you can tell her she’s lucky that it’s something that can be fixed down the line if she wants to, unlike the other children’s unkindness which unfortunately can’t.

I am Officially Old and was at primary school with a boy who had prominent ears. He returned after one holiday with them pretty much flat to his head, and was cruelly mocked. In the same class, one of the girls had very lank, greasy hair - it's called puberty - and I remember being present when her mother told mine that she had taken Valerie for "a light perm" to solve the problem. The result was a head of greasy frizz.

Perms grow out. Ear surgery doesn't. And people "grow into" facial features ... including ears.

My dd18 has sticky outy ears. Not a single person has said anything. She occasionally says things like her ears are better for showing off her multiple piercings. She’s cute and I think her ears are too

I would get it done for her if that’s what she wants because kids can be so cruel.

I’d equate it to getting braces, also cosmetic. I wish my parents had of done this for me.

Same. See also "there's nothing wrong with having hair on your legs" (obviously there isn't, but as a teen I was the only one in my year not allowed to shave their legs). Thank god they got me braces for my teeth!