To want my child to have cosmetic surgery?

[Savethewhales1]

I have an 8 year old DD, her ears have always protruded quite significantly. Up until recently, shes never mentioned them, nobodies ever mentioned them to her. She was recently part of a weddings bridal party and while getting ready made a number of comments about her “elf ears”. It’s the first time I’d ever heard her mention them and made me really sad.

I’d like to solve this problem now, as I believe it will likely become an area of great insecurity for her in the future and avoid any teasing down the line (girls can be cruel). I also believe it may be available on the NHS while she’s a child. However, I don’t want to make her self conscious of her ears if she isn’t and cause the insecurity.

So, AIBU?
YANBU - get them pinned back
YABU - don’t risk making her insecure if she isn’t

For me it would all depend on whether she is bothered by it. Talk to her about body image and insecurities generally and see what she thinks. If she doesn’t think it’s an issue I’d leave them alone. My sisters ears were like that as a child, they aren’t now.

My advice is to offer to have the pinned back and if she's not keen never mention it again.

A friend had it done when she was 12, her brother with the same ears did not. As adults they look the same.

I do think most people grow into it and it's not as pronounced. How many adults with ears sticking out do you know? Maybe someone who had them as a child can give her a pep talk.

Feeling the need to look perfect is fuelling this. Kids become accustomed to differences when they are used to seeing them. Imo it's the child's body so should be up to them if they have cosmetic surgery, get circumcised, ears pierced and so on

My DP has very sticky out ears, and I love them. He has never been bothered by them although he does recall getting bullied about them. I have seen photos of him as small child and they were huge. That is the fault of the bullies though, and I don't believe someone should feel pressured into having surgery to avoid being picked on. Maybe teach your kids to accept that we are all different.

I would have said not to, to leave it - she is she and beautiful as she is, but I never had the issue - however, a work colleague has a child with protruding ears and it’s definitely affected that child as they’ve gotten a little older.
The child I knew who’d had the operation when very small (which is where I formed my ignorant opinion) has since grown into a lovely young adult (as she would have done without the operation) but has never had to struggle with other peoples comments and teasing.

So if it was my Dc with the issue then yes I would definitely intervene and try to solve it as soon as I could.

The human race really astounds me

I get it, society sucks, but fucking hell, putting our children through a general anaesthetic and surgery because we're not happy with their perfectly lovely, normally functioning body parts.

I'd much rather have a child with sticky out ears who is unbothered by them Vs a child with perfect ears who thinks there's something "wrong" with their body looking a certain way

I'm not naive, kids can get bullied, but it sets a dangerous precedent imo

Easy to say when you are not the child being pushed to the brink of suicide because of the bullying.

I can say "Fuck you" because I am an adult who literally doesnt give a shit what people thing. At 11 it almost destroyed me.

Kate Hudson did have her ears pinned back iirc

As an adult aged 34 with large ears, how I wish my parents had gotten mine done.

@Savethewhales1 our dd had hers done age 7 I think. Best decision, no regrets!

My brother had this operation done in the 90s. In hindsight there was absolutely nothing wrong with his ears.
An uncle called him wingnut, and that was it. It became a problem.
My mum should have told her brother to knock it off.

It was a lot of aggro, for nothing, in the end.
He regretted having it done, too.

My parents decided this for me when I was about 10, I had the surgery to pin my ears back and to this day at 50 I'm so grateful they did. I think they agonised over the decision, but it wasn't bad parenting, it was absolutely the right choice.

My life was an absolute misery every day at primary school with bullies and teasing - and I never told my parents how bad it was. A relative had the same ears and his life was also badly affected by it, he didn't have the op.

Maybe gently talk to her about it and suggest something can be done if she wants, she might be embarrassed to tell you if she's unhappy - or she might be completely fine about her ears.

Good luck x

"This is really, really bad parenting"

I think letting your child have to be self conscious for years and potentially get teased, never want to wear her hair up etc is bad parenting so we all have different opinions

@Savethewhales1 Op, if she had never mentioned them then I would wait, but she has. I don't know where you are but if in UK and near London/ South East I am happy to recommend the surgeon we used, she was fantastic, so kind. It was a massive decision so I feel for you.

Why do you want to teach your daughter that she's not pretty enough as she is?

Surely she is still ‘beautiful’? Sometimes having a feature which isn’t bog standard makes you even more beautiful if that’s what you’re focussed on? Women have so much more to them than just being beautiful. If she hates it when she can give proper consent, then it’s a relatively simple and quick procedure to do. She’s only eight, give her a bit of time before you start to impose beauty standards on her. She’s only noticed hers are slightly different, not bad. Some people are taller than average, some have bigger feet, some have more freckles. Different isn’t bad, and people will mock you for whatever.

This.
And teaching her that if she gets bullied then she is the one that has to change.

Ive worked in paediatrics and used to see pinnaplasty regularly when i started 20+ years ago. I don’t work where they do surgery now but when i did, it was very rare that it was done. Criteria was tightened up. I’m not saying it’s not available on the NHS but rarely.

Also it’s not minor, it can be painful. It can also fail and have to be redone. It was done under general too.

Honestly I had ears like that as a kid/teen and they naturally flattened as I got older.

I'd let her make the decision for herself when she's old enough to make choices about her own body. In the meantime, probably best not to encourage her to think anything about her (still growing and changing) body needs surgical intervention. I think that could lead down a bit of a rabbit hole of insecurity as she grows up.

Ah youve just brought back memories of when my dd had hers done, yes she was in a lot of pain, especially the first night home she didn't sleep a wink! It shouldn't be gone into lightly, do lots of research OP. We had to go private though.

My DD is super confident. I don't think she would have been if we hadn't done it, that's just My opinion. I think she would have suffered as she was getting extremely self conscious about them and would not wear her hair up. She even wanted her long hair cut off to a bob so that school would not be able to enforce her wearing it up. We are 6/7 years on now and she is so happy we did it

It’s many years ago now but I had my son’s ears done. In fact I took him to the gp about something else and they mentioned it to me. It was done on the NHS when he was about nine and I do not regret it one bit.

Sorry but that is shocking. A GP recommended he have his ears done when you didn't even mention it?
GPs should not be pedalling beauty standards to patients.

would say to absolutely go for it. I was in the exact same situation as a child. My ears stuck out a lot and were not really an issue until I started noticing them as I got older. My Mum was like you and was concerned about bullying when I went to secondary school. When I was 12 years old I had them pinned back on the NHS and I am SO grateful I had it done. I did have to have surgery again 5 years later to remove further cartilage as they were sore and I do still get pain in them if I sleep on them, however I will take some minor pain over feeling self conscious with how my ears were before.

DS2 has a visible difference that could be surgically corrected. He has been bullied for it in the past. He likes his face as it is and has never wanted it ‘fixed’.

if she likes her elf ears then leave them be.