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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my child to have cosmetic surgery?

414 replies

Savethewhales1 · 01/10/2025 19:09

I have an 8 year old DD, her ears have always protruded quite significantly. Up until recently, shes never mentioned them, nobodies ever mentioned them to her. She was recently part of a weddings bridal party and while getting ready made a number of comments about her “elf ears”. It’s the first time I’d ever heard her mention them and made me really sad.

I’d like to solve this problem now, as I believe it will likely become an area of great insecurity for her in the future and avoid any teasing down the line (girls can be cruel). I also believe it may be available on the NHS while she’s a child. However, I don’t want to make her self conscious of her ears if she isn’t and cause the insecurity.

So, AIBU?
YANBU - get them pinned back
YABU - don’t risk making her insecure if she isn’t

OP posts:
Juniperwilde · 03/10/2025 16:41

My ears stick out a lot and I was bullied about them as a child… I never did anything about them. Today I don’t even think about them…

I was also bullied about my lips not being thin, my hair being curly, my big boobs, how skinny I was, that I was a virgin… that I was a Christian…

I personally wouldn’t put my child through that.
And as a child if my parent mentioned about pinning them back or made an appointment about it I would feel she didn’t love me the way I was, that she didn’t think I was pretty etc.

All it shows is that you agree that her ears aren’t okay and she should have something done to her to make her more ‘normal’.
It’s also giving in to what others think and say, and letting them have the power. It’s also erasing a part of who she is.

So no, it’s not something I would do.

Skiddlingmama · 03/10/2025 17:13

I got this done when I was 20 on the nhs, I suffered for many years trying to hide my ears. Please if you can get it done, do it whilst she is young and save her any undue stress, my only regret was that I didn’t speak up sooner as it completely changed my life.

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 04/10/2025 06:55

I haven't read the full thread, just OPs posts so apologies if I'm repeating what others have said.

My DD had her ears pinned back aged 7. I'd always been very aware of them (yes, I'm shallow, I admit it) but didn't want to make her self conscious. A little boy at school called her "monkey ears" and she was quite upset so off to an ENT referral we went.

Very few questions asked, surgery completed a few months later on the NHS. The mention of name-calling was enough for the consultant to approve the surgery. This was quite a long time ago - she's 26 now. No regrets about it for either of us (she's really glad we had it done) but what I will say is that they can start to protrude again.

Depending on the cartilage levels etc, you can get quite a bit of "spring back" as the years pass. DDs have definitely come back out a noticeable amount but they're still better than they were. Hers were at least as bad, probably worse, than the picture you posted. Her words now when looking at photos of herself pre-surgery - "FA Cup ears" 🙈

JMSA · 04/10/2025 07:06

MyLimeGuide · 01/10/2025 19:20

Elf ears actually sounds pretty cool?

To an adult, yes.
Kids don’t want to be different.

OP, I know you said girls can be cruel, but my daughters found boys so much worse!

Nina1013 · 04/10/2025 07:11

Savethewhales1 · 01/10/2025 19:52

Just for reference, picture from Google, they are like this.

I think I’m going to wait to see if she mentions it again, and have a discussion that if it bothers her we can sort it!

Mine are a much smaller and less protruding version of this and I hate them - I never ever have my ears showing and that makes it hard for things like hot sticky theme park days on holidays etc.

Mine couldn’t be pinned back really because they don’t protrude like these (all the way down) - mine stick out only at the top. So to pin the top, you’d essentially have an almost flat rest of the ear area, which looks even worse. I have actually grown into them mostly, but I still hate them.

If they can be pinned back, do it - I so wish mine had been. If either of my kids had had ears like mine, I’d have done it in a heartbeat.

Sprocket1 · 04/10/2025 08:25

back in the 1990s I had my ears pinned back at the age of 28 after a conversation with my health visitor as my daughter had ears that stuck out .I hated my ears and was called dumbo at home .It was the best thing i’d ever done so i spoke to the GP about my daughter and she was 4 when she had hers done and I am so glad I did this for her .( I was a nervous wreck waiting for the surgery to be over though)
I know things have changed in the NHS since then but personally i would push for this as i know how my confidence improved immensely.

Sprocket1 · 04/10/2025 08:25

back in the 1990s I had my ears pinned back at the age of 28 after a conversation with my health visitor as my daughter had ears that stuck out .I hated my ears and was called dumbo at home .It was the best thing i’d ever done so i spoke to the GP about my daughter and she was 4 when she had hers done and I am so glad I did this for her .( I was a nervous wreck waiting for the surgery to be over though)
I know things have changed in the NHS since then but personally i would push for this as i know how my confidence improved immensely.

Almostwelsh · 04/10/2025 11:30

One of the current Uniqlo models has sticky out ears. She has her hair up and she looks great! I only noticed her ears because I'd just been reading this thread.

Okiedokie123 · 04/10/2025 18:06

Im not even vaguely into make up, my looks etc but yes I would want my ears pinned back a bit if they were as sticky out as in the photo @Savethewhales1. I agree with having a little chat with her and then a trip to the GP to see whats what. Having it done now will be so much less of a drama than if you wait until shes a teen and being picked on - which sadly...... shes quite likely to be. I assume its a very simple and quick procedure?

ittakes2 · 04/10/2025 18:12

I would really not do this unless she asks / says it’s a problem. Elf is not a complaint - she might like her elf ears. How would you bring this up? The rest of the world will think your elf ears are uncool so we are going to get them changed by scary surgery so you look better for other people when you are a teen? What message will that say to her about her needing to physically change her body for others?

Jochef · 04/10/2025 18:18

I remember twins in my class at primary school having their ears pinned back, I’d never actually thought they were sticking out, but conversations with them as they got older they told me they were teased really badly. For context I’m 56 now. I was teased all through school for being fat. Shit like that stays with you.
Get them done if you can 🤷🏻‍♀️

cottoncandy260 · 04/10/2025 18:24

CharlieKirkRIP · 01/10/2025 19:35

It used to be quite common for boys with a short back and sides to be called Wing Nut in the 60s and 70s! I don’t recall any girls with protruding ears.

Of course, people were more good natured back then and harmless teasing and laughing with one another has taken a nasty turn nowadays and has been replaced with bullying and cruel jibes.

Children are less resilient today and are more focused on their looks from a young age.

I would not bother the NHS but would look into having it done privately if you think she is not able to stand up to any cruel comments now or later on.

People were ‘more good natured back then?’ hahahaha - I think you’re slightly delusional……or brainwashed

YellowElephant5 · 04/10/2025 18:35

YourTaupeWriter · 01/10/2025 19:20

Lots of surgeries used to be performed on children. Tonsils and adenoids etc . Those days are gone. The NHS is stretched to breaking point. As others have stated above the OPs daughter probably wouldn't meet the criteria. Why take her to a GP appointment to duscuss it when the chances of referral are next to zero.

Show quote history

I think the UK is far stricter even privately. My daughter has a large spider angioma on her cheek under her eye. We spent a few months in the States when she was 5 and every school/camp called about it or was concerned about it which seemed very odd to me. One required a doctor sign off about it. The doctor told me in the US this would always be lasered off if you had insurance by age 3. Considered serious enough for general anaesthetic at that age. Came back to UK shortly after and tried to have it done privately. Every single dermatologist refused and one who is a family friend told me to stop getting appointments about it because it could raise safeguarding concerns trying to get unnecessary cosmetic surgery on a child so young. Totally different cultures. It's such an issue every time we visit family in the States though because no one has seen them!

Olive96 · 04/10/2025 18:49

I have the same kind of ears, and wanted to get them pinned back as a child - I had to sit in front of a ‘pin panel’ and explain why it was impacting my life, which was far more traumatising than any comments people made 😂 she’ll grow in to them and with your support she’ll learn to love herself - she shouldn’t have to be perfect. My youngest has inherited them and when I see them on her I realise how beautiful all our imperfections are

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 04/10/2025 18:53

DH had them pinned back on the NHS when he was about 8.
I've seen his "before" pics, full marks to DMIL for getting it done.

Mizztikle · 04/10/2025 18:54

Speak to you doctor and see what the options are, It can’t hurt. Then decide what’s best for her.

Soubriquet · 04/10/2025 19:19

I had my ears pinned back when I was 11. It was actually suggested by my doctor at the time and was completely covered by the NHS.

I have never regretted having it done. My ears were really sticking out.

The ONLY downside is the scarring at the back of the ear can get painful if you need to wear glasses or in my case a hearing aid.

chatahoochee · 04/10/2025 19:48

F

2O25 · 04/10/2025 20:11

Your daughter talked to you about her elf ears. It sounds like it bothers her. I would talk to her instead of waiting until she talks to you. She wouldn't know that something can be done about it.

JaninaDuszejko · 04/10/2025 20:35

Thissickbeat · 02/10/2025 07:57

"If she says she's got elf ears again smile, kiss her and tell her they are very cute ears and you think she's beautiful. That is all you need to say."

jan If you had kids at school being bullied you'd soon realise that how ineffective and patronising that is. Kidd are nasty and secondary school is brutal.

I have three teenagers (13, 16 and 17). I know exactly how mean some teenagers can be. But my kids know that says more about the person attempting to bully them than it does about them. If it crosses a line I have let school know but in most situations they can deal with it.

This is what the NHS says about the possible side effects of this totally unnecessary cosmetic surgery.:

What could go wrong
Ear correction surgery can occasionally cause:

  • inflammation of the ear cartilage
  • a blood clot in the skin of the ear
  • stiff ears – it can take several months for them to become flexible again
  • the ears no longer being symmetrical
  • the surgery not being successful and the ears starting to protrude again
Any type of operation also carries a small risk of:
  • excessive bleeding
  • infection where the cut was made
  • an allergic reaction to the anaesthetic
Your surgeon should explain how likely these risks and complications are and how they would be treated.
hcee19 · 05/10/2025 08:32

Tricky one...The nhs will do this surgery if the ears are severely deformed, and sometimes children whose ears need pinning back if the child shows severs psychological upset. It also depends on the individual health authority.....

HardyMauveQuoter · 05/10/2025 11:48

Asked your daughter, she's 8 years old. She will tell you if it bothers her or not

OrangeSunsetSkies · 05/10/2025 11:50

I once commented on someone's cauliflower ear and they had it done several months later. Felt really bad about saying it in front of people, don't know why, I was trying to be funny.

zingally · 05/10/2025 12:53

I've got bat ears, as has my mum, and a cousin on that side.

I was oblivious to them as a child, hated them as a teen, then was neutral towards them as a young adult onwards.

I'd say leave it alone if your DD hasn't mentioned them.

A boy at my secondary school got his pinned back in about Yr8. He looked better for it, but he was still forever "the kid who got his ears pinned back."

Ambla12 · 05/10/2025 18:33

I had my ears pinned back aged 9 because (after I changed schools) I was relentlessly teased about my ears. Unfortunately, it was very painful, didn't stop the teasing, and my ears still look uneven and one is a bit weird, whereas at least they matched before. I wish I hadn't had it done. I'd say don't do it!