Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist DH goes NC with work colleague?

154 replies

Fishfridays · 01/10/2025 17:45

I’ll start this by saying that I’ve long found it a bit odd how often DH messages a particular colleague outside of work, but I’ve had no reason to be suspicious as they do share a hobby and I’ve seen them message about this when it is on TV etc. Also, she lives in Scotland and we are down South so they never meet up.

However, I’ve seen recent messages between them and now have proof that these have become inappropriate.

I took photos of some of them using my phone so DH can’t lie about what was said.

This is one of the exchanges at the weekend.

C (Colleague) - it’s a shame I live so far away and can never come on the work nights out
DH - you aren’t missing much, they aren’t exactly wild
C - I bet you don’t think I have a wild side
DH - you probably do compared to the others 😂
C - People always think I’m innocent, but I’m in to all sorts
DH - it’s probably a good job you keep that side hidden at work then
C - Yeah, some of the tools I’ve got, you wouldn’t want me flashing them on our 10.30’s
DH - I don’t think flashing would go down well full stop somehow
C - I bet you’d enjoy it though
DH - depends what would be flashed
C - Lets just say I like being dom 🍆
DH - yeah, definitely for the best there’s no flashing then 😂
C - 😂😂

I have confronted DH about these messages and he said he felt uncomfortable but was being polite in response without leading her on as he doesn’t want to make things awkward at work.

I’ve asked him to go NC with her outside of work and he doesn’t think this is necessary but said he’d steer any conversations like that away ‘next time’.

I feel livid but he’s made me feel as if I’m being OTT. Does anyone honestly read that and think they’d be comfortable if it was their own DH?

OP posts:
Dartmoorcheffy · 01/10/2025 17:47

I would say in fairness to him, hes really not encouraging it. She's most definitely flirting and it looks likes hes trying politely to reply without showing any interest. He needs to be a bit more blunt though and tell her to lay off the innuendo and keep conversations professional.

Arlanymor · 01/10/2025 17:48

He was flirting - inappropriate behaviour. And he said he would 'steer it away next time' - well he didn't steer it away this time and frankly is there any reason for him to be talking to her outside of work?

Arlanymor · 01/10/2025 17:49

Dartmoorcheffy · 01/10/2025 17:47

I would say in fairness to him, hes really not encouraging it. She's most definitely flirting and it looks likes hes trying politely to reply without showing any interest. He needs to be a bit more blunt though and tell her to lay off the innuendo and keep conversations professional.

I think this part is his flirting: DH - depends what would be flashed.

Come on, it is. A polite response to get out of this conversation is moving it on to a totally different topic - he didn't do that once.

AlanJohnsonsBeemer · 01/10/2025 17:49

Your DH is shutting this down or has tried to. However, agree he needs to be more firm and also he should have told you about it

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 01/10/2025 17:51

This line looks bad....

Lets just say I like being dom 🍆

But we need some context. Is her name Dominic? Is she a chef? Were they discussing aubergines in the previous conversation?

MarshmallowValentine · 01/10/2025 17:51

He’s not enjoying that interaction. It’s obvious from his replies to her unabashed flirty remarks.

EarringsandLipstick · 01/10/2025 17:51

Arlanymor · 01/10/2025 17:48

He was flirting - inappropriate behaviour. And he said he would 'steer it away next time' - well he didn't steer it away this time and frankly is there any reason for him to be talking to her outside of work?

I don't see any flirting here

He appears to be politely replying and ignoring the innuendo.

That said, the last line about 'being dom', with the emoji is odd, he should limit his conversations with her.

You dictating to your DH that he should go NC is ridiculous - and controlling.

Zanatdy · 01/10/2025 17:55

I don’t think he’s flirting either

Idontknownowwhat · 01/10/2025 17:56

He isn't enjoying that conversation. He's not adding to it, however he's trying to remain polite.
Tell him he's being polite to her, but you feel pretty miffed he's allowing the conversation to continue and it needs to stop.

Not sure going NC is the answer, but him saying "knock it off Dom!" "Mate, if my wife had any idea of this conversation, she would bury us both" "whoops. Wrong number?!" "This isn't really appropriate" ...any of the above would make it somewhat clear that he isn't into the conversation she's trying to have.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/10/2025 17:58

It’s all ‘her’ and yes I would say it’s the kind of thing my H has gone along with and tried to be polite so as not to create awkwardness - we had someone who worked for us like this and at that time we needed her in the business. As you say I would tell him to get someone else to deal with her

ContraversialDo · 01/10/2025 17:58

She is being massively inappropriate however your DH is not encouraging it or flirting back.

Chunkychips23 · 01/10/2025 17:58

You’re not being unreasonable. He was definitely trying to be polite whilst she was attempting to flirt. Yes, he could be more direct with shutting her down, but he’s not expressing any interest back.

Merryoldgoat · 01/10/2025 17:59

It feels to me like she’s trying it on and he’s trying to shut it down. He’s clearly not encouraging it.

Arlanymor · 01/10/2025 17:59

EarringsandLipstick · 01/10/2025 17:51

I don't see any flirting here

He appears to be politely replying and ignoring the innuendo.

That said, the last line about 'being dom', with the emoji is odd, he should limit his conversations with her.

You dictating to your DH that he should go NC is ridiculous - and controlling.

Show quote history

I think: depends on what is being flashed.

Is a flirtatious line. How can it not be? He's not talking about a traffic light.

Merryoldgoat · 01/10/2025 18:00

Btw this thread could be used as an exemplar when people say we’re anti-men - almost everyone has said the DH is not flirting.

AngelofIslington · 01/10/2025 18:00

I would be annoyed too op but, and I may be way off, his replies come across like he’s embarrassed.
Shes pushing this but to me it doesn’t look like your DH is encouraging this, although he’s not shutting it down either. He may be being too polite for his own good

thepariscrimefiles · 01/10/2025 18:01

I'm not surprised that you are pissed off. She is being massively inappropriate. I don't think your DH is encouraging her, but he should change the subject or shut the conversation down more forcefully.

Aquickturn81 · 01/10/2025 18:01

I see a man trying to get this colleague to stop flirting.

The colleague sounds… well, a bit gross

and your dh seems aware of that fact

however you, his wife, assume the worst so I’m guessing there’s a catalogue of crap from him that drives your view of him

itsgettingweird · 01/10/2025 18:03

I agree he’s shutting it down by repeating “probably best you don’t then”. He’s clearly trying to stop her suggestions.

I can understand why you don’t feel listened too but it’s human nature not to understand why you need to stop something if you’re part is innocent.

Greenmouldycheese · 01/10/2025 18:04

It's obvious that your husband feels uncomfortable in these messages. This lady overstepped.

BleeBlahBlue · 01/10/2025 18:04

Ffs he's flirting back, not shutting it down.

Depends on what's being flashed....totally flirting back. And if you ask him to stop speaking to a colleague outside of work time who has been flirting with him, I have no idea why he, or any normal person, would object to this

Maray1967 · 01/10/2025 18:05

AngelofIslington · 01/10/2025 18:00

I would be annoyed too op but, and I may be way off, his replies come across like he’s embarrassed.
Shes pushing this but to me it doesn’t look like your DH is encouraging this, although he’s not shutting it down either. He may be being too polite for his own good

Spot on. He needs to learn to be very clear, but I’ve got male colleagues who find it very difficult when students behave inappropriately. I’ve been asked to deal with a student by an embarrassed male colleague who somehow couldn’t bring himself to reply firmly.

Original poster
Fishfridays · 01/10/2025 18:06

BleeBlahBlue · 01/10/2025 18:04

Ffs he's flirting back, not shutting it down.

Depends on what's being flashed....totally flirting back. And if you ask him to stop speaking to a colleague outside of work time who has been flirting with him, I have no idea why he, or any normal person, would object to this

Yes, that’s the response I am particularly uncomfortable with.

OP posts:
Aquickturn81 · 01/10/2025 18:07

How did you find the messages?

PumpkinSeasonOctober · 01/10/2025 18:08

I would have replied to the messages telling her to stop being a desperate tramp.