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Original poster

To insist DH goes NC with work colleague?

154 replies

Fishfridays · 01/10/2025 17:45

I’ll start this by saying that I’ve long found it a bit odd how often DH messages a particular colleague outside of work, but I’ve had no reason to be suspicious as they do share a hobby and I’ve seen them message about this when it is on TV etc. Also, she lives in Scotland and we are down South so they never meet up.

However, I’ve seen recent messages between them and now have proof that these have become inappropriate.

I took photos of some of them using my phone so DH can’t lie about what was said.

This is one of the exchanges at the weekend.

C (Colleague) - it’s a shame I live so far away and can never come on the work nights out
DH - you aren’t missing much, they aren’t exactly wild
C - I bet you don’t think I have a wild side
DH - you probably do compared to the others 😂
C - People always think I’m innocent, but I’m in to all sorts
DH - it’s probably a good job you keep that side hidden at work then
C - Yeah, some of the tools I’ve got, you wouldn’t want me flashing them on our 10.30’s
DH - I don’t think flashing would go down well full stop somehow
C - I bet you’d enjoy it though
DH - depends what would be flashed
C - Lets just say I like being dom 🍆
DH - yeah, definitely for the best there’s no flashing then 😂
C - 😂😂

I have confronted DH about these messages and he said he felt uncomfortable but was being polite in response without leading her on as he doesn’t want to make things awkward at work.

I’ve asked him to go NC with her outside of work and he doesn’t think this is necessary but said he’d steer any conversations like that away ‘next time’.

I feel livid but he’s made me feel as if I’m being OTT. Does anyone honestly read that and think they’d be comfortable if it was their own DH?

OP posts:
BarkItOff · 01/10/2025 19:14

I don’t think he has done anything wrong here. It’s clearly her leading this and the messages make it clear he wasn’t encouraging this and was uncomfortable with it. I think he needs to make sure he lays down some boundaries with her as she clearly isn’t taking the hint that he’s not interested but you can forbid him from speaking to someone, that’s his choice and he hasn’t done anything wrong.

Is there a back story why you don’t trust him? Would you expect to stop speaking to everyone who fancied you even if you were not interested back?

Beachtastic · 01/10/2025 19:15

If she was a bloke, her job would be on the line for this level of uninvited harassment.

DIYagainstMould · 01/10/2025 19:15

What is dom and aubergine?

Pessismistic · 01/10/2025 19:15

hi op what he probably means is he will delete messages from now on. Some men and women can’t see that these relationships are inappropriate I’ve done it myself you just think hey we’re friends and it becomes more important to keep messaging them rather than talking to your spouse. It does sound like she is trying to get him engaged in her conversations if you don’t work in the other office why would you want to spend time with them on a night out especially so far away and talking about flashing. Really odd behaviour.

UKsounding · 01/10/2025 19:15

Does DH's workplace have an HR department to deal with this sort of stuff? It's sexual harassment. If he doesn't want them involved, then that is a conversation worth having.

Crazybigtoe · 01/10/2025 19:23

I don't think he is flirting.

She seems a bit dense tbh by not picking up on the signals that your DH is sending back. It makes for uncomfortable reading. She is being sleazy. Are they peers? Or is she senior to him?

Gruffporcupine · 01/10/2025 19:25

My DH would be told either send her a polite message, with your supervision, explaining honestly why he won't be talking to her anymore, or shown the door

Livpool · 01/10/2025 19:29

I don’t think DH is flirting or encouraging her - he is being polite and ignoring her flirtations

FlockofSquirrels · 01/10/2025 19:36

Wow. She was absolutely not getting the hint that he wasn't interested in that flirting.

I agree with some others - if the genders were reversed people would be more likely to recognize her behavior as potential sexual harassment. Yes, he could have been more forceful in shutting it down but also "she didn't explicitly tell him she wasn't interested and to stop/she laughed along to avoid making things more awkward/she didn't immediately report it as sexual harassment... so basically she was encouraging it and it's her fault too" are the go-to ways to shut down harassment complaints. Most people find it difficult to be more direct in shutting these things down with coworkers (or other non-strangers we would rather keep on good terms with), especially if they don't have much experience with this sort of thing.

All that said, I think he does need to be far more direct in this situation for his own sake, and it's also reasonable for you to tell him that's what you need him to do now for you to feel secure. Demanding he go NC seems overdramatic, but he needs to cut out non-work communication and the next time she attempts this he needs to actually say "I'm not comfortable with that talk, let's keep it professional".

Gingernessy · 01/10/2025 19:37

Fishfridays · 01/10/2025 17:45

I’ll start this by saying that I’ve long found it a bit odd how often DH messages a particular colleague outside of work, but I’ve had no reason to be suspicious as they do share a hobby and I’ve seen them message about this when it is on TV etc. Also, she lives in Scotland and we are down South so they never meet up.

However, I’ve seen recent messages between them and now have proof that these have become inappropriate.

I took photos of some of them using my phone so DH can’t lie about what was said.

This is one of the exchanges at the weekend.

C (Colleague) - it’s a shame I live so far away and can never come on the work nights out
DH - you aren’t missing much, they aren’t exactly wild
C - I bet you don’t think I have a wild side
DH - you probably do compared to the others 😂
C - People always think I’m innocent, but I’m in to all sorts
DH - it’s probably a good job you keep that side hidden at work then
C - Yeah, some of the tools I’ve got, you wouldn’t want me flashing them on our 10.30’s
DH - I don’t think flashing would go down well full stop somehow
C - I bet you’d enjoy it though
DH - depends what would be flashed
C - Lets just say I like being dom 🍆
DH - yeah, definitely for the best there’s no flashing then 😂
C - 😂😂

I have confronted DH about these messages and he said he felt uncomfortable but was being polite in response without leading her on as he doesn’t want to make things awkward at work.

I’ve asked him to go NC with her outside of work and he doesn’t think this is necessary but said he’d steer any conversations like that away ‘next time’.

I feel livid but he’s made me feel as if I’m being OTT. Does anyone honestly read that and think they’d be comfortable if it was their own DH?

You're being OTT.
Sounds like she's a bit un-hinged and I can imagine he's worried she could make an accusation at work about him being inappropriate- proof won't matter.
If there isn't any it'll be her word against his and some will say there's no smoke without fire.
He didn't encourage her.. He left her enough rope to let him see where the conversation was going and then closed it down with a joke so as not to put her back up.
I wouldn't go NC if he has to have virtual meetings with her through work but I would be planning how to shut down or turn her conversation quickly if she tries this again and reducing the out of work contact.

BauhausOfEliott · 01/10/2025 19:46

She’s harassing him and he’s clearly mortified.

Lots of smug people saying “He should have said this / done that / sent her a cease and desist letter : whatever” are missing the fact that when people are uncomfortable and embarrassed at inappropriate conversations, especially when the other person is a colleague, they often try to deflect it with politeness or a joke. It’s because a) they don’t want to make a fuss, b) they’re not sure if they’re misreading banter and c) it’s awkward as hell. Women react like this all the time too, trying to make a joke out of it etc. It’s easy to say “You should have done this” when you’re an outsider looking in at something that didn’t happen to you.

secureyourbook · 01/10/2025 19:52

I don’t get the sense that he’s encouraging it at all tbf. Sounds pretty one sided and like he’s trying not to offend by shutting it down too bluntly.

timeandagainagain · 01/10/2025 19:52

She is obviously testing waters, he mostly seems to trying to shut it down politely. I wouldn't be pleased but I wouldn't be too hard on him.

CharlotteLightandDark · 01/10/2025 19:55

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 01/10/2025 17:51

This line looks bad....

Lets just say I like being dom 🍆

But we need some context. Is her name Dominic? Is she a chef? Were they discussing aubergines in the previous conversation?

She’s saying she’s into pegging dudes.

He’s probably terrified haha

rainbowsinheaven · 01/10/2025 19:55

I would be absolutely livid. If he didn’t stop speaking to her I’d tell him to move out

Lougle · 01/10/2025 19:59

If I saw that from my husband, I'd be glad he was a good man. I don't see any flirting. Ok, the comment 'depends what was being flashed' was a bit silly, but he made it really clear that he thought she should keep herself to herself.

It's hard to say, really. My DH just wouldn't message another woman, even if they shared a hobby.

myblueskirt · 01/10/2025 20:03

I didn’t read into anything flirty from your DH, OP. The coworker is writing messages that are embarrassing and lame. But I also think the coworker is trying to start something. Your DH should stop messaging on each remark and maybe even stop altogether.

Bertielong3 · 01/10/2025 20:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Horses7 · 01/10/2025 20:22

Tbf he’s made a bit of an effort to bat her comments away but he really needs to make it crystal clear to her that it’s not appropriate and you’ve seen the messages and are livid.
If he’s not prepared to shut this down and/or go nc it will quickly escalate….. tbh she sounds nuts and is obviously getting a thrill from all this. Let’s hope he isn’t!

Illbefinejustbloodyfine · 01/10/2025 20:30

I wouldn't be happy with these messages @Fishfridays , and I do have a tendency to be insecure about these things, but I think if he was being inappropriate, that message exchange would look very different. She's dangling the bait and he's not biting.

Poodlelove · 01/10/2025 20:34

Your husband is trying to ignore it , he is trying to be polite.
I think next time he should just not respond to her , she isn't getting the message.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 01/10/2025 20:41

Yanbu to feel uncomfortable, but the go NC might be a knee jerk response.

Who is she in the company?

“Colleague” covers anyone really. If she is a person with direct or indirect control over his continued employment at the company, your DH is wise to tread carefully.

Men aren’t taken seriously when they report sexual harassment at work. He could end up sacked and rumours spread that HE was sexually harassing HER.

I’d want to know more about the situation. I would also work with my DH on how to navigate this situation rather than the adversarial stance you have taken. This isn’t about you, this isn’t happening to you. Your DH is being sexually harassed at work.

Milosc · 01/10/2025 20:52

If he wasn't flirting and it made him so uncomfortable than why does he want to keep messaging her outside of work? That makes no sense. I wouldn't want to keep messaging someone who made me uncomfortable and was creeping on me. Nope, he is enjoying it and flirting back. He clearly asked what she would be flashing. That is absolutely not shutting it down. Also it would probably get him in trouble at work too. Be wary OP. He is not some innocent lamb here

SoMuchBadAdvice · 01/10/2025 20:53

There is no context as to how your relationship is, history of infidelity, yada yada

Plus this is not the complete record of their exchanges.

However - with those caveats - what you have posted is of the C coming on to your DH & him politely fending her off. He shows no interest, and doesn't encourage her. In that scenario I cannot see how anything that you do will improve the situation, and that putting your foot down will make the situation worse.

My recommendation would be to cuddle up to DH, tell him how wonderful he is dealing with this dreadful woman, and to trust him totally.

Now watch MN slag me off - but do you know what - I bet that I am right!

pushthebuttonnn · 01/10/2025 20:55

I definitely don't think he's flirting back, he does seem uncomfortable. She sounds nuts!