To insist DH goes NC with work colleague?

[Fishfridays]

I’ll start this by saying that I’ve long found it a bit odd how often DH messages a particular colleague outside of work, but I’ve had no reason to be suspicious as they do share a hobby and I’ve seen them message about this when it is on TV etc. Also, she lives in Scotland and we are down South so they never meet up.

However, I’ve seen recent messages between them and now have proof that these have become inappropriate.

I took photos of some of them using my phone so DH can’t lie about what was said.

This is one of the exchanges at the weekend.

C (Colleague) - it’s a shame I live so far away and can never come on the work nights out
DH - you aren’t missing much, they aren’t exactly wild
C - I bet you don’t think I have a wild side
DH - you probably do compared to the others 😂
C - People always think I’m innocent, but I’m in to all sorts
DH - it’s probably a good job you keep that side hidden at work then
C - Yeah, some of the tools I’ve got, you wouldn’t want me flashing them on our 10.30’s
DH - I don’t think flashing would go down well full stop somehow
C - I bet you’d enjoy it though
DH - depends what would be flashed
C - Lets just say I like being dom 🍆
DH - yeah, definitely for the best there’s no flashing then 😂
C - 😂😂

I have confronted DH about these messages and he said he felt uncomfortable but was being polite in response without leading her on as he doesn’t want to make things awkward at work.

I’ve asked him to go NC with her outside of work and he doesn’t think this is necessary but said he’d steer any conversations like that away ‘next time’.

I feel livid but he’s made me feel as if I’m being OTT. Does anyone honestly read that and think they’d be comfortable if it was their own DH?

She's coming on very strong, he's sort of tepid.
I agree, he needs to stop any future contact that isn't on work devices. And make sure stuff on work devices stays professional.

What an embarrassingly desperate and unprofessional oversharer that woman is . Grim

I think your DH is gently shutting it down. I wouldn't be bothered by this.

I agree she is very much leading the conversation.

But why wouldn't he want to go NC?? To keep the peace?

No @PumpkinSeasonOctober , this is for @Fishfridays DH to shut down

now.

if anyone started flirting with me, I’d stop replying there and then.

he absolutely needs a fucking rocket put up him. This is wholly inappropriate

I do think he's trying to talk her down but the bit with him saying depends whats being flashed is a bit worrying. He shouldn't be okay with her flirting know he has a wife. As PP says he needs to be more blunt to let her know he's not interested and the flirting in her part isn't appropriate. What a cow this woman is knowing he has a wife im sure getting her flirt in honestly some people have no shame

Stupid games win stupid prizes and inappropriate messages between work colleagues is a very stupid game to play. This could all turn very sour for him.

Yeah he needs to block her immediately. Completely unacceptable

@Fishfridays The whole conversation seems really weird and off. I can't imagine a woman at work ever messaging a male colleague in a manner like this.

Are you sure this isn't just someone he's talking to online, who is potentially trying to scam him? No doubt, she will inevitably ask him to sign up for a cryptocurrency scheme, which ends up being a scam and his money gets stolen.

This sort of thing is how my ex-husband ended up having a full on rampant affair. They were at opposite ends of the country but managed to get onto the same project so they were needing to meet in person.
You're doing the right thing trying to put a hard boundary on this, but if he's already having an emotional affair it's only a matter of time.

Your husband is not encouraging it at all! I could actually sense his awkwardness by his responses.

Not encouraging is not replying. Hth.

I’m with those that say your DH was doing their best not to flirt back without shutting it down in a way that might make difficult their ongoing working relationship.

And you say there were several chats you saw that made you uncomfortable. I presume the one you chose to share was the one with most “evidence” of inappropriate conversation, in which case the others must have been even more innocuous in terms of any culpability by him.

He's semi interested until she reveals whats on offer- the dom comment - then he loses interested as he's not into that. Had she gone a different route at that point and offered a side slice he WAS interested in, they would be getting stuck into each other in no time.

EG - when he says depends what being flashed, if she had replied my tits or vag, he would have said send me a pic first and I'll judge lol

I'd be cringing for her, he's being so unencouraging. She's absolutely made a tit of herself. He hasn't flirted back in my opinion, I don't agree that 'depends on what's being flashed' is flirty in the context, he's trying to keep the convo matey and funny rather than letting her take it any further. I've walked a similar tightrope with men at work years ago when I was young and junior and didn't know how to handle it! He does need to fade her out though (can understand if he doesn't want to cut her out dead and cause awkwardness at work). I would probably be dropping my other half into the convo at every opportunity and taking longer and longer to reply to texts, if I wanted to shut it down without confrontation.

I wonder who is the more senior of the two

You can't just flip the sexes when it suits and use how a woman may behave in a situation to excuse a man on the very slim possibility he may feel the same. Women tend to learn these behaviours as a means of survival, because not only are rejected men typically more likely punish us in the ways you describe, but are also capable of hurting us. Fawning to keep the peace or get away from a man is female behaviour. The chance of the average man initiating and continuing innuendo to avoid a women harming him are slim to none. If it quacks like a duck I don't know why we need to jump through hoops to find a way to argue its a fish.

His responses suggest he doesn’t want to encourage the behaviour but don’t know how to shut it down.

I would be tempted to either reply on his behalf or tell him to tell her it’s disrespectful and he’s not interested. That way it will make the situation awkward and the NC will come naturally and justified.

I would hope that my husband would just not reply at all though?

Where is HE flirting? Can't see it from that text exchange

I don’t think it looks like he’s flirting

BUT

fact op was snooping AND has clearly immediately jumped to seeing this as proof her dh is behaving inappropriate - indicates that this marriage is clearly circling the drain whatever is going on with the colleague

… I’ve long found it a bit odd how often DH messages a particular colleague outside of work ...

@Fishfridays, I would be very uncomfortable with this inappropriate dynamic that has developed between your H and this woman during their frequent contact over time.

She attempts to intrigue him via sex-infused chat. He stays neutral until:
C - I bet you’d enjoy it though
DH - Depends what would be flashed

In that exchange he reciprocates the flirting. A line is crossed between them. She initially refers to her wildness and ‘what she gets up to’, but then she focuses on his enjoyment and he suggests that he would enjoy some of her flashing. This is unacceptable and so disrespectful to you, @Fishfridays.

These two message frequently, so he is well aware of her agenda. She is comfortable with expressing her attraction to him, and is confident that he won’t shut her down. He may be flattered by her attention and validation, hence continuing to entertain her. His lame ‘I was just being polite’ doesn’t cut it. Who is his priority?

I would have expected my H to nip this long ago, unprompted. It shouldn’t take your seeing their conversations and feeling unsettled to spur his definitive distancing. In a monogamous relationship it is valid to express your boundaries. I would expect him to cease all out-of-work contact. I wouldn’t tolerate anything less, and any balking on his part would speak volumes and warrant consequences.

Agree. He needs to close it down and remain professional. She's not going to stop and it puts him in a very vulnerable position.

Whilst I agree many women learn it as a means of survival, many men do engage similarly and don't shut it down even when it's unwanted but for different reasons.

Women do it out of discomfort and fear that the man might turn nasty.

Men do it out of discomfort and because they're worried about upsetting a woman or hurting her feelings.

It's also less common for women to initiate this type of interaction so men dont have much experience of it and dont know how to respond. So, whereas some women might be scared and just hope he gets the message, some men are unused to and embarrassed by it and don't know how to respond so hope they're being polite but disinterested enough for her to also just get the message without them having to he 'rude'.

I have a friend who started getting similar sexualised messages from a woman he knew. My partner showed me a message he received from a mutual friend of ours not long after we'd started dating. It was early stage flirting but definitely on a sexualised trajectory. Neither knew how to respond and both just kept saying, 'I know but I don't want to upset her/hurt her feelings." My friend did the whole engage politely but not encouragingly and hoped she'd get the message. She didn't. My partner started by responding politely because he didn't know what else to do but soon ignored it and hoped she'd get the message but didn't shut it down. She didn't (which was when he showed me). Neither of them felt comfortable shutting it down directly but they both should have because both situations ended unpleasantly because they didn't, tbh. And, yes, both women claimed their feelings had been hurt and the men were seen as the bad guy.

My friend was ultimately threatened by one of her male friends for upsetting her and my partner and I lost a wider friendship group because he had upset her.

Men and women both experience emotions and both respond awkwardly to unwanted advances. Their feelings and the reasons behind their responses might differ and might have different underlying reasons but no one wants to be on the end of unwanted sexual advances from another person. Particularly from someone they were, until then, friends with or someone they work with.

The only real difference is that my partner told me but it didn't really matter either way because she was making similar advances towards him publicly so everyone could see. He ignored those too. Still the bad guy. Everyone thought he should have just gone long with it so as not to hurt her feelings...

I don’t think he was encouraging it. But was still messaging back? Colleague was defo trying to make it into something else in my opinion.

If my husband tried to control me by thinking he had the right to tell me what I can and cant do I would teach him a few new words it works both ways, except on here were the double standard is all over the place