To insist DH goes NC with work colleague?

[Fishfridays]

I’ll start this by saying that I’ve long found it a bit odd how often DH messages a particular colleague outside of work, but I’ve had no reason to be suspicious as they do share a hobby and I’ve seen them message about this when it is on TV etc. Also, she lives in Scotland and we are down South so they never meet up.

However, I’ve seen recent messages between them and now have proof that these have become inappropriate.

I took photos of some of them using my phone so DH can’t lie about what was said.

This is one of the exchanges at the weekend.

C (Colleague) - it’s a shame I live so far away and can never come on the work nights out
DH - you aren’t missing much, they aren’t exactly wild
C - I bet you don’t think I have a wild side
DH - you probably do compared to the others 😂
C - People always think I’m innocent, but I’m in to all sorts
DH - it’s probably a good job you keep that side hidden at work then
C - Yeah, some of the tools I’ve got, you wouldn’t want me flashing them on our 10.30’s
DH - I don’t think flashing would go down well full stop somehow
C - I bet you’d enjoy it though
DH - depends what would be flashed
C - Lets just say I like being dom 🍆
DH - yeah, definitely for the best there’s no flashing then 😂
C - 😂😂

I have confronted DH about these messages and he said he felt uncomfortable but was being polite in response without leading her on as he doesn’t want to make things awkward at work.

I’ve asked him to go NC with her outside of work and he doesn’t think this is necessary but said he’d steer any conversations like that away ‘next time’.

I feel livid but he’s made me feel as if I’m being OTT. Does anyone honestly read that and think they’d be comfortable if it was their own DH?

This, in a nutshell!

YANBU, and she sounds like a desperate trollop. How embarrassing - throwing herself at a married man like this. I have met this kind of woman before, and they are forever single. (NOT an attack on single women before anyone starts!) But yeah, this kind of woman never gets a man to stick with her. Desperation, and acting like a tacky, promiscuous, trollop is not a good look.

@Fishfridays He does need to go NC with her outside work. He needs to say to her that he finds her way of speaking innappropriate, and that he doesn't want to talk to her anymore about anything but work. Sadly, I do wonder if he will do this, because even though he is very likely not interested in her, he's a man, and men like attention from other women. And if the wife is insecure and jealous, even better!

You need to stress how much it's upsetting you, and he needs to bloody listen. If he carries on being in contact with her outside work, then you may need to ask yourself whether you want to stay with this man. A man who has so little respect for your feelings.

I wouldn’t say he’s flirting. He’s not really saying much, he’s maybe embarrassed to say anything.

Looks like he was trying to be polite in an awkward conversation and she was being a bit of a show off.
OP doesn't get to decide who he talks to.
Being that controlling is abusive

He's not done anything wrong and she can't control him like that.
It's illegal.

All of this. The one time the man is actually not to blame 😂

She sounds repulsive and a bit mad.

i agree

I also think he’s clearly uncomfortable in the messages, but he does need to shut it down. Can’t he just stop responding? I would have sympathy with him being unsure how to handle this appropriately in a work situation but if the messaging continued now I would be very angry.

It's not coming across as flirting to me at all. From your DH I mean. Reading between the lines sounds like he wants her to shut up

He seems uncomfortable with the convo and not flirting back. He could have been firmer with her but is probably just embarrassed.

I think he was trying to shut it down here though:
DH - I don’t think flashing would go down well full stop somehow

I think that he should have shut it down a bit harder rather than ‘going along with it’ to be polite. I would not be happy if these messages were on my DH’s phone.

I think he’s been pretty decent actually and isn’t encouraging it. Quite the opposite!

she clearly fancies him. Perhaps you could alert him to that (if he’s not worked it out already) and therefore out of respect to you and your marriage he isn’t to speak to her outside of work.

what a stupid woman she is though. Hope she’s on here 😆

Does she know he is married? She comes across as……very keen but he isn’t really responding in kind? It’s all a bit cringe. If she knows he is married she isn’t doing herself any favours here.
I agree that I would ask him to keep comms inside work time and about work only.

To be honest OP even before I read your DH’s response to being confronted by you - I was the same and felt he was just being polite - he didn’t say anything controversial in is responses

He should have shut it down.

He hasn't said anything particularly bad himself but she was clearly inciting a more risqué conversation and he shouldn't have engaged.

He isn't flirting though and he isn't encouraging. But I would also expect him to come to a 'no further contact' conclusion himself.

Having read the messages, I have to agree with the many previous posters, the one being inappropriate is her. I think your husband was trying to shut it down in a polite way. He perhaps needs to do it less politely so she stops this harassment!

He’s shutting her down politely.

It did feel like he was trying not to engage but I would be upset also and expect him to not be in contact outside of work anymore, completely inappropriate convo to have with someone in a relationship. Is he willing to not text at least?

Your DH didn’t exactly encourage it but what he should’ve said was “sorry you’ve got the wrong end of the stick, I’m happily married and I’m not interested”.

It’s not a friendship if one of the parties is sexually attracted to the other.

YANBU. A line has been crossed and it’s no longer possible for them to be “friends”.

The only sentence from your husband 'depends on what's being flashed' is about the only part that I'd consider being flirty. He wasn't particularly engaging with her, up until that point. However, she is very clearly trying to entice him into an emotional affair at the least. I agree, your husband needs to take a large step back from this woman. Even if he's been blind to her intent, he now knows, because you have pointed it out, so there's no excuses. Outside of his work, there's no need to have contact with her.

I think I’ve just crawled up inside of myself. Those messages are cringeworthy, your DH should have put a stop to it.

Yeah, I don’t think that’s the problem.

If she was a man it would be sexual harassment. Is she senior to him? She sounds awful. Totally inappropriate to chat like that to a work colleague. Your H should totally cut contact and possibly raise a complaint as well.

I don’t think he said anything wrong. Him saying “depends what would be flashed” could easily be workplace banter. To me, that’s not flirting.

Your husband is definitely not encouraging her. He’s actually reacted very well I think.