To insist DH goes NC with work colleague?

[Fishfridays]

I’ll start this by saying that I’ve long found it a bit odd how often DH messages a particular colleague outside of work, but I’ve had no reason to be suspicious as they do share a hobby and I’ve seen them message about this when it is on TV etc. Also, she lives in Scotland and we are down South so they never meet up.

However, I’ve seen recent messages between them and now have proof that these have become inappropriate.

I took photos of some of them using my phone so DH can’t lie about what was said.

This is one of the exchanges at the weekend.

C (Colleague) - it’s a shame I live so far away and can never come on the work nights out
DH - you aren’t missing much, they aren’t exactly wild
C - I bet you don’t think I have a wild side
DH - you probably do compared to the others 😂
C - People always think I’m innocent, but I’m in to all sorts
DH - it’s probably a good job you keep that side hidden at work then
C - Yeah, some of the tools I’ve got, you wouldn’t want me flashing them on our 10.30’s
DH - I don’t think flashing would go down well full stop somehow
C - I bet you’d enjoy it though
DH - depends what would be flashed
C - Lets just say I like being dom 🍆
DH - yeah, definitely for the best there’s no flashing then 😂
C - 😂😂

I have confronted DH about these messages and he said he felt uncomfortable but was being polite in response without leading her on as he doesn’t want to make things awkward at work.

I’ve asked him to go NC with her outside of work and he doesn’t think this is necessary but said he’d steer any conversations like that away ‘next time’.

I feel livid but he’s made me feel as if I’m being OTT. Does anyone honestly read that and think they’d be comfortable if it was their own DH?

She sounds like a creep.

He's not encouraging it and I agree that he seems uncomfortable. I don't think it's your place to insist he goes NC though.

That woman must have no self-respect, throwing herself at a man like that - let alone a married man.

To be fair he hasnot encouraged her in any way. If i were you i advise him to stay clear as she’s a bit of a head case and could land him in trouble. Show him this post

We have a woman at work like this. She's in an open relationship and has four boyfriends. She asked the new driver if he'd like to go out for a drink when the guy had only been there a few weeks. Poor guy looked really uncomfortable, especially as she's quite senior in the business and had only met him once or twice before that.

Why are some people saying he didn't encourage her?

All he had to do was cut the messages dead by not replying, or changing the subject entirely.

He could've shut it down but didn't.

He needs to go to HR. He is being sexually harassed.

Anyway, OP, I think it's highly unlikely your husband is in a hurry to get done with a massive strap on! 😂

This would defo be the consensus if the genders were reversed.

Absolutely - guess what... he could have stopped the conversation at any time. He didn't, even when it got into darker realms. I totally get that he comes across as uncomfortable, but 'depends on what is being flashed'... come on, who is that naive? It's a flirtatious comment. And again, at no point, did he change the topic of conversation or tell her it wasn't appropriate. I think lots of people on this board are rough on men, I do, but this faux innocence is just that - faux. I would only utter the immortal line 'depends on what is being flashed' if I was interested in the answer. Come on... Also some people sit astride that line so they can say: "It was all her and I didn't really do anything..." You're right, you didn't shut her down when she was being inappropriate. Which is the least to expect from him.

i agree, he is not the one making the inappropriate remarks.

Shock, MN hates men again.

I don't think he's flirting yet, she seems desperate. The problem is that when women are that aggressive, it's often so unexpected idiot men can be flattered into temporary interest.

I would absolutely insist he goes NC with her.

@Fishfridays He IS encouraging it. His laughing emoticons do that (in particular his one near the end of the conversation - after she has posted the aubergine). It says that he thinks it's funny, and that she has made him laugh. And by saying that it's not for wider sharing he's implying that they have a 'special off-work connection'. One not to be shared with others. That is dangerous territory.

Shutting the conversation down would have been his 3rd response. Not what he wrote, but something like: "Ah well, best not discuss it with me, I'm a work colleague. OK, off to do the kids bedtime. Bye."

His comments 4, 5 and 6 are prolonging the interaction.

And in his conversation with you he is anticipating a 'next time'. Was there a 'previous time' when there was banter?

I don’t think he’s flirting, he’s just being too polite.

Ew. Not only is it inappropriate, but also really embarrassing. I cringed reading that.
She's definitely the one pushing the hardest and trying to make the conversation go somewhere, but he should have shut it down as soon as it went in that direction.
He needs to go NC outside of work.

Just did a sexual harassment course yesterday and I agree.

Her messages are far, far worse than his. She’s the ringleader, nakedly propositioning a married man.

He hasn’t done anything wrong I don’t think.

She’s a bad sort though sending that to a married colleague.

he should go nc outside of work.

at work he should keep interactions formal.

He wasn't encouraging her, but IMO he should have stopped replying after she started talking about flashing.

Yeah I feel he slipped up here. It should’ve been nah I don’t want to see any flashing period.

She's flirting but I think he's being pretty diplomatic in his way of showing he's not interested. Maybe just not answer any further tacky messages.

For what it's worth I don't think he was flirting either ( maybe the flashing comment) However I would insist he sends her a message saying she made him feel uncomfortable and to stop sending flirtatious messages. It's disrespectful to his wife etc. Otherwise their communication will have to stop.

This, this and this.

Totally agree and it wouldn’t have been hard to do that. I don’t think he’s a horrible cheating toerag but I do think he should have exercised better judgement and shut it down.

Women are sick of men flirting with us or dropping sexual innuendo from a young age and we tend to have less of an issue shutting things down.

However my theory is a lot of men aren’t used to women being so flirty with them, that even if they’re not that interested they will play along slightly as they see it as a compliment/novelty to be hit on unfortunately. (That’s not an excuse btw, they SHOULD shut it down if they’re married/not interested).

So yeah I suspect that’s what happened here.

Also the woman is super cringe and has no shame though as aside from the fact it’s a married man she’s flirting with, he clearly wasn’t keen and she kept going 😂 it’s usually men I see with that level of shamelessness lol