To insist DH goes NC with work colleague?

[Fishfridays]

I’ll start this by saying that I’ve long found it a bit odd how often DH messages a particular colleague outside of work, but I’ve had no reason to be suspicious as they do share a hobby and I’ve seen them message about this when it is on TV etc. Also, she lives in Scotland and we are down South so they never meet up.

However, I’ve seen recent messages between them and now have proof that these have become inappropriate.

I took photos of some of them using my phone so DH can’t lie about what was said.

This is one of the exchanges at the weekend.

C (Colleague) - it’s a shame I live so far away and can never come on the work nights out
DH - you aren’t missing much, they aren’t exactly wild
C - I bet you don’t think I have a wild side
DH - you probably do compared to the others 😂
C - People always think I’m innocent, but I’m in to all sorts
DH - it’s probably a good job you keep that side hidden at work then
C - Yeah, some of the tools I’ve got, you wouldn’t want me flashing them on our 10.30’s
DH - I don’t think flashing would go down well full stop somehow
C - I bet you’d enjoy it though
DH - depends what would be flashed
C - Lets just say I like being dom 🍆
DH - yeah, definitely for the best there’s no flashing then 😂
C - 😂😂

I have confronted DH about these messages and he said he felt uncomfortable but was being polite in response without leading her on as he doesn’t want to make things awkward at work.

I’ve asked him to go NC with her outside of work and he doesn’t think this is necessary but said he’d steer any conversations like that away ‘next time’.

I feel livid but he’s made me feel as if I’m being OTT. Does anyone honestly read that and think they’d be comfortable if it was their own DH?

She seems out of line he doesnt seem to have done anything wrong. He shouldn’t message her outside of work as she lacks boundaries and a sense of decency by the sounds of it. I’d never say that to colleague.!

are people on this thread high???? The conversation went:

"C - Yeah, some of the tools I’ve got, you wouldn’t want me flashing them on our 10.30’s

DH - I don’t think flashing would go down well full stop somehow

C - I bet you’d enjoy it though

DH - depends what would be flashed"

How is that not flirty by DH??? He started the innuendo about her flashing more than just her "toys".

Honestly people will excuse men anything f 🙄

That exchange is excruciating to read, your DH sounds exactly like he says - uncomfortable but trying to be polite. If I was the woman, I would be embarrassed reading that back now.

He should already have shut that shit down. Now he needs to tell her that the messages make him feel uncomfortable and that he doesn’t think they’re appropriate. If he doesn’t stop then it is a slippery slope into emotional affair

I wouldn't be happy with this at all. She is trying very hard to make the conversation sexual. Your husband should have immediately shut it down/ stopped replying. The 'depends what's being flashed line' is flirty an unacceptable. You are not being unreasonable in the slightest. Ask him how he would feel if this was you and a male colleague.

Take your DPs gender and flip it round. Its very common for women who are uncomfortable with conversations with work colleagues to give the same side step dancing answers because they are too polite, uncomfortable or concerned for their overall work atmosphere to say anything firm.

Now your DP is a man so he likely doesn't face the same criticism or potential bullying women can end up receiving from rejecting a man. BUT that's not to say women can't become problem colleagues when rejected by a man, especially a colleague being this open and boundary testing.

I wouldn't say he needs to stop contact, but I would ask that he sends her a direct message explaining the conversation made him uncomfortable, he doesn't wish to participate in conversations steering in a sexual nature and that he's happy to continue their hobby chats.

If I saw that message sent I'd feel comfortable there's nothing in it.

So he'd be happy for you to have similar conversations with men you work with? Get flirty next time you are out, not offensively so, but outside your usual. See how it goes down with him.

YANBU to want NC. Whilst your husband doesn't seem or be the one encouraging the inappropriate conversation, it's clear she's got feelings for him and I would question why she feels ok being this forward with him.
If it were me, I would say only work conversations from now on

Ha, you’d be surprised how many men like it 😂

You user name has taken on new significance

Not intentional 😂

The last thread like this where it was reversed, and the man was married, there was a huge pile on blaming the OP for not shutting it down more forcefully, even though she was junior and he was a client.

Doesn't seem like he is encouraging it at all, but definitely a red flag that this woman is very forward and someone to watch out for and steer clear of.

He is not interested. Her behavior is so cringey🤢!

Agree! I think DH is flirting here not so overtly as ‘colleague’ but equally not shutting this down either

She wants to 'PEG' him I'd say! 😳

The messages are crossing a line and it sounds like she fancies him.
You can’t tell your dh to go no contact with her though. No one has that right over another grown adult.
You can tell him how it makes you feel and that is valid. You can’t prevent a hypothetical affair from happening by banning him from talking to someone.

It’s her not him. As long as he stands his ground I think he is ok. I understand why you are not happy with it though.

She’s really pushing this to be fair, but he should have put the brakes on and said woah I’m married, this is getting uncomfortable! Or just stopped texting back.

i agree. my immediate impression was that he felt uncomfortable.

It definitely sounds like he felt uncomfortable, but he is probably secretly enjoying the attention, knowing full well that it will never go any further, so doesn't want to shut it down completely.

He is giving her the bare minimum back and I wouldn't be worried about his intentions reading those messages to be honest, but I would be worried about hers, what the fuck is she doing, she's absolutely shameless!

He's obviously flirting back. If he doesn't want to tell her directly to stop he could have at any point stopped responding instantly, or non sequitured with the least sexy thing he could think of.

"🤣 C you are daft!
I can't wait to watch celeb traitors. I bet Clare Balding is proper crafty. Who do you reckon on?"

Or

"sorry, I had to take the bins out while I remembered. Saw a bloody big rat"

But nope, he went with the flashing conversation.

I think he was trying to close her down but not be rude. Maybe he wasnt firm enough but I don't think he was flirting

Reminds me of a scene from SATC where Samantha gave the Worldwide Express guy a "tip"🤣😂

I wouldn’t say he’s flirting or encouraging her, but he’s not discouraged her either. He needs to shut her down.