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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I ungrateful because DP didn’t buy the calendar I wanted before it sold out?

657 replies

Gillinggold · 01/10/2025 17:28

I had a shit week last week and DP knew I was browsing beauty calendar’s. He asked which one I liked and I told him the name of the one I was going to buy.

He told me not to buy it and that he’d treat me to it as one of his Christmas presents to me. I was really grateful and said it sells out quick so to be aware of that.

Lo and behold, he’s gone to buy it and it’s sold out and not coming back in stock. I was annoyed, said I really had my eye on it and would have happily brought it myself as originally intended.

He says I’m being ungrateful and that it’s not his fault. Well, I told him he’d need to get a move on at the time and feel really annoyed now….

OP posts:
DeltaC · 04/10/2025 23:26

In a self-centred world, yes it isn’t, couldn’t agree with you more

Sherrijames138 · 04/10/2025 23:28

Gillinggold · 01/10/2025 17:28

I had a shit week last week and DP knew I was browsing beauty calendar’s. He asked which one I liked and I told him the name of the one I was going to buy.

He told me not to buy it and that he’d treat me to it as one of his Christmas presents to me. I was really grateful and said it sells out quick so to be aware of that.

Lo and behold, he’s gone to buy it and it’s sold out and not coming back in stock. I was annoyed, said I really had my eye on it and would have happily brought it myself as originally intended.

He says I’m being ungrateful and that it’s not his fault. Well, I told him he’d need to get a move on at the time and feel really annoyed now….

L

Cherrytree86 · 04/10/2025 23:29

DeltaC · 04/10/2025 23:19

How many times have you seen something online and clicked and it’s gone … let me tell you where I am coming from … my wife doesn’t like pasta but she will have spaghetti and nothing else … apparently this is something stemming from one of her pregnancies…I worked 52 miles away from home … one day she was really unwell … normally she did the school run stuff and cooked tea because of my long commute … on this day I phoned her from work and said I will knock of earlish , please relax I will come and prepare tea etc. we agreed easiest thing was spaghetti but there was none in the house so I would pick up on my way home … in my haste I picked up linguine instead of spaghetti and only realised when I got home , apologised, but it was too late to go to shops again. She was really angry at me … and I’m like surely you would have to have such a negative view of me to have thought I did this deliberately when I know how you hate any other pasta … ungrateful

@DeltaC

its not hard to pick out spaghetti in the supermarket…

Sherrijames138 · 04/10/2025 23:31

Sorry but I feel like you're definitely being ungrateful and materialistic because you're focused SOLELY on what you didn't get and how that made you feel.

From your husband's point of view, it probably felt like he was trying to do something thoughtful and generous by offering to buy the beauty calendar for you. That gesture came from a place of love — wanting to treat you and take something off your plate. When it sold out, it likely frustrated him too, as he planned on getting it for you as a gift, and went to the store to do so. Hearing your disappointment probably felt like criticism of his effort.

From this angle, he may see your reaction as focusing more on the missed item than on the intention behind the gift. To him, being told "I would’ve bought it myself" could sound like you're disregarding the fact that he was trying to do something nice — even if the timing didn’t work out.

So when he says you’re being ungrateful, it isn't so much about the beauty calendar itself, but how he felt dismissed after trying to do something kind for you and the fact that your reaction was based on his inability to buy you a material object that, in the grand scheme of your relationship, is far less valuable than having a partner that wants to make you happy when life is going a bit rough.

DeltaC · 04/10/2025 23:31

🤣🤣 I am one of the unfortunate men who need a product or 2 to look slightly reasonable, but if my wife forgot to buy me my special face lotion … I would not send her to a Siberian gulag

DeltaC · 04/10/2025 23:35

I agree … but I was in a hurry and just picked the wrong one by mistake… have you never made a silly mistake in your life

DeltaC · 04/10/2025 23:36

Hear hear

Cherrytree86 · 04/10/2025 23:37

DeltaC · 04/10/2025 23:35

I agree … but I was in a hurry and just picked the wrong one by mistake… have you never made a silly mistake in your life

@DeltaC

if my partner has asked me to buy a specific item then I make sure I do. It’s really not hard.

DeltaC · 04/10/2025 23:38

I use a product or two … but would not throw a hissy for it

DeltaC · 04/10/2025 23:44

So you think OP partner deliberately didn’t get her what she wanted? I can tell you in my case, I didn’t, but she assumed I did. If people are so petty, it explains a lot. If you want to be treated like a queen, then show queen behaviour…i.e. being above persnicketiness …. guy offered in good faith , guy honestly failed … move on

PinkArt · 04/10/2025 23:46

DeltaC · 04/10/2025 23:35

I agree … but I was in a hurry and just picked the wrong one by mistake… have you never made a silly mistake in your life

By not quoting you're just talking to yourself, hun.

Cherrytree86 · 04/10/2025 23:47

DeltaC · 04/10/2025 23:44

So you think OP partner deliberately didn’t get her what she wanted? I can tell you in my case, I didn’t, but she assumed I did. If people are so petty, it explains a lot. If you want to be treated like a queen, then show queen behaviour…i.e. being above persnicketiness …. guy offered in good faith , guy honestly failed … move on

@DeltaC

nope. Women are allowed to be pissed off when men fail them.

DeltaC · 04/10/2025 23:51

People have different values and we shouldn’t assume… I place more value on how I treat my wife everyday rather than on commercially driven dates … I am not really fussed what I get for Christmas… but it matters to my wife … so I go with the flow

Braygirlnow · 04/10/2025 23:51

Gillinggold · 01/10/2025 17:53

I get that, but I made it clear that despite it being September, it has form for selling out that early in previous years. He said he noted that and told me not to worry.

Yes he f'ed up but im sure he was well intentioned, it wouldn't occur to me they would sell out by 1st Oct...As you knew that was a possibility you should of said "get your phone out now as they will sell out with in a day or two". But you didn't so whats the point of acting like a spoilt brat? If that happened to me I'd realise he had good intentions but slipped up.....first world problems 🙄

DeltaC · 04/10/2025 23:52

OP should grow up

Braygirlnow · 04/10/2025 23:59

londongirl12 · 01/10/2025 18:45

Did he know urgent meant today and not in a few weeks time?

It wasn't even a few weeks, she said last week so the poor guy left it what 5 or 6 days, maybe waiting for pay day?...now his in the dog house cause princess didn't get what she wanted.

Cherrytree86 · 05/10/2025 00:02

Braygirlnow · 04/10/2025 23:59

It wasn't even a few weeks, she said last week so the poor guy left it what 5 or 6 days, maybe waiting for pay day?...now his in the dog house cause princess didn't get what she wanted.

Wow this thread is such an eye opener…just how may people out there who hate women. So much internalised misogyny and misogyny

Braygirlnow · 05/10/2025 00:14

Cherrytree86 · 05/10/2025 00:02

Wow this thread is such an eye opener…just how may people out there who hate women. So much internalised misogyny and misogyny

Hate women lol ...im a feminist but if you know what that means its about treating everyone equally, im not on his side because his a man im on his side because it seems like a genuine f up!
Thats it...not the end of the world.

tragichero · 05/10/2025 00:33

Ooh, this thread has taken a nasty turn, hasn't it?

I just came on to share a memory this reminded me of. I was seriously ill in hospital a few years ago, had been in for about a week, due in part to my condition I was struggling to eat the unappetising hospital food. I asked the ward sister if it would be ok if I had a McDonald's, as it was the only thing I really fancied, she said fine.

I asked my (now ex) partner if he would bring me one. He agreed. I only like their burgers plain, and said this to him several times.

Of course, when he arrived, it wasn't plain. He hadn't listened to me at all (or perhaps it was deliberate). I know it's a small thing but I was miserable and starving and had been so looking forward to it.

I would have forgive him immediately if he had apologised. Of course, he acted like it was in no way his fault, and that I was an ungrateful wretch for minding in any way. I didn't even have a go at him (I never did - he was a bully and I was well trained by that point), just couldn't hide my dismay when I saw the food b

Much later I found out he had even put the meal on my credit card!

I always thought he did this, and other stuff like it, deliberately because he liked to hurt me. He was a horrible piece of work.

No idea whether yours is the same, OP. Your reaction to this should be guided by his general behaviour I think. If this is out of character, let it go. If it's part and parcel with his general conduct - if he generally doesn't listen and doesn't take responsibility or say sorry when he is in the wrong, please think carefully about whether this is a man you want to be with.

There is little more repulsive than a grown adult who can't own their mistakes, large or small, and apologise for them.

Bongani · 05/10/2025 00:38

Cherrytree86 · 04/10/2025 20:37

@Bongani

lots of people aim for higher than a warm bed and a full belly…they are the basics

If you're quoting from Mazlows hierarchy of needs then yes those are the basics, but I can't place Christmas Calendars anywhere on the hierarchy.

Comtesse · 05/10/2025 00:46

Londonaries · 04/10/2025 20:21

You are being unreasonable.
If this happened to me I’d just be like ‘oh well, it’s not for me’ then move on with my life in a split second. Yes even if it was the most amazing thing that I always wanted.
Tbh for you to be annoyed about not having something, you don’t deserve to have it.

You sound like Uriah Heep. How disingenuous (“oh no that thing I always wanted, tis not for the likes of meeeee” - yeah right).

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 05/10/2025 01:56

Sarge1892 · 04/10/2025 21:10

great idea

its probably out of stock because of scalpers

so best thing to do is solve the issue by giving scalpers more money

without more details i cant say because the way im seeing this is would you have been so hard on yourself if you had of gotten there and it was sold out?

did the husband delay unnecisarilly?
was it even his fault?

it sounds like there was every chance had you of gotten it yourself you could have been too late as well

It is what it is. I don't like it anymore than you do, but this is how it is. People bulk buy and sell on.

AdultHumanFemaleOne · 05/10/2025 02:23

zeebra · 01/10/2025 17:33

I seem to be the only one but give him a break- it is the 1st October! It is still a long way from Christmas so I can understand his lack of urgency.

Why is it that we women are expected to covent men a break when they( often) repeatedly full to sit what they say they will. Women are not held to that standard. We're damn well expected you get with the programme. He knew it sold out fast. He told her not to buy it, he would. And he didn't. What does that says about his priorities?

Dunce99 · 05/10/2025 02:31

NutButterOnToast · 01/10/2025 17:29

Yeah I'd be annoyed too

Were you going to buy it the day you mentioned it? How long did he wait to go get it?

Doubleraspberry · 05/10/2025 04:59

Bongani · 05/10/2025 00:38

If you're quoting from Mazlows hierarchy of needs then yes those are the basics, but I can't place Christmas Calendars anywhere on the hierarchy.

I don’t think that comment was drawn directly from Maslow - but of course you could place buying yourself something you specifically want as a treat, or having it bought for you, within the bands. You just need to apply some insight into what actually happened here and why the OP feels as she does. Something many posters on this thread appear unable to do.

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