To except DS21 to share a room with his sister? *edited by MNHQ*

[DasDrummer]

I'm a mum to 4 DC, DS21, DD15, and DS15, DD5

My eldest was born a girl but ill use DS for this thread as it's his argument for why he can't share a room. He is on testosterone and to a lot of people he “passes” as a man.

He barely finished school, he didn't take his GCSEs as it was in 2020, he briefly started a catering course at college but he dropped out after a few months. In 2019 I split with their dad and he started sharing a room with DD and has done since. I had to downsize and there was nothing I could do. They have the biggest room and DS15 has the box room. It isn't possible for me to sleep on the sofa and give one of them my room. DD5 is in with me (in her own bed though)

Anyway, he got a job at 17 (he turned 18 later that year) it was at the supermarket. He ended up buying tickets to see an artist he liked as they were going on tour and the manager said no he couldn't have it off, he ended up quitting. He got his trust fund at 18 and wasted it to go travelling around Europe to different shows for said artist. He basically said he could do what he wanted

He was gone for most of 2023, he came back and didn't get a job, he stayed in bed all day on his phone. He also met a girl that lived in Germany and spent Christmas 2023 with her (this was with him getting UC and buying cheap flights), he finally got a job early last year, the gf came here to visit him and DD had to share a bed with me for the week. I don't know why I allowed him to dictate but I regret it.

Anyway, they split up and he started saying he was depressed and he’d stay in bed all day etc. He ended up quitting the job in Feb/March and again he’d just stay in bed constantly. He did end up going to the GP and was given antidepressants and he's had 1 session of therapy.

He got a boyfriend in the summer and he was out with him a lot, he'd come over but honestly it was too much too soon. I never let him stay over apart from agreeing to when me and my younger DC were away (they broke up before this happened though). When they broke up the behaviour was the same, in bed most the time. He only eats one meal a day because I don't cook for him, he usually ends up ordering though.

He does go out drinking a few times a week, he gets UC and that mostly goes on nights out (and quickly), he sometimes disturbs us getting in drunk, but other times he stays out. The artist had announced another tour and he's been complaining he has no money to see him more than once which is his own fault tbh.

Anyway, to the point: he is saying he shouldn't have to share with DD15, he's an adult and if he should share with anyone it would be DS as he's not a woman and feels uncomfortable sharing with DD, this led to an argument over me not accepting him, he called me transphobic and I basically told him if he doesn't Iike it he should move out. He stormed out and hasn't replied to my messages, this was last night.

To add: they did used to share bunk beds but now they have their own single bed and the room is slightly partitioned with shelves but he still complains about her and sharing.

AIBU?

He sounds confused and depressed. I am glad he is having help for his mental health. I would go the other way and not want him to move out as depression is a worry keep an eye on him. But so sorry I have no answers.

Oh my, this isn’t acceptable at all.
Transitioning ok if that’s what they want
Travelling ok so long as they can save up , fund it themselves and get time off on holiday from work
But the lazing about , quitting jobs , not contributing in any way at all to your household , disturbing his siblings late at night by coming in after drinking is really unfair on them and you.
They need to move out , you’re already overcrowded in my opinion and they need to look at a house share

Yanbu. Whilst your ds sounds like he's going through a tough time growing up, it doesn't excuse all this drama and selfishness.

Sadly you have to think about yourself and your other dc.

It's very hard though. You don't want to lose them altogether but it does sound like they need a bit of a rude awakening by a spell living outside the home!

My dd was a nightmare when she lived at home, but now she's been away, I think she appreciates us a bit more.

OH gosh OP this is tough but the reality is that he is female so in principle there is nothing wrong with them sharing the bedroom with DD15.

But it’s definitely time to get tough on this, if they are old enough to take the decision to travel, be on T etc then they are old enough to get a job or at least live by your rules. You are letting the entitlement get a bit out of control here.

I feel for your DD15 it’s a big year for her, she needs peace and quiet to study and focus.

Jesus christ, jumping straight to the worst possible scenario aren't we?

it sounds horribly unfair to your 15 year old DD to make her share with this disruptive & selfish individual. Also terrible to put you through this stress.
For the younger children’s sake, your eldest needs to move out. You just do not have enough room to accommodate this level of selfishness & entitlement.

Impossibly difficult.

On the one hand: your house, your rules; he’s disruptive; he must be a total time sink that means you can’t devote enough attention to your other children.

On the other hand: at least if he’s in your house, you know what he’s up to, even if it’s nothing. Out on his own, anything could happen. Probably none of which is good.

It's a young woman. 'He' is inappropriate. It's not the issue of where she sleeps it's that she is mentally unwell and needs support.

Stop misgendering him. OP used “he” and “his” repeatedly in the original post. How dare you tell her how to refer to her own child? That’s disgusting and offensive behaviour.

Not disgusting, just accurate. And liberating too.

Enough with the gender identity nonsense already. It’s a risible, meaningless pit of misery.

This young person is a woman. It is wrong to misgender her as being male - she is not. And this thread is missing the elephant in the room. The young woman is so disturbed she thinks she is in the wrong body - and no-one is helping her.
That's the cause of her fractured relationships, her dropping out and losing jobs. She is mentally ill.
Doubtless the OP, a loving parent, has been told to affirm her DD's gender identity - but read the Cass Report, this is not a neutral decision and it is damaging.

Please, OP, go and find out about the real effects of affirming your DD as a boy and how you can help her accept her body and her sex.

Totally agree such a sensible reply. She needs desperate help

Very well said. So many parents think they are being kind by going along with their children's gender fantasies but the long term effects are often devastating. Look up "detranisitoners stories" or similar, OP.