To except DS21 to share a room with his sister? *edited by MNHQ*

[DasDrummer]

I'm a mum to 4 DC, DS21, DD15, and DS15, DD5

My eldest was born a girl but ill use DS for this thread as it's his argument for why he can't share a room. He is on testosterone and to a lot of people he “passes” as a man.

He barely finished school, he didn't take his GCSEs as it was in 2020, he briefly started a catering course at college but he dropped out after a few months. In 2019 I split with their dad and he started sharing a room with DD and has done since. I had to downsize and there was nothing I could do. They have the biggest room and DS15 has the box room. It isn't possible for me to sleep on the sofa and give one of them my room. DD5 is in with me (in her own bed though)

Anyway, he got a job at 17 (he turned 18 later that year) it was at the supermarket. He ended up buying tickets to see an artist he liked as they were going on tour and the manager said no he couldn't have it off, he ended up quitting. He got his trust fund at 18 and wasted it to go travelling around Europe to different shows for said artist. He basically said he could do what he wanted

He was gone for most of 2023, he came back and didn't get a job, he stayed in bed all day on his phone. He also met a girl that lived in Germany and spent Christmas 2023 with her (this was with him getting UC and buying cheap flights), he finally got a job early last year, the gf came here to visit him and DD had to share a bed with me for the week. I don't know why I allowed him to dictate but I regret it.

Anyway, they split up and he started saying he was depressed and he’d stay in bed all day etc. He ended up quitting the job in Feb/March and again he’d just stay in bed constantly. He did end up going to the GP and was given antidepressants and he's had 1 session of therapy.

He got a boyfriend in the summer and he was out with him a lot, he'd come over but honestly it was too much too soon. I never let him stay over apart from agreeing to when me and my younger DC were away (they broke up before this happened though). When they broke up the behaviour was the same, in bed most the time. He only eats one meal a day because I don't cook for him, he usually ends up ordering though.

He does go out drinking a few times a week, he gets UC and that mostly goes on nights out (and quickly), he sometimes disturbs us getting in drunk, but other times he stays out. The artist had announced another tour and he's been complaining he has no money to see him more than once which is his own fault tbh.

Anyway, to the point: he is saying he shouldn't have to share with DD15, he's an adult and if he should share with anyone it would be DS as he's not a woman and feels uncomfortable sharing with DD, this led to an argument over me not accepting him, he called me transphobic and I basically told him if he doesn't Iike it he should move out. He stormed out and hasn't replied to my messages, this was last night.

To add: they did used to share bunk beds but now they have their own single bed and the room is slightly partitioned with shelves but he still complains about her and sharing.

AIBU?

I wouldn’t pander to an adult moaning about living conditions when they can’t be arsed to get a job, no.

I can't sleep on the sofa because I have health issues and I share a room with my youngest, where would she sleep?? I've already said in my OP.

He said he quit the job earlier this year because it was making his mental health even worse than it already was but he hasn't been looking for another job, this was Feb/March.

He does disturb DD (and the rest of us) when he comes home drunk, he wakes the dog and she starts barking and then wakes us. I don't know when he's staying out or not, he doesn't tell me. I've asked him not to come home when he's drunk (or even late) but he shrugs and does it anyway. He doesn't have many close friends nearby but his best friend is the same - she doesn't have a job, he doesn't have any money at the minute so he hasn't gone out this week but that's where most the money goes. He does spend time with DD5, and take her out occasionally to the park etc but that's it, he doesn't spend time with the rest of us as a family. He complained last week about getting up early to take her to school (first time this happened since she started school last year but I had an appointment).

And to the poster saying why have so many children if I can't house them, I had to downsize, I was already heavily pregnant with my youngest. Before this the older 3 had their own room but I was in an abusive relationship and DS blames me and this for his issues so having their own rooms wouldn't make anyone happy??

OPs child yes, even if they are a young adult this 'child' has been and adult in the eyes of the law for 3 years.
So OP would be making her adult child homeless, not a child homeless.

I agree the 21 year old will be causing mental health issues for the other 4 people that live in the house.

Yes, he’s an adult.

so if he wants his own room he can have it by moving out, if he’s staying with you he goes where he is put.

Really a troubled 20 year old with mental health challenges who stays in bed all day and often comes home drunk does need their own room, primarily because neither of the 15 year old boy/ girl twins should be sharing with this sibling. That family constellation just doesn't work in a 3 bedroom house unless you can repurpose downstairs space as a bedroom. How do the 15 year olds feel? Can DD 15 study for her GCSEs if her sibling is in bed all day?

In a couple of years having your now 5 year old in with you will become increasingly difficult.

He does disturb DD (and the rest of us) when he comes home drunk, he wakes the dog and she starts barking and then wakes us. I don't know when he's staying out or not, he doesn't tell me. I've asked him not to come home when he's drunk (or even late) but he shrugs and does it anyway.

It must be difficult trying to parent this child but if you don’t make a stand they will carry on making your and your other dc’s life a misery. You need to lay down some rules, he needs to know you mean business and he’s on his last chance.

I’d give him a month to find a job, if he doesn’t he will have to find somewhere else to live.
Also tell him if he comes home drink again he will be out.
As far as the bedrooms are concerned ask the other children what they want.

What is your downstairs space like?
I assume no room you could turn into a bedroom downstairs?
It's incredibly hard as clearly your eldest DC has complex needs and has trauma/ behaviour issues.
I hope the counselling and medication helps.
It's sounds like they need a lot of support /therapy and you and the other DC would benefit from it too, it sounds extremely hard and you've been through a lot.
In the meantime there are 4 options
Share with DD 15
Share with DS 15
Sleep downstairs on sofa bed if you don't have a room you can repurpose downstairs
Or move out.
What do DS15 and DD15 feel?
Would DS15 share with them? Perhaps swap rooms and use one with shelving divide? That may be the best option as DS20 is transitioning but clearly there isn't room for them to have a room to themselves.
I'm sure neither of them are keen on sharing either and no doubt you'd like your own room too but life is full of compromises and you have to pull together as a team/family and do the best you can with the resources you have.
Escaping an abusive marriage and starting again and raising 4DC takes courage and resilience 💐

You could split the 2 biggest rooms so that every child can have a bedroom and then you have the smaller bedroom? it’s not very expensive to split rooms, realistically at 21 with no job they aren’t going to be able to afford to move out…

Downstairs is quite small, just a small kitchen and a living room, the living room has DD5’s toys in there too.

DD15 can study in my room if she needs to and she knows this but last year during her mocks she was fine in their room, and she has a lot of time when DS isn't there if he's out drinking/with a boy and the tour he's talking about is next year before DD’s GCSEs so he won't be here for at least one night (if he goes to one nearby) but he won't be able to travel and go to a lot of shows like last time. He's coming across as spoiled re complaining as he went to about 12 last time, he's going to see another artist this month. I told him he'll have to get a job and he said it's pointless because it's too late.

I've not asked DS15 about sharing but he's happy in his room and I'm not sure that'd solve the issue re DD being noisy as DS15 plays on the PlayStation and talks to his friends so I'm sure DS would be complaining about that. He just doesn't want to share because he's transitioned, in all fairness he does “pass” and he is “stealth” to a lot of people (they think he's a man but don't know he's trans) but I just don't know if it's unreasonable to expect him to share with DD

The house is rented, in their room its already split by shelves.

It's not fair on either dd or ds to have to share a room with him tbh. Selfish and self involved, plays the transphobic card to try and make people fall in line. Time to move out.

No you are not unreasonable OP
You are doing the best in your situation.
You need to have the conversation that while it may be to late to get a job and go to all of the gigs. It isn't to late to get a job and save to move out.
You need to explain that you cannot provide them with the space they feel they need, and therefore a job will help they to save and get their own place and achieve this.
I can't see anyway forward if you can't split the rooms or use a space downstairs.

At 20 and not in education, he can find a way to move out if he doesn’t like the arrangements at home. He doesn’t get to dictate.

I can’t imagine your DD15 is happy sharing a room with him and it doesn’t seem appropriate. I’d probably have her and DS15 swap. So either way, the oldest is still going to be sharing with someone.

Well he can fuck off and live with his dad then if he’s blaming you for the split

or fuck off anyway and rent somewhere else

How does your 15 year old feel about it?

Yes then the tax payer can pay his rent too as well through UC as well as funding his nights out. Honestly at what point do these gets kids their benefits cut and do they ever actually have to do any job searching in return for these benefits?

At his age. Write a letter to the council and kick him out. He can go into a hostel and then a bedsit. Might make him get off his arse and actually do something or he can continue to rot without ruining your other children’s day to day lives.

I’m sorry I got confused & couldn’t follow all the ins and outs 🥴

With all due respect, this is ridiculous. Why should the OP live on her sofa to give her adult son, who can't be bothered to study or get a job, a room of his own? And, while we're at it, we taxpayers appear to be paying for his nights out! Travel is great if you pay your way through it, not if you are blowing up your trust fund to do it, and then living off your mum!

You need to be having harsh words with your DS. He needs a reality check. You can't keep pandering to his laziness and lack of contribution. Also to take charge of dealing with his MH.

How do UC just let him claim money and not job search?

This is a joke, right?

I don't think an adult man should be sharing with his sister.
Can you not move 15 year old ds into the bigger room with his brother and dd can have the boxroom on her own?
His behaviour is a different matter. If he stays with you he should be contributing to household expenses. If he can't live on UC he should get a job.
The travelling sounds amazing and I really wouldn't have a problem with it as long as he funded it himself.

He seems like a total nightmare. I think a lot of trans youngsters have mh problems which explains why they want to become someone else. I mean he wants to be a man, dated a girl, then dated a boy- does that mean he went back to being a woman or he decided he was a man but homosexual? Sounds really fucked up and it's a good thing he's in therapy. A shame that he gets UC otherwise he might be motivated to get a job... still tell him that he's sharing with his sister until he finds somewhere else to live...

Why haven't you asked the other DC what they want? They may find the solution between themselves. Are the 15yos twins? They may want to share with each other. It sounds like the eldest would be best in their own room when their routine is different to the others and they are having partners in their bedroom. It sound like the only long term solution though is him moving out. The 15yos will soon be adults and they may want their own space then to bring partners round.

@arcticpandasDS came out as trans when he was 12, this was 2016 when it wasn't as much as a “thing” with teenagers (and we very rarely heard about trans people on the news etc). I did allow him to cut his hair short and wear boys clothes but I said he wasn't allowed a binder or a referral to the gender clinic, as a compromise I did allow him the pill (not at 12, a few years later!) but he kept saying it over the years and it's been nearly a decade so I don't think it is a “phase” or anything, I wasn't happy when he started testosterone but I knew it was coming. He identifies as bisexual so he didn't go back to being a woman when he had a bf, no.

I think he's told UC about his mental health and how his last job ruined his mental health and I don't think he is lying about that, he did seem unhappy there and he actually quit over text. They upped his antidepressants but I don't know what difference they're making, I don't know if he's going to stick with therapy either but so far he's only had one session