To except DS21 to share a room with his sister? *edited by MNHQ*

[DasDrummer]

I'm a mum to 4 DC, DS21, DD15, and DS15, DD5

My eldest was born a girl but ill use DS for this thread as it's his argument for why he can't share a room. He is on testosterone and to a lot of people he “passes” as a man.

He barely finished school, he didn't take his GCSEs as it was in 2020, he briefly started a catering course at college but he dropped out after a few months. In 2019 I split with their dad and he started sharing a room with DD and has done since. I had to downsize and there was nothing I could do. They have the biggest room and DS15 has the box room. It isn't possible for me to sleep on the sofa and give one of them my room. DD5 is in with me (in her own bed though)

Anyway, he got a job at 17 (he turned 18 later that year) it was at the supermarket. He ended up buying tickets to see an artist he liked as they were going on tour and the manager said no he couldn't have it off, he ended up quitting. He got his trust fund at 18 and wasted it to go travelling around Europe to different shows for said artist. He basically said he could do what he wanted

He was gone for most of 2023, he came back and didn't get a job, he stayed in bed all day on his phone. He also met a girl that lived in Germany and spent Christmas 2023 with her (this was with him getting UC and buying cheap flights), he finally got a job early last year, the gf came here to visit him and DD had to share a bed with me for the week. I don't know why I allowed him to dictate but I regret it.

Anyway, they split up and he started saying he was depressed and he’d stay in bed all day etc. He ended up quitting the job in Feb/March and again he’d just stay in bed constantly. He did end up going to the GP and was given antidepressants and he's had 1 session of therapy.

He got a boyfriend in the summer and he was out with him a lot, he'd come over but honestly it was too much too soon. I never let him stay over apart from agreeing to when me and my younger DC were away (they broke up before this happened though). When they broke up the behaviour was the same, in bed most the time. He only eats one meal a day because I don't cook for him, he usually ends up ordering though.

He does go out drinking a few times a week, he gets UC and that mostly goes on nights out (and quickly), he sometimes disturbs us getting in drunk, but other times he stays out. The artist had announced another tour and he's been complaining he has no money to see him more than once which is his own fault tbh.

Anyway, to the point: he is saying he shouldn't have to share with DD15, he's an adult and if he should share with anyone it would be DS as he's not a woman and feels uncomfortable sharing with DD, this led to an argument over me not accepting him, he called me transphobic and I basically told him if he doesn't Iike it he should move out. He stormed out and hasn't replied to my messages, this was last night.

To add: they did used to share bunk beds but now they have their own single bed and the room is slightly partitioned with shelves but he still complains about her and sharing.

AIBU?

Exactly how is it possible, in practical terms, for all OP's children to be "comfortable in their own home"?

And the five-year-old?

Sometimes the most caring thing you can do for your [adult] child is draw a line in the sand and enforce the consequences.

Lots of YP have MH issues - drug or alcohol addiction, DPD/EUPD, and so on. It doesn’t mean you continue to pander to their wants at the expense of all other family members’ needs.

The best thing we did for our DD was to issue an ultimatum - get a job/pay rent, move out, or get her act together to get a L3 qualification and go to uni. We made it clear that another year of lounging in bed, only leaving the house to meet/drink with friends, and not contributing to family life was not allowed and that we would escort her to citizens advice to start the process of applying for housing and benefits ourselves if necessary. As a result she started engaging with therapy properly, taking her meds (and talking to GP about side effects so it could be tweaked), and started uni 10 days ago. It has been a shock to her system, but the alternative was putting up with her holding the whole family hostage to her MH issues because we were all afraid to do/say anything because she was ‘unwell’.

You can’t fix a person’s MH issues for them. They have to want to work on it themselves. Sometimes that means you have to step back to make them step forward.

We get loads of threads where it is the obvious solution- like when it’s a child under 18 who has unaccountably been put in the living room - usually a step child of the OP.

So I guess it’s a knee jerk response!

In this thread, I don’t think it matters if the child is a DD or DS or our views on “gender” because they shouldn’t be in with any of their siblings.

Yes, I agree! Housing is a problem for many people. Sometimes a parent in the living room might work, I think in this case, it wouldn't.

I agree!

The OP uses the term he and, as I understand it he is taking hormones and is transitioning from female to male.

21 Female wants to share with 15 male? That is certainly not right (I hope i've read that right)

21 year old should be contributing towards the house and either studying or working or both. I would be asking them to find their own place and not dictating who shares with who regardless of gender

Your eldest daughter is a troubled soul, for sure. But you have your younger children to consider, and yourself. Time for some tough love with the eldest, she doesn’t get to hold the whole family hostage because of her issues. Help her move out. Maybe she can ask a trans support organisation for advice on housing.

Wow. The mind boggles at this comment.

OP fled an abusive marriage and husband cant know where they live. So, actually OP must have had to work pretty hard to get an alternative home for her and keep the family together and its likely money is tight on a single income.

It’s unreasonable to expect your daughter to share with a sibling that is terrorising the house and taking drugs that increase aggression.

Did you read the bit about the abuse from the ex and having to downsize?

You do know circumstances can change…

I suspect you thought you were being clever with this comment, but you really weren’t

It seems that the only positive outcome would be for him to move out. Can he get help from the council due to his mental health issues and the overcrowding problem?

You can’t fix a person’s MH issues for them. They have to want to work on it themselves. Sometimes that means you have to step back to make them step forward.

@CautiousLurker01 You’re absolutely right, parents can be supportive towards young adult children, but we can’t fix all their problems, they have to take the initiative themselves.

It’s exactly the same for all adults tbh, no one else can fix our problems (our partners or spouses, for example), we have to work on them ourselves.

Offer him the roof. If he doesn’t want it his choice. Sounds like he is chronically depressed. Good luck getting any help with that :(

I feel sorry for his sister.

Tbh i think you already make it too comfy for him at home. He needs a job and make a contribution

The issue is there aren't as many bedrooms as you'd all want. Ways of fixing this include:

*Him moving out
*You all moving probably north a bit to where housing is cheaper.

• Him becoming a joint tenant with you + paying a significant chunk of the rent.

The world is really hostile to trans people at the moment. Even when the world was a bit better it was entirely usual for trans people to have higher levels of poor mental health. Ways you might be able to support him:

• Galop / other domestic abuse resources for 'children' who experienced a parent being abused.
• You can agree it isn't fair he's sharing with his sister, because it's not, but it's also the least worst alternatives for the time being.
• Help fund his therapy if it's private
• Household rules about noise etc - I am not an early morning fan but I can't see a way around his sister getting up at the relevant time to go to school whether or not it wakes him. He could wear a blindfold style sleep mask. He could get up with her, have breakfast and go back to bed. Or get up and get some daylight. Or be even more nocturnal and not go to bed at all until everything else has left the house for the day. He could try CBT style experiments - how does he feel if he sleeps from midnight - 8am each day for a week?

This - he can get a job and get out, it will make life easier for your other kids.
Staying in bed all day can't be good for his mental health.

Your eldest child should move out. They sound insufferable.

Let him have the box room and let your 2 DD share the biggest room.

This young person is being enabled to believe in magical thinking - that people can change sex(they can't) and that people can stay in bed all day, not work or study, not address their mental health problems and still have somewhere of their choice to live - ie that there are no consequences to their actions. It's not doing them any favours at all to indulge this stuff, they need firm and loving limits. They are 21, an adult. They need to face the consequences of their choices, move out. For their sake as much as the rest of the family.

Can manage to get up and out when he has his UC. Don't give him the money back when he's skint, it's not his money. Doesn't like it, he leaves. It's difficult, I've been in a similar situation myself. I ended up not knowing who's house it was. Oh and I also get the blame for her messed up life. He may not speak for a few weeks but it's best for him to live elsewhere.

This is ridiculous. You have enabled this. Set some boundaries and stick with them. He sounds like he’s crying out for some boundaries.

Why can't dd have the small room to herself?
This is totally fucked up @DasDrummer