To except DS21 to share a room with his sister? *edited by MNHQ*

[DasDrummer]

I'm a mum to 4 DC, DS21, DD15, and DS15, DD5

My eldest was born a girl but ill use DS for this thread as it's his argument for why he can't share a room. He is on testosterone and to a lot of people he “passes” as a man.

He barely finished school, he didn't take his GCSEs as it was in 2020, he briefly started a catering course at college but he dropped out after a few months. In 2019 I split with their dad and he started sharing a room with DD and has done since. I had to downsize and there was nothing I could do. They have the biggest room and DS15 has the box room. It isn't possible for me to sleep on the sofa and give one of them my room. DD5 is in with me (in her own bed though)

Anyway, he got a job at 17 (he turned 18 later that year) it was at the supermarket. He ended up buying tickets to see an artist he liked as they were going on tour and the manager said no he couldn't have it off, he ended up quitting. He got his trust fund at 18 and wasted it to go travelling around Europe to different shows for said artist. He basically said he could do what he wanted

He was gone for most of 2023, he came back and didn't get a job, he stayed in bed all day on his phone. He also met a girl that lived in Germany and spent Christmas 2023 with her (this was with him getting UC and buying cheap flights), he finally got a job early last year, the gf came here to visit him and DD had to share a bed with me for the week. I don't know why I allowed him to dictate but I regret it.

Anyway, they split up and he started saying he was depressed and he’d stay in bed all day etc. He ended up quitting the job in Feb/March and again he’d just stay in bed constantly. He did end up going to the GP and was given antidepressants and he's had 1 session of therapy.

He got a boyfriend in the summer and he was out with him a lot, he'd come over but honestly it was too much too soon. I never let him stay over apart from agreeing to when me and my younger DC were away (they broke up before this happened though). When they broke up the behaviour was the same, in bed most the time. He only eats one meal a day because I don't cook for him, he usually ends up ordering though.

He does go out drinking a few times a week, he gets UC and that mostly goes on nights out (and quickly), he sometimes disturbs us getting in drunk, but other times he stays out. The artist had announced another tour and he's been complaining he has no money to see him more than once which is his own fault tbh.

Anyway, to the point: he is saying he shouldn't have to share with DD15, he's an adult and if he should share with anyone it would be DS as he's not a woman and feels uncomfortable sharing with DD, this led to an argument over me not accepting him, he called me transphobic and I basically told him if he doesn't Iike it he should move out. He stormed out and hasn't replied to my messages, this was last night.

To add: they did used to share bunk beds but now they have their own single bed and the room is slightly partitioned with shelves but he still complains about her and sharing.

AIBU?

FFS they are not an adult man!

He needs to adult now. The most I'd let him have is the couch temporarily . He's not going to grow up and get a proper job and be independent if he has a cushy life with his Mummy.
Your younger children deserve space in their home over their adult brother.

Poor lad has had a time of it which you really don't acknowledge at all. You should be supporting him not being so awful about him. No wonder he's unhappy, my heart goes out to him.

Because divorce is a thing. Separation is a thing. Not being able to buy / rent a house with enough bedrooms after a split is common.

OP

Your 21 year old is an adult. If they hate sharing so much they can get a sleeping bag and sleep on the living room floor or find a house share.

Did you not see that her 5 year old shares with her?

The fact at 17 they are acting like they are 14 and no where near ready to be independent - autistic.

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice You misread the OP, her eldest is 21.

Personally, I agree that the living room would be the best option for them as they won’t disturb anyone else when they come in late, Yes, they may be woken up when everyone gets ready for school but tbh, sleeping in late isn’t doing them any good, they need some routine.

Ultimately, they need to decide what they’re going to do career-wise. Perhaps getting some further training/qualifications might be a good idea. Time passes quickly and they don’t want to be stuck in an overcrowded house in five years, they need to make some plans.

I think you need to tell him that as you don’t have another home to go to, he should exercise his option to find one for himself. You are contributing to his depression by allowing this lifestyle and contemplating this level of control by him.

If that was my adult child then i’d be telling him that when he has a job and can pay the costs that adults need to pay, then he will have a say where he lives. He is fortunate in this country, we have benefits that would support him paying for a room in a house, despite the fact he’s not working. I’d explain to him that the options are you stay home and share, or you look into leaving.

I’ve always made it clear to my adult children that they are either in education (and my ex and I will support that cost) or they are working. My son is 21 and has graduated and has started full time work and moved in with his girlfriend. If he was still at home he wouldn’t be sitting around doing nothing, sleeping all day. You should have made it clear a few years ago that it wasn’t an option. His lifestyle is impacting on the rest of the family. Meanwhile he is out partying and then sleeping all day. I’d be saying get a job, or move out. He is taking the piss and you’re allowing it.

Benefits shouldn’t be a lifestyle choice for the lazy, but a safety net for short periods. It would do him good living in a shared house, learning to pay bills etc. You’re doing him no favours allowing him to bum around, and also letting the whole household suffer for one person. Why?

All of this.

This person is being allowed not to grow up and it’s not fair on the others.

It’s mind boggling that they qualify for UC when they are simply choosing not to work. We’re always being told that it’s not that easy to qualify for benefits and that you have to be actively seeking work but that doesn’t sound like the case here.

I don't think OP is being unreasonable, and I don't think telling her to sleep on the sofa is useful. It won't free up a room anyway since she's sharing it with youngest.

I think the trans issue is a bit of a red herring here or at least not the problem the way some think. The DS is using this as a reason he needs his own room. If you used that to argue that he should then share with his other sibling (we'll leave aside whether he should, the point is the logic) then he'll find another reason, because he doesn't want to share. What he wants, I think, is for the next 2 children to share so he gets to be on his own, and that definitely doesn't work. If it were just "Well I can't share with my sister," then he should be sharing with his brother, no? Instead he's using it as being trans makes him somehow... special? And in need of his own room. (yes, this would require putting DD15 in the box room instead)

Yes, it would be cruel to just chuck him out, but it is not cruel or abandoning your child, MH issues or no, to say that this is what you have to offer, and moreover to insist that he respect the other people in the household. He has a choice: he can accept what is on offer, or he can move out. He can't insist that you invent a room or that you all inconvenience yourselves for what he wants. There's a line between being supportive of a struggling child and being a doormat.

FFS they are not an adult man!

My parents were married with children at 21 - had jobs and ran households, like many in their early 20’s

If he can make decisions on his lifestyle he can move out.

Id offer him the living room!!

Assuming you all work/go to school - then he has the house to himself all day for privacy - what more does he want?

Id give him notice to move out - take him to the council and else what his options are.

And those saying you aren’t supportive, I think you’ve put up with this long enough!

I wouldn't 'like' an adult child of mine if they behaved like this. I would still love them but I absolutely would not like them.
Of course travelling is a great experience, pissing all of your money up the wall to do so is less great.
As for the OP sleeping in the living room (were is the 5 year old supposed to sleep?) so a lazy, rude , artificially testosterone filled adult can have a room to themselves, just no.

I agree. He can't share with anyone. Too complicated under the circumstances. He shouldn't share with a girl if he thinks he's a man and your son shouldn't share with a female.

what is council housing like in your area @DasDrummer? Could he try and get on the list ?
I’m not sure you’d qualify for overcrowding as he’s an adult.

Funny, I read it as yet another mother being bullied and exploited by another adult, and putting up with it because she gave birth to the adult in question. This adult is taking no responsibility for themselves, doing as they please and putting the rest of the family to much inconvenience, and is now demanding even more upheaval from younger children to accommodate them.
If you think a decent parent enables an adult at the expense of their children then you are misguided in the extreme.
The OP may not 'like' her eldest, to be blunt, there doesn't sound much to like at present. However she has clearly gone above and beyond to show love and be supportive, and can continue to do this without having the rest of the family suffer.

This situation is why the uk gov needs to do what the new zealand gov has recently announced - ban young people living at home with parents from claiming benefits. The last labour government should have also ring fenced the trust fund for specific uses, like a car or house deposit. You are not alone. Many young people see a few grand in a trust fund as holiday money, and over a 100 a week UC as the ultimate pocket money.

Are you mental?! She should have the sofa in her own house when her son is a grown adult and can’t be arsed to work?!

I agree you shouldn’t pass the problem on to your teen DS to share with your eldest, but I also think they shouldn’t share with you DD. No school age child should be sharing with an adult who acts like this.

If they can’t move out (the eldest) I think next best is to make the living room into a bedroom for them.

Yes something along the lines of ‘you’re absolutely right, you probably shouldn’t be sharing with your sister as it probably make HER uncomfortable and it’s an important year for HER. I would like you to move out. We can store your things in the garage and I’m happy for you to stay on the sofa whilst you are finding a job and a house share. The expectation is that the living room is available for everyone else to use during the day.’

Absolutely. Besides which, there's the 5yo to consider. Luckily children that age usually don't mind sharing with parents, but she deserves a quiet space to have her toys in, play in and go to sleep at night.

All of the actual "children" deserve to feel secure in their home and their needs should come first. Personally I don't think any of them should be sharing with an adult who gets drunk and depressed, wakes them up at night and complains when they turn on the lights in the morning to get ready for school. It's not a lifestyle that is compatible with a family home with children in it.

Caravan in the garden?

Exactly, I've no idea why that would be a good idea.

They need to move out and grow up

Your poor 15 year old.
Your eldest needs to move out. You can’t inflict this on any of the younger siblings. Your adult child can sleep on sofa until this is sorted. DD15 should not have to put up with this.
Then you can decide whether to move DD5 in with DD15 or keep with you.

I don't know any other European country that hands out benefits to adults living at home unless they take part of a specific program in order for them to get a job. Mind you, the OP's child could probably get PIP for mh issues if he/she describes how his problems are affecting him.