To except DS21 to share a room with his sister? *edited by MNHQ*

[DasDrummer]

I'm a mum to 4 DC, DS21, DD15, and DS15, DD5

My eldest was born a girl but ill use DS for this thread as it's his argument for why he can't share a room. He is on testosterone and to a lot of people he “passes” as a man.

He barely finished school, he didn't take his GCSEs as it was in 2020, he briefly started a catering course at college but he dropped out after a few months. In 2019 I split with their dad and he started sharing a room with DD and has done since. I had to downsize and there was nothing I could do. They have the biggest room and DS15 has the box room. It isn't possible for me to sleep on the sofa and give one of them my room. DD5 is in with me (in her own bed though)

Anyway, he got a job at 17 (he turned 18 later that year) it was at the supermarket. He ended up buying tickets to see an artist he liked as they were going on tour and the manager said no he couldn't have it off, he ended up quitting. He got his trust fund at 18 and wasted it to go travelling around Europe to different shows for said artist. He basically said he could do what he wanted

He was gone for most of 2023, he came back and didn't get a job, he stayed in bed all day on his phone. He also met a girl that lived in Germany and spent Christmas 2023 with her (this was with him getting UC and buying cheap flights), he finally got a job early last year, the gf came here to visit him and DD had to share a bed with me for the week. I don't know why I allowed him to dictate but I regret it.

Anyway, they split up and he started saying he was depressed and he’d stay in bed all day etc. He ended up quitting the job in Feb/March and again he’d just stay in bed constantly. He did end up going to the GP and was given antidepressants and he's had 1 session of therapy.

He got a boyfriend in the summer and he was out with him a lot, he'd come over but honestly it was too much too soon. I never let him stay over apart from agreeing to when me and my younger DC were away (they broke up before this happened though). When they broke up the behaviour was the same, in bed most the time. He only eats one meal a day because I don't cook for him, he usually ends up ordering though.

He does go out drinking a few times a week, he gets UC and that mostly goes on nights out (and quickly), he sometimes disturbs us getting in drunk, but other times he stays out. The artist had announced another tour and he's been complaining he has no money to see him more than once which is his own fault tbh.

Anyway, to the point: he is saying he shouldn't have to share with DD15, he's an adult and if he should share with anyone it would be DS as he's not a woman and feels uncomfortable sharing with DD, this led to an argument over me not accepting him, he called me transphobic and I basically told him if he doesn't Iike it he should move out. He stormed out and hasn't replied to my messages, this was last night.

To add: they did used to share bunk beds but now they have their own single bed and the room is slightly partitioned with shelves but he still complains about her and sharing.

AIBU?

id put you and youngest in biggest room, second and third youngest in their own rooms and ds eldest can have the sofa bed in the lounge as his own - but of course he will need to sleep at night as everyone will be in during the morning to Get to the kitchen

Could you ‘kick out’ DS21 so they can claim homelessness the council. I believe if you give the council a deadline they will try and find something suitable for them. Obviously housing is extremely stretched so it may be a bit of a wait. But if they can find a flat for DS21 it might be best he start working and paying his own way. Your house sounds severely overcrowded and it’s not really fair on the actual children.

he gets his UC but then often complains and asks for it back because he has no money and I never buy food he likes.

So tell your entitled child to move out and he can make his own dinners.

Whaaat ?

Tell them to get the hell out

you could sleep in the living room? My parents would do that.

Why would you expect your parent to sleep in the living room?!

Giving more reason for this selfish, egocentric child to rule the roost FFS!

Time they moved our I think. Bad attitude and also you can't expect your son to share with a female even if they have taken drugs to get more masculine. It would also feel weird for your daughter to share with their trans sibling.

Because that is bonkers. Sort your life, finance, mental health and then transition if you wish. Why you are putting this on your mother with all her numerous children. She copes but ...

I'd offer him the sofa and he needs to be up in the morning when the rest of the household are.

The younger kids deserve a peaceful environment to study for their exams.

If he doesn't like it, out he goes.

Not an adult man. Adult woman on testosterone.

This is not about liking you or not. This is an adult having the high life, changing nickers and disturbing the siblings

He needs to grow up and get a proper job and take responsibility for his own life.

Ideally I think every adult should have their own room-and own place. It's sad for young people that things are so hard; only a couple of generations ago, very few people still lived with their parents over 25 (so I'm told by older people and also teachers!) but now that seems to be the norm. I don't know what options/likelihood in your area for people to get their own place, whether it's an option your family could explore? Round here, I'm told that unless you have a bit of money, it's not easy to get anywhere.

Thank god someone has said it. The OP’s eldest child is a female who has decided she is a man.

SHE is causing complete chaos in a household who have all been traumatised by DV.

@DasDrummer you are having to conduct a serious balancing act between all of your children’s needs and i feel for you.

The eldest appears to be more traumatised than your others from what you say. I wonder why, is there a possibility she has been sexually abused and this has not been explored, it is common for young women to identify out of their sex because of this.

All i can see from afar is that you have no choice but to minimise harms caused by your eldest to your siblings.

Given her vulnerabilities your eldest will get housed by the local Authority, you need to focus on your other children now so as not to have their lives ruined.

Doesn't like it, can move out. It sounds like you have already done your best to be accommodating and they have no understanding that you have more than one child to consider- and they aren't all old enough as your eldest is to be able to get a job sorted and maybe start giving instead of taking.

You have three bedrooms?

You take the smallest. DD aged 15 shares with 5 year old DD.

The two DSs share.

“DS21” is a girl, am sure DS 15 who is a boy would be thrilled about that.

You might find that a 15 year old is way more open to the concept of being transgender than your average adult.

Don't be so completely ridiculous. Why the hell should she? And your other comment further in the thread, just pretty unpleasant, really. So as long as they get a job in between doing whatever they like its all fine and dandy? And only they matter? Behave yourself.

TBH, there’s no transgender issues in my household but I do sleep in the lounge to allow my 3 DCs to have their own rooms.

DS1 is 28 & autistic. He needs his own space & cannot share.

DS2 is 25 & DD is 14. Obviously it’s not ideal for them to share either.

PS: I’ve been on MN long enough to still equate DS1 to first born son rather than 1 year old son. Not sure exactly when that changed!

I could be massively in left field, but I think your DS (formerly DD) is autistic.
The abusive father & violent home, and then you fleeing the violent home with your children probably meant there was too much chaos for your DC to be flagged up as autistic as lots of behaviours get put down to only trauma that are actually autism + trauma.

The fact they have hit autistic burnout- being mistaken for depression. The antidepressants not working. The therapy being a waste of time. Indicates to me it isn’t depression.

The fact they spend every penny they get on this favourite artist and spent a year following them around Europe, blowing entire child trust fund on this with no thought to the future- autistic passion to a tee.

The fact they NEED their own space/room - another feature of autism

The fact at 17 they are acting like they are 14 and no where near ready to be independent - autistic.

The fact they have likely been gender nonconformimg their entire life and then when the body changing bits of puberty hit, came out as trans - also screams autistic. Puberty can be very traumatic for an autistic female because they feel genuine sensory discomfort at growing breasts, at their hips moving out, at periods. In this day and age the only message with answers to sensory overload caused by puberty is the transgender answer. Almost all the detransitioners are undiagnosed autistic girls that thought they were trans.

The fact they use a screen to regulate emotions/recharge- autistic

The insomnia to point of almost reversed sleeping patterns - autistic burnout

The struggle to maintain relationships and friendships- autism (this goes for all relationships except for with small children or pets)

I’m not saying your DC is definitely autistic but there are many many clues telling me that you have more than enough evidence to warrant a full assessment. There isn’t much autism specific help after diagnosis, but it would at least mean the GP and mental health would be giving them help & advice based on burnout, not depression and so on.

Oh don't talk rubbish a fifteen year old boy will be wanking himself blind, a female in his room erm no….

Except she’s not making her child homeless. She’s offering him a bed in a shared room - the one he sleeps in now. If HE doesn’t want that room then he can move out / make himself homeless.

But to parrot PP - he’s absolutely right, he is an adult and he shouldn’t have to share a room with a sibling. And so he can find his own place with his own room with no sibling, and fund it with his own income.

That’s his two choices and he can pick whichever he likes.

So no 15 year old boy ever shared a room with someone they considered to be their brother?

Do me a favour!

I think you have been more than fair,its your house and your rules, he cant just decide to tell you how you should run your household. Hes an adult and wants to be treated as one. It really is time for him to move out and take responsibility for his own life. It doesn't mean he cant visit, its the next chapter of his life, its a positive, hopefully he'll come to realise that if you can have a chat