To quit work and be SAHM

[Blueyrocks]

I work part time. DH works full time and earns more than twice what I do. He also has much better career progression opportunities than my job would have I think.

We have 3 kids, one still in nursery, no funded hours, 3 days/ week. Combined with wrap around care for the older two, this means that me working brings in about £300/ month, sometimes less if we've hit the tax-free limit for childcare.

I like my job. My colleagues are lovely and the work is mostly low stress and not dangerous or difficult, just a nice office job. And my baby will get funded hours in August, and then my work will contribute more like £1300 or even more per month to what we have as a family. We have a mortgage but no.other debts.

But life is very, very busy. There's no leeway. Eg if someone gets sick then whole system breaks down. We have no family support and I have PTSD, which can randomly flare up and throw everything off balance. My kids seem happy in school/ nursery/ after school clubs, but often are a bit hyper on their club days, and dinner can sometimes be pretty rubbish on those days - fish fingers, or instant noodles. Not always,but more often than I'd like. And the house is messy, and rarely as clean as I'd like.

DH doesn't mind whether I work or not. He says life would be easier if I didn't, and he'd be happier as less stress. But that it's up to me to decide if I'd be happier and he'll support whatever I decide.

Would i just feel like my whole life was drudgery and miss the office job, and wish for the money I'll be earning in less than a year - holidays, and decorating the house nicer, wouldn't be as easy with just one salary. Or would all of that matter less than the relief of DH earning the money and me taking care of the house, cooking, cleaning, shopping, school run, sick days etc.

Any advice please??

YABU - stay in your job
YANBU - quit

Don't give up your independence.

Agree, don't give up work.

Pension. Divorce. Spousal death. Being you and having something only you do. Go part time maybe but don’t give up.

I know what you mean about the system breaking down with the slightest issue. Do you have any family around to help if needed? Sounds like it is about to be much more financially beneficial to be working, and it's important to keep a job if possible to ensure your future is more secure. I'd keep the job x

There’s another thread about an OP who is sad that after being a sahp she’s now becoming a cleaner because she has so few options.

You see daily threads of women who’s marriages have broken down and they’re financially dependent.

I’d consider what five years’ time looks like, when you have more time but less money. And even longer term - retirement?

Does your workplace offer sabbaticals or longer period of unpaid leave (eg 6 months?). If so it may be worth exploring these options before quitting outright as you can then test the waters and see how the finances work out and how you feel about it.

If not, does your DH’s salary comfortably cover all the basics? If yes then I would say it is worth giving it a go, perhaps putting a time limit on how long you will take off before exploring other job opportunities. Burnout with preschool age children is real, I’ve recently taken a small career break myself under similar circumstances and can honestly say it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Our finances are not in a position that I can be a stay at home, mum long-term, But having a brief period of taking the pressure off has done wonders for my mental health and our family as a whole.

I gave up working and I’ve never been happier, and neither have my family. Life is so much calmer, much more enjoyable and stress-free. Absolutely no regrets.

Everyone on here said it was a bad idea but I did it for a few years and it worked out really well. Partly motivated by also having a longer commute when potentially coming back after mat leave and the crazy logistics involved.

Depends on how your finances are set up etc. Gave me a chance to reconsider what to do next. And obviously we were able to afford it.

Edit - I'm back at work PT now all kids are at school, in a different but related job.

Ignore the people saying don’t give up your Independence. What’s the point of having said independence if you’re burning yourself to the ground mentally and physically.

Why not take a break from work and go back in a few years?

As long as you and your husband have had clear conversations and finances and expectations of the situation I don’t see why you shouldn’t.

As someone at the other end, my pension is shit compared to DH (PT v FT) so God knows how crap it would have been if I had been a sahp. Otoh you could rely on your DH sharing his if he has a really good one.

I’d say don’t do it. You’re giving up your earning potential, pension and future security. Don’t become like several women on here who can’t believe their DH left them after they gave up so much for him and his career. Always be in a position where you can support yourself and your kids on your wage.

It's a very personal decision. I did it because I wanted to spend time with my children and I think it's better for them to be with their parents when young (if parents want to ofcourse). Now at 12 and 15 they find friends funnier to hang around with which is how it should be. But I'm happy to have been there for their childhood- it goes so fast.

Does your DH's income cover enough to include a pension for you?

Is your DH the type who will assume/expect you to have the same personal spends as him or will you be scrimping and saving?

What is his current attitude to housework and looking after the kids? Does he accept it's a shared tasks or is he likely to be the type to think if you're not working out of the home that every single house and child task is yours 24/7?

Is your career the type of career that is easy to get back into? Some careers you can take a year or five out and get back into, but others is basically the end.

Also is your husband employed or self-employed?

If life goes tits up then it's much much harder to force self employed men to pay child maintenance so I'd never be a SAHP if my spouse was self employed

The OP is already part time

Personally I would, at least until all kids are in full time school

I thought all working parents received childcare funding now for babies aged 9 months? Just in case you missed it coming in this September.

Stay. You are very lucky to have a job you like.

With 3 young kids and no extended family support, I would quit work if I were you for now.

Nothing needs to be forever, so just keep it under review.

I have pretty much worked full time since I had my children (they are older teens now) but I have had long periods between jobs when life felt a bit too much to juggle everything.

Once I got restless (after about a year each time) I brushed off my CV and found something else. I have always been open and honest about my employment gaps being related to wanting more family time between very stressful full-on jobs and it’s never held me back.

I think it depends on how long you are out of the workforce and what you do with that time. Could you do a course or something during your break, less intense than work but not leaving you stagnant.

It also depends on your industry. Things like IT and medical can be hard to rejoin but general admin like reception can be easier after a break.

I would probably seek advice of someone in your industry. Also your health needs protecting. I am not sure of your specific circumstances but with PTSD if your cup runs over it can take a long time to recover from burn out etc.

How solid is your marriage. Will your DH rely on you being at home and not step back up when you rejoin the workforce?

So while it isn't a great idea to stop work it depends. We always here the worst on Mumsnet.

Don’t give up your financial independence. It’s really tough now, you’re struggling. I get it, but it will get better.

Depending on someone else’s money is like playing Russian Roulette with your security. Hang onto your job. Future you will thank you.

Thank you all so much. I knew I'd get lots of really helpful perspectives on here. To answer a few things - I already work part time. In Scotland so no funded hours until baby is 3. My type of work would probably not be too difficult to rejoin after a while off as it's kind of admin/ project management stuff. I haven't been in the job long enough to take a sabbatical, but this would be an option in a year's time. I have a baby group now,but will come back later to reply on the type of partner my DH is, and finances and stuff 🙂

If you can find childcare. Also, it barely makes a dent. It's a disgrace tbh.

How easy would it be for you to go back to work in a few years when all the children are at school?

spunds like a DH problem. If you’re so exhausted despite being part time then he can’t possibly be doing his share.

His career cannot be protected at the expense of yours as 50 percent of marriages end. He should drop a day perhaps if you want the kids in childcare less and he can use that time to do housework too.

Dont bet your whole financial security on a man.