To quit work and be SAHM

[Blueyrocks]

I work part time. DH works full time and earns more than twice what I do. He also has much better career progression opportunities than my job would have I think.

We have 3 kids, one still in nursery, no funded hours, 3 days/ week. Combined with wrap around care for the older two, this means that me working brings in about £300/ month, sometimes less if we've hit the tax-free limit for childcare.

I like my job. My colleagues are lovely and the work is mostly low stress and not dangerous or difficult, just a nice office job. And my baby will get funded hours in August, and then my work will contribute more like £1300 or even more per month to what we have as a family. We have a mortgage but no.other debts.

But life is very, very busy. There's no leeway. Eg if someone gets sick then whole system breaks down. We have no family support and I have PTSD, which can randomly flare up and throw everything off balance. My kids seem happy in school/ nursery/ after school clubs, but often are a bit hyper on their club days, and dinner can sometimes be pretty rubbish on those days - fish fingers, or instant noodles. Not always,but more often than I'd like. And the house is messy, and rarely as clean as I'd like.

DH doesn't mind whether I work or not. He says life would be easier if I didn't, and he'd be happier as less stress. But that it's up to me to decide if I'd be happier and he'll support whatever I decide.

Would i just feel like my whole life was drudgery and miss the office job, and wish for the money I'll be earning in less than a year - holidays, and decorating the house nicer, wouldn't be as easy with just one salary. Or would all of that matter less than the relief of DH earning the money and me taking care of the house, cooking, cleaning, shopping, school run, sick days etc.

Any advice please??

YABU - stay in your job
YANBU - quit

She's got her pension sorted! -

Life is not just about clinging on n- it is about quality. Why would anyone want to bring up their chidlren in an unsatisfactory "clinging on" situation when it can be done in a more relaxed manner with some slack in the system?

Yes! It's so much easier being a working parent when the kids are preschool age than it is when they are in school!

Why would this OP have the same with the work experience she has as an office worker?

I have nothing useful to offer but just want to know how you got your pension pot to where it is without being a higher earner! Asking for a friend 😉

The post I’m referencing was also an office worker but couldn’t get any office or admin work having been out of the workforce. And was sad that she’s had to take on cleaning work.

@BingaBongBoom haha, I was one of the beneficiaries of someone's else's pension, who died in their mid-60s, before they even retired. I don't recommend the devastating bereavement, but I am so grateful for the financial security. He wanted it put in a pension for me (my younger brother got the same).

Thanks so much everyone - this has been so helpful. No decision yet, but I feel much more aware of the factors I need to consider, and also of what's really going on with me

@Mischance @Delatron @Seamoss @Om83 thank you for your posts - I really do think they've woken me up a bit to the big issue in the corner beside this debate I've been having with myself about SAHM or not. The PTSD is a big problem - another flashback this evening, it's multiple times a week at the moment. I feel exhausted by it, and it can wreck me for days sometimes. No wonder my kids sometimes eat instant noodles 😂

I would ask husband to drop a day. This would make family life easier but means you don’t have to sacrifice your earning potential

@Hobbitfeet32 this would have a far bigger impact on family finances than me dropping a day, short and long term.

Plus, I may be wrong, but I feel, especially after some of the posts here, that the SAHM thing could, partly, be a healing thing for me. I didn't get a lot of care as a child, and devoting myself to building a calm, healthy family life for my kids (and myself) seems like peace and closure from a very chaotic childhood.

What I mean is, maybe I misunderstood the problem when I first posted, and the overwhelm is deeper than just 3 kids and 2 jobs.

My very best wishes to you whatever you choose. I hope your health improves in spades 🩷

Creating a calm healthy life for your children ... indeed all of you ... is a laudable goal. Grab it!

keep job have your own money and independence
leave job and rely on your partner for every penny and maybe get an allowance or pocket money if your lucky and also rely on him for your independence
yeah keep the job

Quit if you want, it’s your life.

But do consider how much harder it will be getting back into work after a few years at home, if that’s what you want to do. And consider what sort of jobs you would be able to get if you suddenly had to start working again a few years from now, if your DH was ill for example.

I understand it would be easier in the short term, I really do. But it’s not as easy to get those quite nice part time office jobs as it used to be, it’s tough at the moment.

Go for it. You can be replaced at work, you can't be replaced at home. Your kids will love you for it.

What's the point of having money if a person's life is so stressed and is causing them health issues?
A person isn't independent if they are tied to a job.
(The OP has £400,000 in a pension fund)

If you can easily afford it, your DH is supportive and you feel it would benefit your family then absolutely why not?

Well that all only applies if you are married to a nitwit. Thankfully it looks as though the OP has a decent partner with whom she works as a team.

That's a good slice already. I'd definitely take the break. My friend NHS 30 years pension. Quit at 55. Took a break. Set up a self employed business has been building up a second private pension. She'll cut back or employ someone if she wants to go part time.

@Coffeetime25 I do understand the concerns you're raising, but although my DH isn't perfect, he is incapable of being tight with money. He's more keen on me SAH than I am tbh, and has always been even frustrated that I don't spend more money on myself, and that I didn't always use the joint account for stuff for the kids. I just don't see that being an issue. More of an issue though is whether I'd be comfortable spending any money on myself without earning.

And I'm not remotely independent, even with a job. I couldn't possibly afford the life I have, without DH. I would have to stay with my brother if marriage ended, until I got a better job, even if I didn't give up work now.

DH and I do need to look at exact numbers. ATM we're just conscious that my salary effectively covers childcare, and a few hundred quid extra which we're sure isn't going on anything essential. It's covering the other costs associated with two working parents, plus a bit left over, I think.

And we would need to get life and critical illness insurance for him.

But oh my, the time we'd have. We've always felt more time poor than cash poor. But maybe that's the innocence of never really being cash poor....

I can't understand why you are agonising over this. It is a no-brainer and an opportunity that many would jump at.

Imagine the smooth running family life that is within your grasp .... everyone would benefit.

Keep your foot in the door, it'll pay off later.

YANBU - definitely quit. Time with your family is the best. My youngest has been off school very poorly for 3 days this week, and I love that I can be there to care for her without ever having to deal with the stress of calling an employer to take time off. I am so grateful to my DH that I have never been in a position of dependence on a boss who can make me feel immense guilt and stress when my children need me. It’s liberating!

You quite like your job and it gives you a break from the house and kids. I really don’t think you should leave it. It gives you a sense of empowerment and confidence working. You just don’t know what the future is gonna bring. and giving that up all for the sake of a few quid and a slightly cleaner house is not worth it

Working parents raise their children. Surely you don’t actually believe your husband wasn’t raising your children? What a horrible way to view your own partner.

I’m sorry you found work less satisfying. How fortunate your husband didn’t! I suppose it’s lucky that with not terribly satisfying work you were able to tap out.

OP have some time out of the workforce if you feel you need and your family can afford it. Like all parents, the dual responsibilities inherent to raising children - to provide care AND also provide financially - can be split between parents in a way that works for both. If it’s not working for you to be working right now that’s ok. Just make sure you can find your way back.

please don’t look at this through the lens of whether ‘your salary’ covers childcare - once kids are fully at school those costs go down massively. Why should it always be the woman’s salary that covers it anyway?

I noticed your post above saying you would have no independence and your husband isn’t very tight with money, and I just thought what a nightmare for you if things go wrong