To quit work and be SAHM

[Blueyrocks]

I work part time. DH works full time and earns more than twice what I do. He also has much better career progression opportunities than my job would have I think.

We have 3 kids, one still in nursery, no funded hours, 3 days/ week. Combined with wrap around care for the older two, this means that me working brings in about £300/ month, sometimes less if we've hit the tax-free limit for childcare.

I like my job. My colleagues are lovely and the work is mostly low stress and not dangerous or difficult, just a nice office job. And my baby will get funded hours in August, and then my work will contribute more like £1300 or even more per month to what we have as a family. We have a mortgage but no.other debts.

But life is very, very busy. There's no leeway. Eg if someone gets sick then whole system breaks down. We have no family support and I have PTSD, which can randomly flare up and throw everything off balance. My kids seem happy in school/ nursery/ after school clubs, but often are a bit hyper on their club days, and dinner can sometimes be pretty rubbish on those days - fish fingers, or instant noodles. Not always,but more often than I'd like. And the house is messy, and rarely as clean as I'd like.

DH doesn't mind whether I work or not. He says life would be easier if I didn't, and he'd be happier as less stress. But that it's up to me to decide if I'd be happier and he'll support whatever I decide.

Would i just feel like my whole life was drudgery and miss the office job, and wish for the money I'll be earning in less than a year - holidays, and decorating the house nicer, wouldn't be as easy with just one salary. Or would all of that matter less than the relief of DH earning the money and me taking care of the house, cooking, cleaning, shopping, school run, sick days etc.

Any advice please??

YABU - stay in your job
YANBU - quit

It isn't just about money. There are so many factors. There needs to be a sit down conversation where you both lay out your expectations of what you expect from each other.

Firstly, when he walks in the door after working out of the home would he then see it as your sole parenting is now over just like his sole job is over and you are now sharing the responsibility of the children and anything that needed doing in the house? Would this apply on weekends? Or would he see everything as your responsibility child and house wise all the time?

Access to money and attitude to spending money on both the children and yourself. We used to sit down and talk long term financial plans and also short term stuff. I had access to everything and I am still the person who organises the finances.

Savings to cover your Dh if something happened and he couldn't work for a while whether made redundant or long term sick.

How fast could you get back into work if needed? Arranging child care etc as well as securing a job where you haven't worked for a while.

Pension funding for you if this goes on for a long time.

All these things need to be taken into account. I was a sahm, it worked brilliantly for us, Dh and I are still together after almost 30 years. His career took off as he didn't need to take time off for sick children, or nursery runs. I was very organised and ran the house well.

The downside, most people work, are busy and it can be very lonely and monotonous. Personally I am fine being alone, I enjoy a multitude of things, I volunteered and was never bored. Only 1 other person was a long term sahm like me everyone else returned to work.

If you have the option I’d give up work. I did it and it was the best decision I made. Children grow up so quickly and it was lovely to spend that time with them. Material things are not important. What children need is time with their parent/parents and as a STAM you will be able to do that. Time that you will never be able fully give if you are working.
I was at home for 11 years, then went back to work part time around school hours. For me being at home, raising my children was more satisfying than any job I had and my children were happier too.
Ultimately the choice is yours and you have to do what’s right for your circumstances but I’d say give up work if you can.

I had a little time being a SAHM and loved it but I also wrote novels so that gave me focus on myself alongside the family.

I would have happily stayed a SAHM but then I became a single parent a few years later and have had to work since but I miss those days. I could quite happily stayed home now and not miss working.

The question is, money aside, will you miss your job and colleagues? Will you find life easier being home, not just for being there for the family but for yourself too?

I wouldn’t - especially with how the global economy is now, unemployment rising in every country, you never know when you can be made redundant (1000s have been recently globally) and it’s very difficult now to get back into employment. If the job is good, cherish it. Second of all, your job is your insurance policy and gives you immense independence if things in the relationship do not work out. And there never is a guarantee ever that it will always be an easy sail. I would juggle. You’ll thank yourself in the long run. It builds resilience.

Your situation is very like my own and I wouldn't quit my job. I'd absolutely love to not work, but what it does offer me is so valuable and long term is vital (paying PRSI, helping with mortgage, independent financially in case life goes away etc). Im always in a hurry, on the school run, house a mess, but those things are manageable.

What makes things a little easier is that I can WFH if a child is sick so I understand that can be stressful if you have no back up

the bit that stands out to me is you saying it would be easy to rejoin the workforce in a similar role. I’d stop work in a heartbeat given everything you’ve said, with a view to working part time again in a few years

I think being a SAHM is hard work and only really works if you actively have a desire to do it.

The way you put it in your OP, it kinda sounded like you thought it would make things less stressful but not really that you have an active desire to do it or want more time with your children. That to me suggests it wouldn't make you happy.

It also sounds like your DH doesn't do enough..

Especially once you get the funded hours, I would outsource a bit more - do you have a cleaner? Hello Fresh/Gousto also helps

I love not working! It's been 9 years now and I have no intention of going back.

But you must make sure there are safety nets in place should the worst happen. For example life/illness insurance. I also have a property of my own independent from my DH.

You have to be certain your DH really is ok with this set up too. It may sound like a nice idea but when put into practice many women find their partners throw not working back in their faces during arguments or expect them to become Dobby the house elf. There is also the risk of a power imbalance if you aren't granted access to shared funds. We have a joint credit card account so I don't have to ask for money or permission to buy things. I wouldn't have accepted anything less as I'd have found it degrading otherwise.

Much happier being a SAHM and raising kids. People see their DH come home tired and grumpy after a long hard day and work and think "I want that as well"

you working is still making some money (many work for nothing or pay to work) and at some point, you will get funded hours. It's not just about your pay but career progression, pension contributions etc. It very silly and short sighted to just look at the £300 better off at the end of the month for now. You are already part time which is often the best of both worlds and you like your job. There is no decision to be made!

Your marriage could break down, DH could lose his job at any point or get sick and become unable to work. You should always aim to stay in work to avoid major gaps on your CV, incase any of the above happens really. Finding work is hard when you’ve been out of work for a while, employers don’t like it.

It will get easier as the DC get older and more independent, also sounds as though you’re on the cusp of it getting easier financially in terms of childcare.

Don’t worry about the fish fingers, my DS is ND and the healthiest things I can get him to eat are nakd bars, bear yo-yos, innocent smoothies and tomato pasta with hidden veg sauce. Some kids are even worse and just eat biscuits or pizza. Your kids will be fine being my point.

Are you sure it would be easy to get back into part time work? PT jobs are not easy to come by IME especially for someone who’s had a career break and so may have less negotiating power than someone with recent experience. And then factor in the fact that you like your workplace and colleagues… that’s also not that easy to come by!

In your shoes I would look at staying in work but reducing your load however possible to make things a bit less stretched. For example, use unpaid parental leave for holidays. See if you can WFH at all. Pay for a cleaner? Basically make it more manageable for you to stay in work as it will pay off in the long run.

It's easier in some ways to have a parent stay at home. Sick days and school holidays are covered and of course you get extra time with them while they are little.
If you give up work and hate being at home you can always go back to work. It's not like you have to make a decision for life.
Personally I miss working but in my case I have no option (carer for DS) but it sounds like you would have the option to return.

Work gave me money - it didn't give me independence 😂
Personally I would give up working. For now at least while your children are young.
Yes your marriage could break down, he could die (hopefully not) or lose his job but I don't think life should always be about "what if....".
If the bills are covered by one wage then go for it.

If you can afford to quit do it. Only you know how secure you are in your marriage. I know 100% that my marriage is water tight, I wouldn't worry about leaving my job if we could afford it, but we can't without sacrificing too much.
We are often run ragged trying to work whilst partially supervising our kids when they're come home from school. Id love to be able to prepare and put a lovely snack on the table, welcome them home, chat to them about their day, help with homework. It's golden time. I don't see it as drudgery.
There's plenty of time to return to work in the future when they are older or if you simply change your mind.
Also, make sure you have is good life insurance, but everyone should have that anyway.

The short answer is £1300 a month additional disposable income for a family of 4 is £15600 a year. If you won that in a radio competition in the morning you'd be totally chuffed and would find a million things to do with it. That you can generate that much spare cash while working PT is kudos to you.

Yes, it's a complete grind with small children but it will be anyway if you are at home FT without any of the luxury of some extra cash for treats, for a fortnightly cleaner, for days out with the kids when you are not working, to have some cash of your own to buy some nice things for yourself. I wouldn't give it up at all.

Well yes but surely OP's point is that she gets £300 max?

Another thing - if your DHs situations and yours swapped, would he even consider being an SAHD to make your life easier? Lots of ingrained sexism in these decisions

Can you take a career break for a year until you get funded hours then maybe try and reduce your hours further?
I would never give up my career, my money and pension.

Thats only in England. The other UK nations have different schemes.

Agreed. I often see the 'what if' arguments regarding women not working. The truth is many women who do work would still be up Shit Creek regardless. Insurances should be put into place in any event.

But will get £1300 in August when the hours become available. Which will also mean that by then she will also have the choice to have the toddler in nursery for a few hours on her days off and have some actual time to herself too.

Baby happy playing so I can reply to some more stuff.

DH does pull his weight, definitely. It's just we feel that 3 kids plus about 60 hours of paid work between the two of us fees like too much.

I would love the time with my kids. Maybe should have made that clearer, I love being with them, love doing their reading homework with them and baking with them and the park and all that. I had a pretty difficult childhood v volatile and violent etc, and it is so important to me that my kids have a calm, gentle home and a mum who loves them and has the capacity to care for the properly.

Pension, I have already a big pension pot, more than £400k (not through being a high earner at any point, to be clear!!l

I'm in a very, very similar position. In truth I'd think you were me, if it wasn't for the 3 kids - as I've only got 2! And I recognise and resonate with what you have said, however I do think that working 3 days is a good balance. Yes it can be a lot of stress and during those days I could see it far enough but at the same time it allows me to have independence and a pension. And I can see that it will get easier as my youngest gets older and we get some funded hours - but for the meantime I'm still keeping my career on the boil. We've recently engaged a cleaner which has helped A LOT, I couldn't justify that without working. And I always have a meal plan on the go - including things that can be made pretty quickly!

Cautiously I say yanbu. You could be a sahm and while a lot of your problems have solutions (see below) some like the PTSD and lack of family support don’t.

Think about:

how you would feel being dependent on dh for money

how he would feel and would it change balance of power in your relationship

would it feel like “drudgery”? Hard to predict

what do the other solutions look like? Eg pay for a cleaner

why the heck are you stuck feeding your kids instant noodles - dh and I work 95+ hours a week and have 2 kids and we’re having stuffed pepper tonight and tomorrow it’s home made curry… meal plan, batch cook and organise yourself better!

AI is coming. Is your dh job secure? In four or more years will the equivalent of your nice little PT job exist? Think about how your skills will erode or other jobs you could do if all else fails.