To quit work and be SAHM

[Blueyrocks]

I work part time. DH works full time and earns more than twice what I do. He also has much better career progression opportunities than my job would have I think.

We have 3 kids, one still in nursery, no funded hours, 3 days/ week. Combined with wrap around care for the older two, this means that me working brings in about £300/ month, sometimes less if we've hit the tax-free limit for childcare.

I like my job. My colleagues are lovely and the work is mostly low stress and not dangerous or difficult, just a nice office job. And my baby will get funded hours in August, and then my work will contribute more like £1300 or even more per month to what we have as a family. We have a mortgage but no.other debts.

But life is very, very busy. There's no leeway. Eg if someone gets sick then whole system breaks down. We have no family support and I have PTSD, which can randomly flare up and throw everything off balance. My kids seem happy in school/ nursery/ after school clubs, but often are a bit hyper on their club days, and dinner can sometimes be pretty rubbish on those days - fish fingers, or instant noodles. Not always,but more often than I'd like. And the house is messy, and rarely as clean as I'd like.

DH doesn't mind whether I work or not. He says life would be easier if I didn't, and he'd be happier as less stress. But that it's up to me to decide if I'd be happier and he'll support whatever I decide.

Would i just feel like my whole life was drudgery and miss the office job, and wish for the money I'll be earning in less than a year - holidays, and decorating the house nicer, wouldn't be as easy with just one salary. Or would all of that matter less than the relief of DH earning the money and me taking care of the house, cooking, cleaning, shopping, school run, sick days etc.

Any advice please??

YABU - stay in your job
YANBU - quit

Keep your job. Much harder to get back in when you've had a break.

Also factor in extra curricular activities with 3 or 4 DC. It's a lot each week being taxi driver!

@ranoutofquinoaandprosecco ah ok. Thank you for explaining your set up. I don't think I'd want/ need DH to pay into a separate account for me but it is worth thinking about eg how I'd feel using family money to buy myself a new nail polish or something... Which I imagine is where your own pot of money is good to have

@Blueyrocksi think if I were you I would wait until you get the funded hours and see how you feel then? For me, now we have no childcare costs my salary does feel like a good contribution to our household (just under £2k a month) despite my DH earning much more than I do. Could you cut your hours to 2 days a week at all?

I mean they've both said they think not working would be good for me, btw - neither of them want to give up work!

I took a four year break. No family, no nurseries, no full time school until the spring after their fourth birthday. Had two babies close together. I went to night school to brush up on computer use.

Was tight money wise but it worked for us.

I didn't see the need to a separate account when I first became a SAHM, but after a short time DH insisted on it, precisely because I used to hesitate about buying things I didn't necessarily need.

We both take the same amount every month. DH spends his little and often - takeaway coffees, drinks when working away, magazine subscription, bits and bobs like that. I spend mine in bigger chunks - a day at a spa, annual Ancestry subscription, and things like that.

Yeah, I know this looks like the obvious, sensible choice - stick it out until August, and see how life feels when we have a better sense of the financial reality of £15k more income/ year.

But on the other hand is the stuff @SingingSands said. I feel damaged /broken, like I'll never be ok or normal, and stepping off the rollercoaster seems like it would heal that, like being able to breathe freely for the first time in my life.

But maybe it wouldn't...

@ARichtGoodDramits exactly that, you need your own pot of money.

I'm a sahm and love it. I don't feel like my life is a drudge - I find it calm. When dc was at nursery for three days a week I still only just felt on top of the house and garden. Now dc is in reception I'm still not twiddling my thumbs but am starting to think about working again. I love being able to be there for all the assemblies, no need for after school or holiday clubs etc. I love having time to cook.

Having said that, I have my own savings if everything went wrong, it can be a little lonely sometimes, and if your job is nice, low stress and flexible it might be worth keeping it if you think you'd struggle to get anything similar.

Do it op.
Aslong as you and your dh have a very clear understanding on how your finances will be managed going forward. So have a sit down and proper conversation about it.

When I didn’t return after Mat leave my Dh had his wage get paid into the joint account. I manage all the bills, outgoings, savings, shopping budgets etc.
I did return to work 2 days per week and now we just club all our money together as it’s all just family money.

but the change in our family life was drastic. I do most of the house work during the week so there’s very little to do on a weekend and we can focus on spending time together.
it’s not for everyone, but for us we are so much happier now I work a lot less.

No I wouldn’t give up your job but this is such a personal decision. There isn’t a right or wrong, so this is my experience.

I love working, using my brain and being with grownups - definitely a better mum for it. My whole life isn’t my children and while I love them dearly and they are everything they aren’t my world which is healthy.

I also think that showing them that a woman can be independant and doesnt need a man for money is important no matter how valuable running the house can be.

Children are happy if parents are happy and no one ever criticised a man for working and not seeing his children enough as well as saying he doesn’t have a great relationship with the because he doesn’t stay home. This stereotype is annoying.

Think of the experiences you can give your children. And with extra money get a cleaner. I don’t do any of the crappy house things being at home because we outsource. Being ant home isn’t all quality time if you are cleaning and cooking and tidying and laundry etc.

I tried being at home and hated it. Our house wasn’t really cleaner and not having as many holidays and spending real valuable time together wasn’t great.

Our family is happier that I work.

Agree, that feeling when you are on top of everything and call from school or nursery doesn't make you nauseous (because you need to ask 3rd time this week to leave earlier or call in sick).
I even saved more money when I was SAHM - no impulse take away because knackered , no last minute orders because I was overwhelmed and forgot jeans day at school, etc.

I sort of accidentally became a SAHM due to a combination of factors. It wasn't the plan but the plan didn't work out (mat leave/COVID/childcare). It's not something I wanted or came naturally to me. On the other hand, it was wonderful to be there for my twins before they started school and nice not to be throwing my entire salary at childcare. Like you, family isn't local so not much day to day support. Now I study while they are at school, and I also have the option to work freelance as well - which I will do more often once my course is complete. My time is mine to manage and time-related stress is rare, except when my studies are at their most demanding. We have support from family during school holidays when I'm often still studying. But I don't miss the sports days and can always make the school run, cover the sick days and make time for myself. We are lucky to be in a good financial position and my husband is relaxed and supportive. Yes, I do most of the housework, but he is very hands on at the weekend and I feel we share the load overall. It works well for us.

@Blueyrocks if you're struggling then go for it. I currently have 3 days to myself as youngest has started school and our family has so much balance and things just feel slower and more peaceful.

I know on here theres alot of scaremongering and protecting oneself financially but I would absolutely put my faith in my own DH.

I haven’t read the full thread, but have read your replies.

I’m in a similar position in that I’m currently on mat leave with my second child. I went back full time after my first and life was hectic - full time child care, long days, constant time pressure etc. we’ve decided that this time I’m going to ask to go back part time, and if the answer is no (it’s not a job you can easily do part time and can’t job share) then leave work. The hesitation for me is my first daughter loves nursery and I would want her to continue, which doesn’t make sense if I’m not working and also I’m hesitant that I’d enjoy being with my kids 24/7.

Anyway the approach I’m taking to it is any decision today isn’t permanent. You could have a break from work and yes you might not go back to the same job or earning potential straight away but the break was the right thing for you at this point in your lives.

i think also looking at what your net income after childcare etc is subjective as to how valuable that is to you as a family. The lack of stress, more time with your family, home cooking etc etc all has a value and it’s okay if this value to you is worth more than £15k a year…!

If you're being strategic, I'd wait until August and see how you feel with a cleaner, possibly premade meals like stocked and other time/energy saving options, but if you're really struggling to spin all the plates right now and feeling the effects of PTSD, is what you actually need some time off sick? You're sounding quite burnt out.

I think it's a decision you and your husband need to make very very carefully, and it sounds like you're doing that. And you need to be sure your husband wouldn't begrudge you spending money on yourself and that you trust each other to manage the finances. If that's the case, then becoming a stay at home mom could absolutely be the best thing for your family, despite MN's bias against it.
I was a stay at home mom for a long time and it took so much stress off everyone in the family. That was especially true once the kids were in school - sick days, doctor's appointments, after school activities, school runs were all covered without any issue. (And not always by me - sometimes by my husband when it fit around his work schedule.)

Your health is so important and this doesn’t have to be permanent. Just see it as a reset.

I took a few years off when the kids were little and it was lovely (to be fair I was ill - going through cancer treatment). But the principle is the same - look after your health and have a rethink career wise.

As long as you trust your DH financially. I do - the house is half in my name, we have access to the same money, he puts money in the joint account every month.

I eventually retrained and work part time in something family friendly. But it’s ok to take a career break.

I initially thought you should stay working, at least until the funding comes in and then review whether the extra income helped give you more breathing space.

However, would being a SAHM enable you to fully recover from your PTSD? Would you have the funds/support to deal with it so that when all the children are in school, you would be better able to cope with retraining and/or a more advanced job type?

If having time off enables you to heal and relaunch (sorry poor wording but hopefully you see what I'm getting at), then it may be worth giving it serious consideration.

Just do it. It will make life easier for everyone, so less stress.
Your OH feels work stress ... that won't change whether you are working or not.
What will change is that you will be less stressed and better able to make home a peaceful place for ALL of you.

It is so bad for children to be growing up in a whirlpool of rushing about and tension.
Take the time out and cross the employment bridge when you get to it.
As others have said, they have used any spare time to develop their skills ready for a return to work.
I took 5 years out and rejoined work with no trouble at all. We had a calm home life.

My brother has also suggested sick leave. But I worry it would feel dishonest because I am able to function mostly. I've pretty much only ever taken sick leave when I'm vomiting! He said I should, but I know he wouldn't. He just has double standards 😂

You could speak to a doctor and due to the PTSD they could well advise some time off. Then you would have been officially signed off.

Though if you feel that would stress you out more then taking a career break might be the best option.

@QuiltPlantCandle DH definitely wouldn't begrudge me money for spending on myself,but I might struggle to do that if that makes sense?

But yes, I don't want to miss the sport days and assemblies and all that - no one ever came to those things for me, and I would so much prefer my kids have someone there for them.

@Delatron so sorry to hear you had cancer, I hope you're recovered now. Thank you for posting. I am a bit afraid of taking sick leave, even signed off. I had a different career before kids, and sick leave was absolutely not an option, unless you were like not able to leave the bathroom sick. And this is a new sector and new job for me, I'm only a year in. But my brother has said all that you've said - get signed off, reset, health is more important, and I can maybe go back to work after a few years.