To quit work and be SAHM

[Blueyrocks]

I work part time. DH works full time and earns more than twice what I do. He also has much better career progression opportunities than my job would have I think.

We have 3 kids, one still in nursery, no funded hours, 3 days/ week. Combined with wrap around care for the older two, this means that me working brings in about £300/ month, sometimes less if we've hit the tax-free limit for childcare.

I like my job. My colleagues are lovely and the work is mostly low stress and not dangerous or difficult, just a nice office job. And my baby will get funded hours in August, and then my work will contribute more like £1300 or even more per month to what we have as a family. We have a mortgage but no.other debts.

But life is very, very busy. There's no leeway. Eg if someone gets sick then whole system breaks down. We have no family support and I have PTSD, which can randomly flare up and throw everything off balance. My kids seem happy in school/ nursery/ after school clubs, but often are a bit hyper on their club days, and dinner can sometimes be pretty rubbish on those days - fish fingers, or instant noodles. Not always,but more often than I'd like. And the house is messy, and rarely as clean as I'd like.

DH doesn't mind whether I work or not. He says life would be easier if I didn't, and he'd be happier as less stress. But that it's up to me to decide if I'd be happier and he'll support whatever I decide.

Would i just feel like my whole life was drudgery and miss the office job, and wish for the money I'll be earning in less than a year - holidays, and decorating the house nicer, wouldn't be as easy with just one salary. Or would all of that matter less than the relief of DH earning the money and me taking care of the house, cooking, cleaning, shopping, school run, sick days etc.

Any advice please??

YABU - stay in your job
YANBU - quit

I think as long as you've had a discussion about the long term impact of finances and both agree what support you each need and what is best for you all, then all is well.

I do think that too often people don't think really long term - it's a fact that you working less now means that either one or both of you will have to work longer before you can retire or that you'll have a smaller pension between you. Potentially you'll have less money available when the children are teenagers than you would have had if you'd been able to progress your career. But of course that needs to be balanced against what's best for your family now.

For us (we're slightly older parents) we looked at the effects of each of us reducing hours when the children were young on plans for paying off mortgage/supporting children through university/general life plans. And perhaps selfishly, wanting to retire as early as is reasonable. So there was a bit of part time until the children were in school then back to full time, sharing the load pretty equally between us. But had we been younger we may well have made a different decision.

Coming at this from someone whose dc have left home and who has been a sahm, worked ft and pt, and who is generally very pro women staying at home in the early years if it’s viable financially; I would say battle through if you can op 💐

If you are potentially willing to give up the money you earn now to become a sahm, then it might be a good idea to use some of your joint income, to buy some baby-sitting or mother’s help? Or housekeeping support? Have someone come in for three hours on a Saturday so you and your dh can have a break or you can sleep. And maybe some help with school runs?

Is your dh stepping up enough?

And whatever happens, please use this thread as a catalyst to develop some lines of very local and trusted child-care support that you can use in emergencies, whether that’s forming a baby-sitting circle or paying an active grandmother type who lives on the same street to be available when you are ill. You will need it.

Good, stress-free pt jobs are worth their wait in gold and it’s really worth struggling through these difficult years to maintain a link with the work world for when your dc are approaching the end of primary school.

The main reason I say this is for your own worth and self esteem.

I would urge you to think long term op. I understand how full-on it is for you now, but when you become the default person in the house for cleaning and cooking, the dynamic changes with even the kindest, most liberal of husbands, and sometimes even with the dc, and although your dh may not see you any differently, or love you any less, being dependent on someone else for money is not easy and ultimately, whoever makes the money, often has more weight when making important decisions about schooling, moving house, and home renovations.

Not because they don’t see you as equal, but it can be difficult yourself to feel that your voice holds equal weight and it’s a big emotional stress for the main earner to have everyone dependent on them. I think it also slightly changes your emotional relationship with your other half slightly when they are in a “look after financially” role.

When I was at that stage in life, working pt three days a week was my absolute favourite compared with being a ft sahm and working ft - it gave me the best balance - and offered the best of both worlds, allowing me to reserve a little bit of “myself” when the rest of the time was spent facilitating others,

Having said all of that, being a sahm mum I believe is a good, valid and much under valued role and I think people can make a success of it if their marriage is strong and they have a great deal of drive and inner self-discipline. After a number of years enjoying it, I ultimately became depressed as a sahm which did my dc no good at all, and I thrived much better with a three day job that imposed more structure on my schedule.

Ultimately, you know what is best for your family op, but I would very much encourage you to think about yourself in this equation too! Of course the family will benefit practically speaking if you are at home, that’s a no brainier, but emotionally, if you are not happy, neither your children or your marriage will thrive. Good luck with the decision!

When you describe your job it sounds like you love it op, why would you leave that? Obviously every house is different but I hugely regret becoming a sahm, dh was supportive to the point he started feeling bitter and like everything was on him and we’re struggling since. I also hugely missed having my own money, it was ‘our money’ but it wasn’t really. I returned to work but we’re now both bitter with the other. I think it hugely depends on your partner- it definitely killed our family, I know others with dhs that say ‘I’m lucky I can throw myself into my work because of my wife’s support’

I definitely don't love my job. I'm just very conscious it's a huge stroke of luck to have part time, well paid, safe and low stress job with nice colleagues amd I can WFH as much as I want.

But I think I'm easily overwhelmed because of PTSD. Someone asked why the heck we feed our kids instant noodles when they manage home cooked meals every day with 95+ hours of paid work. We mostly do cook home cooked meals, but I had a really bad week, flashbacks, dissociation and physical illness as a result of that. And that just throws everything out of routine badly. Plus DH and I both do exercise a lot, which is really important for my MH and just for him feeling ok in himself. So home cooked meals sometimes fall off the list. I do feel bad about that, but I just have lower capacity than a lot of other people.

it sounds like you have made up your mind. Just got for it. You don't need MN validation to give up employment.

The more I see, the more I believe every woman should have an independent income and not rely on a man's. Even if married.

Nope… I could never. For me, it feels like sacrificing independence, security, and a huge part of my future. What if we divorced? What if something unexpected happened?

Financially, I could afford to be a SAHM (I’m currently pregnant), and I know my husband would support that choice. But my mind always circles back to the “what ifs.” Right now, if something happened to my husband or his job ? I could cover our mortgage comfortably on my salary alone and still have money left over. My pension contributions are solid 15%, and that’s building toward long-term security for my family

If we divorced, or if something catastrophic were to happen, I know I’d still be able to stand on my own two feet. I’d qualify for a decent mortgage, I’d have my career, my pension, and my independence intact.

For me personally, that level of financial security and self-reliance outweighs the idea of being a SAHM.

I guess the thing I would think about is what you personally are finding overwhelming and how to fix that.

It's very personal. I find being with my kids 24/7 actually a lot more overwhelming than my job. I think because my job is much more under my control than my kids 😂

It doesn't to me sound like your job is the thing you are finding overwhelming - but more the domestic labour. There are ways to fix that without you doing all of it.

It might be a bit naive to think its easy to get work again after a break.

I think its mad to give up your career and financial independence and wholly rely on another person.

I gave up my job and it’s the best thing I ever did. I get to stay at home with my baby and pick up my older one from school every day. I know they are massively benefitting from it. I’m sleeping better, I’m less stressed and I have energy to exercise and take care of myself.
Maybe don’t give up work forever - I’m planning to do further training and go back into the profession once the little one is a bit older. But for now it’s absolute bliss.
I would say though that DH’s wage keeps us comfortably off - I can afford to do all the baby groups, nice holidays etc. It would be less nice if we were really tight because of it.

I have similar circumstances and I think what most posters miss is the impact of PTSD. It makes stress and juggling hard to deal with and for me, it can make my reaction to stress pretty extreme. I would say give up work if you think removing work would help you avoid overwhelm.

For me, I'm not sure it would work (and couldn't financially anyway) - I think I would still flip into overwhelm mode about as frequently while trying to balance everyone's needs and I would lose the social interaction and positive feedback I get from work. But I certainly do spend plenty of time fantasising about not working!

This. You only get so many years when the children are little. And also where they are incredibly demanding. If you can savour that time with them without going broke and can make life easier for your whole family, then do. I wish I had been able to. You don’t need to feel guilty about it.

Nap time , so I can reply a bit more fully now!

Thank you all for replying and being so helpful. It feels like a huge decision, and I definitely haven't made up my mind @Southshore18 ! The default is definitely to continue working. I've worked my whole life, and have no idea how I'd feel without a job. So I really do appreciate everyone's input.

On the questions about DH and how he'd be as the only earner, we've never been in that situation before (except briefly during maternity leaves). MIL was a SAHM so it is his normal. And FIL was really supportive, all money was joint, MIL had lots of hobbies, out for coffee with friends regularly etc, plus he did some of the housework after his work, even once their kids were adults and they had a cleaner and MIL had much less to do during the day. DH does plenty now, and based on all of this I don't think he'd become someone who saw everything domestic as my job. He's already saying that me going to evening dance classes would be easier than it currently is, because I'd have prepped dinner and done the kids homework etc. But it is impossible to say, isn't it? I trust him, but ultimately I don't know. And I'm from a pretty conservative/ patriarchal culture and family, I'd say, and the women worked so hard, and the men often didn't lift a finger beyond their paid work. So that's my normal. I might struggle with guilt at not doing everything.... I just don't know.

Financial independence - I hear you all. I really do. DH and I have been together nearly 20 years now (met v young), and I trust him completely. But how many women have said that Before? But tbh, if we split up I'd be screwed anyway, as my salary would barely cover the mortgage and bills.

I agree @Megifer that it's risky to assume I could rejoin the workforce. I'm quite an 'assume the worst' person, so my assumption now is that once I quit that's it !! I do have a pension already, and we'd get life insurance for DH, but...

I definitely wouldn't be bored. That's the only thing I'm sure of!

@Underthemoon1 thank you. I'm sorry to hear you have PTSD. It's hard isn't it. Good point though, that the positives of work may be having benefits that I'm not fully aware of, beyond financial...

@ishimbob you're right, it's not my paid work in itself that's overwhelming (though it's been a busy month) But it's not domestic stuff either. It's he combination, and the fact that paid work takes priority and that means home life is just a bit less smooth and calm than it could be. Which, like @Underthemoon1 says, I think I struggle with more than many because of the PTSD.

Taking a career break was the best decision ever. Remedied the burn out I was experiencing.

It entirely depends on whether how much of a provider mindset your DH is.

Will you have enough to top up your private savings and also a little into your pension pot?

Also, if you left your career how easy would it be to get back to it if need be.

I think you need to make sure if god forbid something happened you’d be able to jump back into your career and be the provider. If I wasn’t able to to do that i wouldn’t take the career break.

Also ensure you have a decent amount saved up as well if you’re down to one salary.

It can be the best decision ever however you need to have your ducks in order.

I would never give up my life like this. Who cares about his career opportunities, what about yours?!?

I would never , ever , financially depend on anyone. Getting divorced with a 5&7 year old will do that to you. Thank god I still had my career!

And like lots of you have said, it's such a few years when my kids are little. And my childhood wasn't great and I want the best for them. I want to be a calm, present, healthy mum. And I want them to have nice things, clean clothes and winter boots and stuff like that.

I just don't know whether me working, and the extra cash, will given them the best childhood, or me not working, and the extra time. Especially as I'm part time, and looking into arranging my hours to be school hours, term time only once baby is 3 (which would work out same salary, just longer hours during term. If work let me do that, then we'd have money, but of course would still need to manage the housework cooking etc... )

I don't know if it's relevant, but my birth family had enough money. Both parents worked. But addictions and violence and probably undiagnosed mental illness and four kids meant things were bad sometimes, and in addition to the worse stuff going on, I often didn't have clean uniform or school lunches even though we had the money for it.I don't know if my mum not working would have made any difference. I think unlikely. All that being a muddled way to say I'm afraid of my kids experiencing even the echoes of the chaos I grew up with. But I don't know if me not working will best protect them from that, or me working will.

@BluntPlumHam thank you for this advice. Naïve question probably, but how much would you say we should have saved if we did decide to do this? I have quite a big pension already (long story...), but not much of normal savings.

I don't think he'd become someone who saw everything domestic as my job. He's already saying that me going to evening dance classes would be easier than it currently is, because I'd have prepped dinner and done the kids homework etc.

I thought this was quite revealing.

You think he wouldn't see it as all your job but actually that seems to be exactly what he is saying here "you could have more free time as you could get all the domestic stuff done earlier" none of that is him doing more, it's just you doing it at a different time

And also the DH still being married to her or even alive....

Don’t do it. I was in the same position and rue the day I gave up my job, I’m back working now mine are at secondary school, but it took the best part of a year to find a job. I absolutely hated being a sahp, I love my kids but really missed adult conversation, and felt my brain rotting away. My husband also felt it meant he didn’t have to lift a finger (including weekends), it’s taken some serious backside kicking to get him to pick up the slack and realise he can’t just swan off for a jolly now I’m back working. Your husband has to get the idea into his head, that your work, while lower paid is just as important as his, and if the kids are ill, sometimes he’s going to have to take time off to look after them. I’m sure the more men do 50/50 the more work places will accommodate it, it’s crap that women still effectively oil the wheels of society, by picking up most of the slack when it comes to child care, yet we get zero recognition for it.
by giving up work you put yourself in a financially precarious position, and your pension will also take a hammering, you need to look at the long term consequences of giving up work.

Sorry @Gremlins101 but what is PRSI?

I am a big believer in giving things a go. Life is short. Try it for a year or two. If it’s boring or your DH is a pig or you miss the money, you will find another job.

Fwiw I know exactly how you feel. I work part time school hours with a short commute and 2 days wfh and I still feel like I’m frazzled and permanently on the edge. I don’t even have your mh challenges which sound significant. I think having a lot of kids (more than 2!) and no family support really does mean you are pushed to the brink when something happens (kid ill, you ill, multiple kids needing different things at the same time etc). My view is that assuming you can afford a basic, reasonable quality of life it’s better for kids to have parents who aren’t frazzled than to have extra holidays and stuff.

@ishimbob but he means, if I'm a SAHM, I can prep dinner during the day while he's working. The whole idea is that he would have less housework to do, if I'm at home. And I'd have less work to do, as my only work would be the domestic stuff. Definitely the idea isn't for him to be doing more housework, if I'm a SAHM. Just it would reduce the hours of work done by the family overall, so both of us end up with more time. Does that make sense?

If you can afford it then take it, you can get another job when the children are much older and more independent. I loved being a sahm for quite a while, im now back working full time now the children have become teens.