To quit work and be SAHM

[Blueyrocks]

I work part time. DH works full time and earns more than twice what I do. He also has much better career progression opportunities than my job would have I think.

We have 3 kids, one still in nursery, no funded hours, 3 days/ week. Combined with wrap around care for the older two, this means that me working brings in about £300/ month, sometimes less if we've hit the tax-free limit for childcare.

I like my job. My colleagues are lovely and the work is mostly low stress and not dangerous or difficult, just a nice office job. And my baby will get funded hours in August, and then my work will contribute more like £1300 or even more per month to what we have as a family. We have a mortgage but no.other debts.

But life is very, very busy. There's no leeway. Eg if someone gets sick then whole system breaks down. We have no family support and I have PTSD, which can randomly flare up and throw everything off balance. My kids seem happy in school/ nursery/ after school clubs, but often are a bit hyper on their club days, and dinner can sometimes be pretty rubbish on those days - fish fingers, or instant noodles. Not always,but more often than I'd like. And the house is messy, and rarely as clean as I'd like.

DH doesn't mind whether I work or not. He says life would be easier if I didn't, and he'd be happier as less stress. But that it's up to me to decide if I'd be happier and he'll support whatever I decide.

Would i just feel like my whole life was drudgery and miss the office job, and wish for the money I'll be earning in less than a year - holidays, and decorating the house nicer, wouldn't be as easy with just one salary. Or would all of that matter less than the relief of DH earning the money and me taking care of the house, cooking, cleaning, shopping, school run, sick days etc.

Any advice please??

YABU - stay in your job
YANBU - quit

I would say since you both have good jobs and you can cope with a lower household income you should look into your DH going PT to make things easier at home rather than you giving up work altogether. It means both of you can ramp up your career again in a few years when it gets easier with the kids. When they are all at school you can save hard for retirement and/or university living expenses.

Finally don't worry about sometimes giving them fish fingers for tea. I grew up in the 70s. My Mum didn't work, we were a middle class family who could afford plenty of food and she was an HE teacher before having kids so was a good cook. She did make her own bread and we 95% of the time got homemade soup for lunch (the other 5% was a tin of Heinz). But she still regularly gave us the following meals for dinner because she was 'too busy to cook': fish fingers, shop bought cornish pasty or sausage rolls, Findus crispy pancakes, vesta curries. All served with mash and boiled veg. We also did far fewer activities than kids do nowadays. Middle class mothers didn't work in the past but they also didn't do all the things we are expected to do as parents these days either. So please don't stress about the odd processed meal. You are at the hardest stage now but assuming you don't want anymore kids it's getting easier very soon and you can enjoy the primary years (think about rejigging your hours when your youngest starts school).

It may work fine when your relationship is strong but having one person bring in all the money creates a power imbalance. I get a lot of my confidence from knowing that I bring in just as much money as my husband (actually quite a bit more). The confidence isn’t coming from the money itself (I’m not particularly materialistic and we share our money) but the confidence it gives me is knowing I have my independence and could cope without him. He knows that too.

it means I can make my own decisions about my own social life and what stuff I need. I am not beholden to my husband about whether or not what I am spending my additional money on is acceptable (though obviously we do discuss bigger spending and wider savings goals of course).

My friend wanted to buy a new dress and put a carpet down in the living room. She can’t as she doesn’t have her own money and would have to get his agreement. I’d find that tough.

Just a small example and perhaps you don’t anticipate that as an issue if you’d have free access to all funds with complete decision making but anecdotally from threads in here, once women become SAHM the power dynamic seems to flip and they find themselves stuck.

I’d also consider how long you plan to be out of work. Is your job or career one that will wait for you or will you be out of the market too long to meaningfully rejoin.

will your husband pay a pension for you to cover your lack of contributions?

Just some things to think about

Of course my husband raised our children -we work as a team and always have done. I loved my job and was earning great money but we decided it was more beneficial for our children to have a parent at home. We firmly believe that both parents cannot have a career working long hours as something eventually gives mainly time spent with the children

My friend wanted to buy a new dress and put a carpet down in the living room. She can’t as she doesn’t have her own money and would have to get his agreement. I’d find that tough.

Of course both adults need to agree about flooring, regardless of who's paying! That's not an unusual situation?

Op, good thinking about insurance. We did that during Covid.

Of course both adults need to agree about flooring, regardless of who's paying! That's not an unusual situation?

After the great drinks cabinet debacle of 2005 in which DH repeatedly said no to every option I suggested but in particular and repeatedly no to the Habitat one he eventually said 'what we need is one the same size and design as the Habitat one, just not the Habitat one'. At which point I gave him a look and went and bought the Habitat one. He no longer gets a veto in how I decorate the house, but I will listen to positive suggestions.

Yes but his reasoning is because he wants to spend the money on something he’s more interested in for himself. She can’t take any steps to replace a damaged carpet because he says it’s not her money.

yes, lots of couples share money even if only one person earns it, but very clearly that doesn’t happen for lots of women who end up vulnerable on here with no access to their own money. That’s my point. Not whether they get one colour carpet over another…

Stay in your job and get a cleaner. Lower your standards. Don’t give up your independence and freedom. These early years will soon pass. It’s hard but I know I was a much nicer mother and partner because I was fulfilled at work.

I definitely always lean to women keeping some independence, for all the reasons stated.

But, if you're going to do it then you both need to set strong ground rules. You need to consider whether your dh will afford paying into a pension for you. I'd suggest seeing it as a career break, and setting a limit on how many years you're agreeing to be a sahm. I'd also want bullet proof reassurance over how finances will work - having a joint say in how money is spent, agreeing household expenditure, agreeing the amount you'll have for 'entertaining the children' with activities etc each week. And I'd be making it clear that I wasn't doing it to facilitate dh's essentially maintaining a single life (hobbies, late/ weekend working eating into family time etc) and that I wanted to share 'outside hours' chores as much as possible to ensure you have time for yourself. If all of this isn't feasible without your dh working more and more hours (and potentially using that against you) then I wouldn't be doing it. The dynamics do shift in these scenarios, so you need to be absolutely clear at the outset what you will and won't accept in order to protect yourself. This is still no guarantee of course. So you could also make it clear that if you begin to sense that the balance has shifted too much in his favour, you'll be going back to work.

@curious79 sorry if I'm being stupid here, but why would DH not being tight with money be a problem? He's really generous, do you mean he might be irresponsible with money and we'd end up with financial difficulties because of that?

And just to be clear, I don't mean my salary covers childcare. I mean in effect, for the overall family finances, my working contributes a few hundred quid a month after our childcare costs.

Tbh I think you already decided you were going to quit your job so don’t need others opinions.

Absolutely this

Just leaving work won't be healing, it's flight( flight, flight, freeze, fawn) it won't solve your issues longterm and other issues will crop up ( DH attitude, domestic drudgery, getting back into the work place, pension) and you will feel less and less able to cope with them if your confidence is eroded.

You say that you are cross-do you mean anger?
Yours? DH?

So by your logic, working grants financial independence and security from a man.

Forgive my ignorance, but how is working a way of maintaining independence and financial security from a man when the person you're working for is more than likely to be a man anyway? In which case, there are two men in your life; your husband and your boss.

Genuine financial independence and security is working for yourself. Preferably unearned income, ie stocks and shares, but that takes thousands of hours of reading, research and dabbling to understand well enough to make a living.

Lots of people are mentioning feeling confident and fulfilled because of work. I do recognise that that's the case for a lot of people. And I've worked my whole life except maternity leave, so I don't have a good sense of how much my self-worth is tied to work. My previous career, definitely, I did feel like my self-worth hinged on success in it - though that wasn't always a good thing, as it was wildly competitive.

My current job was always in part just to prove to myself that I could get another job when my first career ended (which it had to - it's a niche job that you can't really do past a certain age).

My current job, I'm not so sure. I really enjoy working with my colleagues - they're clever and fun. And I'm very conscious of how privileged I am to work in a safe, warm office, and be able to have a hot coffee when I want, and - once funded hours kick in - be better paid than many who do far more dangerous, difficult, and important work. But do I feel like, wow, I did a great job today, and something changed for the better as a result? No. I feel like I pushed some paper around, and it's not a bad way to spend the time, but definitely not like an expression or actualisation of my true self or whatever.

@bluebettyy I definitely haven't decided! Not a single woman on either side of my huge extended family has ever not worked - most barely took maternity leave. It would be a massive leap into the unknown in many ways. The default is definitely for me to continue working.

@Catquest by 'cross', I just mean both me and DH can get a bit irritable and impatient with the kids when we're overwhelmed and sleep deprived. I don't mean pathological anger issues.

@Whatafustercluck this is all really useful - thank you.

This is right - genuine financial independence comes from having capital. I think a lot of people are missing the point that OP has £400,000 in a pension fund in her own name (which will be growing). This makes her position very different to a lot of other women looking to give up work. Even if her husband did leave (not suggesting this will happen - just reassuring the doomsayers) she will still be able to afford her retirement.

I think the general rule is you need 10 x your annual salary in your pension pot to be able to afford retirement. A lot of women working full-time will not be on track for this (especially if multiple maternity leaves) but OP may be.

You're welcome. I should also have said that once you are receiving free childcare, you could perhaps look at using any 'spare' time for some professional development, volunteering etc - anything that demonstrates to employers if/ when you return to work that you've kept your skills/ experience updated. As you will know, women can find it very hard to find jobs once they've been out of work for some time, so this will make you immeasurably more employable upon your return and put you ahead of others.

Just to clarify a few things:

• I have a good pension already.
• DH going part time isn't an option, financially but also because he has a career with good progression, and is working on a big, complex project at the moment which will take at least a year to see through: he doesn't want to go part time, I don't want him to go part time, and we can't afford for him to go part time.
• I have PTSD, which is currently impairing my ability to juggle paid work, housework, and childcare. Removing one of the balls we're trying to keep in the air - by me quitting work - is one solution DH and I are considering. But whether this is the right solution isn't clear. As @Catquest said, it might just be 'flight' of another sort.
• I haven't been in my job long enough to take a sabbatical.
• Sick leave has been suggested, and is something both my husband and one of my brothers have independently also suggested to me. I booked an appointment with a psychotherapist as a result of this thread (paid from joint acct at DH insistence), and will talk about all this with them.
• I don't feel able to quit, or even take sick leave, for a few months because of work commitments. But I do feel almost on the brink at times, which DH and DB both see as a sign I have to take sick leave.
• I like my colleagues, I like my job, I'll enjoy the extra cash from August (oh, the plans we've made with that money!), but I also love hanging out with my kids, and - because of my own scary, volatile, violent childhood - feel something like peace at the idea of devoting the next decade or more to making my kids' childhood calm, healthy, warm, safe - clean clothes that fit, homecooked meals, days off school when they're sick, school holidays at home with me, all of that.
• This morning, I have to catch up on some work due in next week that I didn't have time to complete last week. And I have to pay all the childcare bills, which takes forever as we have four different providers (and yes, this is the absolute only arrangement we could find, because of demand in our area). Meanwhile, DH has taken the kids out, and I'm conscious that, if I didn't work, I'd be with them. This really does upset me.
• I had one of those really good days at work on Thursday - where you feel productive and valued. I spent Friday doing school runs, Asda with my baby, older kids clubs, laundry, cooking. I compared the two days, and Friday won for me, hands down.

I would pursue therapy before you make a decision.
I dont think it's wise or healthy to use your children to try to solve your issues.
It sounds perfect but I know a number of women who have done this and there are major issues once the children reach teenage years .

Surely you know the link between eating well and improved mental health? I would try to strike a balance here by eating better as well as exercising. some of the time spent exercising could be put towards meal planning so everyone eats well.

I am in my late 50s now so have some perspective, 3 kids uni and older.
I had 2 kids 18 mo apart and no local family so I continued with a from home role while the two were very baby/toddler (it was an on-call IT role which involved 2/3 phone calls a week to fix software problems, about £10k income to be available every day which was fine as I was grounded with 2 smalls!) I moved country and worked 1.5 days doing admin from home for a small company when kids were napping/evenings. Then had a third baby. Husband contracting abroad one week out of 4, one kid in primary, one pre school, one baby. Hard to hold things together.
At this point we took the decision for me to stop the PT role. It was too much juggling and one DC or other always seemed to be off sick. Dh had sufficient income to get us by.
When the baby was 12 months rather than go back to work I did a PT diploma which took me in a different week direction leading to a PT NHS role initially 1 day a week. 17 years later that NHS role was 2.5 days and I did 2 days a week self employed client work. Close to full time but still alot of flexibility in when I did my hours (some evenings/ weekends). It worked well as I was available when the kids arrived home from school. No paid childcare at all.
I would say, long way round... That being at home doing the school runs, cooking from scratch, going on picnics, not needing a cleaner, rooting around in charity shops for kids toys/puzzles, going to the library, looking for deals... Is such a good way of living. When you work too much, you need treating, takeaways as you are shattered, picking up expensive stuff from the shops as you are time poor, posh holidays as "we deserve it", nursery fees/extra clubs, two cars not one... Work and life evolves quickly. Do the maths. Good, capable people will always get work. People in the thick of it often can't see that things change. Your kids don't always need picking up at the school gate!
I would say you likely spend what you earn in your sort of situation because you need to as you are time poor. Stop the office job for now. Pick up something admin based from home if poss to give a bit of interest, be the treasurer of the local playgroup to build mum contacts and friendships and something else on your cv. Then as the baby grows... Grow the work to fit your family.
There is one important caveat. You must be married. That protects you and allows assets to be shared should the relationship flounder. You have much less/almost no protection if you aren't married.
Good luck. I hope you listen to those of us saying take a break and get back to work in a year or two ❤️ your kids will thank you for it.

I think you’ve already made your decision by the sounds of it? You sound like you want validation.

And I’m sick of this tripe people push, like in future years your kids will thank you for being a SAHM! Really, will they? My fabulous doctor worked full time when her kids were little and her kids thanked her for being a wonderful mother. Being a SAHM doesn’t necessarily mean you will be a better mother

Can you apply for sickness benefit for one year or ask your job if you can take a year out.
You are burning the candle at both ends.

@Willitbetomorrow
Why is the answer always that women have to give up their jobs instead of men stepping up?