To quit work and be SAHM

[Blueyrocks]

I work part time. DH works full time and earns more than twice what I do. He also has much better career progression opportunities than my job would have I think.

We have 3 kids, one still in nursery, no funded hours, 3 days/ week. Combined with wrap around care for the older two, this means that me working brings in about £300/ month, sometimes less if we've hit the tax-free limit for childcare.

I like my job. My colleagues are lovely and the work is mostly low stress and not dangerous or difficult, just a nice office job. And my baby will get funded hours in August, and then my work will contribute more like £1300 or even more per month to what we have as a family. We have a mortgage but no.other debts.

But life is very, very busy. There's no leeway. Eg if someone gets sick then whole system breaks down. We have no family support and I have PTSD, which can randomly flare up and throw everything off balance. My kids seem happy in school/ nursery/ after school clubs, but often are a bit hyper on their club days, and dinner can sometimes be pretty rubbish on those days - fish fingers, or instant noodles. Not always,but more often than I'd like. And the house is messy, and rarely as clean as I'd like.

DH doesn't mind whether I work or not. He says life would be easier if I didn't, and he'd be happier as less stress. But that it's up to me to decide if I'd be happier and he'll support whatever I decide.

Would i just feel like my whole life was drudgery and miss the office job, and wish for the money I'll be earning in less than a year - holidays, and decorating the house nicer, wouldn't be as easy with just one salary. Or would all of that matter less than the relief of DH earning the money and me taking care of the house, cooking, cleaning, shopping, school run, sick days etc.

Any advice please??

YABU - stay in your job
YANBU - quit

This is very true, and you're absolutely right to point it out in these terms: it's a lot of disposable income, once we get it. And yeah, I hadn't joined the dots and realised that, once we aren't paying it all in childcare, we could use some to get a cleaner, but that is true.... 😂

I'd also love to be able to help my wee brother out a bit more, financially. His washing machine broke recently and I just can't afford to give him the money for a new one. That wouldn't be an option if I'm SAHM, but in a year's time it's the sort of thing I can do if I stay in work.

Though, on the other hand, he's fairly nearby (45min drive. Just no help at all with the kids, which of course I don't expect, but that's why I said no family support). If I was a SAHM and all fell apart with DH, I think me and the kids could stay with my wee brother for a while at least, until things were sorted...

I think you can make it work as long as All money into one pot and you both agree the budget for everything ahead of time. (Watch Dave Ramsay on YouTube to see what I mean) You need to feel empowered to make decisions, financial and otherwise first, and both have a ‘family pot’ mindset where you both understand your roles. I would urge you to really examine this. Lots of women in my friendships (age 40s) only realised after giving up work that their DH wasn’t quite as willing to be equals as they first thought.

If you genuinely have financial ducks in a row then go for it. The relief will be immense and all of you will be happier. Keep thinking ‘what’s next’ as the months tick by and invest in yourself. Do some training or volunteering and keep your own career in mind. Return when you can and build something that is for you for when the kids grow and need you far less/move out.

Agree the finances that will be needed for this self investment too eg money for a part time OU degree, professional IT training, investment in your own business etc etc. This shows that you both recognise the impact of leaving work on you. That positions this plan as two people fulfilling roles that need doing currently rather than my identity is mum/doer of everything that is unpaid forever more. It shows you both value each others roles.

Cut your hours but keep your job?

You and your OH are a team. You work together for the good of all of you. Sometimes that will mean you are both out at work, sometimes only one, sometimes a bit of both. The aim is for things to run smoothly so people can lead peaceful and calm lives, and with 3 children that will often mean that 2 full time workers is not ideal.
Stay at home for a bit if you are both happy with that. Everyone will be able to relax and life will be easier.
You can go back to work when there is a bit of slack in the system when the children are older.
Families are under such pressure and if it is not necessary in your case then take some time out from work and enjoy your children.

I can't find the posts where people have said going SAHM had a bad effect on their marriage but thank you to those posters for the honesty. I do worry that DH will end up more stressed ,not less, if he's the only earner. And that will increase the whole family's stress, so I'll have to look for a job again and not find one as good as what I have now.

Thank you for this - he's employed. But these are the sorts of considerations that wouldn't have occurred to me. Of course I don't see us splitting up, but who does, so it's an important question.

Why dont you approach work and ask for a two year unpaid family leave. Worse they day is no.

Could you cut your hours in your current job? That would be quite a safe option.

It sounds like the main barrier to trying this is being afraid of not being able to find another job if you need to. I would have a good, rational think about how likely this is. Go on job sites, talk to people in your current workplace. Really bottom out that fear.

I completely understand people saying ‘keep your independence’ but on the other hand, the whole point of marriage is that you’re not independent.

If you want to then be a SAHM, alternatively get an evening job, that’s what I did when dcs were young

Sorry if I missed this, but why are you paying all the childcare costs if your husband is earning twice more than what you do?

You say in your OP "We have 3 kids, one still in nursery, no funded hours, 3 days/ week. Combined with wrap around care for the older two, this means that me working brings in about £300/ month, sometimes less if we've hit the tax-free limit for childcare. "

Is that actually true or are you skewing your perspective? If you share finances with your husband jointly then you are both contributing to childcare expenses.

@MellowPinkDeer @margegunderson I think you both asked about DH being SAHD, would he ever consider it, and why are we prioritising his career over mine (sorry if wrong posters!) Good questions, and the honest answer is absolutely no chance my DH would do this. Financially it wouldn't be possible, we'd have to move house which we wouldn't be able to afford. In principle, he might, though I think unlikely he'd want to.

Unfortunately his career just has better opportunities. Mine isn't likely to have many. So I'm not sure what the theoretical answers are, but the practical situation is that it's just not an either/or. He has a career, I have a good job.

Plus, I really do love being with my kids. So does he, of course, but I just mean it doesn't feel like a massive sacrifice I'm resenting, if that makes sense?

@ThatLemonJoker yeah, honestly, in no way whatsoever am I independent! My job doesn't give me that. And I'd still need support in one way or another if my marriage ends.

@SingingSands ah sorry if I wasn't clear. I just meant after childcare costs the family as a whole is £300/month better off with me in work. And much much busier. Does that make sense?

I took a break to be a SAHM when my daughter was around 20 months old. I found working, parenting & running a house very stressful and like I was constantly chasing my tail. I also felt like I missed out on a lot while my daughter was a baby because I went back to work when she was 9 months old once my mat leave ended. I don’t regret it at all but she is 8 now and I’ve decided to go back and have just been offered a job in the career I trained hard for and I’m qualified to do. It’s not always been plain sailing but I don’t regret it at all. I think if it’s something that will ease your stress, make home life easier and give you more time with your family while they’re still small then it’s worth it, especially as your income is very small after all fees. Good Luck OP 😊

This is a really good idea! I very much doubt work will let me, but it is worth asking...

If you truly think you'll be able to step back into a similar, PT role in a few years then I'd say consider it.

If not then I'd stick it out. PT work isn't as easy to come by as people think and the job market could shift quite a bit whilst you are taking some time off.

I gave up work about 18 months ago, but my DH pays me to stay at home, I have access to all family money and he pulls his weight (with a nudge sometimes) when he’s home. Our kids are both at secondary school now and in main it’s been great for us all. DH has climbed the corporate ladder, DCs can go to all the extra curricular they want as I’m around to taxi them, they come home to home cooked meals most of the week.
However, after finishing most of our house projects off, I did get itchy feet and have now started a very part time position which I can work as when suits me, which feels good to be part of a team and to be making a little bit of money and feeding in to my pension.

So, I suppose what I’m saying is, you and your DH need to be on board with what you staying at home entails, what access to money you’ll have and that weekends and holidays don’t all fall
on you.

Hi OP, how many days do you work? We were in a similar situation but my job was more of a career and would be very hard to get back into. I chose to work part time (2 days), have retained my role and salary and stayed part time now the youngest is at school. I love it and our life is so much easier as a whole. That being said, if my job was easy to get back into at any point, I would absolutely have had a few years at home. I could easily fill my time now over five days and would really enjoy it.

@ranoutofquinoaandprosecco can I ask what you mean when you say your DH pays you? As in, you get money put into a separate ACC of your own, on addition to having access to the family money?

@Blueyrocks yes, I see now, thank you for replying!

Also - you've given a little bit of your background on here and I just wanted to say that acknowledging your difficult background is totally valid in your decision here. You want the absolute best for your children and for them to have a stable and calm home life. You might be framing your decision to give up work as what is best for them, but it would also be healing for you, I think.

You've given great answers here and I think you should go for it (for what a stranger's opinion is worth!).

You sound confident that your DH will support you and you say it won't be forever. Life with 3 kids will ALWAYS be busy, but taking a few years off to reset the balance while they are young may be the best decision for your family right now.

@Blueyrocksabsolutely, he pays me an agreed amount each month into a separate account, mainly so I can spend what I want with some independence. To be fair it usually goes on DCs and house stuff! Then if he gets a pay rise or bonus I also get the same. Probably seems very transactional but I felt as if I needed my own pot of money if that made sense.

@Wethers121 I work 3 days/ week. I know this doesn't seem like a lot. But it just feels like too much for me/ our family, with everything else that we have to do.

But maybe that's just because it doesn't pay much, yet. Maybe once I get funded hours, all will be great!?

I would recommend it. Been a SAHM for 17 years with 4 DC. I study part time with the OU and will have completed my degree by the time the youngest is ready to move to secondary school and is independent. I have no regrets. I am a carer to three out of four DC too, with chronic health issues myself. No family support locally either.

Every family is different.

@Blueyrocksyes then I also have access to all family money as well. My DH is out for work a lot and fully agrees that he couldn’t have his career and a family if I didn’t do what I did at home. However, we have no paid help ie cleaner, gardener, childcare etc as I provide those services.

@SingingSands thank you this is so kind. I thinkyou're right- not working does feel (from where I am now) like it would be healing for me as well as maybe better for my kids. And DH (and actually my younger brother too) have both said similar things recently...