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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH leaving us for one day on hol AIBU

417 replies

Clareat2021 · 30/09/2025 19:46

Me, my DH and my 4yo DD are due to fly to a European coastal resort this weekend for a week. This is a much needed holiday, I'm knackered from a long stint at work with little break. We've paid a bit more than usual as well. Not sure if that's even relevant but adds to my feelings of this is a special holiday.

Anyway, an American guy 'L' we met travelling a few years back, my husband stayed in touch with him and they've met up in the UK twice since then in the last couple of years. L, randomly is travelling around the same area whilst we are there. Today, my husband has said he wants to leave me and our DD for a whole day of the holiday to meet with his friend (+ partner who he is travelling with) this would involve a lot of travel time. He wants to do it as he may not see him again for who knows how long.

I've said no, we only have one week, if he goes off for a whole day, that leaves me solo parenting and cuts into any potential sight seeing plans we may have otherwise done.

I think my DH is being unreasonable and selfish, he thinks I am. I now feel like even if I insist no, he'd obviously rather be elsewhere and time spent with me and DD is enforced and therefore no fun for anyone anyway. I am really cross.

OP posts:
Itiswhysofew · 30/09/2025 20:50

Seems a strange thing to want to do when you're on your family holiday for just a week. Why didnt he suggest you all go?

luckylavender · 30/09/2025 20:53

You’re getting a hard time OP but I agree with you. It’s not even local.

Fushoutofwata · 30/09/2025 20:53

Clareat2021 · 30/09/2025 19:55

It's 10 hours of travelling there and back.

Show quote history

Can both groups meet up half way - cuts down travelling.

sladtheinkaler · 30/09/2025 20:53

Is the travel part of the attraction? Like a road trip for him to see more of a foreign country? There's a difference between commuting Cardiff to Leeds in a hire car, or going Vienna to Prague by train and enjoying the journey.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/09/2025 20:53

Surely that amount of driving on unfamiliar roads with different rules to the UK, so more likely to make tiredness related mistakes, is just plain dangerous?!

I had to do a three hour drive and then the same back and I was really struggling for the last hour.

BauhausOfEliott · 30/09/2025 20:54

YABU. Spending one day ‘solo parenting’ a four-year-old at the beach or the pool isn’t a big deal and you don’t have to have enforced ‘family time’ 24/7.

However, it’s clear you’ve already decided what you think about this issue and you obviously have no intention of listening to anyone who tells you that YABU. I’m not really sure why you posted, unless you want to have the same arguments with people here that you’re presumably already having with your husband.

If you were just looking for validation and a place to vent, rather than actually seeking opinions, don’t frame it as ‘AIBU’. There’s no point in asking a question and then getting cross and being hurt when people don’t give you your preferred answer.

RubieChewsDay · 30/09/2025 20:55

YANBU if he has to travel that far then the friend isn’t actually in the area, he just in the same country.

Meeting up would be fair enough if it was closer to where you’re staying or if you were arranging to meet up half way or something but that amount of travel and time seems ridiculous.

toodleoothen · 30/09/2025 20:56

I would be upset too. It is certainly coded rejection, and it would he hard not to be saddened by it. Is this a pattern though - him choosing others/other entertainment over family time? Or a one off? If it is the former, I'd have a more serious think about it, and discussion with him, but if it is a one-off, maybe let him and it go? Sorry you are feeling sad and upset and that your holiday is getting marred by this thoughtlessness on his part.

Cornishclio · 30/09/2025 20:56

I think it is ridiculous for him to do 10 hours travel to meet up with a casual acquaintance. Why can’t they meet him halfway? It wouldn’t really bother me if he went off for a day but I would want a day to myself as well. Just because you are on a family holiday it doesn’t mean you need to be joined at the hip.

ainsleysanob · 30/09/2025 20:56

ErrolTheDragon · 30/09/2025 20:01

Are there really 4 yos who will get tire enough to sleep in the afternoon on holiday? Mine wouldn’t have for sure.

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Ha! I’m 41, husband 48 and our son is 14 and we all still have a little Nanna Nap on a late afternoon if we’re on a sunny holiday! Always have! We don’t on an adventure holiday bizarrely when we’re doing more ‘tiring’ things!

Dublassie · 30/09/2025 20:56

And surely nobod can safely drive that distance in one day ?

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/09/2025 20:56

Did you say the friend is American? That I think makes a difference to perception of distance.

I have a Texan friend and he messaged me saying he was unexpectedly over here for a few days and did I want to meet for a drink.

He was in Southampton and I am in the North Midlands! He didnt see the issue, now he has been over here a few times, he gets that driving longish distances over here is not the same as it is in America as we dont have the big wide interstates that they have.

Everyonceinawhile · 30/09/2025 20:58

Clareat2021 · 30/09/2025 20:07

Yeah I am because we met someone on a bar several years ago one evening and seen twice since and now my much longed for holiday is accommodating a 10 hour round trip to meet him. It's not about 'L' it's about it actually not being particularly convenient to incorporate, and not remotely about a family holiday. So yeah I am being a sulk right now, however, immature that may be.

Show quote history

because we met someone on a bar several years ago one evening and seen twice since

I think it’s odd that he bonded so much with this person, what did they bond over ? most people meet people on holidays and then never see them again because…..why would you

Selttan · 30/09/2025 20:58

YANBU it’s not just going to be one day though is it? He’ll be tired from the long drive so probably useless the next day and not want to do anything and your trip is only 5 days.

I think my compromise will be that L has to travel half way to meet him and he needs to be back in time for a family dinner so you still get some family time together that day.

Bunnycat101 · 30/09/2025 20:58

I’m a bit torn by this. When you first said he just wanted to go for the day I thought you were being unreasonable but I think the length of the travel tips it into being a bit excessive out of a week’s family holiday.

inamo · 30/09/2025 20:59

Lots of handmaidens here tonight. The men have to be accommodated. I wonder what DH response would be if YOU decided to do the same thing and leave your daughter and DH for a full day alone. I can guess, since you are a woman and should not do things like that whilst on holiday with your husband - meeting a friend indeed. How selfish of you.

The whole thing is batshit. Meet them near you or in your home town. Stand your ground, I think you are quite right to be unhappy about it.

Undethetree · 30/09/2025 20:59

10hr round trip?! How long would it take your DH to visit his friend once he's back home?

BauhausOfEliott · 30/09/2025 21:00

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/09/2025 20:53

Surely that amount of driving on unfamiliar roads with different rules to the UK, so more likely to make tiredness related mistakes, is just plain dangerous?!

I had to do a three hour drive and then the same back and I was really struggling for the last hour.

Obviously everyone’s different, but lots of people wouldn’t find it a big deal. My DP drives these distances, in the UK and abroad, pretty regularly and doesn’t struggle with it at all.

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 30/09/2025 21:01

I’d be pissed off too OP. A weeks holiday isn’t much as it is especially with travelling/unpacking/packing up again. A day is precious and having one day which wasn’t planned just ruins the whole chilled vibe.

I don’t think you can win. I’d suck it up and let him go. I think trying to arrange a meet up in the middle will be harder for your child and a faff! You don’t really know this person. I think it’s fine to be annoyed - but maybe just a plan a nice day for you both and ask him to return for dinner. - is that possible if his friend came nearer to you?

Dishwater · 30/09/2025 21:01

I think it’s weird personally when it’s a family holiday but I often find I am at odds with most people on MN. I don’t think I’ve ever had a partner that would like it if I did the same to them either. That said, you’ll have a horrible time if you don’t ‘allow’ him to go, he’ll resent you, you’ll feel like he would rather be elsewhere so at this point I would just say fine. I would certainly be wondering if my relationship is happy though if my partner wanted to spend a full day of a precious, expensive week away with a distant friend and partner instead of me and our child.

Winchesterway · 30/09/2025 21:01

I wonder, is this a regular occurrence where he gets free time and you don't? On the face of it, it's not an issue (I wouldn't mind my DH doing this with me and my 2.5 year old) but if it's part of a larger issue in terms of family time I can see why you're upset.

HK04 · 30/09/2025 21:03

Personally I’d hate to be with someone who tells me what I can or cannot do. Sod that. Equally wouldn’t put them on a lead either. Being considerate is a given but it’s not an unreasonable request to go see a friend and have a bit time on his own. There are plenty single parents solo parenting 24/7. One day spending quality time in a lovely location with DD is not a huge sacrifice. DH likely feels a bit resentful and suffocated. If so wouldn’t blame him. Surely it’s important that his needs are met too and you can dictate the other 6 days?

CheeseWisely · 30/09/2025 21:03

With several friends scattered around the world this is absolutely something I’d do if we were in the same region (I’ve flown to London more than once to meet friends travelling from Australia when their schedule doesn’t allow flying to me). In your circumstances it would be more fair if L were meeting half-way though, is he or can he?

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/09/2025 21:04

I would hardly call being 5hrs away local

but why can’t they come to your area for lunch

Milosc · 30/09/2025 21:05

Ten hours is an insane amount of travel time. He is taking the piss leaving you and your DD to go hang out with someone he casually met in a bar and he has hung out with twice over the past few years. That is pretty much a stranger he gets along with. If it was family or a close friend maybe, but this is absolutely absurd. Ten hours of travel will impact the day before and after plus cost more for the travel.

Why does OP have to compromise? Maybe she doesn't want her own day off but wants to be together because that is what they planned together as a couple. Now friend is thrown in the mix and he drops his family for him. Why does her DH just get his way because it's what he wants? This martyring syndrome that MN has so the poor widdle DHs won't be sulky is insane.

Just because others are okay with it doesn't mean you have to be OP. He can book his own trip to go play with his mate another time. And honestly, a good friend would not ask a man to leave his family on vacation and travel five hours to hang out. This whole thing is really strange and seems very conveniently planned.