DH leaving us for one day on hol AIBU

[Clareat2021]

Me, my DH and my 4yo DD are due to fly to a European coastal resort this weekend for a week. This is a much needed holiday, I'm knackered from a long stint at work with little break. We've paid a bit more than usual as well. Not sure if that's even relevant but adds to my feelings of this is a special holiday.

Anyway, an American guy 'L' we met travelling a few years back, my husband stayed in touch with him and they've met up in the UK twice since then in the last couple of years. L, randomly is travelling around the same area whilst we are there. Today, my husband has said he wants to leave me and our DD for a whole day of the holiday to meet with his friend (+ partner who he is travelling with) this would involve a lot of travel time. He wants to do it as he may not see him again for who knows how long.

I've said no, we only have one week, if he goes off for a whole day, that leaves me solo parenting and cuts into any potential sight seeing plans we may have otherwise done.

I think my DH is being unreasonable and selfish, he thinks I am. I now feel like even if I insist no, he'd obviously rather be elsewhere and time spent with me and DD is enforced and therefore no fun for anyone anyway. I am really cross.

Yes I guess this is how I feel. It feels shit. And for all those saying it's just one day, it's one day of a short, expensive much needed, much longed for family holiday that now is incorporating a 10 hour trip to say a random fella.

You could suggest that they travel to see you since you have a little one and join in your day?

I may just be projecting, but I’d have to be prettty desperate to see someone to travel 10 hours in a day just to spend a little time with them.

Well no. So you can’t win here. You know he wants to go, so let him go. You don’t want to force him to spend time with you, and that’s all that sulking is doing.

Get him to have DD for a bit the day before or after so you get some time, if you’ll need it, and then plan something you can all enjoy together. Make it the beach day that he misses, so it’s at least somewhat relaxing. Take her to cafes for treats, build sandcastles, that’s the type of thing I’d do with my nearly 4 year old.

Its one day of seven that he’d like to spend with someone he considers a friend, who is closer than they normally are. He wasn’t choosing them over you.

10 hours of travel how long will he actually spend with this guy? I dont see what the issue is solo parenting a 4 yo for a day at beach etc then next day he has a day with dd and you go do your sight seeing. 4 year olds generally dont enjoy this anyway

You are actually just trolling now, if you can't pick up that I'm sad and upset and instead just prefer to needle me then please just don't.

I’d be absolutely fine with it if I also got an equal amount of time for a spa day or a chill day with him being on child duty.

I kind of think it’s not much fun travelling with a young child, you might as well split it for some alone time if he’s having some.

Friend could be in the next town over. Get proof it's hours away. The chancers all of them!😊

Neither of you is being reasonable OR unreasonable. However you feel about L, your husband values his friendship enough to want to see him. That's not unreasonable.

But travelling 5 hours there and back to see him IS a bit unreasonable. He'll barely get to spend any time with him, which I'm not sure is worth disrupting your holiday for. I used to take my son's best friend with us on holiday in the UK and one of us would always have to bring him back half way through, and that day of driving really divided the holiday into two distinct halves, mentally. It does make a difference.

You are being unreasonable not even trying to understand your husband's bond with L, and also for pouting over a day of solo parenting - but I do think it's reasonable to feel like it compromises your holiday too much.

I agree with this. FWIW Op, I would feel similarly to you but don’t ruin the holiday over it.

It is one day with your daughter. Surely she isn’t that much of a chore. After a long stint at work, I would want a day with my daughter with nothing else I had to do.

You're not doing the 10 hours travel are you?
We once had an overseas family holiday with a 5yo and 6mo and dh wanted to spend a day doing his hobby as area we were in presented an opportunity he wouldn't otherwise get easily I didn't bat an eye in him going so I do not get the issue

This. A 5 hour drive to meet a mate. And then a five hour drive back. On the same day, driving on unfamiliar roads. When you are on a week’s holiday. Nah. It’s weird that your DH even thought that this was a good idea to start with.

Edited to add: just to be clear, meeting the friend isn’t weird. But the circumstances are. IMO

Im with you OP. Its all well and good saying you have a day out too, but I'm like you - I don't want a day to myself on a family holiday, I want a family holiday!

It doesn’t really matter how much travelling time it is, it’s not you having to do it. Your husband obviously thinks it’s worth it to see his friend. It’s still only one day out of your holiday, you have a lifetime together 🤷‍♀️
Id be pretty annoyed if my husband decided how I had to spend every day of my holiday.As long as you can have a day to yourself (if that’s what you choose) I really don’t see a problem.

@Clareat2021 many of us have said why can't L come to where your holiday is instead - can you answer that? Have you suggested it?

It wouldn’t bother me. In fact my DH is a cycling fanatic and always has a day or 2 where he rents a bike and goes off for the day when we’re on holiday. I’ve always liked having the day just me and my kids, lounging by the pool or the beach whilst he’s off exploring, especially as I work full time so relaxed hanging with the kids doesnt happen as much as I’d have liked at home.

I can understand why you don’t want more than 14% of your holiday to be interfered with, and let’s face it, your husband will be tired after 10 hours of travelling. Other than that I think it would be a lovely idea for you to meet up with this couple as a family. Not sure he’s really thought it through!

It’s your husbands holiday too and if he’d like a day to visit a friend I think that’s fair enough. As long as you are also able to take a day to do something you’d like should you wish to.

Yeah: no. Thats not on.

I really wouldn't fancy being stuck in car for 5 hours there and another 5 back!!

I don't see what the big deal is. I wouldn't care if DH spent a day of our holiday doing something he really wanted to do. It's one day.

I agree with you OP, sorry I could understand if the friend was an hour away or staying close by then fair enough you could let them catch up for a few hours etc.
But I wouldn’t be happy with 10hours plus away and driving 5hours each way.
Is this friendship one sided does this L make just as much effort to see your DH or is it always your DH making most of the effort to keep this friendship going?
only thing you can hope for is your DH will see some sense and not bother going or this friendship will sizzle out.

@Clareat2021 I think this sounds like heaven! 7 days together is quite intense, so embrace the day to yourself, and go do something that your DD would love. An aquarium, or find a local playpark, or book yourselves into a fun class of some sort.

The day bit isn't an issue - I think your DH is crazing wanting to do 10 hours of driving just to meet up with some random bloke for lunch!

Really would not be bothered. A 4 year old for the day is not that difficult....