DH leaving us for one day on hol AIBU

[Clareat2021]

Me, my DH and my 4yo DD are due to fly to a European coastal resort this weekend for a week. This is a much needed holiday, I'm knackered from a long stint at work with little break. We've paid a bit more than usual as well. Not sure if that's even relevant but adds to my feelings of this is a special holiday.

Anyway, an American guy 'L' we met travelling a few years back, my husband stayed in touch with him and they've met up in the UK twice since then in the last couple of years. L, randomly is travelling around the same area whilst we are there. Today, my husband has said he wants to leave me and our DD for a whole day of the holiday to meet with his friend (+ partner who he is travelling with) this would involve a lot of travel time. He wants to do it as he may not see him again for who knows how long.

I've said no, we only have one week, if he goes off for a whole day, that leaves me solo parenting and cuts into any potential sight seeing plans we may have otherwise done.

I think my DH is being unreasonable and selfish, he thinks I am. I now feel like even if I insist no, he'd obviously rather be elsewhere and time spent with me and DD is enforced and therefore no fun for anyone anyway. I am really cross.

I can understand why you'd want him to stay, but since this is a friend who lives far away and who he rarely gets to see, I think it is unreasonable to insist he doesn't go. If it was a friend he could see any time, it would be different, but he might not get the chance to see this guy for another couple of years.

I think you should tell him it's okay for him to go.

It's one day, get some time to yourself to relax and chill the following day

I must have had lazy kids haha, mine loved an afternoon kip

I agree with you, actually, I’d be a bit pissed off too. A week’s holiday is only six full days usually, and with such a long journey for your husband to meet his friend he’ll probably be quite tired the next day, too. You obviously can’t stop him, but I think your feelings of annoyance are valid.

Is the friend not even going half way?

I think him (either of you) having one day of the holiday to do something alone is fine, but 10 hours travelling in one day to spend a few hours with someone? I can't think of anyone I'd do that for, which would be raising some questions for me.

10 hours of travelling. Is that driving 5 hours each way, public rapport?

Because a 5 hour drive ain’t “in the region” imo (I do that Portsmouth to Sheffield and call it a long drive across the country!).

However despite that I wouldn’t stop him from seeing a friend he won’t see for a long time providing it is just a day.

Why not offer a compromise instead? Meet halfway together and find something there that will be interesting for a a 4yo.

Yeah I am because we met someone on a bar several years ago one evening and seen twice since and now my much longed for holiday is accommodating a 10 hour round trip to meet him. It's not about 'L' it's about it actually not being particularly convenient to incorporate, and not remotely about a family holiday. So yeah I am being a sulk right now, however, immature that may be.

It doesn’t make sense to drag your little one on such a long journey. But it also doesn’t make sense for your DH to miss out on this opportunity. I’d start looking for something to do which will help entertain your little one for the day. Start another thread in Travel asking ‘things to make it easier to entertain a 4 year for a day in (wherever you’re going) .
Then make sure you get an equal amount of time back for yourself over the remainder of the holiday.

Whereas I can think of a few people I would do that. In fact have done that for.

10 hours of travel time in a day is ridiculous tbh. That’s not close enough to warrant a visit on holiday and your DH will be knackered and next day will be a write off too. I agree that this effort for a travel acquaintance is excessive - an old friend or good friend, possibly. A week is not a lot of time for a family holiday and 1-2 days to see an acquaintance on his own leaves only 4-5 days of actual holiday - I don’t even count the arrival and departure days as full holiday days as they’re stressful. So you’re left with 3 full days together of holiday as a family?! No, my DH nor I would consider it as family holidays are for us to connect away from the grind not a chance to catch up with acquaintances. Might as well catch up on meetings at the same time if it’s being treated as a regular week at home!

It’s only a day.

The amount of travelling is bonkers but the fact of it wouldn’t bother me really. I feel like there are bigger issues that you’re annoyed about.

It's 5 hours drive each way, can't see a public transport option currently, but only just starting looking. I may suggest a part way meet up but not sure that's realistic either as it's the opposite side of the country. FFS. I just want to go on an easy restful family holiday.

Why can’t the friend meet your DH halfway? Why does your DH have to do all the travelling? If your DH is meeting his friend and their partner, why are you not invited?

I would be insisting on a meeting halfway with myself and DC attending too. If DH’s friend says it’s too far to travel then he’s not that much of a good friend expecting your DH to do all the work.

I would be livid too, a ten hour round trip is a return flight so the friend could visit your DH at home anytime.

Just pop along with him to meet L and partner.

Or.

Invite them over? Not a big deal.

Doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Did you miss the 10 hours of travel?

Like pps have said - it's only a day. I'd quite like this tbh; spend the day with my DD doing whatever we fancy. I think you're being very U and a tad dramatic.

Imagine the resentment he will feel at not meeting his friends because you’ve thrown a strop?

Small tufts over time turn into deep ravines.

It’s just one day!

Saying no, makes me feel like enforcing family time isn't fun when someone else doesn't want that, who enjoys feeling as if they have made their partner spend time with them?

Whatever you think of L, DH wants to see him enough to travel 10 hours. I have friends in far flung places and can and do contort my life occasionally if it means we can see each other. I think you are pissed off with your DH about other stuff TBH.

I agree that L should come to your H, not the other way round. Is your H more bothered about seeing L than L is about seeing your H?

I'm not sure why people think you're BU, I'd also get fuming at him for taking a big chunk out of your holiday. Is he secretly in love with L, or L's partner, or both? 😂

I was about to say you were being unreasonable but 10 hours travelling is absolutely ridiculous. Cant the friends come over to you and stay in a nearby hotel or air bnb for a night.

It's not just me though is it, it's our DD as well. I see your point but I'd have less issue with him going to America or flying off to meet him somewhere another time, not a 500 mile round trip on a planned family holiday.

I wondered if by posting I could be persuaded to change my view but I know I can't rightly or wrongly. I just totally don't agree with it

Are there issues in your marriage? Do you resent your husband for the division of labour at home? It feels like this could be about more than this one day of the holiday.