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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH leaving us for one day on hol AIBU

417 replies

Clareat2021 · 30/09/2025 19:46

Me, my DH and my 4yo DD are due to fly to a European coastal resort this weekend for a week. This is a much needed holiday, I'm knackered from a long stint at work with little break. We've paid a bit more than usual as well. Not sure if that's even relevant but adds to my feelings of this is a special holiday.

Anyway, an American guy 'L' we met travelling a few years back, my husband stayed in touch with him and they've met up in the UK twice since then in the last couple of years. L, randomly is travelling around the same area whilst we are there. Today, my husband has said he wants to leave me and our DD for a whole day of the holiday to meet with his friend (+ partner who he is travelling with) this would involve a lot of travel time. He wants to do it as he may not see him again for who knows how long.

I've said no, we only have one week, if he goes off for a whole day, that leaves me solo parenting and cuts into any potential sight seeing plans we may have otherwise done.

I think my DH is being unreasonable and selfish, he thinks I am. I now feel like even if I insist no, he'd obviously rather be elsewhere and time spent with me and DD is enforced and therefore no fun for anyone anyway. I am really cross.

OP posts:
Delatron · 01/10/2025 11:27

I see he has ‘mentioned options of staying elsewhere overnight to break it up’ so more expense and more time away. On a one week holiday…

BunnyLake · 01/10/2025 11:48

Delatron · 01/10/2025 11:27

I see he has ‘mentioned options of staying elsewhere overnight to break it up’ so more expense and more time away. On a one week holiday…

Totally unacceptable. I can bet he would not like it one bit if it was OP doing this.

BunnyLake · 01/10/2025 11:49

Cherrytree86 · 01/10/2025 08:13

OP might not want a day to herself but he clearly does. So she needs to respect that. Some people need a bit more space and time on their own or with people outside of the family than others. Not everyone wants “family time” to be their only social interaction. And that is absolutely fine.

On a one week family holiday? No it’s not fine.

ExtraOnions · 01/10/2025 11:50

Why are people focussing on the travel time ? The travel time is irrelevant… the question is “should DH get a day to himself on holiday” .. how he chooses to spend that day, be it 1 hour, or 10 hours travelling is his beeswax.

It wouldn’t bother me, DH is a bird spotter, and always has days to himself on holidays. He has a chance to go see things he can’t see at home, and I’ve always seen it as his holiday too. It’s all agreed before we go.

Tiswa · 01/10/2025 12:02

@ExtraOnions trqvel time isn’t irrelevant it takes a day from being say a day at work 9-4 to pretty much double that at least and a day away

if a meet up is that important @Clareat2021 why can’t a midway point be found because otherwise this is an expensive trip with cars and overnight stays

is it a normal dynamic that he has ideas that just aren’t practical and you have to bring him back down to earth and therefore seem the more controlling one

Duckduckagogo · 01/10/2025 12:07

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Clareat2021 · 01/10/2025 12:18

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This is quite rude, you have a small snap shot of something yet feel justified to make sweeping and quite nasty assumptions.

I've appreciated this thread but am going to ask for it to be taken down now.

OP posts:
BuckChuckets · 01/10/2025 12:20

Horsie · 01/10/2025 10:37

Hi OP, in your first post it really sounded like your husband was bound and determined to drive ten hours to see this man, even if it made you unhappy, which is what made me think he must be gay. I'm glad things have calmed down and it sounds as if he's not as insistent on the trip as it first appeared.

In a different post, I said that I love American accents and that American men sound like cowboys.

So I don't think your husband was called a gay cowboy - unless someone else said it! (Haven't read all the updates.) It was the American friend I said must have a cowboy-accent. Your husband a gay cowboy - LMAO!

I must say, it's a very funny image. How will you react if your husband appears in the bedroom one day wearing nothing but a pair of white sparkly cowboy boots and a Stetson? 😂😂😂

Brokeback Mountain= gay cowboys

Duckduckagogo · 01/10/2025 12:25

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Horsie · 01/10/2025 12:46

BuckChuckets · 01/10/2025 12:20

Brokeback Mountain= gay cowboys

Oh! Thanks.

BuckChuckets · 01/10/2025 12:47

Horsie · 01/10/2025 12:46

Oh! Thanks.

It's a great film, and this thread is actually making me want to rewatch, ha!

Dozer · 01/10/2025 12:48

A day on your own with DD at your accommodation would be much easier than an overnight or very long day trip. The problem here isn’t your unhappiness about this, it’s your H’s selfish want.

Horsie · 01/10/2025 12:50

BuckChuckets · 01/10/2025 12:47

It's a great film, and this thread is actually making me want to rewatch, ha!

It's an amazing film. Ex-H insists he has no trouble with gay men yet refuses to watch it. He's 100 percent supportive of his gay niece. I guess it's just male homosexuality he has a problem with. 🙄

Cherrytree86 · 01/10/2025 13:23

BunnyLake · 01/10/2025 11:49

On a one week family holiday? No it’s not fine.

@BunnyLake

why not?

BunnyLake · 01/10/2025 14:25

Cherrytree86 · 01/10/2025 13:23

@BunnyLake

why not?

Because I wouldn’t do it. I would not say to my dh oh by the way during this one week family holiday I’m going to visit that American friend, I’ll be gone all day because it’s a ten hour round trip. Nope just would not do that.

Why can’t he come to them? There’s no mention of a child with him and his partner. Let them do the work if they’re that desperate to meet up.

FrangipaniBlue · 01/10/2025 15:35

Clareat2021 · 01/10/2025 10:05

Wow this escalated.

We discussed it briefly again last night, he saw it as an opportunity to see a friend who he may not see for who knows how long. He mentioned options of staying elsewhere overnight to break it up and us all going. He says he's not spoken to L yet about possibilities so the option for them travelling to us has not been raised.

This thread got a bit dark with my husband being called a wank stain and suggestions he is a gay cowboy or into threesomes. Whilst others may be sceptical I am certain these are not motivating factors and he is not a wank stain of a husband. Nor do I 'drag my poor child' around for the benefit of the adults or do not want one on one time with her, the point being it would be a long time to be on your own with a 4yo, which of course I can do but wasn't what a family holiday was planned for.

I think he got an idea and voiced it before thinking, I reacted as I am desperate for a holiday and family time. With perspective, it escalated where it didn't need to and a discussion about possibilities was more rationale.

It remains my view that family time on an expensive, much needed holiday should be the priority, and, travelling 10 hours is not something I can get on board with but I am not controlling and when asked my opinion I said no.

Thanks for support and constructive comments. Truly it has helped me realise that if this is my problem, it's manageable and at least I am sure my husband is not a gay cowboy.

If nothing else this thread will be something for you come back to in times when you need a bit of a laugh 😆

jbm16 · 05/10/2025 16:38

RubieChewsDay · 01/10/2025 00:19

The OP has already said she didn't particularly want to have a day to herself, she wanted to spend time with both her DH & her DD on the expensive family holiday that she's been looking forward to. Why does her DH's last minute plan get to trump what they had already agreed as a couple to do?

Most relationships are about compromise... one partner dictating to the other only results in one person being happy and the other being resentful, the result will be the holiday is ruined for everyone.

It doesn't trump anything, but he clearly wants to see his friend, she wants him to stay, if it were me I would be looking for a solution where he's not forced to stay and be miserable, however would make sure I got something I wanted out out of the deal as well...

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