DH leaving us for one day on hol AIBU

[Clareat2021]

Me, my DH and my 4yo DD are due to fly to a European coastal resort this weekend for a week. This is a much needed holiday, I'm knackered from a long stint at work with little break. We've paid a bit more than usual as well. Not sure if that's even relevant but adds to my feelings of this is a special holiday.

Anyway, an American guy 'L' we met travelling a few years back, my husband stayed in touch with him and they've met up in the UK twice since then in the last couple of years. L, randomly is travelling around the same area whilst we are there. Today, my husband has said he wants to leave me and our DD for a whole day of the holiday to meet with his friend (+ partner who he is travelling with) this would involve a lot of travel time. He wants to do it as he may not see him again for who knows how long.

I've said no, we only have one week, if he goes off for a whole day, that leaves me solo parenting and cuts into any potential sight seeing plans we may have otherwise done.

I think my DH is being unreasonable and selfish, he thinks I am. I now feel like even if I insist no, he'd obviously rather be elsewhere and time spent with me and DD is enforced and therefore no fun for anyone anyway. I am really cross.

OP might not want a day to herself but he clearly does. So she needs to respect that. Some people need a bit more space and time on their own or with people outside of the family than others. Not everyone wants “family time” to be their only social interaction. And that is absolutely fine.

This is all so ott.

I'm with you. I'd be pissed off too. 7 days holiday are precious to me and by doing this he will mess it up, change the dynamic and you're left on your own.

I'd say the friend needs to come to you or nothing

We still have no idea why said friend is unwilling to compromise and travel half way to meet the DH who is in holiday with his family do we? Surely by the time the DH gets there it will be a maximum of 2 hours or so to spend with this friend before driving 5 hours back. Yet we are saying this is all normal behaviour. 10 hours in a car on holiday!

@Clareat2021Did you ask why the couple can’t come to you or meet your dh half way ?

Tell your dh to take the 4 year old with him on the 5 hour journey so you can have a lazy day.
He won’t though.

Fwiw my dh would never have countenanced such an idea. Anything over an hour is mad.

You need to switch your mindset. You’ll be on holiday, not stuck in the grind of home life.
Plan a girly day with your DD. She won’t enjoy sightseeing anyway - go to the beach, play games, have fun.
Then when Daddy gets back she can have fun with him while you read a book/whatever.

Stop focusing on the day you think you are losing, and focus on the day you are gaining with your DD, one to one.

How did he broach this with you OP?

Maybe because a 5 hr round trip is pretty large amount of time to take out of a holiday to meet up with a casual friend?

When Daddy gets back? Daddy is not getting back any time before the DD’s bedtime if at all that night let’s be honest. So a holiday evening alone for the OP too. And I love holiday evenings with DH. Even if we’ve done the odd separate thing in the day (not a 10 hour car journey).

A girly day with a 4 year old? They can be hard work. You definitely can’t take your eyes off them for a minute. And for all those saying OP can have a day ‘off’ in return. That will then be 2 days out of 6 on their ‘family’ holiday that they won’t actually be together.

Yes and 10 hours even more so. Madness all round!

I meant the next day, or another day in the week, not later that night after 10 hours travelling.

I think you need to change your mindset too. Having a day away from childcare completely on holiday is a lovely gift, but so is a day alone with your only child. There’s still plenty of time for whole days together as a family.

The thing is, you can’t “say no”. It may be irritating that he wants to be elsewhere but you aren’t his boss or his parent. We can’t control others.

Yeah we can agree to disagree. A family holiday is just that. I historically spent a lot my time alone with my children so wouldn’t be thrilled about it on holiday too whilst my DH concocted some hare-brained plan to see an acquaintance which involved a 10 hour drive.

I dont think its unreasonable just for 1 day while you're near ? You can have a chilled day . And have a spa day yourself 1 day ?

5 hours away is not near!

Wow this escalated.

We discussed it briefly again last night, he saw it as an opportunity to see a friend who he may not see for who knows how long. He mentioned options of staying elsewhere overnight to break it up and us all going. He says he's not spoken to L yet about possibilities so the option for them travelling to us has not been raised.

This thread got a bit dark with my husband being called a wank stain and suggestions he is a gay cowboy or into threesomes. Whilst others may be sceptical I am certain these are not motivating factors and he is not a wank stain of a husband. Nor do I 'drag my poor child' around for the benefit of the adults or do not want one on one time with her, the point being it would be a long time to be on your own with a 4yo, which of course I can do but wasn't what a family holiday was planned for.

I think he got an idea and voiced it before thinking, I reacted as I am desperate for a holiday and family time. With perspective, it escalated where it didn't need to and a discussion about possibilities was more rationale.

It remains my view that family time on an expensive, much needed holiday should be the priority, and, travelling 10 hours is not something I can get on board with but I am not controlling and when asked my opinion I said no.

Thanks for support and constructive comments. Truly it has helped me realise that if this is my problem, it's manageable and at least I am sure my husband is not a gay cowboy.

Excellent response OP 🤣 though I am sure some posters on here will be disappointed he’s not a gay cow boy and you aren’t a mother who despises spending time with your dc and/or are incapable of looking after a child all by yourself 🙈🤣
I was in the camp of yabu until the 10 hour thing. I hope you get it sorted.

Good for you, OP, I don't think you're BU and I hope you can work it out so your husband can see his friend without cutting into your family holiday!

But definitely also look for signs he's a gay cowboy, you never know (only joking, sorry 😂).

I wouldn't have a problem with this at all! Let him go see his friend. Just say to him you'd like him to take the parenting lead the following day while you do something you'd like to do.

Well done OP.
In the real world I think many women hearing this suggestion wouldn't tolerate such a thing and would think it both a bit odd, cheeky, and would not be on board.

Taking off like that mid holiday, to see an acquaintance is single man terriritory, not married man with a young child taking a much needed family break for a week.

I'll give him points for trying his luck however!

Hi OP, in your first post it really sounded like your husband was bound and determined to drive ten hours to see this man, even if it made you unhappy, which is what made me think he must be gay. I'm glad things have calmed down and it sounds as if he's not as insistent on the trip as it first appeared.

In a different post, I said that I love American accents and that American men sound like cowboys.

So I don't think your husband was called a gay cowboy - unless someone else said it! (Haven't read all the updates.) It was the American friend I said must have a cowboy-accent. Your husband a gay cowboy - LMAO!

I must say, it's a very funny image. How will you react if your husband appears in the bedroom one day wearing nothing but a pair of white sparkly cowboy boots and a Stetson? 😂😂😂

So why can't they go to you why does it have to be your dh going to them?

As much as I agree some of the comments were totally ott , I am not sure I agree that just as you’re desperate you get to dictate to your husband nor do I agree a day with your child is a long time, but maybe there is something unsaid there in terms of your child’s needs,

Yes and then a third of the family holiday is spent separately. OP has said this is an expensive, much needed family holiday for them to spend time together and it’s only a week.

I doubt OP will ‘take a day’ for herself. She wants to spend time as a family.