DH leaving us for one day on hol AIBU

[Clareat2021]

Me, my DH and my 4yo DD are due to fly to a European coastal resort this weekend for a week. This is a much needed holiday, I'm knackered from a long stint at work with little break. We've paid a bit more than usual as well. Not sure if that's even relevant but adds to my feelings of this is a special holiday.

Anyway, an American guy 'L' we met travelling a few years back, my husband stayed in touch with him and they've met up in the UK twice since then in the last couple of years. L, randomly is travelling around the same area whilst we are there. Today, my husband has said he wants to leave me and our DD for a whole day of the holiday to meet with his friend (+ partner who he is travelling with) this would involve a lot of travel time. He wants to do it as he may not see him again for who knows how long.

I've said no, we only have one week, if he goes off for a whole day, that leaves me solo parenting and cuts into any potential sight seeing plans we may have otherwise done.

I think my DH is being unreasonable and selfish, he thinks I am. I now feel like even if I insist no, he'd obviously rather be elsewhere and time spent with me and DD is enforced and therefore no fun for anyone anyway. I am really cross.

I would feel the same as you op. Would the mate do the same?! If yes then maybe he can do the travel. I would guess no though, because it sounds nuts to me.

Its ONE day for an opportunity he might not get again for years (or might be very expensive).

I wouldn't blink at DH doing this.

I've gone off and seen a band whilst he's looked after DS and vice versa whilst abroad before. Both were all day affairs.

You are being totally unreasonable.

I would also see it as a potential investment in the future. Having friends who live in different countries - even if you count them as acquaintances - has a lot of upsides if you maintain contact.

OP, you still haven’t said why it’s your DH having to do all the travelling? Especially if his mate knows he’s on a family holiday with a small child. Why can’t they travel to you?

But yeah, I totally get why you’re pissed off. I would be too. I’d feel differently if it was a lifelong mate he rarely got to see but taking a whole day out of a short holiday and travelling for 10 hours just to spend time with a bar rando he’s only met twice before is kind of shitty. If the guy was staying somewhere much closer it wouldn’t be such a big deal, but to decide to do this epic bloody trek he’s really prioritising a sporadic friendship over your family and your time together.

Plenty of posters seem to think this is totally normal and fine, but to me it would be a pretty clear indication of who he most wants to spend time with, so I’m not surprised you feel upset.

10 hours of driving in a day, in a country you’re unfamiliar with; will be utterly exhausting. If he does it, he’ll probably want to stay over as he’ll be knackered. It won’t be a there and back in a day thing.

your DH is being a mug for travelling 10 hours in one day!!!! Does he feel comfortable driving that distance on his own in a foreign country? Has he actually thought this through? Sounds madness.

He's being ridiculous. How far away does this guy live in the US? He may as well make a separate trip to see him there. He'll hardly get any time with him if it's 10hrs travel and it doesn't make any sense.

I'd be so uoset if I were you. It's a stupid idea and I'd be really offended. Stick to your guns and do so confidently - don't feel bad about his terrible idea being exactly that.

The ten hour round trip puts a different spin on it. Initially I thought you might easily be able to accompany, or that meeting in the middle or them coming to you could be straightforward. I understand your frustration even aside from the emotional element, because logically the costs seem greater than the benefits. Was it a case of them going ‘oh my god, we’re both in (same country); let’s meet up!’, and your husband enthusiastically offering to do the travel without really thinking it through?

As others have said, there are other ways to do this with less ‘cost’ (without precious lost holiday time, stress of long travel, etc). If these people are American and in Europe for a while, they might be able to fly relatively cheaply to the UK soon after you’re back. That might give your husband and his friend a more meaningful amount of time together. Presumably they can’t do much more than have lunch together as it is. If not, then I suppose he goes if he really wants to and that tells you it’s obviously very important to him. 🤷‍♀️

I agree, it is a family holiday.

Me too 🤷🏻‍♀️ but I have to remember that I don’t like very many people at all so that skews the way I see things. I wouldn’t drive 10 hours in one day to see anyone unless they were dying and it was my last chance. I suppose only OP knows if this is something her husband would do for a friend, she doesn’t seem concerned about that aspect of it so perhaps he is. But I’m with you, the mere suggestion of this would have been met with me struggling to understand the effort he’s willing
to put in.

To be honest I was thinking the same. Have you spoken to L yourself? Is it possible it’s not L he’s travelling 10 hours for. It seems like SO much effort for someone he’s met three times. I don’t know any man that would make this kind of effort mid holiday for a best mate let alone someone who’s barely an acquaintance.

Bet he doesn’t come back that evening. He’ll make an excuse to stay drinking with this ‘friend’ he met in a bar years ago 🙄 It will turn out to be an overnight stay. Who would travel 10 hours in the same day.

Fed up of hearing things like this. You’d never hear of a mother leaving her husband and child on holiday in a foreign country, to go meet another woman she barely knows.. 5 hours away ! Always men.

It doesnt matter how long he is travelling. He is gone for the whole day. The journey time is his problem.

make the day a beach / pool day, so you are not missing out.

it would irritate me too but anger is a punishment we give to ourselves.

I've just come back from a weekend visiting someone other people would describe as an acquaintance but really she's a very good friend who sees things very clearly that other people close to me do not.

You're disappointed. But he gets a day,you get a day. Truly see it as a gift. His holiday too. Its not like he's going overnight etc etc.

I would also feel extremely disappointed if my DP wanted to do this on a week long holiday.

Such a long day of travelling would mean they have little time to spend together for the effort, and it would impact the days either side for you guys as well.

It’s clearly bonkers and a crap use of time. Can’t they come to you?

I'm with you OP, it changes the whole holiday. He's an idiot.

I don't know the answer tbh, I may suggest it when we speak about it again, I was too annoyed before you properly discuss.

Can people stop screaming ‘handmaiden’, ‘pick me’ or ‘cool wife’ at any women who aren’t stressed by the same things as them?

It’s really fucking misogynist to assume that a woman who simply doesn’t have a problem with their partner doing something, because to her, it’s no skin off her nose, is somehow only holding that view because she’s desperately trying to please or accommodate a man. It’s the same sexist, reductive bullshit as men calling their friend ‘henpecked’ or ‘under the thumb’ because they’re happy to have dinner with their wife instead of having a lads’ night out.

This. It's unsafe.

It’s incredibly rude of him to want to arrange this. I would be really upset because it would indicate he didn’t value family time. Can’t he catchup on zoom and tell the friend he’s welcome to visit once you’re home?

I think people are missing the fact that its not just one day due to the travelling time. As some pp have pointed out, its the days either side too.

He will want an early night the night before as he will presumably be leaving early, so forget a nice leisurely dinner and a glass of wine on the balcony after the child is asleep. And the day after he will be exhausted, sleep in half the day and wont have the energy to do anything other than laze around the pool. So the OP spends 2 full days parenting alone out of a 7 day holiday. I would be fucking fuming!

ten hours how long is he seeing him for

i wsa going to say let it go but thats not in the same region thats like saying im just popping out to see my friend in necastle from the se

As I said I initially wondered whether seeing what other people thought would change my mind it hasn't, not a lot else I can say really

Brokeback mountain is beginning to make sense....😊 Is L's partner female? I couldn't resist, and I am sure the thought crossed other minds also.

The logistics of this are so bloody bizarre that I'd be wondering why my DH would be willing to travel that extreme distance just to catch up with a casual friend. The fact that L is not offering to come to you suggests that they want to be away from you full stop. And I also think DH will overnight that night too.

Absolutely crazy situation if you ask me. I'd go ballistic. Not because my DH is meeting a friend, but because of the circumstances, logistics and sheer batshittery of the arrangements.

This.

It's definitely a two way thing for me.

I've done it before and DH has done it before.

It's called earning credits so you can go do something fun yourself when you want to!

I think you doth protest too much.