DH leaving us for one day on hol AIBU

[Clareat2021]

Me, my DH and my 4yo DD are due to fly to a European coastal resort this weekend for a week. This is a much needed holiday, I'm knackered from a long stint at work with little break. We've paid a bit more than usual as well. Not sure if that's even relevant but adds to my feelings of this is a special holiday.

Anyway, an American guy 'L' we met travelling a few years back, my husband stayed in touch with him and they've met up in the UK twice since then in the last couple of years. L, randomly is travelling around the same area whilst we are there. Today, my husband has said he wants to leave me and our DD for a whole day of the holiday to meet with his friend (+ partner who he is travelling with) this would involve a lot of travel time. He wants to do it as he may not see him again for who knows how long.

I've said no, we only have one week, if he goes off for a whole day, that leaves me solo parenting and cuts into any potential sight seeing plans we may have otherwise done.

I think my DH is being unreasonable and selfish, he thinks I am. I now feel like even if I insist no, he'd obviously rather be elsewhere and time spent with me and DD is enforced and therefore no fun for anyone anyway. I am really cross.

🤣 I am voting for the selfish bellend option. Plus I bet if OP looked really closely at their lives at home she would realise he has selfish tendencies there too.

As an aside, what sort of friend - knowing their friend has a 4yr old and is on a week long holiday - would suggest a 10 hour round trip to meet up without offering to compromise and meet more centrally with all of them? Even the knobhead men I know wouldn’t expect a father on a shortish holiday to do that kind of round trip.

I think you need to make a deal with your DH that he takes the 4yo the next day so you can relax

You're unable to see the difference between driving for five or ten hours and driving for two? You don't get that this means the selfish wank of a gaslighting husband will be knackered the next day? If you have never made a ten hour driving journey, now you know.

As well as stealing the day from his wife, who did not agree to these terms and is not a single parent, he will have fucked the next morning too and there is no way he will be getting up to do parental duties in the morning.

Assuming he comes home that day at all of course. We won't pretend that there is not a strong possiblility he will end up just staying over because the trip is just too long to make back and he is just too tired from the trip there. Which he will be.

Additionally, OP has decided to drag her poor little child across country in a hot car for a ten hour trip too, to keep an eye on him. So her day gets spoiled, and the child's gets spoiled too.

What a lovely, relaxing holiday.

@Allthatshines1992

youre so right. People should dump all their mates once they get married otherwise they’re a shit spouse.

He would be selfish bellend wanting a roadtrip or whatever in both scenarios, that’s not a contrarian view. But what’s he getting out of this beyond that?

I feel like you don’t know that many men! I know of many guys that have had sex in the vicinity of their mates, not necessarily having sex with each other. For example lads at university going on sports tours, generally don’t consider each other gay but wouldn’t bat an eyelid at having sex in the same room as each other during a party.

Those lads age easily age up to be 40 year olds interested in swinging etc they don’t just suddenly stop finding that kind of thing thrilling.

SO just what is the relationship between DH and his friend? 5 hours travel to meet, then 5 hours travel back, so what just a couple of hours over lunch together?
I understand OP not wanting to do that with 4YO in tow; what I don't get is the attraction for DH. I have a good friend who can't travel and she lives in a city 3 hours train ride away. It's a very long day for me but I sometimes travel to catch up for a long lunch with her. Train leaves 6.45 am and is due back at 7pm.

What time is DH departing and returning, what mode of transport and how many hours will he actually see his friend for?

Stop stalking me

A PP posted: I wouldn’t be keen to go with him given how far it is.

Oh Christ, there's another possibility - that it's not a ten-hour drive at all, and the DH has said that to put OP off from coming, as he knows that it's not possible with a four-year-old.

This whole thing is REALLY WEIRD. The ten-hour drive, the fact that OP and DD are not invited...

Let's apply some logic here.

Assume the man and partner are on holiday a 5-hour drive away and it's all innocent. (Ignore the coincidence that they're going to be in the same area at the exact same time when the OP is only there for one week.)

What possible reason can there be for the two factions not to be meeting up halfway? Why would OP and DD not be invited when they are all on holiday together?

And even if the two men wanted to be alone, why the ten-hour drive? Why on earth would you not meet halfway?

Because then OP and DD would come, that's why.

It's the spoiling of the holiday that's the issue, if it was just an ordinary weekend at home he was planning this for, it would be sure crack on. Or even on the holiday heading out for a few drinks or lunch in a nearby town, no problem at all.

Travelling for 10 hours and very potentially not making it back and likely taking up 2 days out a much anticipated 7 day family holiday, leaving his wife to do all the childcare - not on at all. @Clareat2021 you're not wrong to be mad about this at all.

@Allthatshines1992

It’s a forum. People comment on each others posts. Did you not know that?

It's one, solitary day, OP! I think it's great that he can meet his friend. It's his holiday too! You're not joined at the hip - maybe you can do something by yourself on another day?

YANBU at all - I would be really annoyed and disappointed with H, you’re only away for one week fgs.
Why can’t this child free couple travel 10 hours to you/H
Your H is being totally U !

We're away at the moment. First hol with our 5 month old, my partner wanted to hire a bike for a day. Its his holiday and he needs a break from work etc too. I was happy to agree and I know he'll be happy to agree for me to do stuff when I want to. It'll probably put a damper on the holiday if you make it difficult

Told you once, now I'm telling you twice.

I would have had no problem with my DH doing something alone for a day. But I'd be very concerned about him driving for ten hours. That's an insane amount of time to spend driving to see someone.

Absolutely. It's not his holiday it's THEIR holiday. She did not go as a solo parent, she did not agree to being left on her own to parent for at least one day (and let's face it, it he will definitely not be up for parenting the next morning even if he makes it back on the same day) while daddy dearest relives his misspent youth.

But it seems that she is now going to drag their poor child out for a ten hour drive too. So instead of playing at the beach or sight seeing with mummy and daddy, their kid gets to watch daddy drive for ten hours - or more likely drive for five and then snore with a belly full of beer as their mother drives them back at midnight.

There's no way she's taking the child on such a boring, tiring and pointless trip because it will be easier to parent her that way than staying behind. So OP must want to keep an eye on him, which is fair tbh as it is all very odd indeed.

But OP should not be forcing her kid to make this pointless trip either, her day is being spoiled (and probably at least part of the next day too) but the child's doesn't have to be.

And the fact that he is trying to gaslight her into believing she is being selfish when it is literally the opposite thing is very concerning indeed.

He's a selfish, gaslighting wank and there is trouble brewing.

Quite.

I think we, as women, tend to forget just how pervy and sex-oriented most men are. I went through a wild stage after my husband decided he no longer wanted to be a married man, and it was an eye-opener. Thoroughly respectable men, like a teacher at a top public school and a head of a famous company, the things they liked in private! Online dating taught me a thing or two, as well. Most women have ZERO idea just how into sex most men are. I had no idea myself until I was much older.

The idea that a man would drive ten hours in one day to see someone who's just a mate - and exclude his wife and child - is 😂.

@Allthatshines1992

eh?? Telling me what?

I wouldn’t all go, but I’d take a day to lie by the pool and go for a stroll solo while dh parents solo. I know that eats into your family time but you need the r&r too.

Agree.

Couldn't really get worked up about that tbh but why can't they come to you as you have a child in the mix?

There’s no way DP would do this. The 10 hours of travelling is insane for some guy he’s met a few times. Why would he even think this is reasonable? L isn’t even in the region or nearby if it requires 10 hours of travel there and back. Just sounds silly and your DH needs to get his priorities in order.

Hiring a bike for a day is hardly the same as doing a ten-hour drive to go and see a randomer.

Anyway, if you're only on holiday for a week, I think it's a bit off to go off for the whole day by himself. A morning or an afternoon should be enough. Maybe different if it's two weeks. Although even then, I think it's odd to take a whole day. Holidays are rare and precious.

How on earth is this even remotely the same? Hitting a bike vs driving 10 hours to some other location to meet up with a so called American acquaintance…

🤣🤣 hiring a bike for the day versus a 10 hour round driving trip with added socialising time. Bless.

What about the cost of this road trip too?

OP did your dh come to you with a discussion about this? Or did he say I want to go?