DH leaving us for one day on hol AIBU

[Clareat2021]

Me, my DH and my 4yo DD are due to fly to a European coastal resort this weekend for a week. This is a much needed holiday, I'm knackered from a long stint at work with little break. We've paid a bit more than usual as well. Not sure if that's even relevant but adds to my feelings of this is a special holiday.

Anyway, an American guy 'L' we met travelling a few years back, my husband stayed in touch with him and they've met up in the UK twice since then in the last couple of years. L, randomly is travelling around the same area whilst we are there. Today, my husband has said he wants to leave me and our DD for a whole day of the holiday to meet with his friend (+ partner who he is travelling with) this would involve a lot of travel time. He wants to do it as he may not see him again for who knows how long.

I've said no, we only have one week, if he goes off for a whole day, that leaves me solo parenting and cuts into any potential sight seeing plans we may have otherwise done.

I think my DH is being unreasonable and selfish, he thinks I am. I now feel like even if I insist no, he'd obviously rather be elsewhere and time spent with me and DD is enforced and therefore no fun for anyone anyway. I am really cross.

No what is insane is him planning a 10 hour round trip to go for a drink in the middle of a family holiday. She's not the controlling one, he is for sulking when he doesn't get his own way and for making her feel bad when he is the one changing the plans that they had already made together.

Why are you acting like going on a family holiday is such an arduous experience for a man that he simply must have a day off from it? Poor thing, how horrible for him to have a wife that wants to spend time with him and their daughter together having fun.

And I will repeat, wanting to have a bit of time to do your own thing on holiday is fine, meeting up with a friend in the local vicinity is fine and all totally normal. The trip that the OP's husband is ridiculous.

Agreed - we went to Egypt and did a Nile Cruise and then Red Sea and decided the trip to Cairo at a similar length travel was too much

becuase realistically they aren’t actually in the same area at all.

he will be gone for a huge chunk of time in a weeks holiday it is ridiculous and you certainly shouldn’t be dragging a child into this

Tit for tat really isn't the answer when the OP actually wants them to be together not apart.

😆😆 I also wouldn’t travel 10 hours to meet anyone except family or a very close friend. Giddy up OPs husband I guess.

This would make more sense than taking time out of your holiday to do 10 hours travelling for a few hours. Don't make much sense.
He will be exhausted by the time it comes to travelling back. Probably will want an early night the day before, and too tired to do much the next day either. That's if he doesn't day he has had too much to drink or too tired to travel back that night.

For a long lost old best mate he was inseparable from in the past, it may make more sense to want to go through this massive effort, but for someone he has met twice it seems bizarre.

He's the 1 with the young child, if they are as desperate to see him as he seems to be them, why don't they do the travelling so you can all meet. They probably wouldn't want to take time out of their holiday like that though. A few hours when he arrives ain't taking much out of their time together

It really is ridiculous, isn’t it.

Would anyone do a 10 hour round day trip within their own country to meet up with someone they’d met on holiday and then a couple of times since? Would they even do a 10 hour round day trip to meet up with an old friend or relative? (I don’t mean if they were seriously ill or suchlike). Would anyone’s friends or relatives think that was remotely a sane idea?

It’s only one day, don’t be so controlling.

So what? What has that got to do with OP being annoyed that her partner wants to bugger off for a 6th of their holiday?

Alternatively you could say "you’re being totally reasonable- loads of parents have nannies that look after their 4 year olds so why should you have look after yours?" - also true but equally pointless

Meanwhile in the real world. One day out of six of a family holiday. No I wouldn't be best pleased either. And, no, I wouldn't want to be "rewarded" by a spa day. I want to be with my family on a family holiday.

I would have been interested to see the comments if it was the other way around and a wife or girlfriend wanted to leave her family holiday for a day to drive to the other end of the country to meet an old acquaintance. I think some of the responses on here would be very different.

I am very laid back about what my DH does and for how long but that’d piss me off. We’ve actually been in a similar situation- where us and our at the time 3yr old were in a country my DH’s were (about 2 hr drive away). We made it clear we aren’t up and driving with a small child (politely) so the 2 adults made the trip. It’s common sense .

L, randomly is travelling around the same area whilst we are there.

A 10 hour round trip is hardly "the same area".

are you sure your DH isn't pulling a fast one? What is the likelihood of this L character being in the same area as you precisely when you're going to be there on a 1 week break?

I do think that it's pretty shit of him to arrange a meet-up that will take him away from his child for at least one very long day. I wouldn't be surprised if he travelled there and then decided that 10 hours travelling in a single day was too tiring and didn't give him enough time to see his friend so he stayed overnight making it actually two days away from his family on a pretty short holiday.

Take him away from his child? He’s a lifetime of being a parent, we can all take a day away from our child and the other parent just cares for fhem. No one needs to be constantly with their child. The child will be fine. Guaranteed. And loving the trying to make it worse, oh he might stay over night too 😂

If it’s 10 hours of travelling, the friend is really not in the ‘same area’, is he? It’s like driving from London to Newcastle upon Tyne and back and no one would do that for a day!

Why is your husband so obsessed with this friend of very short standing? It’s excessive and would make me a bit suspicious.

You’re being really silly. If this was a DH telling his wife she couldn’t go to meet a friend for a day because be didn’t want to solo parent a 4yo, he’d be told to stop being so controlling.

It’s ONE day. You’ll be fine.

I think he must really want to see this friend, and it’s his holiday too. I’d be ok with it. We had an incident on holiday one year when DH had to rapidly travel home to deal with an issue and return late on the same day, leaving me with DC. It was actually great fun - we had a lovely time pootling about and playing on the beach, then were all excited for Dad’s return. It was rather nice to have (very brief) time holidaying without having to negotiate with another adult about what we were doing or where we we were going to eat etc.

You're getting a lot of shit on here OP, but honestly, I would be irritated.

If you're away for a week, you really only get 6 days with travel. And this isn't a few hours seeing a friend, this is up early/gone all day/back late, likely knackered. Doesn't feel very respectful.

If you say you don't want to go, will it end in a sulk on holiday? Because I couldn't be arsed with that either.

I would take it on the chin, and make a plan for yourself the day after he gets back. And then get yourself up nice and early, leave DD in the room with him, and plan a nice day relaxation. Swim, breakfast, walk, lunch, massage. Whatever really. Get some balance back.

But you'll really need to get in the mindset that it's for you to recharge (rather than tit for tat), so.it doesn't cause an argument.

Plan it now, and book some things in if you can, so everyone knows what to expect.

I think it is okay for your husband to want to be better friends with L. Men are often quite lonely and find it hard to make friends as an adult. It is fine for him to want to nurture a friendship he has built and you shouldn't dismiss it just because you don't have the same connection to the guy.

Women can sometimes think men feel less than we do. They arent as close or loved up by their mothers. Their best friends aren't as "besty" as yours. They don't feel quite the same about their kids as mums do. That's where it can be easy to think that your mum, or friend or relationship with your kid should come first, because you assume you feel more than they do.

I suspect some of this is that some Americans view Europe as quite small. I had a friend from Chicago who drove 2 hours each way to work in the city and couldn't really understand why people on mainland Europe aren't always popping from Germany to France, Belgium, Italy, Scandi countries because they're "so close".

5 hours is where I live in the SW to North Yorkshire. I only do that journey about 4 times a year for my own parents.

Your DH really isn’t being unreasonable.

Forcing him to be with you will cause resentment and ruin things.

I mean this kindly, but it’s not all about you. Be very careful because selfishness and possessiveness is a complete relationship killer.

Think about how this makes you look.

Yeah he kind of is. He is going full throttle on doing something which makes no sense and isn’t thinking it through. I imagine he hasn’t thought through the fact that to make to viable he will need to leave latest 4/5 in the morning and then presumably to make it worthwhile be back in the evening. That 10 hours of driving is over the limit for how much it is recommended that truck drivers drive for and that is if there is no traffic (9 UK US is 11) and they are experienced drivers

So to make it feasible driving needs to be shared either with a half way meeting point or with the OP

which then puts a 4 year old in a car for far too long

the only real solution is for a midway point to be agreed a 5 hour round trip is just about doable for a day

Why should she when the DH has given no thought to how this makes him look, or given any consideration to the practicalities of his plan?

If she was acting this way about a day out then fair enough, but he’s not even going to be back for dinner, and most likely breakfast and lunch the next day.

His actions are telling her that someone he’s met in a bar and caught up with two or three times is worth more to him than her and their child. So much more that he’s willing to do 10 hours of driving whilst being totally unwilling to see her point of view, or understand why this holiday means so much to her.

Take him away from his child- a bit melodramatic, and if parents need permission off another to do something i would say the permission giver has bigger issues