To ask DH to tell FIL to stop using our loo if he can’t clean up after himself?

[Septemberending]

We host my in-laws at least once a month for Sunday lunch and they pop round at various other points in the month.

Almost without fail, FIL will use the loo and it will be left in a disgusting state after - stinking as he hasn’t sprayed, water over the floor from where he hasn’t dried his hands properly and items such as the soap put back in the wrong place.

DH knows this greatly annoys me but won’t say anything - ‘oh, he’s stuck in his ways’ or ‘it’s only once a month’.

I’ve had enough quite frankly, and feel like it’s getting to ultimatum time.

I don't understand 'soap in the wrong place'. If it's on the basin, surely that's the 'right' place? If it's in the bath, under the rug, half-way down the stairs or put out with the bins, that would be 'wrong'.

OP says "water over the floor from where he hasn’t dried his hands properly"

Assuming he isn't cupping water in his hands and chucking it over the side of the sink then it's probably no more than a few drops, or maybe a couple of splashes if he hasn't shaken his hands off in the sink.

Would you really be annoyed if I picked up the soap from the right had side of the sink and put it back on the left?

And do you regard both of these as 'not cleaning up after yourself'?

I expect my guests to leave the bathroom clean and ready for the next person.

I'd say open the window, those sprays are full of chemicals wouldn't want him to spray anything.

Air fresheners are a trigger for my asthma, and unlike yours, my shit does stink. Don't worry, I won't come over!

Have you accepted you're being unreasonable yet, OP?

YABU - This is such a first world problem! 🙄 So there’s a bit of water on the floor (it’ll soon dry) and “items such as the soap are put back in the wrong place” 😳 Jeeez you sound like hard work! So move them back to the right place after they’ve gone. It’s not a big deal! Can you actually hear yourself?

If he often leaves it smelly, I’d just joke “I hope you’ve used the air freshener this time!” and wink. I’m sure he’d soon get the message. I’m with your husband. Stop making it such a drama and why would you want to make him feel uncomfortable?

Not possible in some cases, medical conditions etc. and I don't get all the fuss. Check the loo, wash your hands, put everything back and use air freshener if no window. I hate the stuff but each to their own.

We don’t use aerial chemical sprays so I’d not use one in someone else’s house. They smell worse than what they are trying to mask and are gross. Moving soap and washing hands a bit vigorously are hardly an issue.

Yabu. Just have a scented candle lit in there when they visit and get DH to move the soap back and wipe up the water. What a fuss over nothing

I think you are unreasonable!

Him Not using a spray... remember that for some using spray after a poo isn't a usual thing and is probably generational. Air spray freshener is a relatively new thing as aerosol sprays for loos would have been unusual in the 1950's/60's and maybe even 70's. If they don't use them in their house he probably wouldn't think to use one at yours. Also would you really go to someone's house and use their air freshener without asking? Some people have allergies etc. or hate using it.

Water on the floor - is towel close to the sink?

Soap in wrong place - couldn't get worked up about that!

My FiL (who is a bit eccentric and who I love!) used to often be found having a piss in my flower border outside the kitchen door on arrival rather than go to the loo (“it’s good for the flowers”), and now he is in his 80s I am pretty sure he wees in the small hand sink rather than the loo in the downstairs toilet. Rank old goat but would never raise with him. Have made husband clean up in the past though!

You sound really mean OP. I can't imagine noticing letting alone giving a flying fuck about anything you've mentioned. I'd find the combined smell of crap and Airwick or whatever far worse than the poo.

Poo stains down the pan is one thing you fail to mention so if that's not an issue then suck it up buttercup.

I have voted yanbu but the mess you describe isn't disgusting imo. Now my late in-laws left the downstairs loo in a disgusting state and my dh would always clean up after them. Our eldest is disabled and lives downstairs so mainly uses that loo and he didn't want her stepping or sitting in anything they left.
When my fil moved very nearby we actually banned him from using it and made him go home. May sound mean but it was beyond a joke how he left it.

We never use airfreshener because it's full of chemicals and we prefer not to breathe those in. Also, several in our family have (mild) asthma and some allergies, we try and keep the air as natural as possible. I do put drops of essential oil on the inside of the loo-rolls, our bathroom smells nice enough. After a poo we flush well and open the window.

This. Not worth raising an issue over once a month. Your DH has to deal with it - either he cleans up or he raises the issue.

The soap is put back in the wrong place? 😲😲😲😲
I'd go no contact. He sounds toxic.

Weirdo. 🙄

Deal with it being - moving soap from wrong place to right place and wiping a bit of water from the floor. Blimey…

Soap in the 'wrong' place? Some water in the floor? Not using an artificial air freshener spray? That is disgusting?

Oh op I feel for those who have to live with you 😂

Water and soap in the wrong place isn't 'disgusting'. I thought you were going to say there was shit everywhere.

I'd just make DH clean up after FIL. I think it might be a bit embarrassing to tell FIL to spray because he stinks and then telling him not to splash water on the floor or where the soap should go will just seem like he is being got at so getting DH to do the cleaning up seems the obvious answer.

Totally unreasonable. As people age, they need a bit more help and understanding. You perhaps don't know this yet, but you will, you will....

(I speak as someone who didn't know they were ill till last year, at 'only' 66, and now I need all the compassion I can get, including occasionally making a mess in someone's loo.)

He put the soap back wrong, left drops of water on the floor and forgot the airfreshner. And you want to tell him hes unwelcome to poo in your home?!?!

I thought you were going to say he left in unflushed or peed all over.

Surely you could just as DH to go spray it after him? Or get one of those reed dispensers?

I'm sorry, what's this about spraying? I've never heard of it, except in the context of male cats ... but I'm sure that's NOT what op means!

You should ask DH to tell his father, gently, that you need to keep your toilet clean enough to eat your dinner out of, should there be some emergency situation where it becomes necessary to eat your dinner out of the toilet.

Also that if the soap is not positioned exactly as found, this could lead to consequences much more serious that one might think, such as an infestation of wasps etc.

And drops of water on the floor near the towels are known to attract scorpions and bats. This is all just common sense and it's sad that he needs to be told.

Thank you! I was sitting there thinking about the smell: 'Erm... so because he uses the loo for what it's designed for, it's left in a "disgusting state"?'

Not everyone wants to breathe in a ton of chemical shit every time they have a crap (much prefer real shit as a lung contaminant - at least we've been building resilience to that for several thousand years), and water and a displaced soap is hardly the end of the world. It's certainly not 'disgusting'.

Honestly, my response to your whinge was similar to that in to Tamatoa's in Moana: '"Don't! That's my grandma's" - I ATE MY GRANDMA.'