To tell stepson’s girlfriend she’s not sleeping over again after what I walked in on??

[AutumnMum28]

DSS (17) has had his girlfriend over a few times now, I’ve been fine with it, they sit in the living room with snacks and films etc, nothing major. Last night OH was on nights and I went up early with baby (who doesn’t sleep 🙄). Came down about midnight because I’d left washing in the machine and nearly had a heart attack when I walked past the living room… let’s just say I saw FAR too much, blanket half on the floor, both of them half naked 😳 I honestly feel sick even writing this.

I didn’t say anything in the moment, just stomped upstairs, but now I feel so uncomfortable in my own house. I’ve got younger DC (10, 5, 17mo) and it just doesn’t sit right at all. He’s technically still in sixth form, under our roof, and I don’t want this kind of thing going on.

OH says “he’s nearly an adult, better they’re safe here than in the park” 🙄 but I don’t want my home turning into a hotel room. I don’t even know how to look her in the eye now, poor girl looked mortified too.

So AIBU to tell him she’s not sleeping over anymore? Or do I need to suck it up and accept it?

It’s often about so much more than just the bedroom situation

I want my teen daughter to feel like she can come In for breakfast in the morning wearing next to nothing and not have a man who is not her father or brother there. Day in day out.

And that’s just not example

He has no bedroom and no privacy! Poor lad.
You and your husband have kept having kids when there is not enough room to accommodate them.
Where are they supposed to go? A park bench?

Who is?

Why on earth are you having a fourth child when you don’t have enough living space for the three that already exist?

The fact that your DSS doesn’t have his own bedroom, despite living with you full time, changes this story considerably.

You essentially walked into his bedroom, during his private time with his gf. You are the one who should be apologising here; how awful for both of them.

How would you feel if your DSS walked into your bedroom unannounced while you were having sex with your DP?

You really need to give that boy his own room, can you shuffle things around? Concert the loft or garage? Make your three DC share and give him the box room?

The current set up clearly doesn’t work for anyone.

Babies don't magically appear either.

At some point, OP and her DH thought, hey, we currently have 3 kids sharing 2 rooms, why don't we have another one?

DSS has been on a sofa bed in the living room since he moved in full time last year.

This is so unreasonable that I'm LIVID for your stepson. Stay out of his room after bedtime til morning, that's the very least you can do for him in this situation. And, bonus, you won't see anything you dont want to.

What’s the chances that the OP is trying for another baby or will do soon enough?

Sure, she can feel how she feels. However, she has to put her children's (including SS) feelings ahead of her own squeamishness. Her SS feels like he wants to have sex with his girlfriend. 17, nearly 18, is hardly a 'young' age at which to be sexually active. It is a completely normal developmental stage. If she doesn't want the gf staying over, fine (I think that's pearl clutching and they will just do it somewhere less safe), but he still needs a space that is his because she can hardly ban masturbation!

You don't have a living room - he has a bedroom. Stop using his bedroom for other purposes. It's your fault you didn't plan for the number of children you have, not his. And it's perfectly fine for a 17 year old lad to have sex with his girlfriend in his bedroom. You shouldn't have been around.

Your house your rules, if you don't want them having sex in your house they don't do it. If they can't agree to that she can't stay over. If you do condone it make sure her mother is OK with it. How old is she?

I get he’s nearly grown up but surely in OUR family living room when the little ones could come down any time isn’t on??

But unfortunately the living room is also his bedroom. His Dad needs to have a talk with him about discretion on the (I'm assuming, rare) chance one of the younger ones go downstairs at midnight.

Exactly that.

Also, all children over 16 need their own bedroom, a desk at which to study/do coursework. If his father can't provide for all the kids maybe he should get a vasectomy and stop having them.

Then it’s his room. Back off. And sorry but one of them has a ‘Lego shrine’ while another is on the sofa. 😡

It's fine to decide you only want your children to live with you for many reasons but please don't tar us all with OP's brush. I would never dream of letting SD sleep in the living room, and she's only with us for a small proportion of the time. She also knows that if she ever chose to live with us the space would be there for her and that was taken into consideration when we chose the house.

So basically you walked into his bedroom without knocking? Yabu. Dont have any more kids if you can’t adequately house them neither.

He was shagging in what has to be his bedroom because you’ve chosen to have 3 more children with a man who already had a teen DS. What else do you expect him to do?

We’ve only got 3 bedrooms so DS1 has his little Lego shrine room, the 2 little ones (5 + baby) are crammed in the box room, and me + OH in the main. DSS has been on a sofa bed in the living room since he moved in full time last year. It’s not ideal but what can we do, can’t magic another room.

You change rooms around, that's what you do. BTW Dss is now DS1. Why has your 10yr old got a decent sized room to himself when two younger children are in the box and Dss has a sofa. This is all kinds of wrong.

Have you a dining room you could convert for him? Doesn't your husband feel awful treating his first born like he doesn't matter?

Poor kid, you allow his girlfriend to stay over in his bedroom and expect them not to have sex. If you don't want them to have sex, don't let her stay over.

Neglecting to say in your OP that the living room IS his bedroom is a massive drip feed that changes everything. Does he even have a door on his bedroom.

I'm with your DP on this. Other than if he has a door he should have closed it. If he doesn't have a door get him one. He deserves privacy.

Exactly says it all how she feels about her poor step son. God forbid ds1 packs the lego away to let dss have a proper bed to sleep in!

This! If you can't provide DS with a bedroom you need to treat the living room as his bedroom and not go in it for any reason after 10pm! Poor boy doesn't have a shred of privacy or dignity in this set up.

100% knew he wouldn't have his own room. Yes, you can't magic up rooms but you can re-arrange the current figuration so a person has preference over a Lego shrine 🙄
If the lounge is his bedroom then at a certain time of night it's out of bounds for everyone else. The lad deserves privacy.

"The amount of pressure on young people to start having sex at really young ages because they are told by peole like you it's normal and inevitable is actually disgraceful."

It is absolutely normal though. He's well within the average age for losing virginity and within the legal frame. This guy is mere months away from being deemed an adult so it's interesting you think sex isn't appropriate? Does something change in a couple of months when he turns 18 or do you think sex shouldn't be accepted for some adults either?

I'd say that shaming someone for having sex when they are legally able to do so and are in a presumably safe, healthy and consensual intimate relationship with contraception is disgraceful and very damaging. Imposing your values on a young person by shaming them, describing yourself as almost having a heart attack, stomping upstairs to make your discontent known passive aggressively, refusing to speak to him before he leaves for college in the morning or look at him, refusing to make eye contact with the gf and wanting to ban someone from their own home in reaction to them doing something they are allowed to do in three measly space you've afforded them as their "bedroom" is the definition of pearl clutching.

Essentially op and her dh have created this issue by refusing to create a proper private and dignified space for him.

So you basically barged into his bedroom without knocking?