To tell stepson’s girlfriend she’s not sleeping over again after what I walked in on??

[AutumnMum28]

DSS (17) has had his girlfriend over a few times now, I’ve been fine with it, they sit in the living room with snacks and films etc, nothing major. Last night OH was on nights and I went up early with baby (who doesn’t sleep 🙄). Came down about midnight because I’d left washing in the machine and nearly had a heart attack when I walked past the living room… let’s just say I saw FAR too much, blanket half on the floor, both of them half naked 😳 I honestly feel sick even writing this.

I didn’t say anything in the moment, just stomped upstairs, but now I feel so uncomfortable in my own house. I’ve got younger DC (10, 5, 17mo) and it just doesn’t sit right at all. He’s technically still in sixth form, under our roof, and I don’t want this kind of thing going on.

OH says “he’s nearly an adult, better they’re safe here than in the park” 🙄 but I don’t want my home turning into a hotel room. I don’t even know how to look her in the eye now, poor girl looked mortified too.

So AIBU to tell him she’s not sleeping over anymore? Or do I need to suck it up and accept it?

Sorry OP but you let your 17 year old step son's girlfriend stay over and then were surprised they were having sex? Or were you find with them having sex just not in a communal place? Could have seen this coming a mile off I think.

He was in his bedroom. If you don’t provide a private space for him what would you like him to do? It should be private but he doesn’t have that.
Your little children will soon be 17 and you’ll have to deal with this again.
Don’t walk into the living room when he’s in there.

OP is allowed to feel as she feels.

The amount of pressure on young people to start having sex at really young ages because they are told by peole like you it's normal and inevitable is actually disgraceful.

And it's disgraceful that you describe OP by that derogatory term " pearl clutcher" just because she has different values from.you.

In that case you need to treat the room as his private space during certain hours, and not be walking in unannounced, regardless of whether GF is there.

It's not YOUR family living room though, if you have given it to him as his sleeping space. He needs privacy; he has the right to space where he can experiment sexually, even if that's touching himself! How can he do that in a room where younger siblings might come down any moment? You have lots of options. Lego shrine becomes a double room with bunk beds for two of yours, with the youngest in with you and DH on a smaller bunk, and SS has his own room in the box room. Or you make the larger single work for 3 younger kids, or you and DH go to the living room. It is outrageous that a 17-year-old is not given his own space.

Why can’t he have the Lego room?!

I think it's time to give up your bedroom and for DSS to have a room and you as parents to have the living room sofa-bed especially if you believe the younger children will walk in.

If the sofa is his bed he needs privacy after designated bed time. Establish rules: e.g if it's after 10pm and the door sis shut it's his bedroom.

Had they let the door open?

Yep. This is how it has to be. He needs his own bedroom. Can't expect a child to live on a sofa permenantly.

You are being silly, of course they are going to have sex. Your DH is right its better they have sex in a safe place than outside/car etc. You need to allow them both privacy and if he doesn't have his own room, where do you expect him to have sex? Very naive of you.

what did you think they were doing given she is staying the night? I’d have assumed they were sexually active. The room issue is problematic, so I’d have knocked before I’d gone in, and perhaps reminded them it’s a public space with the DC likely to come down early etc.

You can tell her not to stay if you want, or you can do as I suggest, and expect them to take on board what you have said.

Ong and he lives with you guys full time?
this is awful. He absolutely needs his own room. Put baby in with you, other kids share and stepson has his own bedroom. What awful parenting (from his father)

So @AutumnMum28, it's obviously your kid with the lego shrine room???

WHY???

This

He doesn't have a bedroom, he sleeps on the sofa bed

This site makes me ashamed to be a step-parent sometimes.

This poor lad. Has to sleep on a sofa bed in the communal living room whilst all the younger kids (who don't actually really need privacy yet!) get to have their own bedroom(s).

How lovely of you.

The poor kid needs his own space. Imagine how rubbish he must feel that even the baby has their own space and he doesn't. It is the parents responsibility to provide and house their kids. Having him kip on the sofa doesn't cut the mustard. His dad is failing him. Can't believe you are letting the poor kid life like this.

Does the living room at least have a door? Ask him to close it in future.

I agree.
No space for himself, stepmum traipsing through at all hours to get washing out etc. It can't be fun can it. I know space can't magically appear, but the division of rooms here could be better. I'd feel like a real second class citizen. I know I shouldn't judge, but I can't help getting pissed off when people choose to have more kids than they can house. SS has been around 17 years, surely there was always a chance he'd need his own space?!

Why is he living with you and not with his mother, if he doesn't even have a room at your house?

I wouldn't let a 17yo's girlfriend stay the night anyway. But certainly not if they are in a room that's open to the rest of the household.

I'd say the vast majority of parents can count.

We have DD and SD. We can afford a 3 bedroom house. We can count to two and compare the number of children to the number of rooms and know that we now need to use contraception.

And take a deep breath OP - you have 3 kids so you can't be having a heart attack about the fact that people develop sexual relationships - and despite the fact that you must have plenty of experience of naked bodies, they were only 'half naked'.

In your shoes rather than coming over all Shocked of Tunbridge Wells I would re-assure the poor girl that is doesn't matter, I've seen it all before.

I assumed this is just his bedroom. Not sure why the Lego shrine bit is in there.
17 year old probably not keen to share with a 10 year old - though a ten year old and 5 year old could share (in second largest room) and the teen could have the box room - small, but just for him. Baby in with parents.

We’ve only got 3 bedrooms so DS1 has his little Lego shrine room, the 2 little ones (5 + baby) are crammed in the box room, and me + OH in the main. DSS has been on a sofa bed in the living room since he moved in full time last year. It’s not ideal but what can we do, can’t magic another room.

What can we do?

Well, you could put the 5 and 10 year old in together, baby in with you and let the 17 year old have the small bedroom. Although I doubt you're going to do that as your DSS clearly is at the bottom of the pile in terms of who gets priority.

She’s disgusting 🤮