To tell stepson’s girlfriend she’s not sleeping over again after what I walked in on??

[AutumnMum28]

DSS (17) has had his girlfriend over a few times now, I’ve been fine with it, they sit in the living room with snacks and films etc, nothing major. Last night OH was on nights and I went up early with baby (who doesn’t sleep 🙄). Came down about midnight because I’d left washing in the machine and nearly had a heart attack when I walked past the living room… let’s just say I saw FAR too much, blanket half on the floor, both of them half naked 😳 I honestly feel sick even writing this.

I didn’t say anything in the moment, just stomped upstairs, but now I feel so uncomfortable in my own house. I’ve got younger DC (10, 5, 17mo) and it just doesn’t sit right at all. He’s technically still in sixth form, under our roof, and I don’t want this kind of thing going on.

OH says “he’s nearly an adult, better they’re safe here than in the park” 🙄 but I don’t want my home turning into a hotel room. I don’t even know how to look her in the eye now, poor girl looked mortified too.

So AIBU to tell him she’s not sleeping over anymore? Or do I need to suck it up and accept it?

If this a wake up call to anything, it’s that you seriously need to rethink the bedroom situation.

Poor kid.

The fact that you didn’t think it was relevant to mention in your OP that the living room also doubles as his bedroom says a lot, were you just hoping that no-one would pick up on it and then you could feel justified in your outrage? frankly the whole “I went downstairs at midnight to get the washing “ sounds awfully suspicious, hoping to catch them in the act so you can complain at your DP how awful his son is?
if anyone deserves an apology it’s him, he had consensual sex with his partner in the only private space/time he has and you walked in on them and are now trying to make out he did something disgusting
I’m sure he feels amazingly wanted by you, all your kids have bedrooms and he doesn’t even get a private space in the middle of the night.

My parents slept in the living room when I was a teen so we could all have a bedroom and privacy. This is what you should do OP.

I dont understand why a room is being taken up by lego? Surely you would remove the lego so he can have a proper bedroom?

Is there a door on the living room so he can make it a private space after everyone else has gone to bed?

The situation with him not having his own space isn’t ideal, he should have a way to make it private, he should be expected to ensure that door is closed so that people aren’t at risk of walking in on him and his girlfriend and you and the others in the house need to respect that if the door is closed at night then the room is off limits.

A Lego shrine room?

As well as it being YOUR family living room, it also happens to be the only space the poor lad has in your home so where exactly would you like him and his girlfriend to spend time when he is with you?

You and your OH need to make some decent space for him, take one of your many other smaller children into your room for now. He won’t be living at home forever. And it is his home too.

Making a big fuss over this and saying 'you feel uncomfortable in your own home' because a 17 year old has had sex in it is highly pearl-clutching behaviour imo. Grow up

I disagree it is pearl clutching. We made it plain to ours that this was not acceptable as it’s a case of basic respect. DH and I don’t have sex at home if our kids are there, and haven’t done since they were of an age where they would know what might be going on. Respect works both ways. And no, it didn’t mean that they went out and did it behind a pile of dustbins either as we also had the talk re sex means a potential baby no matter how careful you are, future potentially ruined, being financially stable for kids etc, and thankfully they did seem to take that on board.

OP given the set up then YABU.
I also agree with your DP far better that they are in a safe space practicing safe sex then you being a prude!

DH and I don’t have sex at home if our kids are there, and haven’t done since they were of an age where they would know what might be going on.

What?! Seriously?!

You lost me at the Lego shrine room...talk about double standards.

You need to adequately house all of your children. Poor lad. The 'lego shrine' needs to go elsewhere and the room to be used for you or at least two of the other children, so that he can have the box room.

What else do your kids do besides having sex without you knowing about it? Because they do…

This!

And whichever of you has the conversation (I agree it’s ideally your DH, man to man) it’s addressed to your DS and not the girlfriend.

I do think this attitude towards sex is ridiculous and pearl-clutching. It is not disrespectful to have sex in your own house in your own private space. What is the difference between knowing your parents have sex in their own room at midnight, and knowing they do it in the afternoon when you are at granny's? Or in a hotel? It's weird and acting as if sex is some taboo rather than a completely ordinary, even mundane act.

I just don’t know what the right balance is, like I get he’s nearly grown up but surely in OUR family living room when the little ones could come down any time isn’t on??

It's his home too. You didn't have to keep having kids when you had nowhere to put them.

Kind of feeling sorry for the lad. Have you an attic or garage to convert for him?

The living room is the 17 year olds bedroom. No idea why you'd walk in there through night unannounced. If it's a through room ( to get into the kitchen) , the bedrooms need rearranged. It's not appropriate for a 17 year old to have no privacy.

OUR family living room

The problem is that it's not, is it. It's his bedroom, and it's doing double duty as the families living room. He needs some privacy, why can't two of the younger kids share?

This with bells on.

This. It's appalling that your stepson doesn't have his own room. I would put the baby in the box room, the two middle boys in the big bedroom as they will need the space for toys etc, and your stepson in the "Lego" bedroom. You can rethink in a couple of years

Your poor stepson. At 17 he needs his privacy.

I don’t think the Lego has its own room. The way I read it is the 10 year old has a room, the 5 year old and baby have a room and the parents have a room?
is it possible to have the baby in with parents and two younger boys share a room while DSS gets the box room? Or parents have the living room rather than DSS?
it is a bit shit for him to not have any private space.

DSS has been on a sofa bed in the living room since he moved in full time last year. It’s not ideal but what can we do, can’t magic another room.

No, but you could rearrange things so that at almost 18, and living with you full-time, he has his own room. All 3 younger children could share the master bedroom, you move into the next biggest room, and your DSS have the boxroom.

It's not appropriate for him to be having sex in the family sitting room, but the way you've arranged things means that the family shared space is also his bedroom. So I'm a bit in sympathy with your DH. Your DH and you haven't managed this well.

@InTheWellBeing Who is disgusting? The mother or the girlfriend?

OP, if you have a living arrangement where somebody is sleeping in your living room you can not go down to empty the washing machine at midnight. That just is the situation. Even if your step-son hadn't had his girlfriend there, you would have disrupted his sleep and invaded his privacy.

YABU here.

Unbelievable. Not the shagging but having a 'Lego shrine room' when you have a young man living with you who can have no privacy!

I agree completely with your husband on the whole walking in on them thing but he also needs to insist the Lego gets moved out and give his son has a bedroom and privacy! I hope he does that today for his son because this is just awful.

Where should the OP sleep, then?