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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell stepson’s girlfriend she’s not sleeping over again after what I walked in on??

598 replies

AutumnMum28 · 30/09/2025 14:10

DSS (17) has had his girlfriend over a few times now, I’ve been fine with it, they sit in the living room with snacks and films etc, nothing major. Last night OH was on nights and I went up early with baby (who doesn’t sleep 🙄). Came down about midnight because I’d left washing in the machine and nearly had a heart attack when I walked past the living room… let’s just say I saw FAR too much, blanket half on the floor, both of them half naked 😳 I honestly feel sick even writing this.

I didn’t say anything in the moment, just stomped upstairs, but now I feel so uncomfortable in my own house. I’ve got younger DC (10, 5, 17mo) and it just doesn’t sit right at all. He’s technically still in sixth form, under our roof, and I don’t want this kind of thing going on.

OH says “he’s nearly an adult, better they’re safe here than in the park” 🙄 but I don’t want my home turning into a hotel room. I don’t even know how to look her in the eye now, poor girl looked mortified too.

So AIBU to tell him she’s not sleeping over anymore? Or do I need to suck it up and accept it?

OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnMum28 · 30/09/2025 14:31

No he doesn’t even have his own room 😩 that’s half the issue!! We’ve only got 3 bedrooms so DS1 has his little Lego shrine room, the 2 little ones (5 + baby) are crammed in the box room, and me + OH in the main. DSS has been on a sofa bed in the living room since he moved in full time last year. It’s not ideal but what can we do, can’t magic another room.

I haven’t spoken to him yet, OH just sort of shrugged and said “he’s nearly 18, leave him be” 🙄 which is easy for him to say when he wasn’t the one who walked in!! I feel so awkward I can’t even look at DSS this morning, he just sloped off to sixth form like nothing happened. Not sure if OH will actually say anything to him either tbh, he hates confrontation.

I just don’t know what the right balance is, like I get he’s nearly grown up but surely in OUR family living room when the little ones could come down any time isn’t on??

OP posts:
DurinsBane · 30/09/2025 14:32

I would be like if it was my child (I appreciate this is your step child before someone says) ‘if you chose to do that elsewhere it is up to you, though I would rather you didn’t, but it does not happen under my roof’.

Halfaday · 30/09/2025 14:33

AutumnMum28 · 30/09/2025 14:31

No he doesn’t even have his own room 😩 that’s half the issue!! We’ve only got 3 bedrooms so DS1 has his little Lego shrine room, the 2 little ones (5 + baby) are crammed in the box room, and me + OH in the main. DSS has been on a sofa bed in the living room since he moved in full time last year. It’s not ideal but what can we do, can’t magic another room.

I haven’t spoken to him yet, OH just sort of shrugged and said “he’s nearly 18, leave him be” 🙄 which is easy for him to say when he wasn’t the one who walked in!! I feel so awkward I can’t even look at DSS this morning, he just sloped off to sixth form like nothing happened. Not sure if OH will actually say anything to him either tbh, he hates confrontation.

I just don’t know what the right balance is, like I get he’s nearly grown up but surely in OUR family living room when the little ones could come down any time isn’t on??

What bloody possessed the pair of you to blend families when it results in this living arrangement.

How does he manage to study?

Shoxfordian · 30/09/2025 14:33

He essentially is in his room though because he doesn't have a bedroom. Tell him to keep the door shut in future

Halfaday · 30/09/2025 14:33

I knew the poor lad wouldn’t have his own bedroom

Just knew it

TheatricalLife · 30/09/2025 14:35

Well, his bedroom IS the living room so what do you expect really? They very obviously didn't expect people to be up and around at midnight, it's not like they were at it midday while the kids were up. It must be shit sleeping on the sofa.

wandererofthekingdom · 30/09/2025 14:35

It's not your living room then is it, it's his bedroom. He's doing what young people do, would you rather they be in the park getting it on?
Saying you can't even look at him is very prudish, you're best off making light of it.
You need to rethink your living arrangements. Perhaps baby in with you and two younger ones together?

QuaintGreenFawn · 30/09/2025 14:35

Can you change the bedroom arrangements?
5&10 year olds share.
17 in box room
1 year old in with you
Or kids sharing get your room, teenager next biggest. Baby in box room. You on sofa bed.
Teenagers need their own space.

randomchap · 30/09/2025 14:35

So essentially, you walked into his bedroom without knocking? It may double up as a sitting room during the day, but at night it's his bedroom and he's entitled to some privacy.

SingingOcean · 30/09/2025 14:35

So where would be acceptable for him to have sex if not his “bedroom”?

Allthatshines1992 · 30/09/2025 14:36

AutumnMum28 · 30/09/2025 14:10

DSS (17) has had his girlfriend over a few times now, I’ve been fine with it, they sit in the living room with snacks and films etc, nothing major. Last night OH was on nights and I went up early with baby (who doesn’t sleep 🙄). Came down about midnight because I’d left washing in the machine and nearly had a heart attack when I walked past the living room… let’s just say I saw FAR too much, blanket half on the floor, both of them half naked 😳 I honestly feel sick even writing this.

I didn’t say anything in the moment, just stomped upstairs, but now I feel so uncomfortable in my own house. I’ve got younger DC (10, 5, 17mo) and it just doesn’t sit right at all. He’s technically still in sixth form, under our roof, and I don’t want this kind of thing going on.

OH says “he’s nearly an adult, better they’re safe here than in the park” 🙄 but I don’t want my home turning into a hotel room. I don’t even know how to look her in the eye now, poor girl looked mortified too.

So AIBU to tell him she’s not sleeping over anymore? Or do I need to suck it up and accept it?

How old is your stepson's girlfriend? Communal areas aren't for this type of thing.

PumpkinPieAlibi · 30/09/2025 14:36

Every day this site convinces me that I will never remarry if my husband dies. Blending does not work and it's the children who always suffer.

wandererofthekingdom · 30/09/2025 14:36

Allthatshines1992 · 30/09/2025 14:36

How old is your stepson's girlfriend? Communal areas aren't for this type of thing.

Show quote history

It's not fair to think of it as communal it is his bedroom.

pinkyredrose · 30/09/2025 14:36

Why did he move in with you when you didn’t have a room for him? Must be pretty miserable for him having no privacy. Can your other kids go in bunkbeds and stepson has the box room?

Lavender14 · 30/09/2025 14:36

If you shut this down and have a big reaction then you can be sure he won't come to you guys if he's stuck with something. So even though it's natural you have the ick right now, you need to think long term about what sort of relationship you want to have with him.

Your dh needs to have a conversation with him about boundaries in the house, where is appropriate for this type of intimacy and where isn't, consent, the impact on younger siblings and the rest of the family etc and he needs to get him to apologies to you. But he needs to do it without shaming him.

I think if you're allowing her to sleep over then he's doing to most likely do these things and your dh is right, better it's under your roof and with support so he can ask for help than god knows where in secret figuring it out alone.

If it helps clear the air you could also have a similar conversation with her and check if she needs anything/encourage her to go to her gp if she needs info on contraception etc. Ideally her parent would do this but who knows if they are. But only if you can get over your self enough to do this in a genuinely warm and supportive way without embarrassing her. The poor girl. You're a grown woman,I know everyone has their own comfort levels when it comes to sex and intimacy and nudity etc but not being able to look at her is a bit much and probably horrible for her visiting your home.

ARichtGoodDram · 30/09/2025 14:37

Did you have to go into the living room to sort the washing machine?

It's totally inappropriate for you to be cutting through your DSS's bedroom space at midnight - regardless of where in the house that it and regardless of if he has company or not.

He's been on the sofa since last year - by sofa do you mean sofa bed? The lad hasn't actually been on the sofa for nigh on a year?

pinkyredrose · 30/09/2025 14:37

randomchap · 30/09/2025 14:35

So essentially, you walked into his bedroom without knocking? It may double up as a sitting room during the day, but at night it's his bedroom and he's entitled to some privacy.

Exactly.

Protosaber · 30/09/2025 14:38

AutumnMum28 · 30/09/2025 14:31

No he doesn’t even have his own room 😩 that’s half the issue!! We’ve only got 3 bedrooms so DS1 has his little Lego shrine room, the 2 little ones (5 + baby) are crammed in the box room, and me + OH in the main. DSS has been on a sofa bed in the living room since he moved in full time last year. It’s not ideal but what can we do, can’t magic another room.

I haven’t spoken to him yet, OH just sort of shrugged and said “he’s nearly 18, leave him be” 🙄 which is easy for him to say when he wasn’t the one who walked in!! I feel so awkward I can’t even look at DSS this morning, he just sloped off to sixth form like nothing happened. Not sure if OH will actually say anything to him either tbh, he hates confrontation.

I just don’t know what the right balance is, like I get he’s nearly grown up but surely in OUR family living room when the little ones could come down any time isn’t on??

Eh what? You’ve a SS sleeping on a bed in the living room, he’s allowed his girlfriend over but they can’t have sex because it offends you?

Were you never 17?

Protosaber · 30/09/2025 14:38

Baby in with you, two other boys in bulgier bedroom, SS in small box room with a small double?

QueenClinomania · 30/09/2025 14:38

Well, that makes things harder.

Maybe have a rule where the room is his between X pm and Y am and he keeps the door shut and you knock if you need to go in.

If it was me I'd give him a door wedge to use to keep the young children out overnight.

ExposedCankles · 30/09/2025 14:39

I was with you before you said it’s actually his bedroom. What else is he supposed to do? Tell him to make sure he closes the door from now on though I imagine they’re both so mortified they will anyway.

CurlewKate · 30/09/2025 14:39

Does the living room have doors? If so, it becomes DSS’s room between, say 10.30 and 7.00. Doors absolutely shut. If the others get up they come into your room. As you say-not ideal, but the best of a bad job.

Lavender14 · 30/09/2025 14:39

AutumnMum28 · 30/09/2025 14:31

No he doesn’t even have his own room 😩 that’s half the issue!! We’ve only got 3 bedrooms so DS1 has his little Lego shrine room, the 2 little ones (5 + baby) are crammed in the box room, and me + OH in the main. DSS has been on a sofa bed in the living room since he moved in full time last year. It’s not ideal but what can we do, can’t magic another room.

I haven’t spoken to him yet, OH just sort of shrugged and said “he’s nearly 18, leave him be” 🙄 which is easy for him to say when he wasn’t the one who walked in!! I feel so awkward I can’t even look at DSS this morning, he just sloped off to sixth form like nothing happened. Not sure if OH will actually say anything to him either tbh, he hates confrontation.

I just don’t know what the right balance is, like I get he’s nearly grown up but surely in OUR family living room when the little ones could come down any time isn’t on??

Just read your update: This is either his bedroom and he lives there or it's your living room and he doesn't have anywhere that's his. He's still technically a child. 17. Not an adult. I think if you move him in then you make a space for him properly.

I think you actually need to agree boundaries for the rest of the family while he's using the living room as his bedroom. And that means him keeping the door closed and other people not going in after a certain time to give him some space and privacy.

Bringitonicancope · 30/09/2025 14:39

It's your home too OP.

You should have a say in who gets to sleep over in your house, especially given you have young children living there.

You need to talk to your H and lay down some ground rules. I mean is this young woman a long term girl friend or is she a casual fling? Surely there must be clear boundaries otherwise his son can just bring random women back for sex. And if she is to be allowed to stay then there must be rules and about discreet behaviour.

A lot of pp on MN seem to have no problem with teenagers bringing people in to the family home for sex but it's not something I would personally allow.

Lotsnlotsoflove · 30/09/2025 14:39

I think you are being a drama queen. They are 17 - of course they are having sex! Just tell him to do it in his bedroom and not in the lounge. Making a big fuss over this and saying 'you feel uncomfortable in your own home' because a 17 year old has had sex in it is highly pearl-clutching behaviour imo. Grow up.

Edit to say: If you haven't given him a bedroom, what do you expect? He is almost an adult and entitled to have sex with his gf. If an older teenager is living with you, your job is to provide them with the space to live their life.