To tell stepson’s girlfriend she’s not sleeping over again after what I walked in on??

[AutumnMum28]

DSS (17) has had his girlfriend over a few times now, I’ve been fine with it, they sit in the living room with snacks and films etc, nothing major. Last night OH was on nights and I went up early with baby (who doesn’t sleep 🙄). Came down about midnight because I’d left washing in the machine and nearly had a heart attack when I walked past the living room… let’s just say I saw FAR too much, blanket half on the floor, both of them half naked 😳 I honestly feel sick even writing this.

I didn’t say anything in the moment, just stomped upstairs, but now I feel so uncomfortable in my own house. I’ve got younger DC (10, 5, 17mo) and it just doesn’t sit right at all. He’s technically still in sixth form, under our roof, and I don’t want this kind of thing going on.

OH says “he’s nearly an adult, better they’re safe here than in the park” 🙄 but I don’t want my home turning into a hotel room. I don’t even know how to look her in the eye now, poor girl looked mortified too.

So AIBU to tell him she’s not sleeping over anymore? Or do I need to suck it up and accept it?

My dd is 17. It’s relatively normal to allow a committed boyfriend or girlfriend to stay over by 17 or 18. I have friends with dc this age and they allow it. Some people insist on separate bedrooms when this happens. Most don’t. Dd hasn’t had anyone over yet. She has only had one boyfriend for a couple of months and she was 16 at the time and having him stay over wouldn’t have been appropriate.

So you walked in to his "bedroom" without knocking, late at night when everyone was in bed and caught him and his girlfriend in a private moment and you haven't apologised? You're pissed off with him for perfectly normal behaviour in his own space? You are so unbelievably unreasonable. Give this child a bedroom of his own or an arrangement that affords him some privacy at the very least.

in a house where one of the kids that are OP’s has a fucking Lego shrine room. Seriously?

Lego room is the child's bedroom

I was with you until you said he doesn’t have a room. So really they were in what is his bedroom, at midnight - a time when they would reasonably expect privacy.

Does the living room have a door?

I’d text him to say that you don’t want to walk in on that again and you don’t want your children to do that either. Keep it short and sweet but don’t miss him…

Or you could put a lock on the living room door to make sure he can stop anyone getting in accidentally. I hadn’t read the full thread at the time…

The right balance @AutumnMum28 is to house your children (all of them!) appropriately. If you put your DS in the living room then you lose the right to complain about what he does in there.

I expect the embarrassment of being caught will make them more careful about closing the door in future, without anything needing to be said. If he doesn't have a bedroom, I'm not sure what they did wrong (other than forgetting to shut the door)! Presumably they're not getting it on during the daytime when the kids are awake. 10 and 5 year olds can be taught to knock if a door is closed, so it seems unlikely they would see anything.

But neither the children nor OP should be going into his only space of privacy in the middle of the night?

The situation is this space becomes his bedroom at night time, not merely the living room as you keep saying. Having sex with his gf in his bedroom late at night at the age of nearly 18 is perfectly normal behaviour and certainly doesn't suggest he doesn't have the maturity to be having sex. You have a very prudish outlook on this.

'And I fail to see why the whole family should have to alter their sleeping arrangements just so a teenage boy can work on his sexual experience.' That is not what is happening at all. It is his BEDROOM. We also don't know how often the gf is coming over. Who said the whole family needs to alter their sleeping arrangements simply so he can have a shag? Literally not one person. Most of us agree he needs some privacy though! Sex aside, what if he had been getting changed when his dear old stepmum decided to idle on by at midnight? Would that be ok?

If I ever need to enter my stepson's bedrooms I knock and wait for an answer before barging on in because I respect their privacy and don't want to see something I shouldn't. Maybe OP should take a leaf.

He’s 17 years old and your living arrangements mean he has zero privacy at the age when he most needs it. Your son has a room to himself for his Lego and your almost-adult stepson has nowhere.

If he’s going to have to sleep in your living room, there needs to be a point at night which that room effectively becomes his bedroom.

I don’t think you can expect a near-adult relationship to be restricted to holding hands with the door open.

Even if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he would still need privacy from you and his younger siblings at 17, for reasons I would have thought pretty obvious.

I feel really sorry for him, to be honest.

Turn it into a positive. You need to have a full and frank conversation with your son and his GF about contraception and whats going to happen if they are careless. Trust me, they are going to be doing it whenever and wherever they get the opportunity so first priority is no accidents.

By involving his GF in the conversation you give trust, you recognise the relationship and you let them know, you know.

Whether she sleeps over is a completely separate matter. At 17 my DD had her boyfriend stay over from time to time. They didnt take the piss and they were respectful. At 18 i cant remember the last time he stayed over because they have busy lives, its usually when they are going out on a night out.

Bedroom fine, communal areas absolutely not fine. Your younger DC could very easily have wandered in.

He DOESNT HAVE A BEDROOM!!
(But the lego does....)

Look, you didn't do this by accident. You knew he had his girlfriend over and you deliberately went in to his private space in the dead of night when you knew they'd most likely be caught in a compromising position.

That sounds bloody creepy to me regardless of what you say your intentions were.

Maybe she needed an excuse to sow the seeds of why SS needs to fly the nest. It's quite clear he isn't wanted there.

I think it's embarrassing enough your DSM (who clearly resents you living there...) caught you and your girlfriend having sex in the middle of the night

I can't imagine how much better that would be if it was ramped up to 11 by her sitting you and your girlfriend down to give you The Talk 🤣

Couple of points.

He’s not OP’s son but her Step son.

Did/does your daughter have her own bedroom and bed or does she have to wait until the rest of the occupants in the house have gone to bed before being ‘respectful’ with her boyfriend ?

This lad has not had a bed or bedroom of his own in the year since he moved into his father and step mother's house a year ago.

I don't think the OP is coming back dudes

Nope. Once more with feeling the Lego is in the bedroom of the ten year old. They are one and the same.

No, not seriously - it’s his bedroom. They are one and the same room.

This.

Who empties the washer at midnight anyway.

He is entitled to privacy, you need to apologise.

The ‘Lego shrine’ is his bedroom. Why are so many posters thinking this is a separate room ?

Everyone in the family should know the living room is his bedroom on a night amd respect his privacy.

Does the dss go wandering into everyone else's bedrooms at midnight? No, of course he doesn't.