To tell stepson’s girlfriend she’s not sleeping over again after what I walked in on??

[AutumnMum28]

DSS (17) has had his girlfriend over a few times now, I’ve been fine with it, they sit in the living room with snacks and films etc, nothing major. Last night OH was on nights and I went up early with baby (who doesn’t sleep 🙄). Came down about midnight because I’d left washing in the machine and nearly had a heart attack when I walked past the living room… let’s just say I saw FAR too much, blanket half on the floor, both of them half naked 😳 I honestly feel sick even writing this.

I didn’t say anything in the moment, just stomped upstairs, but now I feel so uncomfortable in my own house. I’ve got younger DC (10, 5, 17mo) and it just doesn’t sit right at all. He’s technically still in sixth form, under our roof, and I don’t want this kind of thing going on.

OH says “he’s nearly an adult, better they’re safe here than in the park” 🙄 but I don’t want my home turning into a hotel room. I don’t even know how to look her in the eye now, poor girl looked mortified too.

So AIBU to tell him she’s not sleeping over anymore? Or do I need to suck it up and accept it?

Unless we know the full history of what went on before the SS came to stay I’m not convinced that anyone had the right to decide he is staying in fairy tale circumstances. Where is the mother? Why did he decide he wanted to live with his dad full time when potentially he had his own bedroom in his mother’s house? It’s as though you are all privy to further detail that’s not on this thread.

But we have no further info other than that. Why is he living with his dad and not his mother. Isn’t anyone interested in that? Then there’s a second woman you can all villainise.

I was answering the pp who suggested the teenager has a right to "shag" in his own bed. Pp reduced the boy's sexual activities to an emotionless physical activity. So my terminology was chosen to fit their description of what they thought the boy was entitled to.

Perhaps he should respect the family home and not bring young women back there to have sex with them.

In this case ... yes it is

Doesn't sound like he's bringing girls back for sex, just that he's spending time with his girlfriend.

Lovely. You can hoik your judgey pants up just a little bit higher now you’ve given a stranger a kick on a parenting forum. More of you in the world please.

I think you're projecting. No 17 year old in a developed country should be permanently without a bed or space to call his own (even a screened off half of a bedroom with his own bed and desk and wardrobe or drawers would be okay, but this 17 year old sleeps on a sofa in a room used primarily as the family living room).

It's on the child's dad that he hasn't sorted sleeping arrangements humanely, but his dad isn't here and his mum is posting framing this as a step son problem for having sex with his girlfriend in the living room at midnight - then drip feeding that he only has the living room and no bedroom nor any private space, having already told the thread that his girlfriend has permission to stay the night. What on earth did she think they were going to be doing? Praying?

Obviously he should have a bedroom, whether his girlfriend sleeps over or not. The father is a shameful excuse for a dad not to have sorted this out by simply juggling bedrooms, with 5 and 10 year olds sharing and baby in with parents.

You need to sort him out a room. The current setup is awful for him. Can’t the 5 year old go in with the 10 year old and the 1 year old with you. Or the 3 younger ones all in one room.

it's not a woman thing, OP is the one with the issue, of course she is going to get the backlash from it!

She is the one that has a problem with him having sex in the living room, the dad doesn't give two hoots about it and would rather he be having sex at home then the local park.

OP didn't mention that the REASON he is having sex in the front room is because that is where he has to sleep!

If I'm reading it right that there is another bedroom that is being used solely as a storage space for OPs son's lego then both parents are being ridiculous.

It’s irrelevant. He is living with his parent. He has just as much right to be there as any of the other children and he has just as much right to his own bed and space.

Instead they have a 10 year old with a bigger room to himself, two other children sharing a box room and the poor 17 year old on a sofa. In what world is that a fair - or even sensible! - use of the space?

How am I projecting? I am a boring old woman with a boring nuclear family living a very traditional life and yet I can still see that a load of you are giving a relative stranger a kick with little to no information. She literally can’t update the thread as she’s been reported for ‘drip feeding’ (is that even against T&Cs) and this forum’s preoccupation with kids having sex is just weird. I’ve never known so many people campaign for the rights of kids to have sex in their parent’s homes as though it’s somewhere in the UN convention alongside rights to clean water and education. I honestly believe Mumsnet is saturated with men and threads like this fo nothing to make me think differently.

He's sleeping with his GIRLFRIEND
Not bringing back a stream of ONS ffs

Letting 17 year olds engage in perfectly legal sexual experiences that their bodies will be craving isn't disrespectful either

It's no different to the parents having sex in the house

*pointed out how someone who asked for advice online has been unreasonable

There's no mention in the OP 's posts of more than one woman - she says his girlfriend has permission to stay the night and does so regularly, but she believed that the boyfriend - girlfriend couple spent the night watching films.

She was shocked when she walked unannounced into her 17 year old stepson's sleeping space at midnight that he was doing something she wouldn't want her five year old to see. To be honest that could have been the case without anyone else present - or did she think walking in on a 17 year old boy at midnight would never be embarrassing for his parents/ unsuitable for small children?

It’s completely relevant! Is there a private room with a bed in his maternal home and was it his choice to move in with his father and use the living room as his ‘bedroom room’. We may never find out.

Wind them up and watch them go.

@EvangelicalAboutButteredToast Who knows? Perhaps his mother has moved another man and his child(ren) in, gone on to have more kids and now no longer has enough space for him. As you say, we have no way of knowing. I'd hazard a guess that if he had the option he'd be in the house with his own private room though.

If you're not projecting why on earth do you think it's fine for a 17 year old to have been sleeping on the sofa of the living room (which is referred to as a family living room anyone can walk into at any time) for a year without any space to call his own?

This is what's got everyone up in arms. Initial responses were that his dad should tell him to respect family spaces and go to his room - but then OP says he doesn't have a room. Of course that derails thevthread because wtf? The girlfriend is a non issue compared to the 17 year old not having any private space of his own at all, not so much as his own bunk in a bunk bed.

Being incorrectly reported doesn't stop you updating a thread and the report came in ages after OP could have updated further

Your wording is weird tbh, talking about children having sex when this is about a 17 year old and hardly what people would think when you say a child...

And, as always, when in the minority, call people men...

So basically you’re saying it’s fine to not provide a space for your child to live if they have another house. Would you say the same if it was a birth mother and the step father was ok with him on the sofa?

So there's a room which at some times of day is a communal room, and at other times is his bedroom.

This happened around midnight, surely within the times that it's his bedroom.

So you should've knocked on his bedroom door, and waited for him to say "come in". You didn't do this, you just walked in to his bedroom.

So you should apologise to him for the invasion of privacy and ensure it doesn't happen again.

@AutumnMum28

You've had 20+ pages of replies.

Have you changed your mind? Thought about new sleeping arrangements?

Are you going to answer any of the questions?

You're right, the OP is probably a troll, but the depressing thing is that a few of the people who think it's fine not to properly hpuse your teen from a previous relationship/ stepchild probably aren't. Perhaps they're all sock puppets. That would be better than real people thinking this arrangement is fine and the kid is the one at fault.

I’ve been the step kid on the sofa bed whilst my half siblings luxuriate in their own rooms! It’s not fun and still get annoyed by it many decades later!