To tell stepson’s girlfriend she’s not sleeping over again after what I walked in on??

[AutumnMum28]

DSS (17) has had his girlfriend over a few times now, I’ve been fine with it, they sit in the living room with snacks and films etc, nothing major. Last night OH was on nights and I went up early with baby (who doesn’t sleep 🙄). Came down about midnight because I’d left washing in the machine and nearly had a heart attack when I walked past the living room… let’s just say I saw FAR too much, blanket half on the floor, both of them half naked 😳 I honestly feel sick even writing this.

I didn’t say anything in the moment, just stomped upstairs, but now I feel so uncomfortable in my own house. I’ve got younger DC (10, 5, 17mo) and it just doesn’t sit right at all. He’s technically still in sixth form, under our roof, and I don’t want this kind of thing going on.

OH says “he’s nearly an adult, better they’re safe here than in the park” 🙄 but I don’t want my home turning into a hotel room. I don’t even know how to look her in the eye now, poor girl looked mortified too.

So AIBU to tell him she’s not sleeping over anymore? Or do I need to suck it up and accept it?

Well actually I was brought up in a home where sex was never discussed or even mentioned. And I was given no guidance or help and knew only what I was told in " sex eduction " lessons at 14, and what my friends and I discussed.
And it did me no good whatsoever.

So I'm totally in favour of openess and discussion with children and teenagers about sex and about their own changing bodies and emotions .And yes I agree that there doesn't seem to have been a lot of that going on in this household.

Poor kid, bet he feels like a spare part

I thought this too, judging by the ages of the other kids and that op has a baby with the dad when the SS is 17.....why oh why do parents think huge age gaps between children is OK?

The child hasn’t got their own room plus a Lego shrine - they are one and the same room. I agree there has to be some rejigging if upsizing or extending isn’t possible, but I do think we need more information as to why DSS has only recently lived with them full time, and under what circumstances. Why wasn’t he catered for from the start ? Did DH move in with OP into her own home and their/her children were already allocated their rooms ?

The more I think about this the worse it seems. I cant imagine being a teenager living in a household where an unrelated adult of the opposite sex is happy to wander through my sleeping area at any time. It really is awful. If the only space he can sleep is this it is absolutely not a communal space in the night and OP should afford him the privacy he deserves, irrespective of whether or not his GF is there.

If your DSS had his own room then I would be sympathetic to your husband's view. However he is sleeping in a communal area and having sex in a communal area is not acceptable.

I am not sure what the answer is other than to have a discussion with them both together, explaining that you don't want to have to explain the facts of life to his siblings yet and if they are caught again then gf will not be able to stay again.

Well yes, that's why I put 'own room and lego shrine' not 'own room AND a separate lego shrine'.

Wasn’t clear. If it’s his own room then the fact it’s a Lego shrine is irrelevant.

Well it is if the reason he gets his own big room because of the lego shrine, and his siblings are squashed in a box room and other dc doesn't even get a bed.
That's the shitty decisions of a so called parent.

OP says she walked past the living room, not that she went inside the living room. If there’s a door, the stepson isn’t shutting it, which shows immaturity. If there is no door, he’s having sex in a place where family members can easily walk by and see him, which also shows immaturity.

My older daughter just turned 11, and has been known to stay up late reading with a flashlight/torch before realizing she left something downstairs and deciding she has to get it, now. It’s unlikely that OP’s kids would be walking around downstairs, but it’s far from impossible.

Put all 3 younger kids in the 'lego' room and give stepson box room

I don’t think an almost adult child should have to sleep in a living room. You need a new house to accommodate all of your family.

Well if he’s ten that would indicate he was there for a good while before the one year old and the baby came along ? I realise things have to be shifted about as circumstances change but on MN it seems you can wave a magic wand and everyone is happy. Real life isn’t like that and we know very little about the circumstances because OP has been handed her arse on a plate and likely won’t be back to expand.

This seems the most sensible solution. Depends on the size of the Lego room though.

So quite a normal teenage boy then! With no space to call his own in his father’s home.

Why is a 17 year old sleeping on the sofa like he doesn't live there and you have a 10 year old with his own room for his lego???

Surely the solution is the baby sleeps in your room and the 5 and 10 year old share, giving the 17 year old his own space and some much needed privacy? If you can't afford a larger house you should look into dividing up the largest bedroom, so you have 4 bedrooms. You have too many children and not enough space, I don't understand why you kept having more children when you don't have space for more than 2?

If i didn't have enough bedrooms for all my children I'd buy a good quality sofa bed and sleep in the living room myself so they could all have some space.

And therefore the 17 yo was there before all the other dc?

Ah, so wait OP? You had a baby despite knowing full well you didn't have enough room?! Again, why do women do this? Anything for another baby- they always seem to think they can "squeeze in" another without a thought to how it impacts existing children!

Yes. Agree. But under what circumstances is he now needing to be there full time. I suspect he was only there occasionally up until whatever happened, happened, so he’s not really been considered up until this point, but I think it’s relevant how long this situation has continued. Also OP hasn’t said how long she’s been with DH - are all the children his or were some OP’s own ?

The problem for we commenters is we barely have half the pieces of the jigsaw so we can’t see the full picture.

Hypothesising about how long OP and her husband have been together, the parentage of the ‘other’ three children, who owns the house, whether the sitting room is open plan or has a door, the circumstances of OP’s step son’s change to living with her and his father full time, did he spend any time there prior to moving in full time, etc, etc, are almost pointless unless OP comes back and drip feeds gives us some more jigsaw pieces.

We didn’t even know from the original post that the 17 year old didn’t have a room of his own and that has contributed to the frustration for some of us with some posters assuming he and his girlfriend could just have gone to his room.

OP’s question was ‘So AIBU to tell him she’s not sleeping over anymore? Or do I need to suck it up and accept it?’

My response to that would depend on having more knowledge but primarily I think it’s up to her husband to have the discussion. However, I think there are bigger discussions to be had, based on the answers to the unanswered questions.

What's the betting that the 10yr old is Op's son from a previous relationship?

Hopefully stepson will move to his girlfriends house and he won't be your problem anymore OP.

Agreed. Even if they hadn’t been in a compromising position also not very respectful to be sorting washing at midnight next door when the lad has school the next day. Not much privacy or respect for personal space if OP up and down at all hours. Take all need up at bedtime and give the lad peace/space. He must feel rubbish being the only one without own room. Surely the wee one can share with parents and 10&5 share? Or parents take the sofa.

Perhaps she has her own room and they could go there, that would be better?

Unless the 17 year old showed up out of the blue and dad had absolutely no idea he existed, the father had more children then he could house. The 17 yo shifting to living there full time should have been irrelevant because he always should have had his own space in his father’s home. It should have always been his home.

since the 10yo is not sharing a room, I’m guessing there is a reason for that.

rooms still need to be shifted.

you could put the 17yo in the smallest, the youngest 2 in the main 3, and the adults in the living room.

or maybe it’s time to partition off part of the living room somehow.