To tell stepson’s girlfriend she’s not sleeping over again after what I walked in on??

[AutumnMum28]

DSS (17) has had his girlfriend over a few times now, I’ve been fine with it, they sit in the living room with snacks and films etc, nothing major. Last night OH was on nights and I went up early with baby (who doesn’t sleep 🙄). Came down about midnight because I’d left washing in the machine and nearly had a heart attack when I walked past the living room… let’s just say I saw FAR too much, blanket half on the floor, both of them half naked 😳 I honestly feel sick even writing this.

I didn’t say anything in the moment, just stomped upstairs, but now I feel so uncomfortable in my own house. I’ve got younger DC (10, 5, 17mo) and it just doesn’t sit right at all. He’s technically still in sixth form, under our roof, and I don’t want this kind of thing going on.

OH says “he’s nearly an adult, better they’re safe here than in the park” 🙄 but I don’t want my home turning into a hotel room. I don’t even know how to look her in the eye now, poor girl looked mortified too.

So AIBU to tell him she’s not sleeping over anymore? Or do I need to suck it up and accept it?

Knocking shop?

There has been no suggestion (except from you) that this was an act of prostitution.

Anyway, I'll go now: OP is clearly a shit SM. Her primary concern seems to be the younger DC....who I'm betting are all hers 🙄

Does the living room have a door? Does anyone need to go through the living room to get to the kitchen? If he can shut the living room door, and others in the house can still access the kitchen etc, then your step-son needs to be reminded this must be done. If it's a completely open plan living area, and the lounge isn't self-contained, so therefore anyone going to the kitchen can see into the lounge, then that's a whole different story. Can you not reconfigure rooms? Your 10 year old and 5 year old share a room. Your little one goes in your bedroom, leaving the box room for your step-son. Or all the youngest children share a room. Obviously a box room wouldn't be big enough for a double bed! Depending on how the lounge is configured would depend on my opinion. If the lounge is open plan into the kitchen, then sorry, no, having sex in there isn't really appropriate. One of the younger children could very easily wake in the night and come downstairs for a drink etc. If the lounge is a contained room, then no one needs to go in there at night, but your step-son needs reminding to shut the door and keep any noise low. He needs to remember that there are other people in the house. A contraception talk, wouldn't go amiss too.

Op he has no access to a bed ever. Sleeping in the sofa indefinitely isn't really ok. I would reconfigure sleeping arrangements in some way, even if it's a privacy screen in the living room,adding a door if possible and getting him at least a twin bed or some type of convertible bed. He probably doesn't sleep great on the sofa.

You don't have a leg go stand in here given that he has no private space. The other idea pp said of baby with you and he gets the baby's room is also an option.

Exactly this. I feel very sorry for the SS. No privacy of his own despite existing first, because his DF and SM felt the need to keep having several extra DCs there wasn’t really room for.

I’ll never understand how people can continue to pro create without a thought as to the effect on existing DCs and DSCs… let alone have the audacity to blame them for not keeping sex to their privacy of their own space when they haven’t been afforded any!

Ah but don't worry, op and the boys dad have their priorities sorted. The Lego is fine..

That poor boy. From reading mn, I will never blend my family. It's always the kids who suffer.

There we are. Clear as day. It’s not even the stepparent forum and all the step parent haters are out in force. Of course it’s the woman’s fault. Always the woman’s fault.

Or it is a French door with windows.

HE DOESNT HAVE A BEDROOM?
Jesus wept, poor poor guy.
You sound awful. Hope you managed to clutch onto some pearls as you were stomping up the stairs.
Also why do you want to talk to his gf? Why shame the girl because BOTH of them had sex? It's a mix of entitlement with Victorian era fake morals.

Have I read thjs right - one of your kids has a "lego shrine room" whilst your stepson has to sleep on a sofa bed?? This cannot possibly be real. If he's sleeping in there then it's his room and should no longer be a communal area although they should have shut the door (if there is one and if not get a curtain or a screen). It sounds like he's had a lot of upheaval in his life and possibly feels unsettled and unwanted. He doesn't even have his own room or a bed. This is beyond unreasonable.

Nope you’ve read it wrong. Go read the whole thread and you’ll see what the Lego shrine referred to.

He’s a kid. Not a guy.

I’m intrigued as to how you have gleaned all the information you have about this family based on the small amount of info the OP has written on the thread. Where else is everyone reading? Are you accessing her full post history on Mumsnet?

He doesn’t have a bedroom. His bedroom is the living room. The op and her partner can’t sleep in the living room and give him a room because?

Not ideal, but in doing so at 16 you accept that if you're offered a sofa a sofa is possibly what you're going to get.

At your dad's house? That's hardly stellar parenting is it. His dad has had a second set of kids, without considering the one he already had .

I actually agree there because the issue is with the dad. Even if the OP is a terrible stepmum (who knows) he is the one who let's his son be a second class citizen in his own home. He is the one who chose to marry the OP and have more children than he could house. He is the one who hasn't provided his son with a bedroom in over a year. I'd never let my child sleep on a sofa for that long while I had my own room. Ever.
I don't think the OP has shown herself in a great light here, but she shouldn't be taking all of the blame. It took two to blend a family. Two adults who should have made better decisions. You marry someone who already has a child, then you sign up for that child/adult to be in your life.

I would suggest three younger kids in the largest bedroom with bunk beds and a cot/toddler bed. Parents in the second bedroom. Stepson in box room.

To your aibu,

So AIBU to tell him she’s not sleeping over anymore? Or do I need to suck it up and accept it?’

If you don't want them having sex in the home, then you and dh need to tell your son/stepson and his gf that she's not allowed to have a sleepover anymore.

If you don't mind her sleeping over, you have to accept that they'll be up to something at night.

I need the laugh react for this ridiculousness

The living room at night is the closest this poor lad has to his own space

The family should respect that and not go wandering in at night (which doesn't involve changing their sleep habits!)

The OP posted twice - the information about him not having a bedroom and sleeping on the sofa every night for the last year is in her second post. She says her 10 year old has his own room, her 5 year old shares the box room with her baby and she and her stepson's father share a bedroom, and her 17 year old step son sleeps on the living room sofa and has since last year.

I think you’ve replied to the wrong person, if not I’m intrigued as to wtf you’re on about.

Genuine question as my son is a bit younger. Is it generally accepted that 17 year olds have their partners staying over and in the same room? I’ve got several friends who have children of that age and when I mentioned it to them earlier they said they wouldn’t allow it. I just wondered which is more the norm these days. My son is 14 and I can’t imagine us allowing that in just 3 years.

Why start this way? “DSS (17) has had his girlfriend over a few times now, I’ve been fine with it, they sit in the living room with snacks and films etc, nothing major…”

Really, it seems, that’s where he also sleeps? You also say you “went up early…” does he have to wait for everyone to go to bed before he can sleep?

Well said. Expecting moral purity from a kid who probably grew up with a lot of upheval and not holding up their end of the bargain as adults and parents.