It’s all such bloody hard work

[Uggbootsforever]

It’s all just such hard work, the standards are so high. Yes I know you’ll say ‘it’s all optional’ but how optional is it when everyone else around you is doing things and you don’t want your child to be the odd one out?

Lunch boxes. My mum did a sandwich (honey, marmite or jam), an apple, and a penguin bar. Now you have to cut bloody veg sticks, have fresh sandwich fillings ready and available, constant healthy ‘snacks’ (I swear my mum never carried or offered me a snack?!).

Birthday parties. They used to be straightforward and fairly cheap and now they’re all about balloon arches, ‘wonderlands’, themes and elaborate commissioned cakes.

Kids don’t play out now. They hover round you 24/7 demanding things while you try in vain to do the 100 housework tasks that need doing.

I feel like slowly but surely our house has transformed into a place where everything is about the kids 24/7. My parents used to think nothing of sitting and watching a programme they wanted to see, while we played around them. I don’t think I have ever done this, whatever is on is always bloody CBeebies.

Every parent I know is still woken in the night by their 4/5/6 year old children who insist on sleeping in their bed (including me). I just want to sleep in my own bloody bed, to close my eyes at 11pm and open them at 6.30 with nobody crying or shouting me awake in between. Before becoming a parent it didn’t cross my mind I would still be being woken every night 6 years later.

I love my kids but, argh. Why are we doing this to ourselves. Ready to be told how unreasonable I am etc

Yes things are over the top now. We only have ourselves to blame though for putting up with and engaging with this kind of nonsense!

You're absolutely right OP.
And I strongly doubt it's creating resilience / independence/ self sufficiency in the children long term.

So lose lose really.

I understand your sentiment but I don’t agree - no one forces you to do any of this stuff. DD’s birthday party was the church hall, pass the parcel, and a Tesco cake. Everyone left happy.

Wanna watch what you like on TV? Tell them they can’t have CBeebies on.

My toddler still wakes in the night but my four year old doesn’t unless unwell or similar. I do think this is where co sleeping and encouraging it can lead to problems years later but I’m sure I’ll be told off!

One thing I will say is to check your own memories. I absolutely remember my parents watching things while I played but I suspect I was older than I think I was. Our memories of our own childhood often aren’t completely accurate!

I hear you. It is utterly relentless and I agree that most people we know are in the same boat.

My DD is 11 and all her friends are constantly purchasing hugely expensive cosmetics. I keep saying no to things like £23 lip glosses, but her friends genuinely do have these and they’re not just getting them on birthdays etc. Wtf happened to using the 17 range or Rimmel?

Regarding the food thing, in addition to all the home made non-UPF pressure, I’m seeing people using stainless steel lunchboxes etc to reduce the toxins. Where does it end indeed?!

Nobody forces you to do this stuff. You can change most of those things, or decide not to go to parties you think is over the top.

You honestly don't have to go for all of this! My DCs are now in their teens, but we had parties in the house with jelly & ice cream and pass the parcel, school lunches were pretty basic, they never once (even as babies) slept in our bed. They're normal, well adjusted teenagers, we have a great relationship, and I don't think they're too traumatised by their lack of soft play parties and balloon arches!

You're the parent, you decide how to raise your children.

I try really hard, I do, and people have commented that they’re well behaved easygoing children but even so I feel the framework around parents is such that it’s almost impossible to keep things easygoing, low key and not make parents miserable.

For example the school doing bloody dress up days - this term’s theme is Edwardian. We are expected to make bloody Edwardian costumes for our kids. The cheapest outfit I’ve come up with which meant ordering a load of shit off Vinted is £20 and will need sewing.

School, nursery and toddler groups encourage children to ‘snack’ and have lots of snack times so they expect it when they’re at home. There’s nothing you can do to stop them.

It only for Instagram and other social media platforms such hard work if you want it to be. I'm sure DC love and will fondly remember whatever party they're given.

Thank you!!

People reading this are probably sat thinking ‘well, she can just say no’ but when every other child around you is doing it, it’s very hard to extract yourself.

I threw a small Halloween party for my daughter 2 years ago, just spooky crafts and decorating cupcakes type activities (they were 5). Because such low key parties barely happen now they were bored of the crafts after 30 seconds of childish scribbling, and just not really interested in any of it - lots of crying/fighting etc (won’t bother again)

YANBU. Yes of course you can parent however you want, and could easily do lighter touch birthday parties etc - like you say it’s all optional. But I completely agree that it feels like everything is hard work and it’s easy to lose touch with reality on it all.

Social media plays a big part in this. We are exposed more than ever before to the highlights of peoples lives, and it’s easy to get sucked into thinking we should be doing the same. If I scroll through instagram for 10 mins I could easily see 10 “nudges” of things I should be considering when it comes to raising my children.

I do find that in real life most people are muddling along just like me! No one is truly doing it all. And the attempt to do it all would make you self combust!

Do things differently then. Everything is in your control.

Personally I like the co-sleeping!

The expensive cosmetics for children thing blows my mind. We used Rimmel, 17, and Avon. I didn't even know things like Clarins existed until I was in my early twenties and worked at a department store. It's really jarring to see children using these incredibly expensive brands, because to me they are very much for adult women.

Plus, there are many ranges these days to experiment with, like Revolution and Soap and Glory and large ranges by L'Oreal and Maybelline, etc.

I agree. Parenting is almost unbearable now. I constantly wonder why I had more children later in life. Of course I love them but we have become ridiculous as a society, every day has to be filled with interesting activities, nutritious food, not too much screen time, snacks, the latest fads. I am singing pissing lullabies and acting like Mary-fucking-Poppins at bedtime after brushing their teeth so it’s done properly and telling them I love them so they don’t have adult trauma and my kids are still whining about something or another. I’m frazzled by it all.

And let me tell you this. I have two adult kids. The eldest didn’t buy her step Dad (of 13 years) a card or gift for his birthday so I had to buy one and pretend it was from them so as not feel embarrassed. The 2nd eldest I haven’t seen in almost 7 weeks. So they clearly grow up to not like us very much anyway. I reckon we should just do it 80’s style again.

YANBU. I think the modern way of parenting is terrible for everyone involved.
I would encourage you to go by old fashioned standards in as many ways as you really can. Obviously good quality food is important. Them missing CBeebies is not.
Take back the control on terms which suit you- the first few weeks will be a big fight but stick to your guns. You’d be doing them a huge favour to learn how to be bored, how to entertain themselves. Any friends in the same street? Send them to ask if their friends want to come play in the garden for an hour or whatever. Best of luck. I think you are spot on that the way of parenting now is ridiculous

I think there can be a little bit of balance, My kids childhood was very kids centric and they are still very resilient and do stand on their own feet work. Good jobs have driving licenses can swim across the road etc.
My 15-year-old doesn’t want to sleep in my bed anymore. You’ll be pleased to hear.
Everything will pass the bad bits and the good bits too

Exactly the same here. After toddlerhood the only night waking was if they were ill. They knew they slept in their bed. I would get up and take them back if they ever came into our room in the night.
Never did a whole class party, just selected friends at our house. I would say when they were young our lives were pretty child-centric but nothing that I ever begrudged or felt resentful of.

I think a few posters from the good ‘old’ (not that old!) days are missing the point. Other children are now so used to high octane excitement and screens that holding old fashioned parties at home is a disaster. They fight, cry and don’t play the games and complain they’re bored.

But that’s because you’re allowing it.
We didn’t allow complaints of boredom or non-compliance with the games. It just wasn’t an option.

If they fight you call their mummy or daddy to come and pick them up
If they cry, you tell mummy and daddy that they have to leave because they are spoiling the party for everybody else
If they don’t play the games, they get to just sit there and watch everybody else do it.
You don’t have to be unkind to children to impose your will on them

Their parents are right there watching!

Absolutely this. I wouldn't hesitate.

Lunch boxes - sandwich with a healthy filling, apple (or equivalent) and a bottle of water.
Snacks: (usually a banana)
We don't do TV really for the kids, but we definitely control when it goes on/off and what is watched.
Everyone sleeps int heir own bed and if they get out they are taken back.

I am mid 50s, foster carer. My kids are all grown. I have just been looking after a 14 year old girl who said, I wish I was alive in the 80s. It looked so much fun. Everyone played outside without grown ups, music was loud and everyone sang along and went out together. It looked like people had so much more fun. I had to admit to her, that yes it was A LOT more fun and I feel very sad for kids these days. Their childhoods are completely different to what mine was and even my kids in the 2000s. Doesn’t follow the lemmings, be proud to bring your kids up to think differently and enjoy the freedoms and happiness of the world rather than the insta obsessed majority!!!

If you had 2 hours of a bunch of 5 or 6 year olds constantly coming up to you to complain they’re bored and ‘what are we doing next’ thirty seconds into the last activity, you would feel the same as me!

So you walk up to Mr. And Mrs. Pathetic.
And you tell them their child is spoiling the party for everybody else. Can you take them outside until they can stop crying and carrying on?
If they’re fighting, they are immediately no longer welcome in your house out the door
Not joining in well go and sit on your mum’s lap until you decide you want to because you’re missing out on all the fun