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Original poster

It’s all such bloody hard work

534 replies

Uggbootsforever · 30/09/2025 12:44

It’s all just such hard work, the standards are so high. Yes I know you’ll say ‘it’s all optional’ but how optional is it when everyone else around you is doing things and you don’t want your child to be the odd one out?

Lunch boxes. My mum did a sandwich (honey, marmite or jam), an apple, and a penguin bar. Now you have to cut bloody veg sticks, have fresh sandwich fillings ready and available, constant healthy ‘snacks’ (I swear my mum never carried or offered me a snack?!).

Birthday parties. They used to be straightforward and fairly cheap and now they’re all about balloon arches, ‘wonderlands’, themes and elaborate commissioned cakes.

Kids don’t play out now. They hover round you 24/7 demanding things while you try in vain to do the 100 housework tasks that need doing.

I feel like slowly but surely our house has transformed into a place where everything is about the kids 24/7. My parents used to think nothing of sitting and watching a programme they wanted to see, while we played around them. I don’t think I have ever done this, whatever is on is always bloody CBeebies.

Every parent I know is still woken in the night by their 4/5/6 year old children who insist on sleeping in their bed (including me). I just want to sleep in my own bloody bed, to close my eyes at 11pm and open them at 6.30 with nobody crying or shouting me awake in between. Before becoming a parent it didn’t cross my mind I would still be being woken every night 6 years later.

I love my kids but, argh. Why are we doing this to ourselves. Ready to be told how unreasonable I am etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Uggbootsforever · 03/10/2025 07:37

DearDenimEagle · 03/10/2025 01:28

Cosmetics at 11..sheesh times have changed. I didn’t get any till I was 16 and then I was forced by mother. I wasn’t interested and no one I knew bothered either. 17/ 18 yeah to sneak into clubs / pubs underage , but 11?
There was a ‘don’t encourage perverts ‘ too.

Even now, I won’t pay £23 for lip gloss. That’s a week’s food for one fgs. No wonder people complain they can’t manage on their income.
Never did lunch boxes for mine, though I took a lunch box in my high school, But only because it was forbidden. No one else did. It wasn’t an option. But they couldn’t force school dinner on me as I hadn’t paid, and couldn’t send me home cos I was outwith my catchment area in the next county 2 busses away. The power was mine .

Parties for my kids were games in the yard followed by food , later ages to a football place or dry skiing or 10 pin bowling. When did kids get so complicated? Did the co-sleeping from birth. By 3 they wanted their own beds. Looks like a lot of parents are making a rod for their own backs..or for other parents’ backs.
Where do kids get the money for expensive, or any , cosmetics? We didn’t get money handed to us. My kids ( wisely) chose to get things as they needed them over a weekly allowance. Which would not have been enough for the things kids nowadays buy. The world has gone mad

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That’s because your kids aren’t 12/13 now are they? All very well saying ‘this didn’t happen in my day’ when those things didn’t physically exist to tempt them.

OP posts:
Polyestered · 03/10/2025 09:02

Uggbootsforever · 03/10/2025 07:37

That’s because your kids aren’t 12/13 now are they? All very well saying ‘this didn’t happen in my day’ when those things didn’t physically exist to tempt them.

Show quote history

Absolutely

my MIL is the worst for this and doesn’t understand that parenting her way, now in modern times, would get a social services referral. She feels “I’m making a rod for my own back” and she was so successful because she didn’t fuss over her kids and they did as they were told.

examples - leaving newborn babies (less than 1 week) in a pram in the bottom of the garden 50m away from the house, kitchen door shut, to scream until they fell asleep. “The fresh air is good for their lungs”

potty training - “he had a rash right down his thighs so sore he couldn’t walk but he learnt not to wet his trousers when he had to sit in them”

fussy eaters “mine never fussed because if they grumbled they went to bed hungry at 5pm and stayed there, and got served that dinner cold 2 or 3 days in a row for every meal until they ate it.

“I never had any trouble with my boys as soon as one of them did wrong, I’d beat the both of them and say that a because they’d probably done something to deserve it I didn’t know about.

😱 no she is not left alone with my kids.

Cantabulous · 03/10/2025 09:26

Your MIL sounds like a psychopath 😔.

Being a mum has never been easy, let’s face it. Every generation faces new challenges that make it feel like it’s never been so hard. My mum complained about the guru Dr Spock who was all the rage in the early 60s and made her feel like shit while she worked her fingers to the bone looking after 3 DC and 3 grandparents with no household appliances to lighten the load. Her mum just had WW2 to struggle with…In the 90s I struggled with working full time, no family help, and judgement from other mums for not being a SAHM. I didn’t fully catch up on my sleep until youngest left for university! Now I see my DC’s friends/my friends’ DC struggle with too much information/misinformation and the impact of digital technology on both them and their DC.

What’s the answer? Short of not having children, it’s: ignoring everyone else and getting stuck in, in such a way that you all get as much enjoyment out of child-rearing as you possibly can. Each family is unique so giving headspace to what other families do is just pointless.

oldmoaner · 03/10/2025 12:47

It's been years since I had to cope with a baby, but, I never had mine in bed with me and I mean never. I was bottle feeding, and found a bottle containing Horlicks just before bedtime helped all of mine sleep better, I 100% know it did as I ran out once when I couldn't get to the shops and after 2 nights of a screaming baby I never ran out again. I wouldn't sleep well with a baby in my bed I'd be too scared of rolling over and hurting it. Maybe I nightlight would help, some babies and children don't like the dark. Just a suggestion. Hope you get a good night's sleep soon.

Mjolnirsruin · 04/10/2025 19:23

Catch me crying setting my alarm to get up for school for the next 12 years and I'm not even the one bloody attending LOL

Mjolnirsruin · 04/10/2025 19:23

Catch me crying setting my alarm to get up for school for the next 12 years and I'm not even the one bloody attending LOL

Rhaenys · 04/10/2025 19:42

I think this is the primary reason for the fall in birth rate. Yes, the cost of living is a factor, but anecdotally the most common reason I hear for not having kids these days is that you’re expected to actually parent 24/7 now, and it’s just not appealing (or sustainable really).

cottoncandy260 · 04/10/2025 20:40

Uggbootsforever · 30/09/2025 13:17

I’m sorry I really don’t think you would actually do this. It may be the textbook response but very embarrassing IRL

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Yep. I’m with you on that. As if anyone would actually do that!

B33cka8 · 04/10/2025 22:05

Horsie · 30/09/2025 13:00

The expensive cosmetics for children thing blows my mind. We used Rimmel, 17, and Avon. I didn't even know things like Clarins existed until I was in my early twenties and worked at a department store. It's really jarring to see children using these incredibly expensive brands, because to me they are very much for adult women.

Plus, there are many ranges these days to experiment with, like Revolution and Soap and Glory and large ranges by L'Oreal and Maybelline, etc.

Edited
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It's absolutely insane, my niece is wanting obscenely expensive and unnecessary products because she follows influencers who earn millions. Likewise my preteen and teen skin would have exploded if I'd exposed it to all those products!

swingingbytheseat · 04/10/2025 22:35

Kids are spoilt because parents feel guilt about going to work ? It’s

fckedupsituation · 04/10/2025 22:44

Fuck them. Don’t conform. I don’t.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 05/10/2025 08:27

Children have always complained they were bored. I think the difference is that parents nowadays feel much more tortured by the idea of their child experiencing any difficult feelings eg boredom, disappointment, envy of other children etc and that it means they (the parent) have done something wrong. This then leads to massive resentment of the children and feeling like the parents are slaves to the child’s whim/happiness.

In the olden days we moaned we were bored and my mother would say right, you can hang up the washing if you are bored!

If we so much as set foot in my friend Michael’s house, his mother would shoo us out - “go on out and play get out from under my feet!” I never actually got so far as to see his bedroom upstairs 🤣

I don’t think any of the adults lost sleep worrying about whether we felt bored or pushed out of rejected etc.

Of course the greater sensitivity to children’s experiences is a good thing now. There were horrors in the olden days too- abusive adults, frightened children, traumatised children, children with different needs at school being labelled thick etc etc.

No one would want to go back to that.

But I do think it’s helpful to remember that teaching children to bear difficult feelings is a part of bringing them up.

notacooldad · 05/10/2025 09:16

Children have always complained they were bored.
Absolutely!
I remember being around 9 complaing that I was bored to mum. She quite logically told me to find something to do then! 😆 🤣

SaffaIrish1 · 05/10/2025 11:33

I say this gently. You promote what you permit. This is all up to you and, I’m not saying it’s easy, you are the person to set the standards in your home. You set the bedtime. You set the activities in your own home. If they are bored, give them a book/chore. Send them to bed by 8. Then enjoy adult time. My kids are a bit older - teenagers - but they had a set bedtime and they didn’t wake me up (except when unwell of course.) I have always planned activities but also plan times where they entertain themselves. Their entertainment is not my priority. Their wellbeing is and being able to be resourceful is a life skill.
The stuff that is hard to control is the influence from outside the home. I get that. But keep parties intimate and special. My daughter was well known for having the ‘’best’ parties but I only managed that by keeping the guest list down. And I loved inviting the mums too - we had fun together and I had lots of help. As for lunches, the kids don’t care. You’re worrying what other people think. Nobody pays attention to each other’s lunch (I’m a teacher). And get them into school dinners asap - much easier :)
Time for you to set those limits so you can start to enjoy time with your kids. And they can start to learn by themselves how to avoid being bored!

Minglingpringle · 05/10/2025 11:38

Sounds like you are doing well with being a leader for your children and saying no to consumerism and screens.

I would make the following comments:

  1. Healthy food is for your child’s benefit, not for the sake of appearances, which don’t matter. It’s worth giving them healthy food but it’s not worth giving headspace to what other people think about it. Except the peanut butter sandwich issue is probably because someone in the school is allergic, which is actually an important consideration.

  2. How much do your children care about dressing up? Mine had no interest so I never bothered. Or if it was compulsory did the merest token nod to the occasion. But stuff the children DO care about becomes fun to help out with. Again, do it for your kids, not for appearances. Doesn’t matter what the other parents think. If the other kids start teasing them, your own kids will soon start to care about their costumes and let you know.

  3. It sounds like your expectations for your children’s play are too high. Don’t expect them to sit there playing quietly and constructively with meccano for hours. Throwing toys over a stairgate is perfect play for a two-year-old. (Especially as it was just toys and nothing important or breakable.) Free play does not look impressive, it’s just mucking around. And to be encouraged. Also, a good way to encourage free play is to be in the same room doing something else, but to take an interest in what they’re doing.

Minglingpringle · 05/10/2025 11:47

If you discourage throwing toys over a stairgate, you may find you train them out of free play.

Gymbunny2025 · 05/10/2025 11:57

BumpyaDaisyevna · 05/10/2025 08:27

Children have always complained they were bored. I think the difference is that parents nowadays feel much more tortured by the idea of their child experiencing any difficult feelings eg boredom, disappointment, envy of other children etc and that it means they (the parent) have done something wrong. This then leads to massive resentment of the children and feeling like the parents are slaves to the child’s whim/happiness.

In the olden days we moaned we were bored and my mother would say right, you can hang up the washing if you are bored!

If we so much as set foot in my friend Michael’s house, his mother would shoo us out - “go on out and play get out from under my feet!” I never actually got so far as to see his bedroom upstairs 🤣

I don’t think any of the adults lost sleep worrying about whether we felt bored or pushed out of rejected etc.

Of course the greater sensitivity to children’s experiences is a good thing now. There were horrors in the olden days too- abusive adults, frightened children, traumatised children, children with different needs at school being labelled thick etc etc.

No one would want to go back to that.

But I do think it’s helpful to remember that teaching children to bear difficult feelings is a part of bringing them up.

Or maybe it’s more difficult for parents. We are working more so it’s more difficult to be interrupted by bored kids. Plus we can’t just let them play out with bikes and friends like used to happen (in many cases)

Sparkhaze · 05/10/2025 12:06

Never let your child sleep in your bed. Let them in for a short period of time then TKE THEM BACK to their own room, every time. They have to learn early on that that is how it works, they have to always wake up in their own bed. We did that with our 4 kids when they were young and it worked out fine. I know three couples who didn't, and they live a nightmare with kids in their bed all night every night.

Gymbunny2025 · 05/10/2025 12:22

Sparkhaze · 05/10/2025 12:06

Never let your child sleep in your bed. Let them in for a short period of time then TKE THEM BACK to their own room, every time. They have to learn early on that that is how it works, they have to always wake up in their own bed. We did that with our 4 kids when they were young and it worked out fine. I know three couples who didn't, and they live a nightmare with kids in their bed all night every night.

We always let kids on when needed. They would never want to sleep in our bed any more!! Miss those days though 🥹

millymollymoomoo · 05/10/2025 12:25

Stop allowing kids to sleep
in your bed

stop snacking - it’s terrible for kids and leading to high levels of insulin resistance and metabolic health issues.

just make a simple packed lunch based on protein and healthy fats plus veg

allow your kids to be bored - and encourage them to use imagination- you don’t have to do things all the time either them. You’ll be doing them a favour

don’t involve yourself in comparison and competing….

Agrumpyknitter · 05/10/2025 12:32

It does get better. Slowly get them more organised as they get older. My eldest daughter at 7 used to have checklists for packing her things for Brownies trips. And when we go on holiday the children pack for themselves and check they have packed their toothbrush on the day of travel. I just make sure clothes are washed and ironed and they choose from them and use packing cubes. They can also make their own breakfast (cereal) from 7 so we can sleep in for a bit.

Re: the arts and crafts party you mentioned my 12 year old daughter is having some friends round to do Christmas arts and crafts and cupcake decorating when they break up from school in Dec. They wouldn’t have been as interested when they were younger now it’s all a bit of fun and they have a good chat together. They all go to the local grammar school and are a nice bunch of girls.

MyObservations · 05/10/2025 16:20

Uggbootsforever · 30/09/2025 12:44

It’s all just such hard work, the standards are so high. Yes I know you’ll say ‘it’s all optional’ but how optional is it when everyone else around you is doing things and you don’t want your child to be the odd one out?

Lunch boxes. My mum did a sandwich (honey, marmite or jam), an apple, and a penguin bar. Now you have to cut bloody veg sticks, have fresh sandwich fillings ready and available, constant healthy ‘snacks’ (I swear my mum never carried or offered me a snack?!).

Birthday parties. They used to be straightforward and fairly cheap and now they’re all about balloon arches, ‘wonderlands’, themes and elaborate commissioned cakes.

Kids don’t play out now. They hover round you 24/7 demanding things while you try in vain to do the 100 housework tasks that need doing.

I feel like slowly but surely our house has transformed into a place where everything is about the kids 24/7. My parents used to think nothing of sitting and watching a programme they wanted to see, while we played around them. I don’t think I have ever done this, whatever is on is always bloody CBeebies.

Every parent I know is still woken in the night by their 4/5/6 year old children who insist on sleeping in their bed (including me). I just want to sleep in my own bloody bed, to close my eyes at 11pm and open them at 6.30 with nobody crying or shouting me awake in between. Before becoming a parent it didn’t cross my mind I would still be being woken every night 6 years later.

I love my kids but, argh. Why are we doing this to ourselves. Ready to be told how unreasonable I am etc

Don't give-in otherwise you become part of the problem rather than part of the solution.

TottenhamCake · 07/10/2025 09:56

Chick981 · 02/10/2025 22:39

And I say this as someone who was and is anti screens at the table, but has absolutely used them when out very occasionally to have an actual break. Good luck in particular on the no interrupting part, I’d love to hear how you manage it.

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The same way as my parents did and friends I have with well behaved children presumably......

TottenhamCake · 07/10/2025 09:58

Chick981 · 02/10/2025 22:38

Come back in five or six years time and tell us how you get on please, we can’t wait to hear!!

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This is really tiresome. I'm honestly so fed up of people saying 'just wait..it will all change etc...' the whole way through this pregnancy. its bloody condescending and irritating.

Poppingby · 07/10/2025 10:07

TottenhamCake · 07/10/2025 09:58

This is really tiresome. I'm honestly so fed up of people saying 'just wait..it will all change etc...' the whole way through this pregnancy. its bloody condescending and irritating.

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I remember this feeling condescending and irritating when pregnant. The people saying this to you are probably trying to prevent you from being hard on yourself when it all goes tits up and your kid has a will of its own (which one never factors into imaginary children) though.