It’s all such bloody hard work

[Uggbootsforever]

It’s all just such hard work, the standards are so high. Yes I know you’ll say ‘it’s all optional’ but how optional is it when everyone else around you is doing things and you don’t want your child to be the odd one out?

Lunch boxes. My mum did a sandwich (honey, marmite or jam), an apple, and a penguin bar. Now you have to cut bloody veg sticks, have fresh sandwich fillings ready and available, constant healthy ‘snacks’ (I swear my mum never carried or offered me a snack?!).

Birthday parties. They used to be straightforward and fairly cheap and now they’re all about balloon arches, ‘wonderlands’, themes and elaborate commissioned cakes.

Kids don’t play out now. They hover round you 24/7 demanding things while you try in vain to do the 100 housework tasks that need doing.

I feel like slowly but surely our house has transformed into a place where everything is about the kids 24/7. My parents used to think nothing of sitting and watching a programme they wanted to see, while we played around them. I don’t think I have ever done this, whatever is on is always bloody CBeebies.

Every parent I know is still woken in the night by their 4/5/6 year old children who insist on sleeping in their bed (including me). I just want to sleep in my own bloody bed, to close my eyes at 11pm and open them at 6.30 with nobody crying or shouting me awake in between. Before becoming a parent it didn’t cross my mind I would still be being woken every night 6 years later.

I love my kids but, argh. Why are we doing this to ourselves. Ready to be told how unreasonable I am etc

I guess it depends on your social circle and area. I live in a rural village, the kids round here are a bit more feral. Streetwise and independent from quite a young age.

We don't do lunchboxes because KS1 get free school lunch and DD nearly always has a ham sandwich, the same as she'd have if we sent lunch in. I'm with you on snacks, she seems to require a never-ending stream of snacks and I feel guilty if they're not healthy snacks.

She plays out sometimes and if she's in I don't allow her to constantly harass me. I tell her to go and play.

She stopped coming into our bed at around 3. Unless she's unwell or she's wet the bed which occasionally happens, if she wakes up, we put her back to bed in her own bed.

We do every other year birthday parties. Previous years have been the whole 50 kids, food laid on, bouncy castle which is admittedly a bit stressful but I'm hoping as she gets older it will be more a small group of best friends doing something a bit more interesting- e.g. painting pottery. I've seen those cakes but never felt any pressure. I usually bake a cake and add a rice paper topper and a candle for the birthday song, then bake a big sheet cake for the party bags.

To be honest I think we were lucky- when they all turned 3 one of the girls had a party in her stately home. Staff serving canapes, a huge buffet of themed food for adults and children, TWO princesses leading games and activities and crafts organised and supervised by the nanny, elaborate decor. It was an incredible party. We all knew that no-one was ever topping that so no-one competes now. 😂

You are allowed to set different expectations for your family than other people's families, and you're allowed to find a different tribe if the one you are in doesn't align with your family values.

Again, thats on you. I believe that children are important and they know mum and dad have theory *back and they are loved but not everything revolves around them. There are other people in the family that have needs and wants besides them.
Typo alert should be 'their'. There's also another typo in my essay 😤

YANBU OP, I am childfree (yay) and I listen to my friends talk about parenting with absolute horror. Everything revolves around the children, they are not allowed to ever be bored. One friend in particular, her DD has scheduled activities every minute of every day (of course when I say this to said friend I'm told that actually her DD is very good at entertaining herself... ). The result is that said DD is a bit of a pain. The only thing I would say is that a lot of people seem to go into parenthood with rose-tinted glasses. I suspect you have to. But if you really think about it before, having a child is not tempting.

ETA - but I also totally sympathise with the parents, because my childhood was fine but my parents made a lot of mistakes and I do still hold some of that against them. So I can understand why today's parents want to try so hard to do everything right.

FFS. You are the adult, how do you expect your children to behave when their parents are incapable of running a household 🙄

For the lunchboxes. I bulk chap three or four carrots and put them in the glass containers in the fridge. They stay perfect. Same with cucumber and pepper peppers. Getting them to take part in making their lunches actually really helpful to. And they’re more inclined to eat it then.
For the birthday parties, I’ve never had one in my house simply because I don’t want the mess. So we do a mix off party at a soft play or in the local park. Cinema party, go karting with three or four friends etc. As my DD got older, she would have a sleepover.
Mine do playout, but that’s because I live in a small estate. They don’t have far to go.
The waking in the light thing I can’t help with my DS I slept in my bed until he was about seven 😆 he’s 10 now and he sleeps through in his own bed thank God!

I agree with everything you say. I feel the same.

I’m scaling it all back. I’ve also just had enough.

Kids were told to go and play in their rooms a few weekends ago. With all the toys I’ve spent a fortune on. And DH and I put a film on. We were interrupted constantly because the kids are incapable of playing by themselves even though they are all over 7.

it’s the first time we’ve ever done that. It wasn’t a great success (constant interruptions) and I didn’t feel like I was being a particularly good parent doing it. But my god I’d just had enough of parenting and needed a break.

Because we’d never done it before the kids found it odd. Which in itself I don’t think is right. The kids should be able to realise and recognise that we are people with needs and wants and interests as well.

Not sure where we go from here, but I just feel totally burnt out with the type of parenting you are talking about and I want out.

Some of what you say resonates with me, but I do think you need to run your house the way you want to and try and ignore the noise of what everyone else is doing as much as you can. I love throwing a big birthday party, but I personally couldn't give a shit about social media, so I don't bother with decorations. We barely have the TV on during the day because I find it makes DC behaviour worse. So they get a lot of, "you can play on your own, or you can help me with the dishwasher". Mine are really good at playing on their own now - though we've weathered some railing and complaining to get to that point. We had one playdate the other day where the child behaved repulsively - so she won't be allowed back again. We're definitely stricter than most parents we know, but we find our children polite and pleasant to be around (most of the time, ha!). It sounds like you're burning yourself out too much and need to put yourself first a bit more. Watch TV in the evening, or just watch what you want to watch during the day and they can either stay in same room if they'll be pleasant - or they can go play in another room if they can't handle that.

I think one big difference is that nowadays both parents work which both puts more time pressure on parents and makes playing with one or both parents more desirable to a child (as it’s a scarce resource).

My mum was a SAHM and I never remember being particularly focussed on her playing with me. I’m sure she did - but it wasn’t something I placed a lot of value on. Whereas my children (with 2 x working parents) will always clamour for a whole family game - they’re rarely happy to play just themselves. Not a bad things at all - but a lot more pressure on working parents.

Not suggesting we are all wholesome family board games by any stretch - I also struggle with the demand for elaborate trips, constant snacks and planned activities. I also try to resist some of these demands - as I’m sure I read that being bored is developmentally healthy

I was brought up in the 60's and we were lucky enough to have a big back garden so we rode our bikes round and round, had sleep outs in a tent when it was warm and dry enough, did lots of drawing and colouring and I read like a demon! I do remember being bored but I think that is no bad thing. Chldren's programmes ended in time for the evening news . Brought my child up in the 80's and 90's so no smart phones and screens. did lots of reading, board and card games, going to the park or for a walk along the local canal, craft with scrap stuff, parties were held at home when they were very little, finger food and ice cream and pass the parcel. When they were older I hired a room at the local community centre and they all seemed fine running round to music, having pizza and a little party bag. I do think it is much harder now, everything is so visible in terms of social media and it is all so bloody expensive plus there is pressure for parents to be "on" all the time, always present and involved. I think it is fine for kids to be ignored at times, to be left to their own devices to figure things out. Oh, and I never did lunch boxes, I was a single parent and so was happy for them to have school dinners as it was one less evening task for me.

A lot of it is optional but schools make very hard work for parents these days and there is too much which encroaches on family life.

As for the ‘telling them to go play alone’ - ha! I wish this worked, I really do. Every day, for at least a couple of hours on school nights and full mornings/afternoons at weekends, all forms of entertainment go off and I repeat that phrase over and over like a demented parrot. Some days I get lucky and the kids play either together or alone nicely for 20 minutes but the rest of the time they fight, hurt each other or make a mess. DD tips out entire boxes of craft items, scribbles for a few minutes then wanders off. I just left DS in his room for a few minutes and the entire time he was picking up toys and throwing them over the stairgate and down the stairs, one of them hit my face and the wall now has a nice big scuff mark.

DD’s school report praised her imagination for coming up with games and her ability to play without direction - I wonder what the others are like 😬

I agree! If you want to. I just know people who don't want to and end up doing it anyway.

God, OP. As I said, I have sympathy but do you punish this bad behaviour? That's appalling.

He is 2. DD is older and wouldn’t dare do that.

40 year old here and you are absolutely right. My childhood was similar to how you described as were most in that era. Everything today centres around the kids. I complain but I’ve allowed it to happen too 🙈

Ah yes, I just clocked the stairgate. Well I guess it's his age. He'll grow out of that, at least.

I found that if you pushed through the rowing/mess bit they would eventually find something to do, but it does take a bit of teeth-gritting (and I was not houseproud because my house was a dump at that time).

I actually do think there's more external pressure to conform than there was pre- social media so you do have to work harder at thinking your way is best. But that's what it takes - bloody-minded confidence in your own way.

Yes, of course he was ‘punished’ in that the toys were removed. He then threw a tantrum and is now asleep on his pillow on the floor! Every cloud..!

But if he’s only two, give him a chance.
Mine were absolute angels in my rose tinted mind, but I didn’t have expectations of them playing alone at two Or even playing together at four and two

Mums are too blame, putting too much expectations on themselves. My friends decided christmas presents weren't enough, so decided to introduce christmas eve boxes. Now they complain about the extra expense and time that goes into it. We do it to out selves and need to stop.

YANBU. My kids school are having dress as a movie star day on Thursday, wtf is that? Completely unnecessary!

In terms of sleep, when my DS was 17 months old I did the cry it out thing to most people’s horror. However, it meant crying for half hour a couple of nights and he’s slept through the night in his own bed ever since. My niece on the other hand is 9 and still sleeps in her parent’s bed. Best thing I ever did!

I don’t do parties either, we go to a soft play or something with cousins then a small family thing at school. I just say no. My kids might hate me for it when they are older but I’m a person too, sometimes we can do what I want too.

I doubt I’ll organise any birthday parties for my child. I celebrate his birthday at home with a cake, some decorations, and presents. Will that make my child unhappy?

Yes you’re spot on in that there’s a lot of pressure to ‘play’ with kids now and direct their play. I can’t really remember my mum playing with me, my overriding memories of her when I was 4/5 was her standing at the sink washing up or smoking in a deck chair outside with my dad 🤣

@UggbootsforeverI had my daughter’s 7th birthday at our house, and her friends LOVED it. They spent the whole time playing with toys and running around in the garden! Their food was sandwiches and a bit of caterpillar cake outside. Absolutely nothing fancy at all. Kids may seem like they constantly want high octane, expensive excitement, but they really don’t need it all the time.

Just don't do it! Kids are easily pleased. They will be happy with a lot less than people make out these days - unless of course they get used to being pandered to. I put myself into burnout trying to do all the things and make the kids happy. Now I have changed - I'm a lazy mum now. I take shortcuts. I don't go all out. And guess what? Nothing has happened. Nobody is any less happy or fulfilled. Nobody has noticed I've decided to only spend my energy on things I really value - days out are now national trust so I can enjoy a nice walk and a coffee. I've stopped taking them to play gyms. I've stopped going to the park. I've stopped trying to research every single little problem.
I'm reaping the benefits. I'm saying no to things. I feel great! And I'm a better mum as a result.