It’s all such bloody hard work

[Uggbootsforever]

It’s all just such hard work, the standards are so high. Yes I know you’ll say ‘it’s all optional’ but how optional is it when everyone else around you is doing things and you don’t want your child to be the odd one out?

Lunch boxes. My mum did a sandwich (honey, marmite or jam), an apple, and a penguin bar. Now you have to cut bloody veg sticks, have fresh sandwich fillings ready and available, constant healthy ‘snacks’ (I swear my mum never carried or offered me a snack?!).

Birthday parties. They used to be straightforward and fairly cheap and now they’re all about balloon arches, ‘wonderlands’, themes and elaborate commissioned cakes.

Kids don’t play out now. They hover round you 24/7 demanding things while you try in vain to do the 100 housework tasks that need doing.

I feel like slowly but surely our house has transformed into a place where everything is about the kids 24/7. My parents used to think nothing of sitting and watching a programme they wanted to see, while we played around them. I don’t think I have ever done this, whatever is on is always bloody CBeebies.

Every parent I know is still woken in the night by their 4/5/6 year old children who insist on sleeping in their bed (including me). I just want to sleep in my own bloody bed, to close my eyes at 11pm and open them at 6.30 with nobody crying or shouting me awake in between. Before becoming a parent it didn’t cross my mind I would still be being woken every night 6 years later.

I love my kids but, argh. Why are we doing this to ourselves. Ready to be told how unreasonable I am etc

I’m sorry I really don’t think you would actually do this. It may be the textbook response but very embarrassing IRL

They would be told to leave.
That’s it out done this is the offering of the party. This is what I am putting on for you to do.
If it’s not good enough. Youre welcome to leave

Sorry but that didn't happen in my house, I ran it like a military school.
I was a single mum to DC from when they were very young to 18 when they went off to uni.
I worked full time, they had to be in bed by 8pm and stay there and only had what I could afford or I would have gone stark staring mad with exhaustion.
They also did chores, I'm not a servant, no chores meant no pocket money.
There was no question of me not being able to watch a tv programme with everyone playing quietly.
I put myself first a lot or I simply would not have been able to manage.
You don't have to live like this. .

I’ve never had to because my children’s friends weren’t wet blankets, but if this crap goes on at my grandchildren’s birthday party, absolutely I will
My daughter’s work very hard for their money and they want their children to enjoy their birthdays. Some little twat is not going to ruin it.

Following.

Is this one of those weird, slagging off modern parents, better in the good old days threads?

You don't have to do all that performative for social media stuff. You can just let your kids potter around.

My 4 year definitely sleeps through (does come into my bed but I'm OK with that- we did the same in the 90s all families are different!).

I think the main problem is now both parents have to work to afford a good quality of life and therefore everyone is frazzled. I'm not saying women back in the kitchen but how much better would it be if more Mums and Dads would work part time.

That happens a LOT on here!

Please report back!

It’s embarrassing alright for the wet blanket parents.

Well, they said it does, in the way a lot of posters are also apparently ‘screamed at’ in the school playground by other parents!

Why on earth are you bothering with throwing a Halloween party for 5 year olds?!

No, this is me, exhausted and shouting into the void.

Probably triggered by being told sending my child to school with a peanut butter roll is a criminal offence (or nearly).

YABU about the sleep thing. You need to train that.

but everything else, yes. I can't believe my kids own the front room and tv. I go elsewhere and watch/scroll my phone.

perhaps I would be less generous with the tv if I didn't have a phone.

I think it isn't just a shift in parenting standards, just people's general expectations and standards in life are different from what they used to be. That is a good thing in some ways, but not so good in others. I do think that there needs to be a balance between kids' needs and adults'. Adults' wants should never trump kids' needs. The trick lies in distinguishing between wants and needs, which is far easier said than done.

Week before is her birthday so thought it would double up.

It just wouldn’t be allowed to escalate.
First sign of crying you distract
First sign of fighting you distract, but if it continues you boot them out the door that won’t be tolerated.
Again, if a kid whingeing their bored, where’s mummy? You need to go and sit with mummy now because nobody else is bored. Everybody else is having fun with your board. You are your mother’s problem.
No doubt we’ll get a list of all of the psychological neurological problems that these kids have and again you don’t need to be unkind to themor unaccommodating. But equally it’s a party for the birthday child and everybody else has to circle around them not the other way around
I have of course have the issue with my youngest where it was my birthday child causing murder.
And the party ended very quickly after that.

Maybe. I'm sure our proper memories start around year 3/4

My son is 13 now so I dont know if its changed much in recent years, and I am probably too 'harsh' in certain ways, for example, he's never ever been allowed to sleep in my bed when little. Never asked, never woke me up, used to shout from his bedroom if he could get out of bed in the mornings bless him! He had numerous village hall type parties or parties in the garden at home. Regularly got told to go and entertain himself if im doing housework, or if I was chatting to a friend etc. He had his TV time but then I also had mine. Lunch has always been and still is some sort of sandwich/wrap, fruit and crisps. Always made him go outside to play and make friends.

I suppose the pressure you feel very much differs with your social circle too and what they're doing.

People need to learn to say “no” to their children more.

I feel I must live on another planet to you.

Lunchboxes have and still are sandwiches with ham/jam/marmite/cheese, then a piece of fruit or carrot/cucumber sticks, a packet of crisps and a kitkat or similar. Nothing fancy. Nothing has changed.

Birthday parties are slightly more elaborate, as lots of venues now offer events that didn't exist 30+ years ago. My twins go to lots of parties but not a balloon arch in sight. And parties have often had themes! I remember having a fairies and monsters theme in the 1980s!

Kids do play out. Mine play in the garden, and they play out with their friends, albeit the 9 year olds need a little supervision, then teenager goes out with his mates.

I watched Bake Off on catch up the other day and the kids could either watch it with me or play. No TV on in our house usually, and no devices on either unless they have earned some screen time.

Your family life is how you plan it.

Can't fix the bed time thing. I've always told mine that sleep is important, and if they wake mummy up for something that's not important, then mummy will be SUPER grump tomorrow and they will have a boring day! So generally mine sleep in their own beds. My daughter will sometimes try and sleep in mine, but I will then go sleep in hers.

I would love to sleep 11 til 6am but my brain doesn't do that.

It’s not so much about that it’s more about making myself a pariah among the other mums. If somebody brought your child over and ordered them to sit on your lap for the rest of the party because they said they were bored, you would think it was an overreaction. And saying ‘you are your mother’s problem’ - very Waitrose! I just don’t believe you would actually do that in real life, maybe I’m wrong but.

I completely agree. I definitely think social media has a LOT to answer for, so I would recommend coming off it, if you can. My other recommendation is to surround yourself with like-minded people at the school gate and encourage friendships with those children. There will be so many other people who feel the same. You might find you could share a birthday party with someone else to lighten the load. My other tip is not to listen to your children when they say “Elodie has a pony” or “Zak is allowed to play Fortnite til 10pm”. A simple thats nice darling followed by a stern “different families have different rules “ if needed. If a child says they are bored they get found a job to do.

I have found sometimes though that children sometimes say they are bored when what they mean is, I don’t know what is going to happen next. As every moment of their lives is so structured they really struggle with free play.

I’ve never seen anyone do this IRL. It’s easy to say what should happen isn’t it? My Dad (dead now) used to spin a yarn about how he confronted this person and that person and honestly I don’t get why people pretend to be a certain way. It drove me mad because if it were true there would likely be arguments and possibly fights (especially where I live!) I’m right here in the thick of it with you OP, it is very hard, the kids have expectations based on what their friends parents do etc. I just try my best to find a balance, I try to do healthy meals but I stick an apple in with packed lunches for show (comes back uneaten 😂) I remind my children how lucky they are etc but it is exhausting. One thing I will say about bedtime is that I did put my foot down about 2 years ago - I posted on here as I was laying with my kids until they fell asleep and I was roasted for letting it go on for so long (they were 5) so I started leaving after about 10 mins and returning them to their own beds when they came to ours and they have been better since then so there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel with regards to that. But I’m in complete agreement about the demands put on parents. I often think about those women that go missing and end up in a river and think ‘I bet they chucked themselves in so they didn’t have to think about packed lunches, what’s for dinner, 5 a day, getting their steps in, online school booking systems, after school clubs, sexy time with their partner, practising schoolwork etc etc etc.’

I’m with you, OP. Absolutely.

I had a house party for my daughter last year. One child in particular (7) was an obnoxious little brat who kept moaning about being bored, prizes not up to her standard etc. Her mum takes absolute pride in the fact that she “says exactly what she thinks” so no use reporting her to mummy there!

Yeah. My kids rule this house. My life is a constant battle to limit their screen time and stopping them snacking. They have rooms full of toys that they don’t play with (yet won’t let me clear). We need another living space as they get older.

But do you want to be like these other mothers?
I look on my Facebook page now and I’ve probably got about 10 of them left out of 4 lots of class mums so 128 ish mums who are in my children’s birthday parties photos.

I’m delighted that their kids have done really well at Uni. I’m really happy to see the ones that are succeeding in life. We don’t see photos from the ones that aren’t.
But generally we aren’t in touch and neither of the kids.
These people are passing through your life, but you will be left with the consequences of raising little horrors for the rest of your life.
You don’t need to be rude you don’t need to bark you are your mother’s problem but you can say go and sit with mummy until you see something that you would like to do and join in with
There’s nothing wrong with that and it can be said with a big smile on your face in a sing song voice