It’s all such bloody hard work

[Uggbootsforever]

It’s all just such hard work, the standards are so high. Yes I know you’ll say ‘it’s all optional’ but how optional is it when everyone else around you is doing things and you don’t want your child to be the odd one out?

Lunch boxes. My mum did a sandwich (honey, marmite or jam), an apple, and a penguin bar. Now you have to cut bloody veg sticks, have fresh sandwich fillings ready and available, constant healthy ‘snacks’ (I swear my mum never carried or offered me a snack?!).

Birthday parties. They used to be straightforward and fairly cheap and now they’re all about balloon arches, ‘wonderlands’, themes and elaborate commissioned cakes.

Kids don’t play out now. They hover round you 24/7 demanding things while you try in vain to do the 100 housework tasks that need doing.

I feel like slowly but surely our house has transformed into a place where everything is about the kids 24/7. My parents used to think nothing of sitting and watching a programme they wanted to see, while we played around them. I don’t think I have ever done this, whatever is on is always bloody CBeebies.

Every parent I know is still woken in the night by their 4/5/6 year old children who insist on sleeping in their bed (including me). I just want to sleep in my own bloody bed, to close my eyes at 11pm and open them at 6.30 with nobody crying or shouting me awake in between. Before becoming a parent it didn’t cross my mind I would still be being woken every night 6 years later.

I love my kids but, argh. Why are we doing this to ourselves. Ready to be told how unreasonable I am etc

I honestly think if you want to cosleep its completely fine and normal. People presumably co slept for thousands and thousands of years and still do all around the world. It's not some weird modern fad. If you don't then don't. I don't think it really has anything to do with other parts of parenting.

My day wasn't made harder i don't tolerate it , they were told to stop or i go home. And i have done it before so they know i follow through.

Hahaha it’s ludicrous! I don’t remember hearing a nursery rhyme outside of school when I was younger.

I hate to do this but honestly I wasn’t really posting because I find saying no to my kids hard - I don’t. Bar the sleep issue it’s more the external pressures as all their friends are being brought up in a certain way - screens, constant entertainment, always being bought the latest items, everything to a high standard etc - and the way this now makes it difficult to have play dates, parties and so on without pushing the boat out yourself.

DD has a friend who is gentle patented and the sole focus of her mum’s world, her mum goes the extra mile to make sure she gets exactly what she wants. But frankly she’s a nightmare, the last play date she ruined by upending a table when something didn’t go her way and breaking my child’s sports trophy because she didn’t get one herself (‘it isn’t fair’). Needless to say there won’t be future play dates but I’m just having a vent really.

I will be working on the sleep and have taken the comments onboard

Instagram has a lot to answer for. No one can be seen to be shitting out. Kids need to be told no. I wouldn’t entertain a 7 year old waking up in the night and me rushing in. Bloody ridiculous.

I find the day to day a bit relentless, the constant stream of requests from school, the ceebeebies etc but I have a 5 year old, 2 year old and 5 month old and all three sleep through the night in their own beds. A nights sleep makes the rest of it more manageable- maybe if you can crack them staying in their own beds it might help.

I agree the whole balloon arch, parties, activities can get a bit much but with three I don’t have the time or money to be too extravagant so just pick and choose the things I want. Don’t feel too much pressure to keep up with everyone else, keep things as simple as possible - I’ve mostly stopped doing my 5 year olds homework as it’s just making crafts which neither of us enjoy and we focus on his reading instead. I’ve learnt after my third to stop heaping the pressure on myself - even if you do the bare minimum as long as your kids are having fun they really won’t notice if you’ve spent a fortune on custom cake or bought a £10 Spider-Man one from Tesco!

I remember a lady tutting at my child (who was becoming whingy in a shop), saying “oh, we only had gifts on birthdays and Christmas in my days”. I wanted to explode. Every shop we enter is filled to the brim of things that look amazing to a young child. There is waaaaaay too much choice and even a quick dash into a supermarket presents them with a sensory overload of novelties. I wasn’t even buying him anything, he was told ‘no’ but it’s not a level playing field- children weren’t surrounded by consumerist tat in the same way previously. It makes me so sad.

Kids these days have no resilience or independence at all. Too much gentle/permissive parenting imo. Sympathy OP. My little one didn't start sleeping through until 15 months and I was getting completely stressed about it at that point. So I can't imagine how awful doing it for 6 years

Why is everything so bloody child focussed? I spent most of my childhood kicking round the garden or in gardener Haskins while my parents bought bathroom fittings. Now younger kids are supposed to have child centred activities all the time.

I wouldn’t have been able to sit down for a week if I’d upended a table.
I’m not advocating that but Jesus My kids feet would not have touched the floors. They would’ve been out the door so fast for embarrassing me like that.
The fact that the mother isn’t mortified just tells you they’re not people that you want in your lives.

Yes!!!! Even a well behaved 3 year old is going to have eyes on stalks if they’re pushed down an aisle of exciting glittering toys just to reach the bread and milk.

I used to have great Halloween parties for my kids. I’d put sweets all over the garden and send them out to search for them with torches. We would bob for apples then play the mummy game where you wrap an adult in toilet paper. We would then use that paper for months after! They would do the putting clothes on and eating chocolate with a knife and fork game. They all loved it.
The last one I had was two years ago and they all still ask me when I’m having another one.
I was careful about who I asked. Fairly early on I would tell my kids that some of their more obnoxious friends weren’t coming. Other people’s kids are pretty grim but just focus on the lovely ones.
I know chopping carrots and all that stuff is a pain but I’m a child of the 80’s and my teeth are APPALLING. My mum put sugar on everything and by the time I was 15 I already had fillings.
All this stuff is hard work but it ends fairly quickly - believe it or not - and your kids go out with your friends and are gone to uni.
One day you’ll never have to go to a swing park ever again! It’s great.

Exactly. The parents were the grown ups. They were in charge. Kids did as they were told and didn’t know any different.

Why are we doing this to ourselves. Ready to be told how unreasonable I am etc
'We are not doing it' you are doing it!
Parent getting way you want but stop being so bloody wet!

Kids don’t play out now. They hover round you 24/7 demanding things while you try in vain to do the 100 housework tasks that need doing.
'Kids either help tidy up or go and play in the garden ......NOW' That always works well. You are not an on call children's entertainer when you have other tasks to do.

Lunch boxes. My mum did a sandwich (honey, marmite or jam), an apple, and a penguin bar. Now you have to cut bloody veg sticks, have fresh sandwich fillings ready and available, constant healthy ‘snacks’ (I swear my mum never carried or offered me a snack?!),
You don't have to do all that bollocks!
Sure have healthy stuff instead of junk but keep it simple. If you don't want to cut veg sticks don't. For quick simple snack ideas get a few ideas of tik tok, insta, Pinterest or wherever and repeat. Simple.

Every parent I know is still woken in the night by their 4/5/6 year old children who insist on sleeping in their bed (including me). I just want to sleep in my own bloody bed, to close my eyes at 11pm and open them at 6.30 with nobody crying or shouting me awake in between. Before becoming a parent it didn’t cross my mind I would still be being woken every night 6 years later.

This is ridiculous. I had a colleague who had a baby with in two weeks of me. When the child was around 3 she would come to work knackered because the kid was up atb3.3p in the morning wanting to watch telly and play games. My colleague tolerated it!
If mine got up up and once I knew they weren't having nightmares, wet the bed or anything bad I put a straight face on, didn't engage except to say, its sleep time and led them back to their own bed . Did that for a few nights and they didn't do it again. They learned it wasnt fun time and they had their own place to sleep.
Im no good to them if im tired and crabby.

Birthday parties. They used to be straightforward and fairly cheap and now they’re all about balloon arches, ‘wonderlands’, themes and elaborate commissioned cakes.

Parties can be what ever you want them to be. Personally I liked a good party I didnt commission cakes but made it about the games, silly prizes and fun. Thats what kids want. Balloon arches and shit is about you.

I feel like slowly but surely our house has transformed into a place where everything is about the kids 24/7.
Again, thats on you. I believe that children are important and they know mum and dad have theory back and they are loved but not everything revolves around them. There are other people in the family that have needs and wants besides them.

I think if you are genuinely worried about things you need to take some control back. Personally I'd start with the sleep and them getting into your bed and also them mithering you when you are doing housework or whatever. Get into a good routine with that then carve time out gir yourself in the evenings. If you want to watch something fine its your tv!!

School, nursery and toddler groups encourage children to ‘snack’ and have lots of snack times so they expect it when they’re at home. There’s nothing you can do to stop them.

Just because they expect it doesn't mean they get it. What kind of snacks are you talking about. I never bought in crisps, chocolate sweetened yogurt aimed at kids etc. Of course they had crisps and sweets but if they weren't in the house routinely, they cant have them. They were offered toast or an apple.

You'll probably get a bit of kick back and whinging but you are the parent here. Don't let them rule you now or you will have bigger problems in a few years!

For example the school doing bloody dress up days - this term’s theme is Edwardian. We are expected to make bloody Edwardian costumes for our kids. The cheapest outfit I’ve come up with which meant ordering a load of shit off Vinted is £20 and will need sewing.
Ill let you have that one. I hate World
book day!! I think mine wore striped pjs to everyone!!!

Honestly don't give in to peer pressure, both from children and other adults. Splash out on things sometimes if you want but march to the beat of your own drum no one else's.

Learning to tolerate boredom and not having what some other people have is a solid part of life. I really think kids need to be exposed to both of these aspects of life.
Boredom is fine in childhood. It encourages children to play and use their imaginations. I think the tendency towards constant stimulation for children is a bad idea and is basically just being pushed by a culture and economy that encourages all to buy and consume constantly. What happened to kids just playing in the garden or making something out of a cardboard box etc 🤔
I work in a job where I meet many adolescents and young adults with significant mental health problems. Having more things does not appear to offer any protective properties against these difficulties.
I know 80s and 90s parenting had its own deficits but I think it had some definite advantages to modern ideas and pressures on both parents and children.🌻

Yes playing out!! I have the fondest 90s childhood memories just playing out with all the neighbourhood children. Just better than some structured and scheduled timetable of ‘play dates’ and ‘activities’ that you’re chauffeured to and from in your mum ‘s SUV.

My parents rarely played with me, especially once I’d reached school age. And kids TV was only on for the hours kids TV was on, so I’m not saying we played quietly or didn’t mither, but day to day life wasn’t child oriented.

It sounds like it's getting worse and it's gone deaf to expect families to afford dress up days when so many are struggling to eat.

My DC didn't have it but surely world book day should be about bringing a book not dressing up?

For parties I tried to encourage my DSs friends to not bring a present. Maybe give a pound but what he wanted was them there not a gift. Could you suggest that to others?

Never understand the cosleepers. Ds was in a moses, transferred to his own room and cot and a toddler bed at 3ish . He's always been a brilliant sleeper and at self settling. Used to be come in our bed for a cuddle or to watch TV occasionally. Op, you're the one allowing thusy. Lunchboxes can be quick and still healthy. Snacks up to you. Try having TV off with set times for cbeebies. With young kids you just watch TV in the evening. Everything is only as difficult as you make it.

We’ve never coslept. I don’t want to cosleep. She goes to sleep in her own bed but wakes up every night at around 3am and comes through. If I take her back she cries and her toddler brother wakes up, then pandemonium for an hour getting them back to sleep.

Completely agree! Things are so OTT now. Nursery graduations (!) gender reveals, kids birthday parties that are so obviously more about the parents showing off on social media, ott lunch boxes (what was wrong with a paste sandwich and a packet of monster munch?!) Christmas is the same, it’s all too much! Bring back basic birthday parties with soggy sandwiches, party rings and cheese and pineapple 🤣

This EXTRA society is not doing our children any good.

You are the parent and you decide what is worth your time, money and effort. In my humble opinion, anything that directly impacts on my child's emotional wellbeing is always going to be worth it, no matter how challenging it may be at the time. Whether that be dealing with sleepless nights, anxiety, tiks, bed wetting etc, the time spent working through these issues is investment in them. Things like balloon arches, fancy parties, hand crafted lunchbox items, they won't remember these things so don't bother. Kids always have been and always will be, simple. They need love, time, emotional connection and anything else is just fluff.

One of the best birthday parties was during a covid lock down break (sorry can't think what the word would be).
Cake, crisps, blanket, cheap prosecco, plastic cups and someone's phone playing shite music. Best kids party ever...

With regards to watching a show when your kids are around - just do it! This is Mammys time now, Mammy is going to have a cup of tea and watch (Strictly/Downtown/Wednesday) Do it!

I don’t think sites like mumsnet help this phenomenon tbh - as if you suggest you aren’t doing everything 100% child centred and making them try 100 vegetables before they’re a year old it’s presented as a form of child abuse.