It’s all such bloody hard work

[Uggbootsforever]

It’s all just such hard work, the standards are so high. Yes I know you’ll say ‘it’s all optional’ but how optional is it when everyone else around you is doing things and you don’t want your child to be the odd one out?

Lunch boxes. My mum did a sandwich (honey, marmite or jam), an apple, and a penguin bar. Now you have to cut bloody veg sticks, have fresh sandwich fillings ready and available, constant healthy ‘snacks’ (I swear my mum never carried or offered me a snack?!).

Birthday parties. They used to be straightforward and fairly cheap and now they’re all about balloon arches, ‘wonderlands’, themes and elaborate commissioned cakes.

Kids don’t play out now. They hover round you 24/7 demanding things while you try in vain to do the 100 housework tasks that need doing.

I feel like slowly but surely our house has transformed into a place where everything is about the kids 24/7. My parents used to think nothing of sitting and watching a programme they wanted to see, while we played around them. I don’t think I have ever done this, whatever is on is always bloody CBeebies.

Every parent I know is still woken in the night by their 4/5/6 year old children who insist on sleeping in their bed (including me). I just want to sleep in my own bloody bed, to close my eyes at 11pm and open them at 6.30 with nobody crying or shouting me awake in between. Before becoming a parent it didn’t cross my mind I would still be being woken every night 6 years later.

I love my kids but, argh. Why are we doing this to ourselves. Ready to be told how unreasonable I am etc

Edwardian clothing is long skirt of any colour, white blouse and shawl.

shouldn’t cost too much to put together.

traditional cheap parties take a massive amount of effort, I did them but I’m a teacher and I needed my teacher skills and a lot of games planned.
The reason people pay is so they don’t have to run them themselves.

re the expensive items - give her pocket money then she chooses what she wants to buy and you just say on repeat “put it on the Christmas list/buy it with your own money”.

Don’t get me started on those bloody boxes! And elf on the fucking shelf! No, we don’t do either! Easter boxes, Halloween boxes… if hell exists, it’s browsing B&M tat for such boxes!

What you are craving is the ease of being a crap parent. I bet if your children thought they’d be punished for not leaving you alone when they want to play with you, they’d stop asking you. I bet if they thought you’d shout at them if they woke you up when they had a bad dream, they wouldn’t. I bet they’d eat crap food if you put it in their lunch box. I bet you could be a mean and nasty parent and it would be easier for you than being a kind involved mum.

Lots of parents still make the choice to refuse to play with their kids, to not comfort them when they are upset, to not feed them a healthy balanced diet. It’s probably a lot easier.

bur park the birthday party bullshit, kids don’t care about balloon arches. If you are choosing to compete with the other mums, remember you are doing that for your own benefit not your kids.

Honestly? I think you've got a bit of a shit community 😬. The world you describe, of nursey/pre-school/primary school aged children whining for things and attention is so foreign to me. Our DC do play outside, there are no screens allowed by anyone on playdates (!! - they're there to play with each other, not side by side on separate screens!), and actually they're mostly just really busy with their own sports/after school activities to get too involved with anyone else's drama this much.

My Mum used to complain every week about sweets etc being kept at eye level at the Sainsbury checkout, used to moan at the cashiers every time about how they clearly WANT to make her life difficult because we'd always ask and she'd always have to say no, right at the end of the long weekly shop trawling around the massive store with bickering children. We don't have to deal with that now, with online shopping. I just don't go shopping with the DC - I couldn't think of anything worse!

Lunchboxes: I gave them whatever I thought best at the time. It would be a sandwich, two types of fruit, two types of vegetables and some rubbish like crisps or chocolate bar. I don't really know or care what they thought about it - why would I? They're children, they were lucky to be fed a healthy and substantial lunch. That's about the limit of my attention to such things!

I'm not saying I'm a perfect mother but when my DC ask for stuff I don't want them to have I say "no" and that's the end of it. I don't think I've ever had a "but such-and-such has it" has it in reply. If one of mine did say that I'd probably reply with my usual refrain of "everybody does what they think is best for their children, unfortunately for you I'm your mother and I decide for you". Any child who comes to my house and moans is my child's responsibility: they're not my friend! But it doesn't happen. I'm finding this all very weird.

Maybe you should look for a new, more like-minded community for your DC?

It's not though. I don't share anything on social media and I still see it and feel the pressure.

Not RTFT but in case no-one else has suggested this book, it’s worth getting for your kids:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Boring-Book-Shinsuke-Yoshitake/dp/1452174563

When we get an ‘I’m bored’, one of the standard options is ‘well, go and read the Boring Book’

How many floor length fabric skirts does your child own? I’m not sure they even exist, Vinted didn’t turn anything up - ditto ‘shawls’ - hardly an everyday wardrobe item for a year 3 child??

No seller on Vinted will do these items as a bundle so let’s say that’s £3 each plus postage - that’s already £15, minimum. It’s just so expensive and I won’t even reuse the clothes. Why do we have to have bloody themed days?

I was literally thinking the other day:

1. I don’t remember my parents playing with me even once. I feel constant pressure to play with my kids. I don’t feel like kid me missed out either, it was never really an option so I played by myself or with my brother! I constantly feel guilty for having to do the laundry while a kid screams at me to play with them.
2. bloody water bottles. I was never sent to school with a water bottle. Now it has to be found, labelled, cleaned every day and filled with fresh water. What happened to water fountains?!

There’s a huge mental load that comes with being a mother, and I don’t think we’ve arrived at a good balance between the sexes in society yet. We are the first generation that needed both parents put at work, men aren’t yet well educated to take on house/kids/arrangements etc and tend to think that going to work is enough, when the woman works and then has to take on being a full time parent too. I hope that future generations work out how to accommodate this fairly so that less marriages fall apart and men understand that they have an important role to play in the household beyond working.

I do disagree on the food thing though. My mum was a nurse and I have lots of memories of her cutting up carrots and radishes and tomatoes for our lunch boxes. We never had crisps and chocolate, we just had sandwich and various chopped up fruits and vegetables. We often helped with the chopping too, as every meal had lots of fresh fruit and vegetables. Mum wasn’t from the UK though, so maybe it’s a cultural thing.

This thread has helped relive the guilt I feel in the evenings.
We get in from school, I make dinner. They play together. I'll be in the next room doing chores or scrolling on my phone. I've always felt bad that I'm not in the same room as them at all times. But that's a mental way to feel, isn't it?!

But if you don't enjoy it don't do it.

I love doing the Christmas Eve box, it's not stressful for me at all.

I didn't like the idea of Elf on the Shelf so we don't have one.

DD asked once why we didn't have an Elf and I said that different families have different Christmases and that was that. I don't feel any guilt or pressure about that.

I hate the water bottle thing.

i used to love the water fountain, especially when winter and freezing cold.

i feel guilty about the playing thing too, but i hate it and they can play with each other!

we all need to let go of the guilt

There is a lot of social pressure now. But I think there always has been, particularly on women. The pressure to be clean and tidy, for the kids to be presentable, for the housework to be up to a standard, the front doorstep polished, to attend church, to look after elderly relatives. But social media is a curse, we measure ourselves again non-existant people with heavily cropped and edited photos.

And, perhaps you are part of the problem too. Sounds very performative to have a birthday/halloween party with crafts at 5 years old. Just have a few friends over to play, have some food, sing around a cake and maybe a party bag. You are inflicting what you think is worthy/enjoyable on a pile of 5 year olds, probably with other parents/social media pics in mind rather than the enjoyment of some small children. If the other parents are loudly judging you, then your social circle becomes self-cleansing - find your real tribe.

And if you don't want kids in your bed at night, make your expectations clear, draw your line in the sand and stick to your guns. Short term pain for long term gain. Sleep was absolutely my non-negotiable - I probably let other things slide instead.

If you are lucky enough to have invested grandparents or childless aunts/uncles/family friends, these can be a good avenue to out-source the Halloween/Easter parcels. I know not everyone has this luxury - we are lucky enough to have a Granny who’s got the time (and resources) to love a B&M seasonal trawl. There’s no way I would!

If not, these are NOT compulsory. And do not get me started on Elf-on-the-Shelf! Who thought parents needed another daily task (requiring significant creative input) in December?

Use one of your skirts and pin it at the back? That’s bound to be long enough! Maybe layer another underneath. I never bought costumes. Edwardian could also be dirty little chimney sweep or street urchin with muck on their faces surely?
I do think comparison is the thief if joy. I understand you see all these kids with other expensive gifts, belongings and parties but that’s not how you do things so stick to it. I just keep telling my kids that we do things differently and other people choose to do things in their own way but that’s not us and we spend money on important stuff like adventures and memories. Parties were all at home and often we did something just the four of us. My son’s best friend never has parties, his mum can’t be arsed! The bed sharing, that’s on you I’m afraid. The problem is that it takes willpower and I find most parents can’t be arsed to put in rules that they stick to, easier to hand child a tablet and/or give in.

So have your shopping delivered

You shouldn't feel guilty! 1) Chores need doing, and 2) you are a human who's allowed some 'me' time. I grew up with a mum who worked, but who also did a shit load of chores, and went out on her own (to exercise, see friends etc) and so I grew up with a mum role model who showed me it was ok to put herself first at times. We're so close now and she's in such good health and has so many hobbies. My MIL sacrificed every moment for her children and she's in such poor health now and has so few interests. It's so sad and I know my husband finds it so upsetting. I know which one I'm aspiring to be like when I'm in my seventies...

I usually do, but every couple of weeks I like to put them in a trolley and have them ‘help’ with the food shop.

Which is very much in keeping with the ‘stop spending money, they don’t need excitement, let them accompany you with chores’ type advice being given here.

Buy something at a charity shop

I had a look in our (one) local charity shop, zilch!

It struck me the other day that I never see kids out playing in the fields behind where I live.

When I first moved here, 30 years ago, I'd see loads of kids there when I walked the dogs after work (the two fields were bought "for the beneficial enjoyment" of the people who live here when the owner couldn't get PP to build houses on them).

They'd be playing football and riding bikes and generally just hanging out. It's safe, only one very quiet road to cross, loads of people out walking, with or without dogs, and they seemed to have a great time. There are still plenty of families with kids around here, but they just don't seem to "play out". They must all be indoors glued to screens or something.

It's bloody sad to think that they live right on the edge of the countryside and never go up there.

Cant they eat school meals

Not even a flat cap

I just say to mine "that's nice, isn't it? Would you like to put it on Xmas / birthday list?" if they pick it up, I admire it and then ask them where it goes. It is all really hard in this mad modern world though xx