It’s all such bloody hard work

[Uggbootsforever]

It’s all just such hard work, the standards are so high. Yes I know you’ll say ‘it’s all optional’ but how optional is it when everyone else around you is doing things and you don’t want your child to be the odd one out?

Lunch boxes. My mum did a sandwich (honey, marmite or jam), an apple, and a penguin bar. Now you have to cut bloody veg sticks, have fresh sandwich fillings ready and available, constant healthy ‘snacks’ (I swear my mum never carried or offered me a snack?!).

Birthday parties. They used to be straightforward and fairly cheap and now they’re all about balloon arches, ‘wonderlands’, themes and elaborate commissioned cakes.

Kids don’t play out now. They hover round you 24/7 demanding things while you try in vain to do the 100 housework tasks that need doing.

I feel like slowly but surely our house has transformed into a place where everything is about the kids 24/7. My parents used to think nothing of sitting and watching a programme they wanted to see, while we played around them. I don’t think I have ever done this, whatever is on is always bloody CBeebies.

Every parent I know is still woken in the night by their 4/5/6 year old children who insist on sleeping in their bed (including me). I just want to sleep in my own bloody bed, to close my eyes at 11pm and open them at 6.30 with nobody crying or shouting me awake in between. Before becoming a parent it didn’t cross my mind I would still be being woken every night 6 years later.

I love my kids but, argh. Why are we doing this to ourselves. Ready to be told how unreasonable I am etc

I agree completely and I’ve been lucky enough to find a like minded mum friend I spend a lot of time with.

I say no to my kids all the time, we don’t have a tablet, they’re not allowed to play on my phone, they have lots of free play time in the house. But it’s the influence of nursery/school which is very hard to escape from - the constant snacking, the nagging for expensive things the other children have, the constant rules and themed days etc set by the school.

I’m just moaning really.

Just tell mummy to fuck off.
Speaking her mind equals having no social skills as far as I’m concerned you don’t want these people in your house around your children
So if they don’t like you good you’re doing something right

You cannot control other children but you can control your own. My kids are 9 and 14. I am not there to entertain them. Screen time is minimal and I'm happy for them to be bored. And we don't do elaborate stuff for ourselves. We are quite low key. And my kids are fine and well adjusted and relatively popular. They know other people live differently and we do different things (hiking, travelling, board games). It is what it is.

Oh gosh that last line is so dark but I understood it. And I agree with everything else you’ve written. We aren’t in the 90s sadly, and we have to raise our kids in the era they live in.

Right I totally hear you but...

1. Two hour party for a 5 year old is too long. Crafts are a waste of time and effort. Old fashioned party games require them to concentrate much more. Pass the parcel, musical statues, Simon says, what's the time Mr Wolf etc.. Only invite 7 or 8 kids max!
2. Sleeping arrangements. Everyone in their own bed if thats what you prefer, super nanny back to bed routine if needed. Its perfectly achievable.
3. TV, limit it. Teach your kids how to play without adult supervision - this one is really important!!
4. Ignore what other parents do and what their kids have. I explained to my kids very early on that I knew what was best for them and I would be parenting my way.

You will enjoy your kids more if you stop letting them and their peers dictate everything in your life. Make your rules and stick to them, your kids will be better off in the long run.

I have a very dark sense of humour, probably from parenting 4 children. We’ll get there in the end lass.

Re: birthday parties, I really think the big expensive venue parties are more for the adults because all the work is outsourced. We usually have it at our house because we don’t particularly want to spend £500 on a soft play party. Costco pizza/cake, tons of balloons, cheap disco lights (for the first one we planned party games but didn’t end up playing them because the kids were having so much fun chasing each other and throwing balloons). DS has been told by classmates that his parties are the best. I end the day with a headache but happy kids.

Do they not fight when they’re bored? I remove tablets and send them upstairs to “find something to do” and within 30 seconds they are screaming at each other 😑

The biggest issue is the pressure on parents though. Work full time. Engage with the school. Maintain the house. Cook proper food. Monitor the screen time. Make sure they get fresh air and good experiences. See family. See friends. Make memories.

thank you for posting this. I needed to hear it. You perfectly described the TWICE daily sleep routine (nap and bedtime, then again bedtime for the older one) and I’m sitting there thinking how many fucking times have a sung twinkle twinkle and will they ever bloody remember it anyway, they will probably just find some5ing else to hate me about.

Re the school dress up days, I would (and genuinely have) fed this back to school re time and cost required from parents. As I work for a council I was aware that we were piloting a scheme where officers go into schools and talk to them about ensuring dress up days/activities are low cost to parents so I pointed our school in the direction of this. Might be worth looking at doing something similar? Having to spend £20 to dress up as an Edwardian for some random day is outrageous- for families with 2 kids £40 could be a chunk of the weekly budget.

I had this last when minding my nieces who are 5 complaining when they were board as i had a list of things to do, They were told that i cant do anything about it as i had things to do and if they didnt stop i would be turning around in the car and they can stay at home with my husband and help out with the farm animals. It was the same when walking dogs later on- they were explained that dogs needed to be walked regardless of how we felt every single day. The have to understand that life goes on and we cant entertain them every minute. Similar at bed time go to bed read story etc. get up every 10 mins not tired etc, politely told to go back to bed. after half an hour no engagement the were picked up cuddled kiss good night and back to bed, 3/4 hour later fast asleep. These were the instructions their mither told me to use. Yes they were treated well, we got hot chocolate and a toy when out, watch a movie when home. Have them for mid term and i will bring them off for a day as a treat, but they know that doesnt happen every day. Their birthday parties consisted of parties at home with pizzas and a bouncy castle

This is about you and your inner certainty that what you're doing is right. Basically self esteem. Also mixing up childhood memories and current fashions

For example on certainty: with the sleep thing, I was never going to have kids in my bed aged above about 3 because I don't sleep with them in there and I don't function without sleep. So for me that was an absolute red line and because I knew it I was able to communicate that to the kids in a perfectly nice way. It just wasn't happening. Lots of people secretly love having their kids sleep in with them and I think that's fine and they should just like it not secretly!

For example on childhood memories: Think back to your childhood parties. There were loads of kids playing pass the parcel and musical statues and loving it, right? Now look at the photos. I bet there are about 6-7 kids at your party. Totally different scenario. I know kids really do all clamour for party bags etc but the little shits need to know they're having what they're given, and by being certain about that you're doing them a favour in the long run even if they're annoying about it in the short term. Putting up with kids' displeasure is a huge part of parenthood imo and you seem to think you're in the wrong if you;'re doing other than what they expect. But you're not!

They were told that i cant do anything about it as i had things to do and if they didnt stop i would be turning around in the car and they can stay at home with my husband and help out with the farm animals

I mean to be fair helping out with farm animals sounds much more fun than running errands.

I’ve thrown old fashioned parties that have gone down a treat! Kids just love being together and being silly. And I’ve never felt pressured to do a balloon arch despite others doing them. I do buy some fun tat of temu though that gets them excited.

I do agree with you about the TV thing tho! The house was very definitely our parents. They watched what they wanted within reason with us around doing our own thing and we might have half hour of kids tv in the evening before bed but that was before the nature of children’s media made it readily available 24/7.

lunch box wise, ours are very 90s and standard. I’ve got no idea what’s in others peoples as I don’t ask or check haha.

literally just do what you want and don’t worry about what others are doing. People might actually find it refreshing and follow suit!

My kids would act up just to see the farm animals. My 2 year old in particular would probably crawl over broken glass to see a tractor up close and stroke a pig.

You are completely right OP.

Kids are hopeless at entertaining themselves and totally self-centred nowadays by and large.

Looking back this is a big shift: when I was bored in the 80s my mum would say “read a book” or “do some colouring” and then she’d go back to whatever she was doing. She didn’t solve it for me.

When I went to a birthday party, I was polite and obedient - we played games and ate marmite or cheese sandwiches which I disliked but I did not complain. At the end I said thank you and left calmly, if I was lucky I got a piece of home made sponge cake.

And when I went to my gran’s house I was expected to be quiet and well behaved - I took a small bag of toys and books and I played quietly by myself.

If I misbehaved I would be absolutely made to know it by my mum - she would shout or smack me. She had this “wait til I get you home” look that kept me in line. By the way as an adult I don’t resent this in any way, and I’m perfectly well adjusted (I think).

Kids parties now are exhausting. I have seen kids turning up in ear defenders because the noise of 20 shrieking children is too much for them.

I wouldn’t dare having 8 kids over to my house to play blind man’s buff and musical chairs - the kids simply don’t have a clue how to behave.

I’m fact I saw dani dyer talking about it earlier and saying how much of a pressure it is to fill our kids days with experiences and what happened to just taking them round Tesco like we used to! I strongly agree haha

The way so many of us parent is tough, and harmful to kids and parents!

I think I parent differently. My 9 year old walks himself to and from school and entertains himself for 90 minutes after while I finish working (from home). All primary kids get free school dinner here, but if he does have a packed lunch it's peanut butter sandwich, a tangerine, a packet of crisps or something and some cucumber. I find that easy enough tbh.

The main thing is he plays out. A lot. He has hours of time where he occupies himself, outdoors, with friends. I think this is healthier for everyone than the alternative of constant parental engagement and screens, but I know I'm in a minority.

I think it has to be one or the other though - let them 'out' more and accept that there may be a level of risk involved, or do the intensive parenting thing, which to my mind also carries risk

YANBU

But let's face it, it's you that decide. You decide how you parent, and how you run the house.

All this perfection is a myth, it's all SM bullshit

No-one has a perfect house anyways!!

YABVU when children can have very serious nut allergies. Surely that has been the case in schools for the last 20 years or so? It's not exactly a huge ask..

everybody, I know who has children would’ve left them behind to help the husband with the farm animals.

If it was just feeding them however i also said he was cleaning out the horses stables after them being in there overnight to which the wrinkled their noses up at. Just to note before we left home i told what i had to do and how long it would take and they had a choice to come with me or stay with my husband at home, they wanted to come with me

Exactly.

But where you went wrong was offering them a choice.
Which of those two options worked out better for you leaving them with their wrinkled noses to muck out shit? Or for them to make your day harder by whining in your car ?

They were my nieces - who i often mind for my sister and they were given the option to stay but chose not too then started complaining they were board when with me. They had their choice